Public Feasting

Oh geez. I have a pit in my stomach.

Something so frightening that I never even thought to previously fear just happened to me.

I just heard these words from a coworker: "I saw you at K-38 on Saturday night. But we were tucked in the corner so you couldn't see me."

Gulp. K-38 is my favorite Mexican restaurant in the world. It's also in a conveniently inconvenient location to most people I know in Wilmington, so I never have to hold back on my chip consumption there.

I gruuuuubbed out on Saturday night while sitting at the bar with my husband. We were staying at my parents' house which has no food in it, so I was essentially storing up for winter a whole night without snacks. To think that someone was watching me publicly maul a basket of tortilla chips without restraint is just horrifying.

Especially because it was one of my most vigorous nights o' chips.

Now the mystery of why I am so curvy is debunked for that particular coworker. It's not just genetics. It's tortilla chips :(

Ice Cream Sundays - Peanut Butter Cup

This flavor is AGGRESSIVELY peanut buttery and chocolatey. In a good way.

But also in a way that made me feel out of control.

Check out this close up below: Those are monster chunks of peanut butter cups. And yes, they taste just like Reese's.

I knew I was going to love this flavor because I absolutely adore all things peanut butter. And when you add it to chocolate, adoration turns into obsession.

This was the richest flavor I've tried so far, by far. And, not surprisingly, the most fattening flavor out of the 15 that I've tasted. Sadly, that's the thing about peanut butter and chocolate :(

If all goes as planned with my life, I will never buy this flavor again. Not because it was bad. It was amazing. Just because it is so delicious that a small bite isn't enough. But it is so fattening that two bites is just going to ruin your caloric intake for the day. #fatpeopleproblems

If you are in the mood for a truly decadent delight, this is your man. But be warned: It comes with a high caloric price!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 15

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Cinnamon Buns

How to Survive a Hand Towel When Your Butt is Bath Towel Size

I showered at the gym today, in an attempt to complete most of my day-hates. And I took in 2 towels with me. One for my hair, and one for my body. But things didn't go as planned...

I accidentally grabbed two HAND towels instead of two BATH towels. And naturally I did not realize the error of my ways until after I was showered, naked, and surrounded by 3 other showerers in the stalls next to me.

A mad dash to the bath towel section was not an option. And even an attempt, I'm sure, would've ended in an XL White Lightening slipping on the shower floor and ending up in a un-toned ball of nudity on the floor (I would be the White Lightening in this situation).

So I did what any Girl Scout Gym Rat wet, naked fatty would do. I made a mini skirt out of one towel and a tube top out of the other. And I creeped to the dressing room as fast as my ample legs could carry me. Buuuut, before I got to the dressing room, I had an accident. No I did not pee in my handtowel mini-skirt. Instead I accidentally launched my watch INTO SOMEONE'S SHOWER. That they were in. Showering. Also naked.

I obviously had to ask the showering stranger if she could pass me my watch back. She obliges, picks up the watch, and opens the curtain to hand it to me, only to catch a glimpse of me - wearing an outfit made entirely of petite towels. To say she looked impressed would be an understatement, and a total lie. Hello embarrassment, it's been a while but I'm glad to know we can pick up right where we left.

The outcome of this whole incident could really go either way. Either I get really motivated to lose weight and get skinny so that the next time I end up with only hand towels I look good. Or I am just going to live in fear of ever seeing the girl who handed me my watch that I never exercise again. We shall see.

Either way, just to be safe, next time I'm bringing a towel from home!

Fattening DUH

Who here is upset about Paula Deen having Type II Diabetes and profiting from her announcement/partnership with a Diabetes medicine company?

Not me. Have you seen the woman cook? I was about as shocked to hear that she had Diabetes as I was when Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet (i.e., not at all).

I'm also not mad that she is making money off of her disease. Why would she stop now? She made money getting fat and unhealthy, so what's the difference? If you weren't mad at for adding 4 sticks of butter to everything she's ever made on her cooking show, then you can't be mad that she is getting sponsored to publicize her diabetes. It's the same thing. If you are mad about one and not the other, then you are in a state of denial.

