August 29, 2014

Hit and Run and Cry

I've always heard of kids who hated their car seats and wondered if my child would be like that.  I mean, I wouldn't blame him.  They are basically strapped down in a hot box looking at what is essentially a blank canvas.
As luck would have it, Jack doesn't mind the car seat or stroller at all...until he does.  Then all hell breaks loose, we have a code red melt down, and I either have to carry him home in one arm pushing the stroller with the other, or I try to rationalize with a 5 month old from the driver's seat and assure him we are almost home and there is no need to cry.
Neither of those situations is working out very well for me.
So I have to learn to majorly prioritize my time with Jack in the car.  He has a threshold of about one errand per session in the car seat. 
Yesterday I made the mistake of going to Goodwill GCF to donate some clothes before going to the grocery store.
The second we made the drop he started screaming.  So now the poor people of Wilmington can get a great deal on the unused lingerie from my bachelorette party that I just found in my attic, but I can't have my daily dark chocolate square.  Oh the horror!
Yesterday I also tried in vain to take Jack on a power walk.  Usually he waits until I reach the farthest point of my walk to totally lose it, so that I have to haul ass back to my house looking like a negligent mother with a screaming baby roaming the streets.  Yesterday I tried a new tactic of weaving in and out of the 3 closest streets.  Sure I would look like a lost idiot, but at least I wouldn't end up miles away with the unhappiest baby of summer.
I may look laid back, but just wait for it...
I only made it about 10 minutes before I had to carry him home, but the real insult of my walk came from a gypsy looking stranger on a bike (with no helmet!) while Jack was still in the stroller crying.  She waited until she was like 30 yards away from me and then said, "Cover his face up!" and made a little motion to cover his face.
Thanks, but no thanks, you imperfect stranger.  His face was covered up!  He was crying because he's a baby!  It was my first Insult and Bike Away situation as a mother.  And hopefully the last?
I can't wait to see that unsafe helmetless gypsy again.  If she tries to give more unsolicited, incorrect parenting advice, she is going to have a mad, winded, mother running after her.  I have a strict rule about not engaging with crazy people, but this is just too inappropriate to let slide.
It's ok to stop a mom you don't know and tell her her baby is adorable.  But it's just not OK to drive another 30 seconds away and then insult her parenting skills. 

August 27, 2014

National Rosie Day

Even though I'm a day late, I have to give a shout out to my girl Ro Ro for National Dog Day.  What a great holiday!
Oh Rosie, how do I love thee.  Let me count the ways:
Even though you take up 80% of the bed, despite being just 10 lbs...
Even though you will only eat dog food if we hand feed it to you...
Even though you make it impossible to finish a load of laundry before you jump on top of it and make it your personal nest...
Even though you bark at every.thing.ever...(even at things that seemingly do not exist)...
Even though you cry like a little baby every time I leave the house, even if it's for 10 minutes...
Even though you somehow get every single blanket in the house all the time...
Even though you prefer other humans to dogs, because you are too good for your fellow K9's...
Even though you lick Jack's face, body, and blankets when I ask you not to, for want of his delicious spit up...
And even though you simply don't give a f*ck about most things that don't involve you or your nap...
I love you girl.  Thanks for being the best first dog a girl could ever ask for.  And the hottest piece of dog ass in my neighborhood.  You make even the most interested people melt with your cuteness and want to engage.  You have helped me meet so many neighbors and former strangers.
The only thing better than going to sleep with cuddly Rosie at night is waking up to smiling Jack in the morning.  Who only smiles all the more when he sees Rosie.
I've got a lot of cuteness in my life these days!

August 26, 2014

Sweat Pant Chic

The other day I actually thought to myself,  "I need to get nicer sweatpants."
I didn't think, "I need to lose a little more weight to get into cuter shorts."  Or, "I can't wait until fall to get into my skinny jeans."*
I just thought it would be great to have a more "chic" selection of leisure wear.  An oxymoron if there ever was one.
...Houston, we have a problem.
And I blame it all, not on pregnancy weight, but on the straight up ass fat weight that I gained the last 10, extra days of being pregnant in which I basically went on an eating tour of New Hanover and Brusnwick County with my parents as they tried to keep me a) entertained and b) from getting bed sores from sitting on the couch all day.
What's a girl to do?  I have no time or money to get a personal trainer.  And even though I try to eat healthy I clearly am not doing it right.
The only thing I know is that buying more desirable sweat pants is not the answer.  I am going to force my fat ass into my regular clothes until it gets so uncomfortable that I actually get motivated to make it fit for real.
Sadly, as my baby beings to roll over, laugh, and sit up, I think it's too late in the game to blame it on him. DAMNIT!  I hate not having a scapegoat.
Project Ass Whittle is in full effect...if you can call something "in full effect" without having an real plan or prospects. 
*I don't own skinny jeans.  I'm not a masochist.

