May 31, 2012

Awkwardness is > Relaxation

I recently got the weirdest massage of my life.  Granted, I did pay only $20 for a LivingSocial hour-massage plus a free chiropractic consult, but I was still expecting more.

My first clue that it was going to be a weird experience came when the masseuse came up front wearing sweatpants, a t-shirt, and no shoes or socks.  My second clue was when she asked me to sit on the massage table…then she sat on it with me, legs crossed, like we were BFFs at a slumber party gabbing about boys and bitches.

I knew this was going to be a decidedly un-luscious massage when I realized the room was totally full of outside light, there were complimentary airplane blankets on the table, and I saw this:

Just when I expected the calming sounds of the rain forest to wash over me, I instead heard Bobbie
(her name) say that she was hoping the “gremlin in her phone would cooperate” so we could listen to music.  Although it only worked for about 4 minutes, and cut out at least every 20 seconds, I was quite certain this was no Enya or sensual sounds of the wild.  Instead, what Bobbie was playing on her cell phone was unmistakably local rock on 98.7FM, and she sang along with every word.  That is, when she was talking during the massage and calling me “doll”, “ladybug”, “darling’”, and “lady.”

When I first told her about my pinched nerve and hip/back pain, she hustled out to talk to the Chiropractor and came back with “beautiful news” – they were going to give me a free chiropractic consultation and X-rays.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that a) That was included in my Living Social deal and b) Mamacita ain’t coming back to see Bobbie or her cohorts or their beautiful news.

After only about 5 minutes into the massage, I realized that I had no reason whatsoever to believe this woman was a licensed massage therapist, and at least 10-15 reasons to think she was a lesbian who was willing to find creative ways to see my boobs.  At one point she said, after admitting that it was “a little unusual”, that she was going to “slide under me”.  I assumed there was a magic hole in the table and she was going to pull some maneuver like this to hit some hard to reach spots:

But instead she actually slid her hands under me and rubbed my back while I was laying ON MY BACK.  A little unusual indeed, and also a previously unheard of physical possibility.  She also started the massage my asking me if there were any areas I didn’t really like having massaged, citing that some people don’t like certain areas like their feet rubbed.  I insisted that “I love a foot massage”, and she must have taken me very literally because she ended up rubbing one side of one foot, and literally did not touch the other.  Now I’m physically and emotionally lopsided.

Even though the massage, which was supposed to start at 3:30, actually started at 3:45, she was still sure "that time is moving faster everyday" when she cut me off at 4:30.  No B-nasty, you just shaved a whole quarter of the session off by being late and talking too much.  That's not magic, that 600 seconds of time that I was just lying there wondering what the hell was going on.

My favorite part was when I gave her a $20 tip.  The massage was only $20 after all so I thought I should tip generously.  That was when Bobbie, the consummate professional shouted, “Wow, really?  Woah!”  Awkward for me, and those in the lobby surrounding us.

And although the massage was mediocre at best, I did leave feeling a little better than when I came in.  Then, after crafting this blog post in my head for the whole car ride back to work, I immediately entered the lobby, slipped on a wet spot, bruised the entire outside of my foot, and made my back even worse than before Bobbie rubbed me down.  Karma’s a bitch.  And there’s a 99.9% chance Bobbie’s a major stoner.

May 30, 2012

Words With Friends, but definitely not lovers

Ever since I got an iPhone I've been playing a lot of Words With Friends.  Besides being slightly annoying, the ads at the end of each play are also kind of depressing. 

Find Local Singles!
Check Out Singles in Your Neighborhood!
Lonely?  Find Available Singles!

The fact that these singles ads are so prevalent on Words With Friends makes me think that maybe it's kind of a lame past time. 

It also makes me think that if I was in fact single, staying home on a Friday night, playing Words With Friends, and these ads kept appearing, I would become very, very sad about the state of my life.

Somehow even though I do all of those things, knowing that the ads don't apply to me as a married lady make me feel infinitely better.

Something about the combination of playing glorified Scrabble with perfect strangers and being taunted about being single and/or alone feels even more brutal coming from such a pocket-sized device!

May 29, 2012

Cool as a Cucumber

We just picked these cucumbers and more from our garden this weekend.  Can you believe we grew those from seeds?!  It's remarkable to see actual results from our first attempt at vegetable gardening.

