October 29, 2011

Ice Cream Sundays - Pumpkin Cheesecake

I almost couldn't wait until Sunday to post this review, because the batch is limited and it's very important that you try this before it sells out for the season.

Why? Because it's LUSCIOUS!!!!!!

Hello Fall. I just ate you. And you are divine.

I'm not a huge fan of pumpkin flavored food so I thought I might not like this... And I thought wrong. It really has more of a spice cake flavor than pumpkin if you ask me...which absolutely no one has done but I am so passionate about this ice cream experiment that I am humoring myself.

In addition to the perfect amount of warm spice and cinnamon undertones, there is a mega-sugary delicious presence of graham cracker swirls. Even a little more delicious than the graham cracker swirls of the Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream.

This one had me a'moanin and a'groanin. If you serve this at a dinner party this Fall, you are sure to impress your dinner guests who will be impressed that you and Ben and Jerry managed to churn the essence of an entire season into an ice cream, and then place it into a convenient pint sized carton for their enjoyment.


Flavors Tried - 3

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Still Strawberry Cheesecake

October 27, 2011

Mr Fix It...Later

I grew up having a dad that liked to fix things. And even now, he's like the Tasmanian Devil of home improvements. Moving with a determination and speed that, although is probably not even safe with power tools, is much appreciated because he GETS. IT. DONE.

I'm used to that. And I am used to doing things in a timely manner. So this whole moving into a house and doing one improvement per day is not my ideal.

My husband built the great wall of China a closet for me, and although it really is a dream closet, the box that it came it said estimated assembly time is 59 minutes...It took him a week. And I think he's still pretty tuckered out from it.

Last night I tried to reason him into putting up a mirror for me, because I knew it would only take a minute or two. The mirror now works, but my reasoning did not. I tried to tell him that I think we are in pretty traditional marriage roles. I cook all of his meals and clean and do laundry and all of that stuff. He works a lot and hunts and, in a dream world, can fix everything the minute I ask him to!

Well I did not plan this argument well. A mere hour before I gave him this schpeel, I had insisted that we go to Hooters for beer and buffalo wings. And while it was delicious, it did absolutely nothing for my whole "we are traditional" argument.

He reminded me that traditional women don't beg their husbands to go to a place where the only thing bigger than the beers and wings is the bazongas on the women that serve them.

Point. Counterpoint.

I am slowly just getting used to not getting everything finished instantly. And I hate it. But I am realizing...GULP...my way is not always the best way and sometimes a man just needs to sit on his ass. And sometimes a woman just needs some damn buffalo sauce.

October 26, 2011

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Breaking News: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have launched a website solely dedicated to their twins, Monroe and Moroccan.

What's the name of the website? I'm glad you asked...http://dembabies.com/ What else, silly?!

This is literally as if God answered the most specific prayer I've ever had. They are super cute.

Unfortunately the pictures you can scroll through aren't numbered, but please click through them at least until you get to the one with the baby wearing a diamond tiara and pearl necklace. I think it's the 5th or 6th one. And I think it's the best thing I've ever seen.


I'm Soo not in love with a stripper

Lisa Lohan has officially stripped for Playboy. Thank goodness...the suspense has been killing me about what her naked body looks like. Oh wait...I've seen it like 10 times by accident. Because she's modest like that.

I understand that addictions are addictions and maybe it's harder to stop smoking crack and being a raging alcoholic than the average person thinks. But it is not hard to stop being naked in public.

It's pretty simple really. You just don't take your clothes off for cameras. And you certainly don't do it for money. And when you say it out loud like that it sure does sound a lot like prostitution. But in this case it's more like the lazy girl's prostitution because she's not actually doing any work. As if she could sound any worse on paper...

I know she probably needs the money. Let's be real, $100,000 bail is hard to come by when you haven't had a real job since your late teens (Herbie Fully Loaded...anyone?). And lawyer fees add up when you've been to jail 3 or more times. But enough is enough Lindsey!