It isn't really Paula Deen's responsibility to inform American viewers on how to not get Diabetes. If you don't already know that eating a burger in between two donuts is going to stop your heart and fatten your ass, then you have so very many serious problems. Child please!

On the flip side, if you model what you eat after a woman who now has a disease that she brought on herself, and is now going around admitting that she will not change the way she cooks or eats (which can make the disease go away, which you'd know if you ever seen the Biggest Loser), then you are just stupid.

Technically, all parties are stupid here. Paula for giving herself diabetes. The American public for blindly emulating her cooking style. And me for giving a shit.

I would never make a Paula Deen recipe. They gross me out, are excessively fattening, and can easily be substituted for recipes that won't make you die on the spot.

America, knowing that is half of the battle. Now step away from the mayonnaise!

*In other bittersweet Paula Deen news, check out this video of her getting hit in the head with a frozen ham. That's just good stuff.

Stop, Hammertime!

Reason #4,596 why I would never want to be famous/on Television. People can catch you like this:

I wasn't even trying to stop the TV on a funny moment, I just lucked out with this heinousness when I went to get more ice.

Man, I love me some Kim Zolciak!

Girl Gone Missing

Yesterday morning I woke up to one of the best emails I’ve ever received in my life. It was from my mom and the subject title was “You Go Girl”.

I got so excited to see what I had done to make my mom A) so proud, and B) actually type the words “You Go Girl”.

The body of the email was the following:

"Did either of you happen to pick up the pillow on the upstairs bed ?
Little, white with pink letters
You go girl!
It vanished and Mildred is worried!!!"

Allow me to explain why this is so insanely awesome.

First of all, about 15 years ago someone gave me a pillow that said “You Go Girl!” on it. I tried to get rid of it because, well, it says “You Go Girl!” on it. But my mom was having none of it. She basically rescued it from a life of Goodwill and landfills. Ever since then it has been perched prominently in my parents’ guest room.

That is, until 2012 when it disappeared! Dun, dun, duuuuuun!

Second of all, you have to know Mildred to fully understand the hilarity of this scenario. If you have ever come over to my parents house on one of the last 3,000 Thursdays or Fridays, you should have met Mildred. She has been in the employ of my parents for almost 3 decades as a housekeeper. Just trust me when I say, “That’s a whole lotta Milly!” She has the approximate intelluctual equivalent of a box of rocks, with a heart of gold…And no permanent teeth.

But what she lacks in brains she more than makes up for in drama. When my mom’s mom died last year, Mildred went out of her way to make it as dramatic as possible so that, while showing that she cared, she could also remind my mom as often and as aggressively as possible that her mom had passed away. She also has a 6th sense that allows her to anticipate which room you are about to use, and then immediately start vacuuming there so that you can’t finish your phone call or hear yourself think. Anyway, back to the drama at hand…

Recently, further tragedy struck: The “You Go Girl!” pillow went missing and she freaked, according to my mom.

Yesterday, once I finally stopped laughing, I called my mom and mentioned it might be in the closet or under the bed. And I was soooo relieved to finally receive the following email later in the day:

“Found her in the back of the closet. My bed is complete again…..and Mildred will be so happy!!”

Crisis averted! I’m going to try to get my mom to send me a picture of the pillow. But it’d probably be too awkward for her to get a picture of Mildred. And until then, the epicness of the story might only be fully appreciated by the inner circle. ‘Tis a crying shame.

It's not every day you have a pseudo-family emergency that involves a girl power pillow and the world's dumbest housekeeper.

*Edited to include picture of actual pillow in question. Thanks mom!

So Two-Faced

I just want to preface this post by saying that I believe, seek out, and am fascinated by medical mysteries. (Remember this post?) I've watched enough Mystery Diagnosis and ABC Medical Mysteries to know that it is not that unusual for someone in a less developed country to have a dead twin living in his or her stomach or for a young girl to have 10 limbs. That's just your run of the mill medical mystery awesomeness.

I do not, however, believe that this is true: http://www.omg-facts.com/view/Facts/44498

I don't disbelieve this because it seems medically impossibly to have a second face on the back of your head who is apparently an emotional rollercoaster. I disbelieve this because of the picture on the article.