I also now understand the expression "Cool as a Cucumber".  I was intrigued to discover that, although these cucs have been sitting on the ground in the hot sun for weeks, the second I peeled the skin off I felt the coolness of the cucumber inside!

I used these two make A LOT of cucumber sandwiches for our First Annual  Memorial Day Cookoff.  Which involved two guest judges, lots of beer, lots of sides, and lots and lots of meat!

Grant's ribs won 3rd place.  The grand prize winning entry was crab cakes with a pineapple salsa.  But everything was delicious!  Check out these amazing pimento cheese cupcakes my friend brought.  The base is a cornbread cupcake.  So cute and Southern!  I can't wait to make these sometime.

All in all it was a very fun, relaxing, and extremely unhealthy Memorial Day weekend!  Standard protocol for me.  Fun fact: By the time I clocked in around 11pm last night, I had literally gained 10 lbs in a day.  I guess endless meat and beer will do that to a girl.  I've never been so excited to not eat red meat or drink alcohol for the rest of the week.  My organs agree.

May 24, 2012

Stop it

Intrigued by the headline of the article, I just stumbled upon this piece of "news" online: Single mother-of-two reveals why she married HERSELF and even goes on date nights alone (article)

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about some girl power, but this is just too much.  Whatever happened to an old-fashioned Treat Yourself Day?  Why does this woman have to call going out to dinner alone a "date night" with herself!  I don't call it a date night when I drive through Chik Fil-A alone.  Guess why?  Cuz it's not!

And what if, God willing, this woman does find love again with another man?  Which do you think would be more awkward: Telling a man you are dating that you are actually married?  Or telling that same man that you are actually yourself!!??

Me thinks the latter.

Also, the video of her marriage ceremony to herself on this article just hurts my heart.  Can't you just give yourself daily affirmations?  Isn't proclaiming that you will spend the rest of your life with yourself pretty obvious? 

What I wouldn't give to see the exact wording on that wedding invitation!!  Was there a first dance?  Will she keep her last name?  Or take her self's last name?  Will she honeymoon at Sandals, Jamaica?
So many questions, so little wedding party.  But at least you know it will last for all eternity.

May 23, 2012

I Don't

Just when you thought weddings, weddings accessories, weddings favors, wedding traditions, and wedding budgets couldn't get more ridiculous, UGG introduces the "I DO" collection of wackass footwear.,default,sc.html?icid=ft_wedding

I've heard a lot of brides recently say that they wore Tom's to their wedding.  They make a sparkly silver pair and, while still not very attractive in my opinion, at least they are comfortable, less than $100, and give back to a child bride in a poor country who can't afford her own wedding shoes.

No so with the UGG line.  One pair of the iridescent "Sparkles I Do!" boot will set you back an eye-popping $225.  Holy matrimony!!  That's a lot of money for a lot of ugly.  Plus, my feet would be sweating so hard in those fur lined fuglies.  Being a bride + faux fur around my feet would definitely = a nervous puddle of awkward for me.

I've never understood the appeal of the UGG anyway.  They are expensive, do nothing for your thighs, and can totally slopp up any otherwise cute, casual outfit.  I think my mom actually bought the first pair of UGGs ever.  Ironically, she wasn't trying to be stylish.  She just values comfort so much she was willing to pay the price.  (It should be noted that they were the slipper version, not the ankle boot.  So she still succeeded in not being cliche...or stylish.)

If I were ever to spend that much money on shoes, I would at least buy something awesome and unique that I could wear to lots of occasions.  When else could you possibly pull off a shiny, rhinestoned winter boot.  Unless you're Mariah Carey who goes to Aspen just to walk around in fur trimmed articles of clothing, good luck with that!

I say if you are going to try to be unique, spend $15 on a pair of Reef's flip flops and just enjoy the fact that no one can see your feet anyway.  Unless you are wearing a mini-skirt or mullet wedding dress, in which case that's a whole different story.

May 22, 2012

Make Me Over

I just found the best deal on makeup I've ever found (that isn't from a drug store).  I just went to Ulta to find some makeup for my sister's wedding.  I almost bought a trio of one brand for $28.  Then I saw this: 
Only $39 for all 5 items - Unheard of!

It's $149 worth of Smashbox makeup for only $39!  And I'm not just being a sucker and believing this to be true.  If you actually add up the value of the 5 separate items that is the amount you would pay a la carte.

