June 30, 2014

Food Network Style Icons, and the bodies they work so hard to coverup

Ina is to the oversized Oxford shirt as The Pioneer Woman is to the XL Tunic. 
(As Anne Burrell is to the most insane hairdo ever, but I can't even handle her so let's not even go there....This does not make me "a happy girl").
Ladies, we've all seen you put 4 sticks of butter in your shortbread.  We don't expect that you'd have washboard abs underneath your clothes.  No need to put the cotton equivalent of a burlap sack on your torso and think you are fooling anyone.
I miss Paula.  At least she embraced her curves and electric white teeth with some vibrant colors and fitting shirts!   Sigh...
On a side note, is there anyone more annoying on the Food Network than Sandra Lee?  I swear to local channel 66, if she asks me one more time, "Can I just tell you?"...Lady, you have your own TV show!  The whole point is for you to just tell me.  Silence!

June 26, 2014

Things that do not mix

This Sunday I learned a few things.
1) Hangovers + babies = FML
2) Leftover Domino's pizza from your babysitter makes a great breakfast
3) Q'Doba has awesome nachos

4) James Foods Southwest Style Chicken Casserole is absolutely phenomenal.
5) It is impossible to lose baby weight while hungover and eating the above listed items on the same day in an attempt to quiet the evil troll pounding on your head.
6) Getting drunk is still awesome.  Just a loooooot more dicey when you have to care for another human the next day.

June 22, 2014

To Qualify

I just saw an ad for a study for acne treatment on TV.  These were the requirements to be eligible to participate in the study, which only "may" include compensation.
I don't know which would be more disheartening - Seeing this ad and then actually counting all the whiteheads and blackheads on your face to see if you quality?  Or realizing that you are just one popable zit away from earning money for your acne? 
Can you imagine having to bear the brunt of 99 blackheads and then being told that you are just shy of the standards of the study?  Talk about rubbing salt in wounds.  Or acne scars in this case.
This seems like some sort of acne discrimination.  I've never been more happy to not be good enough.

June 19, 2014

Foot in Mouth Disease

I'm lucky in that I don't suffer from post-partum depression, even though Tom Cruise says it isn't real.  But instead I seem to have contracted a severe case of post-partum Foot in Mouth Disease.
Recently I said the following absolutely stupid and awkward things:
1) Someone told me she wanted to come see me but was "looking a sight".  She still wanted to come say hey and give me a hug though.  I said, "That makes two of us!" 
I meant that I was also "looking a sight" because, well, I am a frumpy mess 100% of the time.  But it came out sounding like I had also been waiting to give her a hug.  This is only made exponentially more awkward by the fact that I barely know this person.  Her subsequent silence spoke volumes.
2) Rosie had some major stomach problems recently so I took her to the vet.  I was telling the Vet's assistant that I noticed that she had bloody diarehea this morning.  She may have had it all night but Grant took her out each time and didn't bother to observe if her poop was bloody so I didn't know exactly when it started.
She said, "Oh I have one of those too!"  I got all excited and said, "Bloody diarreah?!"  She paused uncomfortably and said, "Um, no.  A husband who isn't observant..."
Um, duh Marilyn.  In what world would a grown woman being telling you about her poop?  Why would I not automatically assume that she was talking about the oblivious husband?  Because that is actually funny and not completely disgusting and awkward.  Fail.
3) Same vet's appointment.  I was talking to the vet about his 3rd child that he is expecting.  He said when his other babies were infants he "co slept".  For a split second I was thinking that he meant that he slept half of the time while his wife fed the baby in his or her nursery and then she slept the other half of the time while he fed the baby.  Not that they slept together in the bed with their baby, which is obviously what co sleeping is.  So I enthusiastically said, "LUCKY!"
So now he thinks I'm bitterly jealous of his newborn bed buddy situation and that my husband actively denied me co-sleeping rights.
He also threw out the term EBF (which stands for exclusively breastfeeding), so to be clear I am neither jealous of his co-sleeping or the fact that he is a straight man who knows what that means and thinks it's ok to use the acronym so cavalierly.
The diagnosis is in and I got it bad.  Food in mouth disease and general stupidity and awkwardness.  I hope it's not contagious.

June 17, 2014

Well played, Sir

This was a recent ad on my Facebook feed.  I don't know how the widgets get in the mind of the computer user like they do, but they do it well:


June 15, 2014

Ice Cream Sundays - Scotchy Scotch Scotch

I found another Limited Batch flavor and it is SO good!
If you like Butterscotch flavor, which I really, really do, you will love this flavor.  I just rediscovered my love of butterscotch when I randomly bought a bag of butterscotch chips last month.  I guess I unknowingly bought it because I wanted to see how many different things I could put it on?  The answer was pretty much everything.  I need not do that experiment again.
Anyway, this flavor is awesome.  It is so butterscotchy and sugary and swirly.  It seemed like it was melting in my mouth in the form of heavenly little sugary crystals. 
This is my new favorite for now.  I can't remember a flavor before this that was so pure and perfect.  Thanks Ron Burgundy!

