January 31, 2014

Kelly Ripa is NOT my cup of coffee

If I learned one thing from IceAge2K14 it's that Kelly Ripa makes me not want to be a stay at home mom. 

Not because she inspires me to start my own company or be on TV.  But because she is so unbearably annoying that I don't think I can bare to actually be at home while she is on my TV at 11am.
She reminds me of Cheri O'Teri's character from Morning Latte, but without even being accidentally funny.  

 Kelly, eat a burger and go away.  You are simply too much.


January 29, 2014

Fat Girl in a Little Coat

People always tell me how lucky I am to not be heavily pregnant in the middle of the summer.  And they are right!

But you know what is not super awesome about being large and in charge in the winter?  Not being able to zip up any of your coats.  And I mean ZERO of them.


That makes for a permanently chilly and oh-so-large mid section.

 And it just goes to show that if you put your mind to it, you can always find something to complain about.

January 28, 2014

I Miss Mindy

You know what is kind of bad?  I think I might be more excited about April 1 (the return of the Mindy Project) than March 18 (my due date).

It's not that I'm a terrible person or not going to be a loving mom.  It's just that the Mindy Project is the best show ever to grace Television.  And it left us with one of the most epic cliff hangers in cinematic history.  If you're a girl and totally love romantic comedies!  If you're only into murder and mystery, this won't make you feel quite as strongly as it does me.
 Here's the thing:

On or around March 18 I'm either going to be pushing a baby out my hooha or, according to the rather douchey doctor I saw yesterday, having a c-section.  Jack is breeched and loving it so I might have to go the surgery route.  Whatevs.  As long as he's healthy, and all that feel good crap.


Also, I know with 100% certainty that on April 1, Mindy is going to make me giggle and giggle and maybe even pee my pants a little if what they say about having children is true.  It's likely to be more like a couple of weeks before Jack cracks his first smile and months before he makes his first intentional funny.  The odds for having me in stitches aren't in his favor.  Unless you count the literal type.  Then he's the front runner.
This is my first Tuesday of the Mindy Project winter sabbatical so perhaps I'm being a little dramatic as a result.  The good news is March + April will be filled with debuts of all kinds --> Mine as a mother, Jack's as a human, and Mindy and Danny as two people K-I-S-S-I-N-G in a tree!

January 24, 2014

Something is wrong with this picture

This is the 10 day forecast for Wilmington:

See those blue drops on Wednesday next to the 9 DEGREE LOW!?  

Those are my tears. 

January 23, 2014

Uninvited and A-OK with that

There are two majorly awesome things this year that I am actually really glad I am both financially and invitationally not allowed to go to and here's why:

1) The Super Bowl - Because my beloved Panthers won't be in it and because it will be freezing.  New Jersey in February?  No thank you very much.  I'll be sitting by the fire on my couch eating well-priced buffalo flavored snacks.  Maybe even an O'Douls if things get crazy.


2) The Sochi Olympics - There are a growing number of reasons why I don't want to go to this epic event.  Here are a few:
- Russia's anti-gay law = One word --> disgraceful
- Terrorist threats and Black Widows already on the scene = Not trying to die 
- See below.  The only thing I hate more than discrimination and terrorism is freezing my nads off:

I really do want to go to Russia so bad.  But not this year.  Not these Olympics.  It's too scary and cold for a little wimp like me.  Sometimes it's real nice not to be included.


January 22, 2014

Biggest Loser Transformation of the Decade

Who watched the Biggest Loser last night?!  It was MAKEOVER WEEK!  Only the best week of the whole entire season, every season.

 Luckily they got Tim Gunn to style the contestants, instead of Alison Sweeny's stylist, who constantly dresses her like a high price hooker with prom hair to match.


But the point of this post is to talk about David.  Who underwent what was arguably the most unrecognizable transformation in Biggest Loser history.  I mean I l'trally did not think it was the same person.  



Yes that is really him in the middle of all those girls!

You think you know what someone is hiding under a big gross beard.  But you might be wrong!  He might be hiding the poster face for Men's Warehouse!

And honorable mention goes to Marie.  She said before her haircut that her biggest fear with short hair was looking like a boy.  Hopefully she wasn't also scared of turning into a 54 year old actress named Emma Thompson.  Because that's exactly what happened.


I want a makeover.  Bad.  But I'm sure they'd just give me lighter hair and lots of layers that would look great for approximately 8 hours.  Then I would wake up the next day looking like a failed beauty pageant contestant with no earthly idea what to do with my new bangs.

So let me rephrase that.  I want a makeover, plus a glam squad and thousands of dollars to help me maintain that look.

January 21, 2014

I do not like

I do not like when people say, "That'd be just my luck..." and then follow it up with something bad that may happen.

