May 30, 2010

Sex and the City Boo

The reviews are in, and Sex and the City 2 gets a big fat....FFFFF

Not for Fabulous, not for Fashion, and not for Fairly bearable.

Because it wasn't any of those things....

I thought this movie was bad. And not just compared to my colossal expectations. It was bad, bad.

The plot was pointless, the fasion was not even enviable, the passion was non existent, and the worst part...THE ACTING WAS TERRIBLE!

I didn't think you could get that many veteran thespians to overact for more than 2 hours, but kudos SATC 2, you have achieved the impossible.

Furthermore, Carrie was an insufferable bia for the entire 2+ hours, only talking about herself and being the quintessential naggy wife to Big. And Carrie, just because you are thin at your age doesn't mean you have to wear strapless everything with your boobs popping out.

I want to warn you not to see this movie, but if you're anything like me, nothing could stop you.

However, if you're on the fence about seeing it, DON'T GO!

I decided the only way to recover from this was to go home, watch the first movie again, and pretend that that was the end. Nothing ever happened after that. Everyone just dies and goes to marital bliss and fashion heaven.

After the first movie, I actually joined a waiting list to purchase the DVD. After the second movie, I joined a waiting list to erase part of my memory and get 2 hours of my life back.

All in all, two very disappointed thumbs down.

May 28, 2010



I love that since the moment she was slapped with her SCRAM bracelet, Lindsay Lohan went from 60 to zero on the slut scale in terms of how she dresses. Presumably, she is trying to cover up the less than flattering ankle accessorie.

See the above pictures.

First, Lindsay in Cannes last week showing her underwear in a short dress with a lace up back.

Second, yesterday in LA dressed like a homeless man in winter.

It's going to be a hot summer for Lindsay!!

Quote of the Day

"Hello! Reason we're friends!"

May 26, 2010

Man loses license for drunk driving in a Barbie car

This just proves the age old adage: Just because you drive a diva-mobile, doesn't mean you're not a complete idiot.

Got a light?

Not only can I not believe this is real, I really don't even want to.

How lil' Ardi started smoking in the first place is a mystery to me, but I'm sure it was just hilarious for all witnesses involved.

And, apparently they can't get him to quit!? Here's an idea. Don't buy cigarettes for him!!!


Since 2-year olds can't have jobs because, well, THEY ARE 2, they don't have any money. Take away the source, solve the problem.

This is so sad and stupid. I don't think I'll be honoring his mom and dad with any parents of the year awards, because even if the smoking doesn't kill him, the childhood obesity sure will.
Also, I would love to see how this plays out when the kid hits pre-school. I don't remember there being a Smoking section at my elementary school.

Thank mom and dad! This smoke ring is for you!

You're not worthy!

Did any of you watch the Nightline special last night with Jesse James.

Anyone notice that he sounds exactly like Garth Algar from Wayne's World??!!

Check out the 3 parter above! See if it reminds you of this.

Quote of the Day

"Martini, honey, and don't waste any space with those olives!"

May 25, 2010

Single and ready to mingle

My favorite part of The Bachelorette is the creative ways that all of the guys get around admitting that they don't have real jobs.

"You know, I was a consultant in Mergers and Acquisitions, but that wasn't fulfilling so I became an aspiring Screenwriter." - UNEMPLOYED

"I was a teacher but I spent the last 2 years taking care of my mother and had to quit my job." - UNEMPLOYED

"I'm an outdoorsman, through and through." - UNEMPLOYED (and not very good at making up excuses apparently)

There were some moments in last night's season premiere that were so awkward and uncomfortable I seriously had trouble falling asleep.

In other news, if Aly's career as a chronic reality TV contestant doesn't pan out, she should definitely pursue a job in politics, because I have never seen someone so good at responding to awkward, scary strangers.

Editor's note: I am pretty sure those are denim Chuck Taylor's pictured above. Uh oh.

TMI, Self

Let me preface this by saying that I have been spending A LOT of time by myself in the past few weeks.

This past Saturday I went to the mall and was checking out at a store counter.

Not only did I have NO idea what day of the month it was, I also hadn't spoken to anyone in person in over 30 hours.

When signing and dating my receipt, I asked what day it was (thinking that maybe it was May 18th or thereabouts).

When the cashier told me that it was May 22nd, I proclaimed, "Oh my gosh, my carrots expire tomorrow!"

Apparently I was desperate to talk to someone and I didn't even know it! Not a safe practice!