Flavors Tried - 48
Favorite Flavors  - Scotchy Scotch Scotch

June 12, 2014

Best Friends for Never

Even though Rosie seems like she might be coming around to Jack, and even though she loves him a lot when he has milk on his face and she temporarily dedicates her life to licking it all off, I still think Rosie is semi-devastated about having a sibling/not being an only child anymore.
They do have their moments.
If I could sum up their relationship in terms of shitty jewelry, I would say that Jack has a piece from the Open Heart Collection by Jane Seymour for Kay Jewelers. 
And Rosie has one half of a BFF necklace that she got at a kiosk at the mall, then  promptly put one half around her own neck and threw the other one on top of an Orange Julius in the trash can at the mall food court.  Way harsh.
Basically Rosie isn't really accepting new friends right now.  And Jack is too clueless and na├»ve to know that he's only being used for his tasty drool.  You could cut the tension with a knife.

June 10, 2014

Wordy Babies

I'm just curious, when it comes to the ridiculous little titles on the Carter's outfits and pajamas, who is actually encouraging this trend?
In my collection alone, not by choice, I have shirts and pajamas that say the follow absurd things:
"Grandma's Favorite"
"Little Big Guy"
"Daddy's Little Hero"
"Dog Gone Cute"
I think the fact that he is a "little guy" is implied in the fact that he is a BABY!  But thanks for branding him.
And probably more but I tried my damndest to find clothes at Carter's that were wordless.  See, the thing is that I need Carter's.  I can't just abandon them on account of their overly wordy wardrobes because they are the most affordable baby clothes available. 
Daddy's Little Hero...No pressure.
Basically, I only dress my baby in the finest $5 door busters.  And I don't plan on stopping for a long time because he grows out of the clothes in like a day so I'm not going to invest a large sum of money in baby gowns and furs.  Although I do have a few nice things thanks to some generous gifts.  But for the most part, Jack wears Carter's.
Grandma's Favorite...Sorry cousin!
Here are some other absolutely ridiculous find from their current collection.
"Awesome Like My Uncle" (so specific!)
"I Love My Daddy"
"Dad & I Agree, Mom's the Best"
"Mr. Macho Man"
The list goes on but this is enough to make you a little embarrassed I'm sure.
This is actually from Babies R Us but too stupid to not share.  How does this have anything to do with babies?
Again, who is encouraging this?  Who would not prefer the exact same clothes and prices, but without the cheesiest expression possible?

June 05, 2014

True Life: I'm a New Mom

Don't quote me on this, but I think I might be becoming a real person again.
After two months of hunkering down with baby and dog, I am doing major things like taking elective trips to stores and not living so much with the motto,
"If I won't die without it, I'm not going to leave the house to get it."
Think dinners like Tuna with Israeli Couscous...with no couscous. 
You know what doesn't help a new mom's confidence in reentering the world?  Your baby going ballistic when you are in the feminine hygiene aisle of the grocery store, not being able to abandon your mission because you naively put all your groceries in your stroller because you thought you could actually do this, than accidentally throwing his pacifier on the floor and having to reinsert it in his mouth because you have no earthly idea what else to do to make him stop crying.  (And then praying that no one saw you on the security camera for fear that they might call child services).

Where was this fatigue when I needed to get my groceries!?
Also, your baby having another full on melt down when you are attempting to exercise and are 2 miles away from your house and to change his diaper on the side of the road, then taking another hour to make it back home because you have to stop and cradle him every 50 feet or 50 seconds, whichever comes first.
Maybe he was crying because his head muff made him too hot?
And you know what else?  Getting rear ended by a friendly man named Ronald who was not so friendly with his brakes on your very first outing in the car with your baby.

But I'm back.  I think.  I might even start wearing real pants and stuff soon.  The only remaining problem I have in this area is that my new ass seems to have eaten my old ass.  So we are having some "fit" issues in the bottoms department. 
I also thought at one point that my earring holes might have actually closed up from lack of being a real person and wearing accessories, but it turns out I just had to retrain myself to insert earrings. 
I am woman, hear me roar!

June 03, 2014

Family Decals on Roids

This sighting from Houston, Texas puts your standard family decals to shame. 
Texans really do do everything bigger.