The blush is a great pink color I know I'll love.  The eye liner is "Stone" (brownish), so you can't go wrong with that.  There's primer and a great shiny lip gloss that won't make you look like a whore.  And a pallet of 4 eye shadows and an "illuminator" color that I would had pick if I could choose my own colors.  They are all neutral-ish.  I'm a neutral girl.

In fact, I'm not really a makeup girl at all.  I just threw away some eye shadow that had actual rust on it (probably from high school), and I have bought mascara a total of 3 times in my entire life.  That's not just not-into-makeup...that's borderline unsanitary.

But now that I know there are deals like this out there I might start collecting shadows, brushes, blush - oh my!

Here's a closeup of the eye shadows in real life so you can see they are much more neutral and not all shades of multi-ethnic foundation like the box indicates.  Trust me, I don't just have terrible taste.  The box really doesn't show the true colors.  
I will make you beautiful!!

Don't believe me!?  Go to your local Ulta and find it in the Smashbox aisle.  Great value, and options!!

Boring Bachelorette Blues

Last night's episode of the Bachelorette was, not surprisingly, about as exciting as watching a guy play video games.
In fact, when making cookies for her daughter's soccer game, it almost seems like Emily is reveling in the level of boredom that she is subjecting her male suitor to.  Oh well, at least she's proud of it.

But I did catch one thing in the previews for the upcoming episodes that made me sooo happy. 
Remember when I mentioned in this post that there was a guy holding a dinosaur egg???

Well, I might have made up the dinosaur part, but it looks like the egg gets some major action in an upcoming episode.

Unless I am seeing things, it looks like Emily loses her shiz and smashes the egg in the near future.  Did anyone else see this?!
I can't wait to see what the gel-haired owner of the egg does to deserve this!!

Maybe there's hope yet that this season will get even remotely interesting.

Too Heavy and Too Awesome

Do you ever feel like it's all just too much?

We all have days like this.  Unfortunately we aren't all as cute when we react to them.  And we can't all pull off footed pajamas.


Way to  commit to character!!

May 20, 2012

Ice Cream Sundays - New York Super Fudge Chunk

Super fudge, indeed! 

Contrary to what the prevalant white chunks on the pint would have you think, this flavor is like chocolate on chocolate mixed with chocolate.  It's essentially a ménage à trois of chocolate.  But with a few surprise, interracial appearances by white chocolate.

It was good and extremely decadent.  I can't say I'd buy it again, because I prefer vanilla over chocolate.  But if you are looking for an extreme WHOA factor (not necessarily "wow"), then this will give you the desired result once you have that first bite of maximum chocolate.  No clue what this flavor has to do with New York?


Flavors Tried - 23

Pounds Gained - Maybe none, Maybe's all becoming a blur

Favorite Flavor So Far - Mint Chocolate Cookie

May 18, 2012

Riddle Me This

Why do clothing websites feel the need to divide the clothes you put on the top part of your body into so many different categories?  Tunics, Tops, Shirts, Blouses, Knit T's, etc. 

Aren't those all shirts!?  Let's not over complicate the matter,, etc.  You know who you are!  A shirt is a shirt, by any other name would still be a damn shirt!

Also, why are tunics, seemingly a summertime shirt, all long-sleeved and made of unbreathable material?  How about we collectively get rid of the sleeves, apply the technology of Under Armour to summer clothes, and quit sweating through our adorable Trina Turk hot pink tunics...which, for all intents and purposes, are better suited for winter months.

May 17, 2012

Diveats - Stuffed Artichoke Halves

Last night I made up my own recipe.  And it made feel very proud!

I present to you -
Stuffed Artichoke Halves w/ Cream Cheese, Candied Onions, Toasted Pecans, and Honey Stuffing

I served it alongside chicken with pesto and french bread with bruschetta on top (light on each because they are such intense flavors and because pesto is alarmingly fattening).  I was worried the sweetness of the artichoke filling wouldn't go with the bold Italian flavors of my meat and bread toppings, but it went together pretty well.

I do think it would have gone better with more subtle flavor of meat, perhaps a pork chop or chicken with no topping. 

I never, ever use honey because a) I don't love it and b) it's super sugary.  But we got a cute little jar as a wedding favor recently so I thought this would be a great chance to pop it open. 