In any other case I would use the old sarcastic adage, "Oh I bet her mother is just so proud."

But in this case I can't, because you know somewhere outside of the Playboy Mansion Dina Lohan is laughing all the way to the bank counting her precious monies.

I really do feel sorry for Lindsey. She clearly has major problems. I do not, however, feel sorry enough to buy her issue of Playboy for two reasons. 1) I like the men. 2) After seeing the decayed condition of her teeth in recent court appearances, I don't dare to even think what sort of personal hygiene offenses she's hiding underneath her clothes.

It's No Sacrifice

Good news. I finally found the song that is my perfect range of tone. "Sacrifice", by Elton John.

I have no idea what the lyrics mean, but you can read them and listen to the song here.

I knew I'd never be able to rival Mariah, but who knew that my ideal voice match was a flaming gay man!? I couldn't be prouder.

I'm also really good at making noises like, "AAA, AAAA, A, A, A, A, A", so there's really no surprise here.

Sing with me now!

October 25, 2011

A Baby's a'Comin

Have y’all seen these recent pics of Jessica Simpson (click here for link to pics)? Even though she still isn’t confirming that she’s pregnant, if she isn’t than homegirl just ate the biggest burrito that Texas has to offer…like 45 days in a row.

The real ass kicker about this story is that she’s allegedly shopping around her big pregnancy reveal for $500,000. After seeing these pictures, if anyone actually decides to pay that much to reveal the most obvious news of the Fall season, that’s just fine, because clearly they just don’t need that $500,000 and are looking for a quick way to get rid of it.

I’m so happy for ya Jess! But let’s call a spade a 2nd trimester spade here and let the cat out of the bag. That cat being the fact that you are really, really, really pregnant.


I finally saw Bridesmaids. It was awesome and very funny, as promised.

However, one thing that everyone failed to mention is that it's also very sad. Like, borderline Dramedy classification sad. The way Jon Hamm treated Kristen Wig's character made me so mad and sad. Guys like that definitely exist in real life. And no girl deserves that :(

Nonetheless, I loved it. And would gladly watch it again and again. I think Kristen Wig is so beautiful and talented and has awesome comedic timing. All the characters were great. With the exception of one scene. The one where the incredibly large, incredibly intense pseudo-lesbian bridesmaid takes a poop in the sink.

It turns out that the only sophisticated thing about me is that I really really really hate poop jokes. And poop scenes. Same with throw up. Can't watch it, can't hear about it, and can't even pretend to think it's funny.

Other than that though I basically have no class and I'm ok with it. Just don't tell me a joke about dookie.

October 24, 2011

Picturesque and Talented

A lot of people have asked me to send them pictures of my house. Since that sounds like a lot of work and kind of awkward, I went ahead and drew this extremely accurate depiction of the house.

Obviously Grant is the one with the huge muscles and I'm the one who's so skinny that people are talking about me behind my back because they are worried about me.

Just like real life.

Situation Normal

Homeowning so far is awesome. And hard. And hilarious.

Remember that time my husband told me I looked like a newspaper?

Well he still says awesome things like that.

We were swimming in the pool this summer and he kind of held me up in the water. That inspired him to tell me that he would carry me across the threshold of our new house...if we could build a moat around the front door so that the water could displace my weight. Needless to say I did not do any further prancing around in my bikini after that swim. But I think he actually meant it in a nice way?

This past weekend I was out of town and left him to tend to a few home improvements in my absence. When I returned I asked him if he hung up the blinds.

His response: "Well, I started working on it and then I hit a SNAFU."

Me: "What was the SNAFU?"

Him: "...I started drinking wine and watching baseball."

Some call that a SNAFU. Some call that a terrible excuse to not do work. I call it hilarious.

Even though we still have nary a blind in our house, he makes me giggle so I can't get too mad.