After realizing what I'd just said, we both rapidly hurried the checkout process along. Clearly this is not typical information that is shared when buying a sweater set at the Ann Taylor Loft 30% off sale.

Not to future self, seek out human contact at least once a weekend. You don't want to surprise yourself or others with way TMI when you least expect it.

May 24, 2010

Summer Days

Due to the devastating oil spill now hitting the shorelines of Louisiana, this family had to bring their own baby pools (and plumbing system?!) to avoid getting in the contaminated water.

Editor's note: This is a terrible situation that is not funny in anyway and is really sad. Anywho...

Wouldn't you consider just NOT going to the beach that day? Rather than schlepping around your own baby pools?

Or, easier still, why not just bring some clean fresh sand into your backyard, where the baby pools already are, since you are clearly only going to be able to play with the sand anyway?

To me, this is a serious case of too much motivation. I'd just make my kids watch TV until the spill is cleaned up, or trick them into a back scratching competition where I'm the only judge and recipient.

This Diva takes her haircare very seriously

Check out this article.

I won't condone her excessive speeding but I will say the only worse than a potential 5 car pile-up is having your roots show! ICK!

Oh, Joy

I really, really, really hope that this does not mean that I am going to start seeing the haunting face of evil product-pushing in commercials during my otherwise pleasant TV watching.

Tyra Banks is returning to modeling. And this time she's bringing her company, awesomely named Bankable Enterprises, with her.

I was hoping that with the end of her talk show I would happily live a Tyra-free existence. But, alas, I am still being punished for something I did in another life.

I'd also like to think that she would be confined to runways and, thus, out of my life, but I have never been very lucky. So I'm preparing for either A) a commercial invasion of Tyra's stupid face and a lower quality of life or B) a move to a country where TVs have yet to be introduced.

Either way, the outcome is not good.

I = Shallow

I finally got new running/walk shoes (I walk to work everyday so I have to look at them a lot).

You might remember this mistaken purchase back in Decemeber.

Well the days of the white rockets are finally behind me!

I feel so much more confident on my way to work now, like I can really do anything!

Who knew that a crappy pair of Asics could make such a big difference in my life!

I do not heart Mondays

Today, on this gloomy Monday morning, I know just 2 things to be true.

1) I am going to sue the creator's of LOST for lost productivity at work. No finale should be allowed to last until midnight.

2) I respect the $hit out of anyone named Soledad.

May 21, 2010

Face the silence

Yes, I'm still having writer's block. So I will leave you with this one thought for the weekend.

I'm getting a facial tomorrow!...That is all.


May 20, 2010

To buy or not to buy

I can't figure out how to save the picture, so please click on the link above and see the "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" tab.

If that is not a sure fire way to make you rethink your purchase, I don't know what it.

Basically, if I buy these running shoes (NOT THE ONES PICTURED ABOVE), I'll be one step closer to being my grandmother, a ninja, and a fanpack wearing tourist.
*Sadly, I realized the pictures change so you can no longer see the shoes I was talking about, but knowing that the shoe pictured on this post in one should be enough. The others were similar. And one was pretty much water socks.

If she's not "skinny", then what the hell are we?

Does anyone else think it's absolutely rediculous when Kim Kardashian says "I'll never be one of those skinny girls" ?!

According to my research, she weighs only 109 pounds. I know that she is only about 5'2", but at a size 2, that is skinny!

Sure, I subscribe to more of the "You bet your ass I can't eat just one" philosophy, so my standards may be different. But this bitch is skinny.

Just because you have some curves instead of the prebubescent boy body of Kate Bosworth, doesn't mean you're fat.

I even calculated Kim's BMI and, while she is in the "normal" range, she's at the very bottom of that range.

I would just like to point out that it's laughable that she has a magazine cover celebrating that she's not "skinny" when she's a size 2. What a beautiful message to send to all of the starving and insecure women out there.

Bravo Kimmy!


My mom pointed out last night that I haven't really been my usual prolific self on DSW.

And upon reflection, I would half to agree.

My most frequent recent topics have pretty much focused just on food and wine. And, let's be real divas, that is usually what I think about.

But I also typically have an equal amount of divine thoughts of divas and hateful complaints about random civilians.

So I am here to apologize. I think I know why I am so distracted from diva-ness, and it's either one of two things.

1) It's because I'm getting married in 16 days and even though it's a small wedding and virtually every single minute detail is complete, and I am not the least bit worried about actually being married, I am 100% TERRIFIED of being "on stage" in front of all of my friends and being the center of attention for two whole nights.