Luck is not a real thing, people.  You'd be better off being honest with yourself and those around and say, "Woah is me!"  Or, "I'm going to preface this sentence by feeling sorry for myself..."


But luck isn't real.  It's just another way of saying you think you are more extraordinary than everyone else. 

For example, "It'd be just my luck that it rains all day tomorrow."

Fact: If it rains on you, it rains on everyone (i.e., not your luck) (i.e., the result of atmospheric pressure) (i.e., get over yourself).

January 20, 2014

No really, stop it

The unsolicited advice and comments you get when you start to look really, really pregnant are nothing short of amazing.


A few weeks ago I had a construction worker who I see everyday while walking my dog, who works on a house being built on my street ask me, "Are you about ready to drop that thing?"  I had to look all around me to make sure he was talking to me because:

1) He has never spoken to me before

2) Who says that in regards to the freaking miracle of life?

Last week I went to the dentist and while waiting for him to see me, the extremely chatty Dental Assistant started asking me questions about my baby's name, etc.  I told her I was going to name him Jack, to which she replied:

"I knew a Jack once.  From the gym.  He was really good looking...And really, really hairy!"

Ooooook?  What's the nice way to respond to that?  "Oh cool.  Well I really hope my son isn't exceptionally hairy!"


That's a tough one.  Responding to a stranger's verbal diarrhea is hard.  Especially when it involves your unborn child's potential body hair growth.  Even Emily Post can't prepare you for that shit.  

I also had a complete, and clearly insane, stranger come shake my hand in the parking lot at the grocery store to congratulate me on being pregnant.  Guess what?!  He was also born in March!  Guess what?!  I don't know you, stop shaking my hand and leave me alone crazy man!

Hey strangers - When it comes to talking to me about my obvious "situation", unlike my weight right now, less is more.

January 17, 2014

Food Trickery

Whoever comes up with the photographs on the wrappers and boxes of food deserves a big medal for trickery.  Recently I have purchased the following 3 items because the product looks so decadent and luscious on the box.  




And on the inside, they look like sad petite cardboard poops.  And they taste only slightly better but much more artificial, at least in the case of that cinnamon number.  And in the case of the Kashi bars they have all the texture but no flavor at all.  It's like your taste buds are playing an evil trick on your mind as it eats seemingly moist and scrumptious...nothingness.

I'm sure if the pictures were more honest these products would have a lot less consumers, but there would also be a lot less sad hungry pregnant woman internally weeping over their 3 inch granola bar...being left with no other choice but to eat 2 or 3...some with peanut butter on top...

I must be going through a growth spurt, things are getting highly caloric over here.


January 15, 2014

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - Insta Slim Just for Men

Sky Mall strikes again.  This time with "The Original Proven Slimming T-Shirts Just for Men".

I'm pretty sure it's a widely known fact that men should not wear tank tops.  Ever.  So you would think it would go without saying that under no circumstances should they wear what is basically the Spanx version of a tank top.

But apparently not.  According to Sky Mall "Millions Sold Worldwide".

Who wouldn't rather have a man with a little bit of belly fat over a man wearing a spandex tank top serving only the purpose of vanity?  Not me.

I like my men like I like my butter.  Real and full fat.

"Nothing to lose but your lumps, bumps, and bulges."  They forgot to mention all of your dignity and any chance at ever getting laid again once this garment is revealed.

Please note in this picture above that the man is wearing women's underwear.

Here's a revolutionary idea.  Eat less and exercise.  It cost less than buying shape wear from Sky Mall Magazine and you won't have to go about your day knowing that you are no better than any other insecure lady underneath your button up.

January 12, 2014

Ice Cream Sundays - Peanut Butter Fudge

It's official --> I am out of Ben and Jerry's flavors to try.  There is nothing available in Wilmington that I haven't already tried.

So I'm on to bigger and better, but mostly bigger things.  Namely, cartons.  

While I do love Ben and Jerry's, the price, size, and calories per unit pale in comparison to other brands out there.  

For instance, I just happened to find the best ice cream I've ever had at Target for less than $4.  And you get a lot.  And it's literally half the calories of Ben and Jerry's even though it's not "low fat" and is positively loaded with chocolate and peanut butter goodness.

I present to you:


The consistency is unbeatable.  You know how when you first open a container of ice cream it is sheer perfection from it's general virgin state and the fact that it has been thawing in the car for the 10 minute drive home?  Well this ice cream is always like that!  No need to heat it up in the microwave to loosen it up or jam your spoon with all your might into the rock hard carton.  It's just there for the taking, almost whipped, if you will.  It basically wants you to eat it.  Now.

And trust me, you will.

Sometimes I miss fun chunks in my ice cream if it doesn't have a lot of toppings.  This ice cream contains peanut butter chunk/swirls that are the best of all worlds: Surprise flavor pop, texture differentiation, no painful rock hard chunk to conquer.