October 23, 2011

Ice Cream Sundays - Strawberry Cheesecake

Where do I even begin with this flavor? I bought this the day after I moved into my house. I had a raging headache and I was stressed to the Miz-Ax.

I bought the mini version of this flavor and sat down for the first time in 3 days to eat it. And...wait for it...IT GAVE ME A HUG. I know that sounds really "fat girl", but it's true.

This was the most comforting flavor of ice cream I've ever had. It had a mellow, creamy strawberry flavor that reminded me of the summers I never spent in Nantucket. And the best part, and most surprising!, was that there were actual delicate pieces of graham cracker crust in the ice cream. I don't mean like a lil' piece here and there. It was a prominent feature of the ice cream and it was, in a word, HEAVEN.

It was everything I needed on that heinous post-moving day and made me feel so warm and cozy inside. It was like the backscratch-without-having-to-ask/most-perfect-temperature-and-softness-blanket version of ice cream.

This might be the best ice cream I've ever tasted in my life. Oooh the creaminess...Ok, I have to stop now or else I'll bust out of my house and go buy more. But you get the idea. It was ab fab and if I wasn't going to try to eat all the flavors Ben and Jerry's has to offer, I'd stick with this one for the rest of my dairy-tolerant life.


Flavors Tried - 2

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor so far - Strawberry Cheesecake

October 20, 2011

Gimme Gimme More

A friend recently sent me a link to this most amazing of websites: http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/

Is it bad that I want almost every single thing on the site? Except for the $55,000 Tron Motorcycle. I'm just not that in to motorcycles, or spending $55,000 on anything that won't provide me with shelter or the body of my dreams.

Other standouts include:

* The never soggy cereal bowl - Maybe it's just me but I think the best part of eating cereal is the leftover milk that is left laced with the artificial cinnamon and sugary flavorings that fall off of the cereal pieces. Oh and also, Oreos are not cereal.

* Magazine Cover Pillowcases - I particularly like the Playboy version of this pillowcase, because who doesn't like to feel like a tired slut when they hit the hay?

* The Raptor Hoodie - Not really that crazy in the grand scheme of the website, but how much does this remind you of this scene from Mrs. Doubtfire.

* Baby Carrying Jacket - So your baby can forever look as though he is still coming out of your vageen. Not Necessary!

* Handerpants - "Underpants for your hands!" Say what?!

* Flying Radio Controlled Shark - Just NO. So no.

There are a million more but you get the idea. Americans are truly the best.

October 18, 2011


Holy Mother of Moving.

That was an intense weekend. Between moving furniture, unpacking everything I own, and subsequently realizing that I need to win the lottery STAT, this weekend was an exciting blur.

I have either a crick or a pinched nerve in my back and am now going to have to unintentionally do the Robot all day at work, but it was all worth it.

Now I just need a couple of things: A dream closet, blinds (apparently towels and old sheets are not aesthetically pleasing to the neighbors?), a new bathtub, a washer and dryer, to repaint everything I own, to repaint lots of rooms, to reupholster all my couches and chairs, and find the spot in the backyard where the money tree is growing.

Until any of that happens, I’m going to be semi-broke, going around my ass to get to my elbow find a clean shirt and some freaking chapstick, and loving every minute of it...while relaxing on my pink suede couch.

The really good news is that yesterday I only messed up 90% of the home repairs I attempted. Hello new hole that I drilled right smack through the door. And my husband only used 90% of all of the curse words in the English language when he installed the world’s widest and most diagonal toilet paper holder and one half of a towel rack…the other half fell off and is now in time out.

I’d say we have a lot to learn! I will post some before and after pictures soon – assuming there is an after to tell of!

October 16, 2011

Ice Cream Sundays - Half Baked

Recently my mom had the best idea she’s ever had. That I should try every single flavor of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and review them all on my blog. TWIST MY ARM!

According to my research, there are 46 original ice cream flavors out there. I plan to find them all!

That’s probably going to end up being about $200 in ice cream and 92,000 calories of straight fat. But that’s just the type of thing I’m willing to do for the readers of Divasayswhat.com.

