September 29, 2014

This Just In...You're Fat

One of my greatest fears in life is being the bottom half of the person in TV segments about obesity and growing waist sizes. 
You know the ones I'm talking about.  When they start telling you about the correlation between expanding 2 waist sizes every 10 years and increased risk of getting cancer.  Or about sugar in drinks and snacks.  Then they show a myriad of fat headless bodies walking around various parts of the country.
I'm sure they don't tell these people that they are going to be the visual representation in a news segment on the metabolic demise of our country.  They probably don't have to since they never show faces.  So can you even imagine the horror you would feel if you were just sitting back, eating your Doritos, watching the evening news and all of a sudden you see YOUR body jiggling around a generic looking park scene warning the nation about the perils of being so fat that your stomach covers your no-no place?
I'd like to thing I'm at least 100 pounds away from being the poster child for fat induced cancer, but it is things like these that keep me going back to the gym.  Oh, and the complimentary child care.

September 26, 2014

Chicken Enchilada Stuffed Spaghetti Squash

I made this recipe last week with my friend during my same sex week at the beach and I highly recommend it!
It was delicious and beautiful and actually quite easy to put together with the help of an already cooked rotisserie chicken.
We each got a half of the spaghetti squash.  We laughed at first because we accidentally got the largest spaghetti squash possible and it looked like a feast.  But due to the light nature of the spaghetti squash itself, the fact that she is pregnant, and the fact that I am a professional eater, we managed to eat almost the entire half each.
You can also stuff this with lasagna ingredients and anything else you can assemble and stuff.  It wasn't just delicious.  It was a show stopper!

September 24, 2014

Sour Sweet Tooth

What in the world is wrong with people?
*I didn't have the courage to post a picture of vagina cookies so this is in lieu of that horrifying image.
I have so many questions about this entire situation and the radical feminist mother who brought in said Vagina Cookies. 
First, why is this even on Pinterest? 
Who is pinning this? 
What occasion calls for vagina cupcakes?
A lesbian party?  No, wait, that can't be.  I'm straight and I've never thrown a penis party.
Announcing that you are having a baby girl?  That can't be it either because that's ABSOLUTELY INSANE!
Second of all, I don't want to say this is a double standard, because hopefully this isn't a standard AT ALL.  But can you even imagine the uproar if a dad brought in penis pound cakes and told a teacher that he should be "proud of his penis"?  That dad would be carted off to pervert jail or put on a watch list faster than a second grader can learn Phonics. 
Thirdly, can someone please give the poor kid whose mom brought in vagina cookies a big hug.  And maybe a courtesy call to Child Protective Services?

September 23, 2014


I just saw this mind boggling ad while waiting at the Doctor's office.
First of all, what is the point of appointments?  If you want to see me at 4:22, tell me to be there at 4:22.  I promise I won't keep you waiting.  But if you tell me to come at 3:30, for the love of leaving my house almost never, don't make me wait an hour to see you!
Second of all, even teenage me who believed in thigh firming cream wouldn't believe in this BS.  The name of the product is enough to deter me - Fat Girl Slim - but the tagline is simply stupid.  That's not really even a play on words!  It's just one and a half real words.
This is why I don't buy health magazines.  Or hang out at doctors' offices unless absolutely forced to do so by an ungodly wait time.

September 17, 2014

Same Sex

Conservatives are wrong.  Same sex relationships aren't just OK, they are magnificent.
Ever since I had a baby, every time I would be up breastfeeding at all hours of the night and confined to my quarters during the day, I would think about my gay friend who has a baby with his partner.  Neither one of them could ever assume the other one was going to be the one staying up all night because neither one was breastfeeding. 
The lack of expectation that one person is mostly in charge sounded so liberating and fair.  Suddenly I found myself wanted to be a gay man every night between the hours of 11pm and 7am. 
I sort of forgot about this whole theory once Jack started sleeping a lot more, I started using formula, and Grant could help me all of the time.
Then I spent a week with one of my best friends and our babies, without our husbands.  We spent the whole week making solid plans for the day, preparing dinner while our babies were sleeping, and just generally being perfectly organized and supportive of one another.
Now I want to be a lesbian. 
It is so nice to be with someone whose interests and passions in life don't involve exclusively being away from other humans (i.e., fishing, kayaking hunting, etc.).  And to eat dinner with someone who doesn't require at least two sides with dinner.
I am, perhaps unfortunately, straight.  So this won't work for me in the long run.  But it has been so refreshing to spend a week with a woman. 

