April 11, 2020

I Miss My Friends

First things first, let's all agree to disable the Screen Time app on our phones.  We all know we are on our phones too much these days but it's OK because sometimes looking at your phone a million times a day in denial that no invitations will be coming in makes us feel more normal.

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Here we are, Spring Break 2020 living that 4th week quarantine life.  Personally, I do not think the Government should legally be allowed to call it Spring "Break".  The only thing we are breaking is our backs squatting on the floor trying to teach fine motor skills to our children because we have no choice.

My homeschooling is struggling.  I told Jack last week that we were going to write a book throughout the week.  A new page every day.  Then I forgot and now the only page of the entire book has one sentence.  "I like war."  If you know Jack, you know that the only thing he loves more than snacks is WWII history.

Recently, I have either been choosing to clean my house or entertain my house.  You can tell by my house that I have definitely NOT been ignoring my kids.

My level of boredom is such that I actually found myself wishing for a break out last week so that I would have some zits to  pop.  I miss humans.  Don't get me wrong, I don't need to spend another second with my husband or kids.  But I would love to have a dinner with some friends and experience some gut busting laughter and a million hugs.

One way I have found to pass the time is by getting into really time consuming foods.  I recommend labor intensive oddities like pistachios and grapefruits.  Hell, the other day I ate an entire artichoke by myself just because I wanted a project that would take some time.

How is everyone looking these days without salons being open?  I consider myself pretty low maintenance in the upkeep department.  I won't come out of this with black hair underneath my roots or alarming nail beds.  But I am not going to lie, I could use a little Botox.  I have been furrowing my brow A LOT these days and it looks like I have a full size Oscar Meyer wiener in between my eyebrows.

I've lost all tolerance for real clothes.  I put on jeans and a blouse yesterday and felt like I was suffocating from the general fittedness and lack of elastic.  You know who I bet are really thriving during this time?  Bunions.  They are all breathing a huge sigh of relief not to be crammed into a narrow stiletto to go to work or somewhere fancy.

I don't usually get political but we need to talk about Doctor Deborah Birx, MD.  Her scarf collection and scarf tying game is so strong there is no way she doesn't know Oragami.  

What is the deal with people hoarding toilet paper during a pandemic?  Unless you get a stress induced case of the runs, why would you ever need tons of it?  I bet you that the Charmin bear wipes his ass with $20 bills now he has made so much money from this panic.  I still can't find toilet paper in the stores, not that I ever go in stores anymore.  I finally found some Seventh Generation TP on Amazon and I quite certain from the texture of it that it completely missed the paper mill and is recycled straight from tree bark.  

Speaking of toilet paper, it has become apparent after all this time spent at home together that no one else in my house flushes the toilet and at least one person doesn't even wipe after going #2, so the tp shortage isn't as much of a personal crisis as I originally feared.

Yet another Instagram challenge that I was not nominated for is the First Dance Challenge.  Which is fine by me because I refused to have a first dance because I didn't want people looking at me.  In fact, I insisted on a steel drum band with no vocals to ensure I didn't have to dance at all.  Instead we limboed to the steel beats under a makeshift limbo stick someone made by untwisting the bristles off of a broom stick.  So take that friends who haven't nominated me to do push ups or show other pictures of my first date.  

To all my friends out there, that's all for now.  I fear we shan't meet in person soon so until the next time I get to my computer, deep breaths, heavy pours, and lots and lots of patience.