So every Sunday, assuming I haven’t gone into some sort of diabetic shock from an excess of sugar, I’ll be hosting Ice Cream Sundays on Divasayswhat.com. (Sundays = Sundaes…do you see what I did there?)

The first flavor I didn’t even have to re-try. That’s Half Baked and I’ve had it about 100 times.

You know, usually in life I do not like it when things thwart my path. However, with Half Baked that is not so. And that’s because those “things” are going to be either chunks of brownie or balls of cookie dough. And honey, they can thwart my path anytime they like.

Final verdict: I love this ice cream and I love the rich toppings mixed in. The ice cream flavors in this particular ice cream don’t stand out as much as some other flavors, but that’s ok because they are just the supporting characters in a pint-sized show in which Brownies and Cookie Dough are the real stars. Half Baked is a show I could watch again and again and again!

October 13, 2011

Same Gay Stones

I have been watching the Real World: San Diego this season (don’t ask me why, it’s not good at all), and I have noticed a few glaring contradictions in one of the characters.

In last night’s episode, for example, Zach (aka Thor) basically freaks the freak out when Frank brings home a dude and has sex with him…all over the house.

All opinions about sexual orientation (and hot tub sanitation) aside, if I were Zach I probably wouldn’t go on and on about how gross gay sex is, while wearing a face mask, with shaved legs, talking about how I wanted to adopt a pig, push it around in a stroller, and essentially carry it around in a baby bjorn. That just seems a little contradictory.

For instance, I wouldn’t criticize the token lesbian Sam for bringing a girl home, if I were doing so while tossing around a field hockey ball, jamming to the Indigo Girls, and playing with my armpit hair.

My advice to Zach, either be more open minded or, if you are going to throw stones, don’t be the exact same as the stone.

Diveats - Nigella's Sexy Porkchops with "Cream" and "Hard Cider"

For the past two nights, I've made this recipe by Nigella Lawson. It was delicious, although it did not make me feel like an uber-curvy alabaster British beauty like Nigella, as I had originally hoped.

Probably because instead of using hard cider and cream, I used apple juice and skim milk. But as I always say, Why add fat and calories when it is not needed!? (Side note: I never say that).

These are the only ingredients I need for the meat besides the actual meat. Pretty cheap and easy, no?

Btw, how freaking good is apple juice!? I usually don't like to drink my calories unless mama's gonna get her buzz on, but for apple juice I will make an exception.

I thoroughly enjoyed following Nigella's directions to beat the pork chops "briefly but brutally". I also thoroughly enjoyed the help of a big strong man! (Note the arm hair).

I served it one night with rice and asparagus.

And the next night with orzo and stewed apples.

I will definitely be making pork chops more often because in addition to allegedly being "the other white meat" they are also cheap as hell. I got 4 chops for $6 at the local Teet last week. Booya!!

October 12, 2011

It's Just Way Too Damn Late Is What It Is

I just heard an amazing song on the radio. It’s amazing because it’s actually a very catchy tune. But also because the lyrics and message of the song are equal parts hilarious and absurd.

Listen to the song here for your enjoyment.

Read the lyrics to the song hear for your amazement.

Here are my thoughts on the lyrics:

- First of all, what sort of uppers are these crazy fools taking? At 5 O’clock in the morning, if I’m not sleeping, I’m already bemoaning my pre-hangover hangover, trying to get the mascara off of my eyes, and most likely having a cheese-based snack. Def not creeping to T-Pain’s bed.

- Second of all, the whole scenario that this guy and girl are creating is so disturbing it makes me laugh. I can just imagine the writer of the song thinking, Ok, I got it! We are going to get a really polite sounding British girl, who thinks common people are boring, and who suffers from a severe case of insomnia/nymphomania. The back story is that she has sex with T-Pain all the time, but only at 5AM. Ok, go!"