It's virtually impossible to fall asleep at night, my heart rate soars throughout the day, and I have never felt so impatient in my life. I need the weekend to GET HERE STAT!


2) It's because I'm so excited about seeing Sex and the City 2, that all other Diva thoughts are blocked from my stream of conscious.

Either way, I need to take a big fat chill pill!

Don't worry, imma keep on blogging whenever I can think of something. But hopefully after June 5 I will be back in action with my usual stream of verbal diarrhea and won't be so mentally blocked!

Quote of the Day

"That’s like saying Prada’s are just shoes or vodka is just a morning beverage."

May 19, 2010

If feels good to be bad

I heart days when you have something to do right after work, making it impossible to go to the gym even if you "wanted to."

I heart them almost as much as I heart Spanx, white wine, and long weekends.

Such days are so much more relaxed and worry/guilt free.

I need to start making more 5pm weekday dates after I get married*!
* In related and ironic news, I've actually started making a list of things I want to eat after I get married. Related because it revolves around my obsession with food. And ironic because I haven't lost any weight anyways, so I might as well start the list now.

May 18, 2010

Call the police

Someone stole half of Nene Leakes's nose.
In fact, maybe 3/4.
Man I can't wait for the next season of Real Housewives of Atlanta.
This season is going to be GOOD! And apparently a little nasally.

Hip Hip Hooray

The day is finally here!
I have, in my possession, 2 tickets to the Sex and the City 2 movie!!

I've been waiting for this for almost 2 years to the day, so I couldn't be more excited.

And to make things even more ideal, I get the matinee rate for the 3:50 show next Saturday. There's nothing better than a discount, and a midday craughter (cry/laughter) session!

Check Please

If you are the type of person that likes to finish things immediately and cross them off of your list of things to do, I would have to advise against signing up for Netflix.

I took over my fiance's account when he moved away for his summer internship. And, as much as I love watching new and old movies whenever I want, I have to admit I feel kind of like a failure every time I return and receive a new movie and have nothing to show for it besides a long list of movies that I still have to watch.

I think the only way to over come the Netflix vs. neurosis battle would be to watch every single movie they have available.

Maybe I should consider that for a documentary, "How I conquered Netflix, and Lost all my friends as a result."

Watch out Sundance!

The same can definitely be said for a wedding registry as well, but in that case, everyday you get a gift is kind of like an early Christmas, so it's worth it to feel crazy and unaccomplished.

May 13, 2010

Carbs are for sober people

In my never-ending quest to rationalize random mid-week drinking, I came across a curious discovery today.

As predicted, your average red or white wine has about 100 calories per serving. This I knew.

I always assumed that all these calories came from sugar and carbs.

But, alas, the average wine appears to have almost a negligible amount of carbs and sugar in it!

Raise a glass, and the roof, fellow wine lovers.

If I can couple this discovery with the bunless Double Down from KFC, I might have just found the perfect low-carb diet!! ;)

Marriage is Phat

I think a bitter ex-boyfriend or arch enemy must be secretly working in my office and trying to sabotage my wedding/wedding dress.

No joke, there has been more "communal" food available in our break room in the last month than there was over the holidays. WTF?!

For instance, last week, in one day alone, I got emails offering up free pizza, free Birthday cake, and an ice cream social.

Today, there is a spread of cheese, biscuits, crackers, mini apple pies, and chocolate cake.

And not only is all of this stuff free, it's located right by my office! DANGER!

Not cool, secret enemy! Have a little sympathy for the soon to be bride who coincidentally has ZERO will power!

May 12, 2010

How is this a real thing?


They don't have my size.

Not only is this a real thing, it is for some reason listed under the "medium heel" section on Zappos.

And the real kicker, you can make these your own woven foot baskets for the bargain price of $355.00.

Not surprisingly, there is no customer feedback yet for these beauts, but I will be checking back to see if any purchases are made.

This is truly a crime against fashion and feet. I expected more from you Zappos, with your free shipping and excellent customer service.

A little bitter lower now

Even though my BFF Matt Morrison didn't get any singing time on last night's episode of Glee, I do find that the quality of the show has improved a lot since the disappointing premiere in April.

However, one thing I find to be a constant in this season, y que no es bueno, is that "Finn" looks like he's being water-boarded everytime he sings.
Oh! The pain!

Sweetie, if it hurts that bad to hit the high notes, just keep it low. Ain't nothing wrong with a little male alto.