September 15, 2014

Grilled Tequila Garlic Lime Flank Steak

As many of you may know, I have been on the hunt for a decent Carne Asada recipe ever since I first fell in love with the Carne Asada at K38 in Wilmington.  I've tried at least half a dozen and nothing even comes close to my beloved K38.
Well I finally found a worthy recipe!  It doesn't taste just like the meat at K38, but it is so flavorful and easy to make that it will make you forget all about the restaurant version...especially if, like me, you longer able to go out to dinner.  So it's a win, win!
I only used the recipe for the meat.  I just did my own thing for all of the garnishes.  I have served it with sautéed peppers and onions, black beans, tortillas, salad, and other traditional fajita toppings.  It's good with anything.
The only modifications I have made as I continue to make it are to replace the 3 BULBS of garlic with just a heaping spoonful of pre-minced garlic in a jar.  I hate mincing garlic so I'll be damned if I am going to spend my time chopping 3 full heads of garlic.  I also have tried it with cheap dark tequila instead of the clear and I think it tasted just as good.
Get ready to squeeze a lot of limes and have some really good dinner soon.  I have made this 4 times in a month it is so good. 
Grilled Tequila Garlic Lime Flank Steak
  • 1 cup roughly chopped garlic (about 3 bulbs)
  • 3/4 cup freshly squeezed lime juice (about 8 large limes)
  • 1/2 cup clear tequila
  • 1/4 cup soy sauce
  • 1 bunch roughly chopped fresh cilantro, leaves and stems
  • 1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and diced
  • 1 serrano pepper, seeded and diced
  • 1 teaspoon cumin powder
  • 1 tablespoon freshly cracked black pepper
  • 1 1/2 to 2 pounds flank steak
  • 12 corn tortillas, wrapped in foil (I prefer flour)
Combine the garlic, lime juice, tequila, soy sauce, cilantro, peppers, cumin and black pepper in a resealable plastic gallon bag. Add the steak and let marinate in the refrigerator for 2 hours. Remove from the refrigerator, and let marinate at room temperature another 30 to 45 minutes.
Prepare a grill to medium-high heat. Remove the steak from the marinade, reserving the marinade. Put the marinade in small saucepot and bring to a boil. Then strain and reserve.
Put the tortillas on the corner of the grill and flip the package a few times to heat through while the steak is cooking
Place the steak on the grill. Cook for 4 minutes, turn 180 degrees, and cook for 3 minutes more (to create cross grill marks). Flip over and finish cooking for 3 to 5 minutes, depending on desired doneness. Remove from the grill to a cutting board and let rest, lightly covered, for 5 minutes.
Slice against the grain, and serve immediately with the reserved marinade, garnishes, tortillas and hot sauce.