Here's how I made it:

1) Squeeze the juice of two lemons in a large pot of boiling water.  After trimming the tops off of the leaves and cutting off the rough exterior of the stem, add the artichoke (I just used one and split it with my main squeeze), and boil for about 15-20 minutes, or until you can stick a fork in the vegetable and it go in and out with ease.

2) Drain the artichoke upside down and cool slightly until you are able to handle it.  Then cut if in half.  Using a paring knife, cut the purple, hairy, and rough part in the center of the artichoke then scoop out with a spoon.

3) For the filling - I combined 1/8-1/4 cup of caramelized red onions, 2 Tablespoons of dry roasted pecan pieces, 1 Tablespoon of plain breadcrumbs for body, 1/4 cup of light, room temperature cream cheese, and a large drizzle of honey.  I combined all these ingredients together and filled each artichoke half with as much of the mixture as could fit.

4) Bake artichokes with filling inside at 400 degrees for about 10 minutes until the mixture is warm and gooey.

Serve with whatever you like or eat plain!  The thing I love about this dish is the amount of possibility.  You could stuff an artichoke half with pizza-like fillings, sharp cheeses and meats, onions, nuts, oh my!  There are so many options. 

My picture above doesn't do it justice, but when prepared right the artichoke sure can be a beautiful, elegant thing!

May 16, 2012

The call is coming from the inside

Have I ever told you that I work directly above a Mexican Restaurant?  It's actually not as dangerous as it sounds.  I never, ever want Mexican for lunch, as my employers don't allow nap time. 

However, I have noticed something interesting about the people that work there.  When I go get the mail behind the building, because I'm the more important person in my company, I always see an employee of the restaurant sitting in his or her car.  What is this all about?  Are they being sent to timeout?  Do they just love their cars that much?

Whatever it is, it's muy interesante.  And it also reminded my of something else I've never told you.  AKA, the scariest thing anyone has ever said to me:

"Oh, I saw you last night at K38 eating at the bar with your husband."  (That is my all time favorite restaurant in town, btw and it was my coworker who said this to me).

This is scary for a multitude of reasons, but mainly these:

1) He saw me, but I didn't see him.

2) Which means I was eating chips and salsa in the typical fashion that I do when no one is watching - With reckless abandon.

3) He now knows how much and how fast I eat and drink, and he knows that my husband does it too.

4) He knows I live nowhere near that restaurant so it's now out there that I commute for Mexican food.

5) He didn't say "Hi" because after seeing #2-5 he's probably scared I'll eat him too.

After he initially told me he saw me I was wracking my brain trying to remember if I'd eaten food off the table or single handedly finished off a basket of tortilla chips.  Probably both were true, but I can't even remember now.  Selective memory I guess. 

On the bright side, I always check all of my surroundings now when entering a Mexican Restaurant, and I try to keep my chip intake to a 100-chip mzimum in case someone is watching.

Fellow Mexican Food Lovers, look alive!  Someone could be watching you too!

I Beat Myself Up

Yesterday I kicked my own ass.  All in the span of about an hour.  It involved bashing my shin into a low lying metal grate that I did not see, and sweating through my blouse (which I wore, not knowing that I would be a nervous wreck all day* and need to be wearing Under Armour).

But the highlight of my self-inflicted ass whooping involved *fire ants.  And lots of them.  I was waiting outside of a property I was going to show for work when I heard a lady call to me and ask me if I was a broker.  I approached her car and told her I was not, but I worked for the broker who represented that property.  We got to talking, she was there to take some measurements of the same space I was supposed to show, blah blah blah.

Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt little pains all over my feet and ankles. I just started saying, "Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow."  I had never been bit by a fire ant before so I didn't know what in the world was happening.  Then I look below me to find a massive pile of fire ants, storming all over the ground, my feet, my ankles, my shoes.

Naturally I reacted like an insane person, flung my shoes across the parking lot (not on purpose, just as a side effect of my shock and dancing around like a nut job), and started swatting the crap out of my feet and ankles while saying over and over, "OW.  OW.  OW."

All of this to which the woman I was talking to replied from the safety of her car, 'Oh yeah, I thought that might be an ant hill."  Thanks.  Thanks for the heads up.

Luckily I turned out not to be allergic, but I did have to show the property for the next hour with no shoes on, because fire ants were still impressively coming out of the insoles of my shoes for the next hour or so.

I would love to have seen this incident from a storefront nearby.  One person sitting in her car nonchalantly.  The other person flouncing around outside like a maniac, karate chopping the air and her own legs.