Then she overhears T-Pain saying he’s getting a lil' sleepy, so she beats him to his bed where she then pretends to be asleep, hoping he is “creeping”.

So, if I am to understand that correctly, she intentionally gets into a horny guy’s bed at 5AM, pretends to be asleep, with the hope that he’s in the mood to, what?....attempt to get it on with her comatose body? That is sick.

Actually I know of a situation just like that that happened in college. One of those people went to jail.

Final thoughts – Great song to listen to, not so much to over-analyze. Also, home girl needs to get a new, earlier booty call. By the time she hits 30 she’s not going to be able to stay up past midnight, let alone 5am.

Maybe the follow up song can be “It’s 5 O’clock in the PM, I just had a wine spritzer with my legit boyfriend…Then we went and got appetizers, he told the waitress, “Hey, go ahead and double size hers”….That’s really more my style :)

October 11, 2011

I don't know what I absolutely think I do know

I was driving to Greensboro this weekend and heard a major blast from the past on the radio: "I Think I'm in Love" by Jessica Simpson.

Two things about this song.

1) This lyric (found here): "I don't know what's gotten into me, But, I think I know what it is."

So which is it Jess? You do or you don't?! Personally, I think you do. It's just more fun to seem ditsy, no?

2) Just try singing every word to that song out loud and not getting a raging nasal headache. It's not possible.

I don't know about the rest of the population, but the vocal gods did not intend for me to hit those high notes. The back of my throat and my inner ears were punished for the rest of the car ride.

All in all, definitely not Jessica's best work. It did, however, make me really miss her singing voice and her brief attempt at being a dancer.

October 07, 2011

Oh my

I was seriously taken aback today when I saw this on the road.

This driver either had a truly terrible experience with a bratty kid, or was just that upset with the season finale of Toddlers and Tiaras.

Either way, the message is coming through loud and clear!
...NOT a fan of bratty kids!


October 06, 2011

Carne AsadAAAhmygod that's good

I am 90% sure that I'm finally moving next weekend. And I'm 99% happy about it. The 1% reservation has do with a lil' something I like to call heaven/Kiva Grill/Baja 38 Grill on Market Street in Wilmington. Also known as The Best Restaurant I've Ever Been to 300 times.

I have been there at least once, but mostly twice a week since I've lived here (often two days in a row). Which has been for about 4 months. So, I've basically had Mexican food 30 times in the last 4 months.

Holy black beans! That's a lot of Mexican.

The saddest part is that I don't even have any shame about it. I finally achieved a status as a "regular". They know my order. I don't have to cook when I go. And I miraculously haven't gained a pound from the 4-month Mexican extravaganza. Maybe it's magical?!

They are so good that no matter how complicated your order, they NEVER mess it up. The only SNAFU I've ever experienced was when a waitress forgot my black beans. And it turns out I wasn't even that hungry that time, so it's like she read my mind and did me a favor by not bringing them to me. Delicious beef plus mind/stomach reading abilities?! I'll take it!!

Give me tex-mex or give me flat abs death. If you haven't been there you are MAJORLY missing out. And if you have been and you didn't get something with the Carne Asada, you obviously hate things that are absolutely FANTASTIC! Seriously, I am going to have to pull another "allergic reaction" email and try to find out what the marinade is. It's that good. Tonight when I ate there I actually told my husband, "I want to make love to this meat." And he agreed...so that's saying something.

Luckily they have 2 other locations in Wilmington so I can go no matter where I end up moving :) Otherwise I might simply wither away...or get really into Italian food.

October 05, 2011

I am woman hear me not talk

I have seen this ad on the highway several times but couldn’t snap a pic of it for fear of losing my life driving 80 mph, taking pictures of a gynecological billboard.

But I finally pulled up behind one of their ads at a stop sign! It might be kind of hard to make it out in that photo, but that’s 4 woman, dressed in bright purple, embracing each other. The catchphrase above reads: “Women Caring For Women”. Ahh, I see what you did there. You’re going to be my friend and the doctor of my womanhood. How fun.