May 11, 2010

The Library just became unsafe

Oh no.

Now she's invading the reading system!

Apparently Tyra Banks is penning a novel called "Modelland".

Not only is it about "this magical world that's been living in my dreams for so many years," according to Tyra, it's also part of a 3 book deal.

So basically Tyra is trying to make her own Harry Potter fantasy franchise, but instead of wizards and brooms and tiny specs, there will be eating disorders, bad weaves, and people who talk about themselves too much.

I'm already saving room on my bookshelf. Not for copies of Tyra's books. Just a safe place to store my eyeballs, which I will rip out if I ever have to read this garbage.


I apologize for not being more present on DSW the last few days.

I had my bachelorette party this past weekend and I think I might have drowned the clever part of my brain with white wine.

I'm slowly bringing it back to life and hopefully will have something relevant and, as always, totally stupid to report in the next few hours.

May 10, 2010

May 06, 2010


Whitney needs to hang up the mike ASAP.

Check out this article.

The pictures are hilar.

Some people say, "Once a diva, always a diva." But I think Whitney just proved that to be untrue. More like, "Once a diva, sometimes a haggard washed up lady who used to have the voice of angel."

Half diva, half animal

Something really, really gross happened to me recently. Warning, eat your breakfast before reading this.

I came home from being away for just one night and decided to get me a little snacky snack.

I put some food in the microwave and then I hear a boom, grinding sound that I certainly didn't remember from the day before. Then I smell the kind of smoke that you get when something is burning from within, like a motor.

After re-opening the microwave I see, to my horror, about 60 ants INSIDE the microwave. Gross.

Upon further inspection, I move the microwave forward and see about 600 more ants coming out of the back of the microwave.

O.M.G. A mother freaking colony of ants had set up shop in my microwave, thus causing it to explode when I turned it on.

Now I've had ant problems before, but this was too much. It gets worse.

After unscrewing and taking off the back of the microwave, I find probably 6,000 ants inside, all clamoring after their eggs and trying to escape to freedom.

Long story short, I no longer feel clean in my own home.

Ants, bugs, inc. are annoying, yes. Gross, yes. But to me, they are mostly just rude. That is like me coming into someone's mansion, inviting 600 of my closest friends, and then prancing around on the kitchen countertops and inside the appliances. RUDE RUDE RUDE!

Quit coming over, ants! You're no longer welcome in my home!

If looks could kill

I happened upon this ad yesterday and I cannot stop laughing at it.

To me, there is nothing sexy about this.

All I can see is, "Buy this lingerie, or I'M GOING TO F*!CKING KILL YOU!"

I've never understood the heroin-chic, anorexic model thing, but the look of death definitely doesn't turn me on either.

May 05, 2010

The most golden of all

This is going to be magical.

You have to respect any woman who hits her peak in her 80's. You go on with your badself Betty White. You go on!

Biggest Loser, Smallest Facial Hair

The makeover episode of Biggest Loser is always my favorite. And last night, like always, brought a tear to mine eye.

I think we all know that these contestants have to agree to NOT cut their hair or shave their faces for the duration of the show.

There is no way that it is a coincidence that 12 people get on a show and give up all haircare and facial maintenance for that many months.

Thus, the changes after their makeovers are even more dramatic and more tear jerking. It's a beautiful time of the year.

However, I have a major issue with the facial hair that many of the male contestants chose to keep post-makeover!
While Sam dons a goatee and Michael, some sort of miscellaneous hair patch, I was most horrified by Koli's SOUL PATCH!!!

Excuse me, but NEVER is a soul patch ok. I'll admit that I am biased and hate all facial hair, but back me up on this people!

Soul patches (or whichever of the many naughty other words you want to call it) are disgusting reminders that you almost made a good decision in cleaning up your face.
Close, but no cigar.

May 04, 2010

Quote of the Day

"Hurry up...I'm in a bad neighborhood and I just used the last of my pepper spray on a pushy Jehovah's Witness."

May 03, 2010

It pays to be a bad@$$

My sister and I apparently have faces that are so memorable that people who haven't even seen them remember them.

Saturday night we were going to try to sneak into an after party that we definitely weren't invited to.

We had an extensive plan in place, involving a faux marriage and some alternate ethnicities.

I get super duper nervous in situations when I could get in trouble, so my heart rate was skyrocketing upon arrival. But I managed to play it cool, approach the bouncer, and cower behind my sister in fear.

