Things that do not mix

This Sunday I learned a few things.

 

1) Hangovers + babies = FML

 

2) Leftover Domino's pizza from your babysitter makes a great breakfast

 

Source

 

 

3) Q'Doba has awesome nachos

 



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4) James Foods Southwest Style Chicken Casserole is absolutely phenomenal.

 

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5) It is impossible to lose baby weight while hungover and eating the above listed items on the same day in an attempt to quiet the evil troll pounding on your head.

 

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6) Getting drunk is still awesome.  Just a loooooot more dicey when you have to care for another human the next day.

 

Source

 

The Weekend Lives On

I call this picture, "It Pays to Drink".

Other possibilities included, "I will do absolutely anything to get free money".

Drink More, Care Less

My cousin sent this to me this morning.  And, while I should wait until Friday to post this in honor of the freakin' weekend, I just can't. 

Preach about it sister!

My love for Tina Fey is too great.  And my belief in this message is too strong.



Mother nature would object

Sometimes I think I only want to have boys because I already have two great names picked out, my genes and my jeans are better suited for a manly physique, and because my husband might freak out if he has to one day play Barbies and sip air-tea.

And then other times I think I only want to have boys because of things like this:

http://m.wect.com/autojuice?targetUrl=http%3a%2f%2fwww.wect.com%2fstory%2f18638335%2fteens-turning-to-vodka-tampons-to-get-drunk

This brings a lot of terrible things to mind, like WTF is wrong with these people!? 

But mostly I wonder who the first person to instigate this fad was and how that came to happen.  To me it's like the discovering the first pineapple.  Who would ever look at it and think, "Oh yes, that spiky, prickly bulbous is going to taste like God's gift to the tropics!"

And who would ever think, "Hey, you know what would be a more streamlined way to turn into a babbling drunk mess!?  Let's soak some tampons in Vodka then put them in our vajayays!"

I guess sometimes being "creative" is actually a character flaw.  Don't try to be the Steve Jobs of getting drunk quickly.  It will not make you a millionaire.

Also, I feel bad for the person who unknowingly drinks the remnants of the tampon soaked Vodka.  I'll readily admit that I stole liquor from my parents when I was in high school, but at least I had the decency to refill the bottles with water, not feminine products.

Bitches be crazy.

Chick Beer!

Oh my, my, my.

This is too much. Chick beer. http://chickbeer.com/

I love the catch tag, "Finally, a beer just for women."

Because Michelob Ultra, MGD 64, and But Select 55, and Mike's Hard Lemonade aren't enough?

"The bottle is designed to reflect the beautiful shape of a woman in a little black dress. The six-pack looks like you are carrying your beer in a hip stylish, purse. Chick’s unique reflective bottle blings you up! It’s fun, fabulous, and female!"

This is amazing because it implies that it is normal, nay stylish, to carry beer around in your purse. I'm pretty sure that's the sign of a good time a serious alcohol problem.

Kind of cute idea either way. The little black beer dress is timeless.

Raise a Glass

Today is National Wine Day! The only random, pointless holiday I can think of that trumps National Peanut Butter Lovers Day, which is apparently a real thing and happens to fall on my Birthday.

http://www.punchbowl.com/holidays/national-wine-day

Raise a glass and celebrate tonight...or at lunch if you're a real diva.

Devastacion

6 de Mayo is decidedly less fun than 5 de mayo.

Especially when you are hungover and have to be a parking attendant for 9 hours.

Sleepy Drunky

Last night I was talking to my dad about how I haven’t been sleeping much these days because I’m stressed about moving, finding a job, impending travels, etc.

Good news! I solved both problems.

First, I drank lots of wine so I slept like a baby.

Second, I woke up to find my husband sleeping on the couch, wearing the same clothes he went out in last night. He played a raucous game of Bar Golf with his buddies and must have “accidentally” fallen asleep on the couch.

And just like that, I wasn’t stressed about finding a job anymore. Because I’m not going to get one! I’m going to get wasted at nights and watch TV all day!

I’m just kidding. He deserves to have fun because he’s graduating from Grad School. But that doesn’t mean I can’t save the mental image of him sleeping on the couch on a Thursday morning if I ever get blue during my job search!

Ole!

Happy Cinco de Mayo Todos Las Divas!!

I am going to celebrate tonight with what I like to call a Divarita! (Which is an exact rip off of the Skinny Girl Margarita. Low cal recipe here.)

I totally shouldn't drink tonight, because I just had the realization that I will be in a "drinking situation" every single day from tomorrow until May 22. Ay ya ya :(

But what can I say? I'm a sucker for a good Mexican themed holiday!!

Just a Drizz

Ina Garten is to a "drizzle" of Olive Oil as I am to having "one" drink (i.e., does not happen).

Ina, 4 Tablespoons is not a drizzle. Self, a bottle of wine is not a drink.

Oui Oui, No!

I've decided that the only way a french manicure can be not the tackiest thing in the world is when it's a beer french manicure.