If the chances of a person have a second face on the back of his or her head is 1 in a billion, then what are the chances of an American looking man growing the face of a grumpy, old Chinese face on the back of his head? A grumpy, old Chinese man with BANGS no less.

Too slim for me to believe! And I am still actively looking for the Loch Ness monster, so, there's that...

Ice Cream Sundays - Imagine Whirled Peace

Would you believe me if I told you this flavor is how this whole experiment got started? Well, that, a hankering for ice cream, and a mom with a brilliant, albeit fattening, idea.

This was one of the first flavors of Ben and Jerry's I ever tried when I lived in DC. I told my parents about it, because it was AMAZING, and they loved it so much they started serving it as dessert after dinner parties....Until Cinnamon Buns came along. They have switched over the streusel side.

This flavor is so wonderful it's hard to put in to words. The Sweet Cream factor of the ice cream is so pleasant and flavorful. The Toffee Cookie Pieces hit you like a mac-truck. If that mac-truck didn't hurt you physically at all and was filled with money that started raining down and you got to have it all. That kind of strictly positive, but totally epic impact.

My one complaint about Imagine Whirled Peace is the presence of Fudge Peace Signs. In a world of sweetness, softness, and chewiness, I just don't want hardness. And that is what the Fudge Peace Signs are to me. It's like if that money-raining, mac-truck had a few loose pieces of change in it. That just wouldn't feel good flying in your face.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 14

Pounds Gained - 0, we're back!

Favorite Flavor - Today it's Cinnamon Buns, Strawberry Cheesecake is being a distant memory

To be young

This makes me giggle for some reason. It really shows my personality, even today.

To clarify, when asked "If you could change any one thing about the way you look, what would it be? Why?"

My answer: "I wouldn't change anything because I like the way I am. I don't think I'm pretty or anything. I think that is sort of a bad question to ask."

First of all, if asked the same question today, I would probably have the same answer. I have always been confident in my person with no concrete confidence in my looks and a feminist with no feminist convictions.

I basically just said, I like myself but I'm not great. That's a bad question for no reason. Now leave me alone.

Essentially, I've always been neither here nor there. I'm not conceited, but I don't want to change. I'm offended by superficial questions like that, but I will do nothing to change the way society forces women to over-analyze their looks. Basically just a lazy, plain Jane who likes being plain.

Second of all, judging by this handwriting, I was at least passed 3rd grade (when I learned cursive) and before 9th grade (when I totally gave up on cursive). Who asks this kind of thing to middle schoolers? I still think this is a TERRIBLE question to ask a young person.

Teachers should be asking, "What do you love about your personality and intelligence and how can you use it to better the world?" Not, "What do you hate about your looks you not-yet-developed pre-teen?"

But, much like in the 90's when I wrote this, I not going to do a thing about it!

"One Day", One very, very sad day

Wow. This is a sad movie. Like, freakishly, aggressively, phenomenally sad.

I decided to watch this movie last night when I got home from work, thinking it would be a romantic comedy about two attractive lovers who keep missing each other but eventually live happily ever after.

Wrong. It's about two best friends who know each other for 20 years but are too stupid to have a real relationship and never even have on-camera sex. Don't you just hate that?

But I digress. I actually thought it was a great movie. I was really in to it the whole time. I just was NOT expecting the sadness that ensued.

I was crying so hard and so ugly that my husband came in at least every ten minutes to laugh at me. What is wrong with boys?!

I was sobbing so intensely that I couldn't even cook dinner. Grant ended up cooking it. (Pause for reaction). It was homemade burrito bowls.

Then I was so stuffed up from crying so hard that I couldn't even breath enough through my nose to eat dinner. It was highly attractive.

Grant declared that from now on Thursday nights are "British romantic tragedy" / "ethnic food" night in our household.

Hey, whatever it takes to get a guy to cook!

I really recommend this movie if you are not afraid to cry uncontrollably. However, do not!, I repeat, do not! see this on a date night or at the early stages of a relationship. This will ruin the perception that your manfriend has of you and will reveal your "cry face" way too early to recover.