The bouncer took one look at us and said, "Oh I remember y'all, you can go back in."

I was in shock. It seems that all you have to do to get into exclusive parties is just get really dressed up and look like you belong.

I'll have to keep that in mind when I try to get into the Academy Awards next year.

WTF is wrong with Tyra Banks?

Seriously, she has officially lost it.

Cutie and the Beast

When I spotted Matthew Morrison the first night I was in DC, I think I had a mini heart attack.

I was sooo not expecting to see him right there in front of me, I didn't have time to think.

I walked right up to him and blurted out, "I'm a big fan of the show..."

Then I said nothing. For a while. Crickets. He looked at me like maybe he wanted to help me find the short bus I came to DC on and get me back safely.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally came to and introduced myself, and he did too. He was so nice and friendly. Luckily right after that some pushy magazine publicist interrupted us so that I couldn't embarrass myself anymore.

Note to self, when harassing celebrities in the future, have a little speech prepared.

Can I buy a sailor a free drink?!

Meeting Zach Galifianakis was way cool.

We discussed how we are both from North Carolina, shook hands, and had a brief but pleasant encounter.

I should've stopped there...but no...I sure didn't.

Later, when I was standing at one of the bars and he was at a table behind me, I made the stellar decision to go back up to him, and say, no joke, "Can I get a fellow North Carolinian a drink from the bar."

Three things happened here.

1) That was the lamest thing I could have possibly said. Ever.
2) It was an open bar. Typically offering to buy people drinks when the drinks are free is not that impressive.
3) He said no. It was awkward. I walked away mortified.

Later, I was taking a picture with my sis and her boyfriend when, who should walk by? Zach!

I said, "Hey you want in on this?!" He said, "No, I just want to go to the bathroom."


Nonetheless, he got in the picture which I'm def going to frame and tell my grandkids that it was my famous bff, instead of a celebrity that I scared multiple times in one night.

Nevermind the fact that we went to 2 different bars afterward hoping to "run into him". Luckily we didn't find him. I don't think that would've ended well for either of us.

Hats off to you Tony Romo

Tony Romo wears hat to White House event. Not appropriate.

I think Tony Romo looks a lot like Tim McGraw when he's not wearing a hat, which we all know is a little awkward. Tim, if you're reading this, you should always wear a hat.

Anyway, in more hat related news, Tony Romo wore a pageboy cap Friday night to one of the eve-of the White House Correspondents' Dinner parties.

Excuse me, but just because you're famous, does not mean that you can disrespect the dignitaries and politicians around you by wearing some stupid hat to a cocktail party!

I wouldn't come to your football practice dressed in a ball gown.

Next time have a little respect Tony. Hats off at 7:30 cocktail parties!
(Also, Omar Epps wore sunglasses to the actual White House Correspondents' Dinner, which I always think is a d baggy thing to do inside, especially when it's black tie.)

May 02, 2010


This weekend did NOT disappoint as far as fun times and celebrity sightings go.

Here's a brief list of the celebs I saw. Wait for more on the specific incidents in which I egg HARD with every person I talked to.

- Zach Galifanakis
- Kim Kardashian
- Chace Crawford
- Tony Romo
- Jessica Alba
- Larry King (looks like a lizard, I had a physical reaction when I saw him...scary)
- Matthew Morrison (omg, Glee!!!!)
- T-bone Burnett
- Tracy Morgan
- Rachel Ray
- Cynthia Nixon (so gorgeous, her lover wore a tuxedo...enough said)
- Bradley Cooper (mega hot, mega hair gel)
- Donatella Versace (looks like a literal dolphin - the real fish, not the porpoise)
- Fred Armasted
- Elizabeth Moss
- Jonas Brothers
- Ty Burrell
- Ashley Judd (gorgeous and sounded really sweet)
- Omar Epps
- Marlon Wayans
- Rahm Emanuel
- Adrien Grenier (hoooooot)
- Wolf Blitzer
- Chris Matthews
- Dennis Quaid
- Bobby Flay (looks like a villain)
- Tony Kornheiser

There might be more and I will add as I remember.

I know it's super obnoxious to list these but it was so exciting!

Not only did I see more celebrities than I ever thought I would, but I also confirmed the ability of my body temperature to go from 98.7 to 400 degrees in 3 seconds flat.

I am definitely meant to be a non-famous civilian. Fame makes me nervous and awkward. See follow ups for why I should never attempt to speak to a celebrity again.