Add this to the list of reasons I'll never be President of the United States - Cannot even stand in a parking lot without actin' a fool.

May 15, 2012

Bachelorette is Back, And this time she's Unanimously "Stunning"

Who watched the Bachelorette last night??  That show makes me so uncomfortable that sometimes I think my head is going to explode into really, really awkward confetti.

If I were Emily, and I had that many people tell me that I was "beautiful", "stunning", "amazing", and
"breathtaking", I'd be like "You know?  You're right!  Screw it, I'm going to buy a mirror and just marry myself."

The fact that she didn't eliminate the guy carrying around a dinosaur egg and/or the leprechaun in the green shirt who came in doing the Charleston gives me very little faith that she is going to find true love this season.  But then again, they never do!

May 14, 2012

Are you Mom too much?

Have you seen the most recent cover of Time Magazine?  It's all about "Attachment Style Parenting" and it's intense.

Here's my take on the whole situation: If you have to name something a "style", especially your parenting approach, than it's probably too extreme.

People who raise their kids normally don't call it "Normal Style Parenting".  It's just called Parenting. 

Also, if your kid is old enough to drive his own Big Wheels, he's too old to be feeding from your teet.

There ain't enough camouflage in the world to hide the weirdness of this mother-son relationship.  But nice try with the cargo pants.

What intrigues me most about this cover is how it might have come to be.  Do you think they did a nationwide call for "moms who admittedly breastfeed their kids way past the point of normal"?  Or perhaps the editor goes to the same church?  Who knows.

I ate Mexican last night

I feel bad for Mexican restaurant menus.  Those poor guys get salsa spilled all over them!

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the dirtiest menu of all?  Mexican.  Fo sho.  

May 10, 2012

Back That Pipe Up

Ever since we got a washing machine (which, by the way was back in November), we have had an odd gurgling sound in our kitchen sink when we do the wash.  That was right after this happened, so I never had a lot of confidence in our whole plumbing system to begin with.

I insisted every time it gurgled that we needed to get a plumber.  He insisted every time that it was normal and "just because it was all connected."  Riiiiight.

Then the noise spread to my bathroom sink.  It all eventually got too close to the surface for me to accept that it was "normal" anymore, so I finally put my foot down and enlisted the help of a plumber.  Grant met him today and, lo and behold, we had two problems.

He tried explaining it to me with a metaphor about Pineapple Juice and how you have to punch two holes in the can to get it flow properly.  If I was a betting lady I'd put $100 on this being an explanation that he stole from the plumber and totally mixed up somehow.

Regardless, in my quest to be as obnoxious as possible, I thought of a brilliant new way to succeed today when I asked Grant, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how right would you say that I was about this being a problem?"

He just said, "I am so not answering that question."

So even though we probably have to spend about $300 on this whole mess and I have to share a shower with a boy for 4 days (ewwww!), at least I thought of a cutting edge new way to say "I told you so!"

Use it ladies!

May 09, 2012

Amendment WTF Were You Thinking

I am in disbelief that Amendment 1 passed in NC yesterday.  I won't say, like many people have, that I am ashamed of North Carolina.  I'm just ashamed and feel pity for the individuals who voted for the Amendment to ban gay marriage.  I really didn't think that people in this day and age still had that capacity for ignorance and close-mindedness.

I voted yesterday because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I didn't.  Not because I thought my vote mattered.  I assumed that everyone in their right mind would vote against it.  I clearly underestimated the amount of hatred and stupid there is in the world.

I would seriously like for one person who voted for Amendment One to tell my why he or she did so.  And please, don't quote the Bible.  Because I'm sure the Bible never mentions that "Thou Shalt Wear Copious Amounts of Hair Gel All the Time," but I'm sure some of the same people who voted for Amendment One will also vote for Mitt Romney.

I truly don't understand how anyone could believe that two people, probably people they don't even know, being married can affect their life negatively in anyway.  And I'm not buying the "sanctity of marriage" argument.  There are a lot of man-wife marriages out there in which spouses cheat and beat on each other.  Where's the sanctity in that? 

It's about love.  It's about commitment.  And it's about the right to register at Pottery Barn for new linens.  JK.  It's a CIVIL RIGHT people.  How can you conceivably argue that that right shouldn't apply to a group of people!?  How is that not the exact same as racial discrimination which we all decided almost 5 decades ago was criminal?