Here’s my problem with that. Going to the gynecologist, in my opinion, literally couldn’t get any worse. That is, unless you add a bunch of Girl Power and hugs from strangers to the mix. My ideal trip to the OB/GYN, well, wouldn’t exist. But if it had to, I’d be wearing a bag over my head in it. And for that matter, so would the doctor.

Whatever happened to good old fashioned anonymity and impersonal patient-care? The doctor I went to in high school was 2 things I think a doctor should never be: 1) The mother of a kid my age in my church’s youth group, 2) excited about women’s private parts.

What that essentially boils down to is the doctor asking about the well being of my parents and my sister while she’s face first in my baby maker telling me how wonderful things are. No, no, no, and ohmigod hell no.

I would like to keep those 2 things disassociated for the rest of my life THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Maybe I’m the exception to the rule, because some women might like their doctors, their naked bodies, and general exhibitionism. But I am not one of those women. I am sure the women at this OB/GYN doctor’s office are great and give awesome hugs, but I’ll be going to a doctor at over-crowded hospital center where I’ll probably wait for an hour, but can do so knowing that I will never, ever see that doctor out in public or at the neighborhood Christmas party.

Also, those scrubs make me dizzy.

October 04, 2011

5 octaves, 1 diva

In case you were ever curious about the origin of my obsession with Mariah Carey, be curious no more. The answer is here: http://music-mix.ew.com/2011/09/29/mariah-carey-five-octaves-one-minute/

That's my #1 diva singing five octaves in one minute...albeit not at the same time, but I know she could do it if Monroe and Morrocan's lives depended on it.

I referenced her ability to hit the whistle register here in July, but who knew that she was also a veritable baritone as well.

My favorite notes are definitely F#3 and B6. Check out the video at the bottom of this page and try to tell me she's not fabulous. I dare you.

October 03, 2011


The other day when I posted this post about not being able to fall sleep, I got a few funny suggestions of how to solve my problem.

One was to picture myself alone, floating on a raft in some body of water, in complete darkness. This sounds good in principle but didn't work for me because I kept thinking of a shark swimming by me in the dark, popping my raft with its fin, and then eating me in violent bursts. The only thing that terrifies me more than trying to go to sleep is sharks and large bodies of water.

The other suggestion I got was to picture myself alone, in a dark movie theater, waiting for a movie to play, and then nothing ever comes on the screen.

Next thing I knew I was Omar Epps, the token black guy in Scream 2, getting stabbed in the ear through a bathroom stall at the local Cinema. Needless to say, that visualization didn't work either.

Oh well. The suggestions might not have made me sleep but they sure did make me laugh in the end. Keep 'em coming!

Diveats - Thai Basil Chicken

Last night's dinner involved more new ingredients. How exciting! The new-to-me ingredients last night included fish sauce and rice vinegar. Usually I just omit crazy ingredients so I don't have to buy a whole bottle to use 2 tablespoons, but I decided I make enough Thai/Asian/ethnic foods these days to just buy the whole bottle...and $100 later at Harris Teeter, I'm an authentic Asian chef.

I used this recipe as the basis for my creation but added lots of fun additional vegetables to beef up the mixture, including mushrooms, sugar snap peas, snow peas, broccoli, and bean sprouts. Btw, if you are on a strict budget and like foods that taste terrible by themselves, try bean sprouts. I got the whole bundle pictured above for only $0.09!

After quite a bit of chopping, I was ready to being by browning the ginger, onions, and garlic in some olive oil.

Brown the chicken.

Add the sauce.

Add the vegetables and watch as the pan magically plumps up with lusciousness.

Voila! Finished product.

This wasn't necessarily the fastest recipe in the world, but it was delicious, comforting, and packed with a variety of veggies.

I can't wait to make more Asian inspired dishes with my new fish sauce and rice vinegar!