August 19, 2014

Ethnic Foods

I like how instead of saying that I only like foods that involve lots of cheese, chips, carbs, specialty breads, or tomato sauce, I can just say, "I am really into ethnic foods."
Thanks ethnic foods!

August 18, 2014

Husband Alerts

Do you want to know a good indicator that you aren't feeding your husband enough food, or at least enough good food?
When an elder from the church comes over to discuss your child's baptism with you and your husband asks, "Are you sure we shouldn't put out an artisan breads or pastries?"
That mere question, coupled with his unprecedented use of the words "artisan breads" is a sure indicator that he's hungry and desperate for some non-freezer foods.
Do you want to know a good indicator that your husband is tired of siting on the couch with you watching the news and Jimmy Kimmel Live every night?
When he gets a text from an unknown number that says, "Do you want to have a beer in the street?" and he immediately responds "Yes", even though he literally has no idea who he is meeting in the street.
That is a good sign that it's time to step away from the remote and sweatpants and make yourself a little more exciting...Or to hope that the person he is meeting in the street isn't an ax murderer and then just enjoy your alone time!  Yep, that one sounds better.

August 15, 2014

Thoughts on Motherhood - 20 Weeks

1. Ever since becoming a parent I  cry every.single.night during the news.  What is the deal with that?
2. As a result of being pregnant and now spending a lot of time on the floor playing with Jack, I now have a real, bonafide hunchback.  Every time I try to strengthen my core by doing a sit-up so that I am not bent over, Rosie thinks I am playing a game and starts licking me.  So, I'm like a 30-something Quasimoto who is constantly covered in fuzz from the rug, dog hair from Rosie, and shame from my horrid new posture.
3. In related news, I'm conducting a one woman experiment to see how long it takes for a flabby stomach to go away without putting forth any real effort whatsoever...unless 5 sit-ups a week counts.  Which I'm quite sure it doesn't.
4. All of this time that I have been worried about how to get Jack to stop using a pacifier when he is older, I never realized that the day he stopped taking a pacifier would be one of the scariest days of my life.
5. When we started feeding Jack formula at night, he immediately started sleeping better.  A few days later when Jack wouldn't go to sleep for a nap, Grant said, "Maybe we should give him some formula."  I had to explain to him that it doesn't put him to sleep, it just helps him sleep at night because he isn't as hungry...But it's good to know that if we ever have to decide whether or not to sedate our baby, Grant is on board with no hesitation.
6. I have decided that as a new mom, until further notice, I reserve the right to drink a beer after 5:00 any day of the week, even if it's a random Tuesday.  Even if I'm by myself.  I survived another day with a 4 month old.  Therefore I deserve to drink.  Until my kid goes to college.  Simply put, it is very necessary.

August 12, 2014

Friend Like Me

Yesterday, while cooking dinner and, I'm sure, turning Grant on with my sweet moves, I was dancing around and singing every single word of "Friend Like Me". 
See, I finally found the perfect compromise between the Maria Carey Pandora station (for me) and the Raffi Pandora station (for Jack) --> The Disney Pandora station!  It is still child friendly but with enough ballads for me to sing along with to my poor audience of one who thankfully can't ask me to please stop singing yet.
I declared, "I think the greatest casting choice of our time was Robin Williams as the Genie.  Pure genius."
Cut to 15 minutes later - Grant walked in the door from the store and told me Robin Williams was dead.
So sad!  So weird!  I almost never talk about the casting decisions of animated movies.  
Mental illness is a sad, strange beast.  Who would have thought that someone so full of joy and life could be hiding such debilitating sadness to himself.
He will be missed for sure.  But never forgotten.  How could you ever forget a character with a name like Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire? 

August 11, 2014

Clouds and Stars Quick Zip Sheets

I have been meaning to write this post for the last four months.  Oops!
It is to tell you about the best invention in bedding since the pee proof sheet below actual linens.