Tips are out divas.

3 cheers, 3 feet

Do you ever feel like your life is a video game?

That's how I've always felt in Chapel Hill with all of the students, bikes, homeless people, drunk kids, bike races, crazy weather, etc. Everything always happens so fast and whizzes by, a la Mario Kart.

Well last night I just reached a new level in the game.

For starters, I went to a bar that served $4.25 PITCHERS of Genny Light. Have you ever heard of a better deal!?

Then all of a sudden, Karaoke starts. The first person on the mike, who as far as I can tell came alone, sang a Christian rock song. Whomp whomp.

Then a little old lady walked in rocking a pimp cane, by the side of her man, who looked like a toothless Santa Claus.

This was really strange to begin with because she seriously was about 3 feet tall but pounding a beer, tapping her cane to the beat, and seemingly having a normal/good time.

Until she came up to my friend and started basically speaking in another language! Not like Spanish. More like Klingon? I wish so badly that I knew what she was saying because at one point I think she actually asked to have her picture taken?!

No one could say for sure, but it was unusual!

Anywho divas, I'm off to a staff meeting for the "better" part of the day so have a jolly good weekend if I'm not back before 5!

Beer for Horses, Coke for my co-eds

Because I work at a University, and have to work on the weekends every now and then, I have a lot of opportunities to observe various tailgating styles.

And there is one that has me absolutely perplexed: THE SOBER TAILGATE.

From what I've gathered in my observations, it merely consists of a group of young co-eds eating Doritos, drinking sodas, and NOT imbibing any alcohol.

I just don't see what the point of this is!? Why bother getting together and sitting outside when you could do all that from the privacy of your own couch?

Honestly, it just makes me sad. I sit there watching them knowing that what I see is the most interesting their day is ever going to get.

I like knowing when I am with a group of people drinking and watching football that Silent Samuel is going to real chatty in a few beers. Or that Unsuspecting Ursula is about to say some really appropriate things. And after one more round of beer pong you just know that Tame Tammy is about to take her top off.

That's just good, old fashioned American fun!

Don't get me wrong, I love Doritos and chatting with friends, but I like it much better when I know that there is at least a strong possibility of bar fights, over-honest conversations, and bad decisions later in the night.

Travesty

Last night my sister went to one of those classes where you drink wine and paint paintings.

And this was the glass that they gave her.

The fact that I couldn't be there with her is truly heartbreaking. That should've been me!

In related news, this catchphrase also applies to me. :) TGIF biznitches.

I refuse

Was anyone else aware of this ridiculousness?

Yesterday while cruising the beer section at Harris Teeter for far too long, I came across not one, but two varieties of Ed Hardy beer. I almost fell backwards right into the North Carolina red wine section.


I can only imagine the distinct flavor of the hops, barley, and hair gel this is brewed with.


The most offensive part? Besides the vicious lion and one-eyed skull on the packaging? They costs $9.99 per 6-pack.


The slogan on their website says "It's not just a brand. It's a lifestyle."


I'll say! No truer words have ever been spoken.

Little Lies, Big Stupid

I love it when people call their vices "little".

I was watching a recent episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians where the family gets on mom Kris Jenner about her smoking habit.

Her defense: "I just like to unwind every night with my little glass of wine and my little cigarette."

Bad news Kris. Just because you call something little doesn't mean it's not going to kill you.

I used to work with a person who would get just a little bit of almost everything from the nearby buffet for breakfast and lunch everyday. Again, calling it little doesn't make those biscuits and gravy healthy.

Not surprisingly, he was morbidly obese.

That's why I like to have huge beers and giant glasses of wine. You gotsta keep it real or you're just fooling yourself!

Aaaaand...

Now I want a margarita*

*See below

I'll drink to that

If for any reason you're under the impression that you're a "good drunk", I have a suggestion for you.

Do what I did this Saturday. Go to a bar around 6pm where every other person has been drinking since noon.

There you will see indisputable proof that no one is a "good drunk" after that many hours.

Just a tip to save you from thinking that you're capable of achieving the impossible!

Shouldn't be a real thing

Source

I know that times are tough economically these days, but if I had kids, I would even give them money to buy a better drug than this.

Introducing I-dosing. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1296282/I-dosing-How-teenagers-getting-digitally-high-music-download-internet.html

The worst thing to happen to the buzz since a-holes started selling oregano back in the 90s and telling unsuspecting teens that it was marijuana.

If I walked in my kids room and he was "high" off of the Internet, I wouldn't ground him for being "high". I'd ground him for being a damn idiot.

Put down the headphones and the mousepad kids and go get yourself some Mike's hard lemonade! Respect the buzz and only then can you start to respect yourself.

Man loses license for drunk driving in a Barbie car

This just proves the age old adage: Just because you drive a diva-mobile, doesn't mean you're not a complete idiot.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/05/26/man-loses-license-for-drunk-driving-in-a-barbie-car/