November 25, 2013

Best Advice Ever

I just got a new pair of maternity pants for work and they are glorious.  They feel like pajamas and hopefully look just like regular black pants.  If you work with me and you disagree - keep it to yourself because they fit, therefore I love them.
It's going to be so hard to get re-accustomed to the whole exhausting zipping up the pants and buttoning the pants ordeal again after having this baby.  This whole faux zipper/button situation that maternity pants has going on is on is the titties.
You know what else is the  This advice that I just found while investigating yoga moves that I should no longer do:
" Don't hesitate to take breaks during class to rest in a Wide Child's Pose, or to even skip class altogether to take a nap."
Don't mind if I do!  This might just be my new words to live by.
I definitely think people take the whole "eating for two" thing too seriously.  But the entire notion of having to take it easy while pregnant is right up my alley.  And not just out of laziness. 
It's pretty remarkable what things that used to be easy are now hard.  Like walking up stairs.  And walking the dog.  And getting out of bed to pee 400 times per night.  I'm getting a little winded just talking about it.  I better stop.

November 21, 2013


In case you haven't already seen the cutest thing of all time, allow me to let you in the loop:
A California blogger at and her family just adopted a cute little puppy from an animal shelter.  And that cute little puppy started taking daily naps with their even cuter little son.  The rest is rapidly becoming history, on Good Morning America, CNN, Huffington Post, and more. 
And it's not hard to see why:
I don't care if you are a new dog lover like me, or the OG dog fanatic like my mom.  You have to love this.  Hell, even if your heart is made of cold, cold stone (mmm now I want Cold Stone), this will melt you.
I'm sure both of these cuties will grow to be much bigger.  And fast.  But does it make me a terrible person that I wish I could just stunt both of their growth and watch them be cuddly and adorable and that size forever?
Why are things that are petite so much cuter than things that are non-petite?  I'm allowed to ask that question because I am extremely NON-Petite.
Follow her on Instagram @mommasgonecity to see this cuteness daily.  It might just turn your frown upside down when you need it most.

November 19, 2013

And you think you and your husband go through ups and downs...

Linda sure knows how to pick 'em.  Bruce seems like good people.  Strong name, strong foundation (God willing).
Love is blind, I suppose.  Which could explain her previous relationships with an airplane and a train.  No, really...I hope she's blind.  Otherwise bitch is freaking crazy.

November 18, 2013

40's Pain Solutions (i.e., Rectal Ether)

I'm not a "warrior" as some women like to think of themselves.  I am more of a total wuss and am scare do death of childbirth causing irreparable damage to some pretty crucial parts of my body.  So I guess I am a warrior of being terrified.  I have no intention of having a natural birth.  I will not have my baby in a bath.  I will not have my baby without pain medication.  I do not like green eggs and ham.
But I also am glad that my options, as least as far as I know it, just include an epidural. 
Check out this list of pain options in the chapter titled "PAINLESS CHILDBIRTH" from this book from the 1940's.
"There are a group of drugs which can be administered either by hypodermic needle or by mouth, some of which alleviate pain and others of which, either alone or in combination, abolish the memory of pain.  Let us consider both the usefulness and the drawbacks of these drugs."
- Morphine: That just can't be safe for a baby.
- Twilight Sleep: "A woman under Twilight Sleep may shriek, make grimaces and show other evidences of pain, but upon awakening from the drug will remember nothing about her labor and will vow that she experienced no pain whatsoever."  This sounds like the unfathomably unattractive version of getting drunk and blacking out and having someone film you.
- Rectal Ether: Just no thanks.
- Barbiturates: See morphine. 
- Paraldehyde: Like they say about food ingredients, if you can't pronounce it, don't put it in your body.  Negative ghost rider.
- Spinal and Continuous Causal Anesthesia: This sounds like what they use today.  And after hearing from my friend about what the administering of that drug is like, I'm wishing I didn't have friends at all.  I thought it was just a shot.
When it comes to child birth, I think ignorance is bliss.  So I'll try to learn as little more as I can about an epidural.  I also think having something shoved up your butt or putting yourself in a temporary comma sounds pretty rough too.  So I'm glad those options are in the past.  And if I'm wrong about all this,

November 15, 2013

Wise Words from Ray Romano

I saw Ray Romano come to the greatest realization on Wednesday night's Jimmy Kimmel Live.  This epiphany came after telling a story of his wife, who was asleep, getting mad at him for reading a book, because they were supposed to talk.  His defense was, rationally, that she was asleep. 
Her response: 
"Oooooh, so you just immediately pick up a book."
He said he realized this from the argument:
Women want you to focus on them...only every waking moment.  With laser focus.  Then, when they go to sleep, you should sketch them.
That way when they wake up, instead of being able to accuse you of not paying attention to them or slacking off, you can say, "Here, look at this beautiful picture I drew of you!"
Sounds simple enough!  Ray Romano you are a wise man.