The person at the gym who told be about these was so passionate about them that I went home and immediately bought a couple to have for Jack.  I have never looked back.
Truly a nursery "must have".  They make changing a crib sheet a cinch that takes only seconds to swap out. 
It's not as much of an issue now as it was back in the day when there were more pee accidents in the middle of the night, but it still is a pleasure to only have to devote seconds to changing Jack's sheets when I need to.  Which is usually now due to an influx of drool in our lives!
It might not be as cutesy or frou-frou as some bedding you could get from Pottery Barn Kids or Serena and Lilly.  But you definitely won't care in the middle of the night when you can give your baby fresh bedding without having to wrestle with a mattress when you are barely awake.
Even though I hate it when people don't get me the things I need from my registry, I might start doing that myself for people and getting them this bedding because it is just that good.  You'll thank me later.
In related baby product news, someone from the American Blanket Company sent me this helpful link to finding quality blankets and quilts.  Check it out: "Outdoor Blanket Guide".  Good tips to finding the perfect outdoor blanket so you can still enjoy outdoor activities with your little one without totally destroying naptime.

August 06, 2014

Bathroom Reading

There is a guy at my gym who brings with him, every single day that I see him there, tiny handwritten notes on half sheets of paper. 
He either A) reads the same note/short story every time or B) writes himself an excerpt of the news or a book every single day to day with him to the gym instead of bringing an actual book/magazine/Kindle. 
This could only be more economical than actually buying a book/magazine/Kindle if you place absolutely zero value you on your time.  That would take hours per week to prepare for each gym session.
It mystifies me on the regular but, more importantly, it reminds me of a girl I used to work with who used to take a book with her to the bathroom all the time and read.  Like a full, hard cover book.  To read for 30+ minutes at a time.  She would stick the book in the back of her pants and try to sneakily enter the bathroom without being noticed.
I guess it worked on everyone else.  But since we shared an office I would notice her take the book, stick it in her pants, disappear for half an hour, than see her motionless feet beneath the stall when I went in to confirm my suspicions.  Hell, I even heard her turn the pages when I was in there! 
I'm all for listening to Pandora while cruising the Internet at work sometimes, but this was quite simply a slap in the face to everyone else who was chained to their desks.
It ended up pissing me off so bad I told on her.  Which makes me a loser.  And her an idiot.  But mostly it just reminds me of the handwritten author at my gym now and angers me a little.

August 04, 2014

Doggy Swag

My uncle saw this dog while filling up his gas recently. 
I need to get some sunnies like this for Rosie.  Only I think her style is more like this. 
Grant would absolutely kill me.
I love fellow ridiculous dog owners :)

August 01, 2014

Thoughts on Motherhood - Week 18

1. I really have no idea how many weeks old my child is anymore, until I write these posts.  I have officially reentered the real world of months.  Hallelujah.  Don't you just hate parents who measure things in weeks when you don't have children and still use real things like months and years?  I did.
2. At the rate I'm losing hair I'm going to be bald by my October trip to NYC, thus dashing my dreams of getting an Ambush Makeover by Kathie Lee and Hoda on the 3rd hour of the today show.
Extreme sad face.
3. Recently my morning breath ricocheted off of my cup when I was drinking some water in the middle of the night.  As my eyes began to water from the lovely scent, I started to feel bad about all the middle of the night feedings Jack had in which he was subjected to this foul odor.  Then I started thinking about the days of getting no more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time and realized that life is pretty good right now. 
How is that for a convoluted way to be optimistic about something?
4.  I am an idiot.  One Sunday I wanted to sleep in so badly that I made a big sassy fuss about how I wake up all hours of the night during the weekdays, so the weekends were Grant's time to wake up early and often.  I was like the Joan of Arc of the weeks so by God I was going to sleep until 9am on Sunday!
Then when Monday rolled around I realized that I had no leg to stand on asking for help.  Ever.  No sleep on a Sunday is ever worth it during the week at 3am when you want to ask your husband to check on the baby but can't because you are a stubborn asshole.  I now know that.
* I have no idea what Joan of Arc actually did but I know she was brave!...and that she died.  So basically we are living parallel lives.
5.  Rolling over is the least rewarding trick ever.  It reminds me of the bowl my mom has for used K Cups next to her coffee maker.  The trash can is only 4 feet away.  Rolling over is the pointless K Cup bowl on the way to crawling.  Just get to the real thing.  It's no fun to have manually turn over a baby again and again who is now neither happy being beached on his stomach or being return to his starting position on his back.
6.  A baby's happiness in the morning upon seeing your face, each and every day, is both the cheapest thing to get and the most valuable thing to have.  It actually makes me excited about the mornings too!  Words that my pre-baby self never would have uttered unless there was a nice breakfast spread involved.
Not how he really sleeps, obvi