This is it people.  The ice cream of 2014!  At least Q1 2014.  Or until I find something else to obsess over. 

January 10, 2014

Prenatal Yoga & the Art of Just Breathing

Last night I took my first official "Prenatal Yoga" class.  It was remarkable only in the sense that it was not exercise at all.  


Like, basically you just have to be able to breath to do it.

Like, I don't even need to wear a sports bra to the next class but I'm going to because regular bras now hit the upper part of my humongous stomach in such a way as to cause serious irritation so I relish all excuses to ditch the under wire.

It's official.  Pregnancy progression is inversely related to bringing sexy back.

The class was great though.  I highly recommend it if you are Pre, Natal, and want a calm hour to yourself.  It's at Heartsong Yoga on Oleander and it's offered as a 4 week program every month.
Despite it's calming nature, however, I could not stop giggling to myself thinking how great it would be, after the entire class introduces themselves, for the teacher to say, instead of "Who here has never done yoga before?"

"OK, Who here is a virgin?"


 You know...because everyone is busting at the maternity spandex with fetuses.

I'm totally going to use that in my next life as a new age prenatal yogi.

January 09, 2014

Well, Ok then

Do you want to know a sure fire way to end a conversation before it ever gets started?

Take a tip from the cleaning lady at my gym:

When someone says, "Hi, How are you?"

Answer like this:

"Blessed and highly favored."


That will end the conversation.  Right then and there.  Because if you are like me, you will have no earthly idea how in the hell to respond to that.

January 06, 2014

Copy Cat Verdes Enchiladas

I've been trying to eat more vegetables these days.  For myself, my health, my baby's health, etc.  But I'm also obsessed with Mexican food.  So what's a girl to do besides order Fajitas as much as possible and pretend the oil-sautéed onions and peppers are a "vegetable serving"? 
Recreate her favorite enchilada from her favorite Mexican restaurant, that's what!
This was my inspiration, stolen directly from the menu at K38:
Verdes Enchilada
Flour Tortilla, Grilled Chicken Breast, Spinach, Mushroom, Monterrey Jack, & Tomatillo Sauce ~ Salsa Fresca & Sour Cream
See that description?  By my count, that's two vegetables.  I'll take it!
Copycat Verdes Enchilada
I started off by cooking 4 chicken breast in a slow cooker with some enchilada seasoning and chicken broth, on low for about 4 hours.  I just love that pulled chicken texture, but grilled would be just as delicious.
- 4 cooked and shredded chicken breasts
- One block of shredded Monterrey Jack Cheese
- One package of sautéed baby bella mushrooms
- 5 Flour tortillas
- A bag of spinach, sautéed and wilted down
- Sour Cream
- 4.5 oz can of diced green chiles
This whole recipe was made delicious by the discovery of this salsa.  I have searched high and low and even attempted to make my own tomatillo salsa, and nothing has been even close to as delicious as this.  Buy some today if you love tomatillo salsa.  It is in a jar just like this, except it says Tomatillo Salsa.  My apologies, I couldn't find the right picture online.

Just assemble each tortilla in the following order:
- Monterrey Jack cheese
- Serving of wilted spinach
- Spoonful or two of mushrooms
- Enough chicken to cover tortilla
- Several spoonfuls of tomatillo salsa
- A spoonful of diced green chiles
Place all stuffed tortillas in baking dish, cover with some more cheese bake for 30 minutes at 350 degrees, top with more tomatillo salsa and some sour cream, and enjoy! 
(I put my sour cream in a plastic bag and cut the tip off so I could spread it out more evenly.  It kind of worked...still didn't look restaurant quality).
So there you have it.  Mexican deliciousness packed with tons of spinach, protein, and whatever health benefits mushrooms have.  All topped with the zesty tang of tomatillo salsa.  Ole!
Real talk - If you don't make this yourself, please at least order it at K38.  It is the best enchilada ever. 

January 02, 2014

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!  I hope it is shaping up to be a glorious year for you and yours.
This year my resolutions are:
1) To have a baby
2) To stop drinking diet drinks
#1 is pretty obvious.  If I somehow fail at this, I will be...dead.  So fingers crossed for success in this category.
#2 is inspired by the rude, intrusive gas station attendant in Benson, NC who told me on Monday that the Diet Dr. Pepper I was treating myself to was going to cause my baby's head to not fully develop.
Usually I don't take my medical advice from people who work at gas stations, but when I combine the fear that she instilled in me with the common knowledge that artificial sweeteners are bad for you, I decided to go for it.  No more diet drinks for me! 
In more fun resolution news, I also vow:
3) To gain at least 10 more pounds in the next 3 months
4) To start drinking again as soon as possible
Those are the most exciting things I've ever resolved to do.  And mark my words, I will do them!