September 09, 2014

Acupucture Gone Terribly Wrong

Yesterday I watched a woman named "Bobbie" on the Today Show talking about her journey to get pregnant.  She is now getting acupuncture and doing cupping, along side her 3rd round of IVF, in her attempt to get pregnant.
First of all, I applaud her willingness to be so open about her struggles to get pregnant.  I have never understood why people feel the need and society reinforces the drama of keeping such a struggle a secret.  If anything, that is the time in a woman's life in which she needs more support and love then ever.  Not to feel like a shunned, barren, outsider with a dark secret.
All I ever wanted to say when someone was blunt enough to ask me when I was going to start having kids was, "Well, Nosey McGee, how much time do you have?  I've been trying for a year!  Thanks for asking.  Please allow me to tell you the emotional details."
On a related note, I think it should be fair for all women of child bearing age to ask, in response to people who feel your reproductive status is their business, "Well since we are getting personal, how much money do you make?  And how much did you pay for your house?  And how many people have you slept with?"  If my business is their business, you best believe I want some personal information in return.
Back to my original point, I tried acupuncture when I was trying to get pregnant.  I also tried not eating gluten or dairy for like a day and that was wretched.  But I am finally ready to laugh about my absolutely, positively heinous acupuncture experience.  So here it is.
First of all, I had to wait for 40 minutes in the waiting room (which the doctor(?) blamed on her receptionist. LAME).  I hate waiting even more than I hate being late, which is A LOT!  And as I was for a large portion of this period of my life, I was just a general emotional disaster.  So add those factors to the 100 degree weather outside and my general nervousness about the procedure, and it was just a sweaty disaster waiting to happen.
Which is exactly what happened. 
Within the first minute I broke down sobbing when telling her my struggle, because somehow saying sad things out loud makes them that much more true, and sad.  Then she poked me with the needles which didn't hurt at all.  And then I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  With the exception of her checking on me about 10 minutes into the process, I concluded at the end that she left me waiting in the hot room with dozens of needles in my body for approximately an hour and 45 minutes. 
The only thing I was more than nervous that they had actually closed the practice and forgotten about me, was absolutely LIVID.  At one point I was screaming at the top of my lungs, "HELP ME!  SOMEONE HELP ME!" over and over.
You see, I couldn't just get up and leave because I had needles in my arms, hands, face, stomach, etc.  I didn't know what my movement options were without making myself bleed out.  Well at least that was my first thought.  After I while I was positively fuming and I just started taking the needles out.  I took a few out and then decided I still better wait on the tardy torturer.
She finally returned after over an hour apologizing for the wait.  I told her how extremely dissatisfied I was, that I had been screaming for help for 30 minutes with no response, and that I was going to be an hour late to a dinner with friends thanks to her.  She seemed not to care at all and still charged be $100 for my troubles.
I have a theory on being a provider of such services.  If you have to make people wait, which apparently you do because there is a wait at every doctor's office in the world seemingly, then don't pick the emotional, infertile disaster of a new patient to abandon for an hour and a half on her first session.  Maybe pick the old timer who actually already believes in your Eastern Medicine ways and take a risk with him or her.  Because now I will never, ever, ever go back!
I actually did end up getting pregnant shortly thereafter.  But I am hesitant to give any credit to acupuncture because if anything that experience was so traumatic that it set it back from high stress levels.

6th Sense: Baby Monitor

I now how have a 6th sense and it is called MONITOR.
 I love how the picture above makes the lights look like a rainbow, when in reality the 6 level alarm looks like the hand held version of parent terror.
I have that thing next to my bed every night and I swear I can hear when Jack so much as takes a deep exhale. 
It's a blessing and a curse.  I can always check on my boy.  But I also can't even begin to sleep unless he is 100% asleep, quiet, and still.  Which even when he is asleep isn't always the case!  He loves to shake that little hit back and forth and audibly suck his fingers while snoozing.
I bet the parents of yester year who used open phone lines to keep tabs on their kids while going to their neighbors house and who got to just lay their children in the back seat had a lot less stress when it came to being away from their children.
The only time I've truly slept through the night since Jack was born was the weekend that my in laws took his monitor AND his Pack N Play in their room.  It was truly magical.
This is kind of on par with the phantom screams I hear when I'm in the shower these days.  Even if Jack is fast sleep, when I get in the shower I can swear I hear him screaming.  Then I rush through my 2 minute shower, run dripping out to check the monitor, and he is still just asleep in the same position.
Mom problems.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

September 05, 2014

I Want to Go to There

This is literally my dream scenario.  Beach, sun, full body coverage.  And not because I'm terrified of getting skin cancer or wrinkles...if you catch my drift.
Killing it!

September 03, 2014

I'm Jealous of Mariah Carey's Dogs

Rosie would be SO jealous if she knew about this...
In related news, I'm extremely sad but not at all surprised that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are splitting up.  I always knew the only person that could truly appreciate her diva demands and lifestyle was ME!
Mariah, call me.  I'll help you out

September 01, 2014

Things that do not go together

You know what two sounds that I do not understand happening simultaneously?  The sound of a baby screaming and a husband snoring.
Guess what husband?  I do not believe that you are still asleep when our baby is screaming out cries of constipation and unhappiness.  For you to remain sleeping through this noise you either have to be dead or the poster child for why woman historically have been in charge of child rearing.
Let's call a spade a spade.*  This is my "job".  Your job starts in the morning.  So I will get up tonight and every other.  But don't sit there and pretend to be asleep while the fruit of your loins cries 15 feet away.  Neither of us are buying it!
*One time I heard someone deep in conversation say, "Let's call an Ace an Ace..."