November 14, 2013

40's Fertility Fodder...I kid you not

How's this for a chapter opener:
"Clothing - The most important consideration in regard to the expectant mother's wardrobe is that it should be attractive.  This may sound like a superficial observation but it is profoundly true."
Ha. Ha. Ha.  Tell that to my sweat pants and t-shirt.  That I wear every night.  The exact second that I get home from work.
It goes on to blow my mind by saying, "Yes, more important than knowing the dangers of circular garters and high heels is the knowledge that you are well-groomed, because only then (if you are like most women) will you really enjoy entertaining your friends and meeting your husband's friends, and in turn visiting their homes."
"Pregnancy is no time to be a recluse."  Oh honey, no.  That's wrong.  Pregnancy is the perfect time to be a recluse.  Unless you count the company of a dog.  In which case I'm being social as shit.  Because she and I, well, we hang out a lot on my couch watching TV at night.  And we couldn't be happier.  Or more into peanut butter.
"To be sure, the abdominal rotundity is a handicap, but, for some reason, during the middle months of pregnancy women develop a special radiance which is most becoming and tends to offset this."
While I highly beg to differ about that special radiance (mine is more like a special form of adult acne), I so appreciate the new word for my "handicap" - abdominal rodtundity.  It has a really nice ring to it.
1940's, you so crazy.

November 12, 2013

Baked Woven Wheats Are Not Delicious

I picked these babies up from Whole Foods on Sunday.
And when I say babies I really mean the carb equivalent of a grumpy old man.  It turns out whatever they allow you to put in the Triscuits at Harris Teeter that doesn't make the cut at Whole Foods, is a very important and delicious ingredient.
But what I really have an issue with about these crackers is the name.  In what world is this an appropriate name for a food - Baked Woven Wheats?  At least one that you are trying to sell, and not trick people into disregarding so you can keep for yourself.
It seems like maybe someone was so high on granola that they just got tickled by the alliteration and decided to go with it.  Kind of like this, but with no preservatives or joy:
Whatever is the opposite of OPI nail polish naming criteria, is the modus operandi at Whole Foods.  I mean really think about the name Baked Woven Wheats.  If I hadn't seen it in the store with my own eyes I would have guessed it was a reference to very earthy quilt made in the Arizona desert.
This is just further proof that I need to save my money and my taste buds and always, always turn left to Harris Teeter.  Whole Foods you tricked me again!

November 07, 2013

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - One of a kind shirts, for one of a kind men

Too expensive to be a joke, but too stupid to be real.
The shirt option pictured above reminds me of Tom Hanks in the movie "Big".  It's like a man, who really isn't an adult, decided this shirt was appropriate just because it had a pocket and buttons.  Never mind the fact that it is made of patterns that include constellations, the pin stripes of a 1920's pimp, a race car driving collar, and neon swatches that look like they belong under the sea.
Just because you can exchange US Dollars for something, it doesn't mean it's a real thing.
Unless you are a quilt, 10 different fabrics is 8-9 fabrics too many.  I don't care if you are a mash up of pastels, neutrals, or Argentinian clubbing prints.  Less is more.
Bonus: "Because these shirts are a piece of art, the color and pattern is not revealed until the package is opened."  
So that means you don't get to know if you are going to be a Grade A douche bag or just a mid-level one until your shirt arrives.  Oh, what fun!!
"A One Of A Kind shirt allows you to show that you're an individual, that you're a little different than everyone else and you want them to take notice of who you are."  Oh, and that you are a gullible idiot who just paid $129.99 for the biggest apparel eye sore since the Wolves Howling at the Moon shirts, which I still don't get.

November 05, 2013

Gender Reveal Parties Reveal My Rage

On a scale of 1-10, gender reveal parties make me want to punch a hole in the wall a 10+.  I can't tell you why, because other people's box of blue balloons or pink icing filled cupcakes don't affect me in any way directly.  But I just hate them.  They are a prime example of how every aspect of life is too commercialized and cheesy and of the dramatic decline of the simple relaying of facts.
I was going to have a gender party and invite you all.  That is to say, I was going to take a picture of a piece of asparagus and two meat balls I had for dinner last week and tell you I was having a boy.  But, like usual, I forgot about my task and ate all the food instead.  But anyway, I'm having a boy.
I've never seen anyone get so excited upon hearing the words "scrotal sac" as my husband did when we found out.  All he talks about now is how he is going to take our son fishing all the time. 
I had to break it to him that he also has to parent the child in between canoe rides.  His response: "Oh I'll spank him some too".  So, to sum up, he thinks parenting involves fishing and spanking.  End of sentence.
I'm still perusing through this Expectant Motherhood book from the 40's.  And the differences between then and now continue to astound me.  For instance, now to reveal what gender baby we are having we invite over a bunch of people to watch us litter dangerous colored balloons into the atmosphere.  Back in the 40's, this is what they had to say about determination of sex:
"Were we to examine a large number of ova just as the spermatozoon is about to enter it, we should find that each ovum contains exactly twenty-four chromosomes; but close study would reveal that one of these differs from all the rest in appearance and is known by scientists to be a carrier of sex."
So to say we have dumbed things down a bit would be a gross understatement.  Also, I heart the word spermatozoon. 
I can tell by Pinterest that I am the minority in disliking these cheese-tastic gender reveal parties and subsequent Facebook posts about said parties, but can't a girl just like a good old fashioned scientific test and relation of fact to her parents and close friends?

November 04, 2013

I love you too

This one is a little hard to see because of the intense glare, but I captured the photo after pushing 90+ on the highway yesterday so I had to share.
The license plate is not from Maine so to me that reads: "I Love Me".
And I love that.
That is all.