I'd like to argue that if gay people can't be awarded the same right to marry who they want to in the state of North Carolina, then they should not have to pay into certain state taxes that ultimately benefit legally recognized married people.  Sure, that sounds petty and illogical.  But sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.  And in this case that fire is just sparked by some assbackwards hatred that I cannot even wrap my mind around.

In fact, that's not just assbackwards.  That's bullshit.

This is why I have never been able to get on board with politics in general.  If people can't be rational when it comes to basic social justices, how are they to be trusted when making decisions regarding what is fair in terms taxing the public and controlling the level of health care they receive.

This is a sad event in the history of our great state.  I hope no other states follow suit.

May 08, 2012

There's No We in I

Do you want to know what really rubs me the wrong way? 

When people say "we" when they really mean YOU.  For instance, when someone says, "Can WE create ________ for _______?  And can WE have it ready by today?"

What I want to respond with: "No, WE will not.  But I will, and you know damn well that's what you meant the whole time."

What I end up responding with: "Ok."...Silent rage.

Not only is it as if you don't have the courage to just straight up tell me what to do, it also implies that you are going to take credit for the work that "we" did by myself.  Double Whammy!

If you don't have the brains to do something yourself, at least have the balls to admit that you are straight up getting someone else to do it.

May 03, 2012

Confessions of An Average Lady

I've been having a cray cray week at work and just haven't thought of that many funnies to lay on you so far.  But in the spirit of not falling completely off the radar, here are some thoughts for the week:

- If heaven were a pant, it would be this one - Mossimo Yoga Pants from Target
This is literally the most comfortable pant I've ever had the pleasure of wearing.  And at $14.99, I got them in gray and black!  And I probably would have gotten more if I'd seen all these dope colors in the store.  Thighs, rejoice in comfort!!
*Bonus - I didn't know until searching for this link that I bought something in the Junior's Section.  That surely hasn't happened for the better part of a decade.  So now I'm comfortable and hip as shit.  Woot woot!

- I had an ironic realization this week.  I use all natural cleaning products in my bathroom, but not my kitchen.  You would think I'd care more about my food prep surfaces than my makeup prep counter.  This really confuses the expression "Don't Shit Where You Eat".  Either way, I hate cleaning.

-The most annoying part of having your credit card information stolen and used (for the 2nd this year....grrrr) is not that someone is stealing your hard earned money.  It's the subsequent emails you get from your cable provider, and your cell phone provider, and your power provider, etc. letting you know that your payment has been rejected.  As a person who prides herself on doing and paying everything the exact second she receives a bill, these sorts of rejections really hurt.  Getting wait listed at Vanderbilt?  Eh, OVER IT.  Time Warner Cable telling me my payment "was declined by your financial institution"?  That I just cannot handle.

- This weekend, I am hosting my sister's bachelorette party.  Not only will it be a fabulous group of girls to hang with, we also get to celebrate Cinco de Mayo together!  I've called to confirm my reservation approximately 5 times so far.  I've loving Mexican food this much is wrong...I clearly don't care that much about being thin.  After a poo poo week I've never needed 1) My sister, 2) A weekend, and 3) A margarita more.  My excitement can best be summed up like this:

May 02, 2012

Don't Be Tardy

Yesterday I got on the couch to watch the first episode of Kim Zolciak's "Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding".  Brilliant, by the way.

Grant kept giving me the dirtiest look like I was CRAZY for getting excited for this.  Which I probably am, but that is an entirely different story. 

I finally asked him why he was being so strict because he watches shows about people voluntarily getting stuck in the woods for a month.  This was just standard trash for me.

As it turns out, he misread the abbreviated title on the DVR as "Don't Be a Tard" and assumed I was just a really bad person.

Sure, considering content maybe the titles could be interchangeable.  But give a girl some credit.  I would never, ever watch a show called "Don't Be a Tard".  Unless of course Kim Zolciak was in it!!  Then it'd record it every week. :)

By the by, how is that woman pregnant again already!?  She is one fertile myrtle!

Reading is Sexy. Apparently.

My sister sent me this gem with the caption "Sexual Book Lover"?   I can't trump that so I'm just passing it along as is. 

She's definitely right.  Either a sexual book lover, or a formerly modest librarian who just got a boob job and is now putting her new assets on display.  While maintaining her quota of pages per day.