December 30, 2009

Quote of the Day

"I'm sorry, I do not like this man. I do not like him in your house, I do not like him in your blouse....sorry I'm just really engrosed in this novel right now!"

December 29, 2009


With the New Year just around the corner, I'm sure we're all thinking about what resolutions we're going to make, and how rich and skinny and healthy and in love we are all going to be this time next year.

Well, if you don't suscribe to the book of definite failure, I might have found the answer for you.

This is sort of a "quit before you've even started, that way you definitely can't lose" mentality. I have to say, it's kind of refreshing.
The article doesn't go into examples of what these "smaller, realistic" goals might be. But I suggest such things as:

-Getting manicures and pedicures more often

-Getting people to drive you places when it's really cold outside

-Walking up the stairs instead of using the elevator because it's justifiable daily exercise(

-Going to more half-price wine nights during the week, because it's a really good deal

Some of these are obviously more beneficial than others, but you get the idea.


This is kind of old news, but I still think it deserves some attention here in the home of all things diva.

Personally, I am really allergic to cats so this won't apply to me. (So sad!) But if you are lucky enough to have one of these beautiful, playful, sweet little creatures, please go immediately spend $50 on a wig for your cat.

It might sound like a lot of money, but you really can't put a price on making your cat feel as follows:

Blue is edgy and electric. In this wig, Chicken sports some serrrrious attitude: she’s thinking saxophones, smoke and snapping fingers.

Blue gives your kitty a sharp look -- jazzy and totally copacetic.

Quote of the Day

"I don't know where you get your jewelry from but it tastes good"

December 23, 2009

Jazz Hands!!

This is another one of those videos I've been trying to find for years!

Finally, on the eve of Christmas Eve, I have located it.

I can't tell if this is a girly girl, or a girly guy. All I know is I am going to start pointing at myself with my thumbs a LOT more in 2010.

I really do admire the gusto in which this kid executes every move. Jazz hands everybody!!

The couple that dresses alike...

Here you have a classic of example of when one cheesy person finds there equally as cheesy mate, resulting in a giant ball of cheese exploding in your face.

Also, in this case you are lactose intolerant so it makes you violently ill.

Quote of the Day

"Some people were born to dance, you were born to drink"

December 22, 2009

Diva says WHAT?!?!

Seriously...what is this?

I do see that this is a performance from 1993, and I know that times have changed. But I don't ever remember this being a style of dance.

It's like Michael Flatley teamed up with a street performing clown, then gave birth to a drunk bull-riding sorority girl with a gun festish. I sincerely hope she won.

Kudos to you Tanya Mullins for never forgetting to blow off the gun powder before returning your guns to their holster.

Pow Pow!!

Christmas gift idea

If you're still hunting around for those last few Christmas gifts, I've got a great idea for you!
The Cap Sac! A fanny pack for your head!
I personally recommend the neon green color. It really makes the eyes pop!

How would you liked that diaper cooked?

meat diaper n. the absorbent pad packaged between a (styrofoam) tray and meat for sale.

If could UNinvent anything in the world, it would be the meat diaper.

Arguably the world's grossest diaper, the meat diaper absorbs the juices in a piece of meat while it is packaged. I am not suggesting that this step is unncessary, but I am suggesting that having any sort of diaper near your food products is not ideal.

What ever happened to paper towels? I hear Bounty is super absorbent. Why not try that?

I hereby call for a ban on the meat diaper. Let's potty train those filets and get rid of the meat diaper! It looks gross, it feels gross, and it's a diaper for your meat!

Shout out to my dawg Velcro!

Today I want to give a little shout out to Velcro. After decades of housing people's feet and attaching one thing to another, Velcro can add another accolade to its impressive list of accomplishments - LIFE SAVING DEVICE

I have an acquaintance in South America who, as the result of a recent name change, now goes by Jesús. Jesús was recently robbed in Lima, Peru. He was not assaulted with a weapon, but apparently his 4 assailants did raise their voices at him and say mean things! Pobre Jesús!

He did have to part ways with his digital camera, which really really sucks, but thankfully he kept his wallet. How does one keep his wallet when his pockets are literally picked through by thugs?
The magic of VELCRO!! Keeping his wallet perfectly hidden with no zipper to tell of, the unsuspecting robbers missed out on stealing one of the greatest identities of all time.

I had a related incident happen to me once, in which the idiot street thug "robbed" me but never thought to look in my pocket for my wallet (which incidentally had about $80 in cash and an ATM card in it). Instead, this monster got away with ten $1 bills and a useless credit card from my friend's purse.

Folks, there is a reason these people are robbers and not rocket scientists. If you can be fooled by something as amazingly simple as Velcro, you don't deserve someone else's stuff.

Either way, Velcro isn't just for your granddad's shoes anymore. That stuff will save your life.

Quote of the Day

"Husbands come and go but the Chanel slingback is forever"

December 21, 2009

December 18, 2009

Quote of the Day

"I feel kind of dirty, in a good way"

Aw Hell Naw

You know what's not diva? Broke @$$ heaters that cut off all the time.

When I woke up this morning, circa 7am, I was already super jazzed that it was Friday and not Saturday, because I just hate to sleep in.

What's more, I realized, I was in a virtual icebox. The bone chilling cold let me know that, yes, the crap@$$ heater had cut off in the middle of the night. Yipee! What a refreshing way to start the day.

I can't give you an exact temperature, because the needle on my thermostat only goes as low as 50 degrees, but it was below that.

My favorite part of the morning? When I got to go see my friends rat and black widow in the basement to reset the heater. The cobwebs also gave a nice "accent" to my dark pants.

So here I am, with some dirty blond hair-cicles, praying that I will reach a healthy core body temperature by 9-ish. Poor pitiful me!

Thank GOODNESS that it's Friday!!!

December 17, 2009

Are you freaking kidding me

It's no secret that Octomom is a ridiculous perversion of all things that people hate about Americans and vile humans. But even so, this stings a little.

Why take your babies and your bottle out to get the recycling? You can't say it's because you didn't want to leave them alone, because we all know you got about 25 other kids inside.

Also, look at the pictures on the article below. She appears to rotate through 3 different kids, ultimately losing two of them. Any diva knows that in the time it takes to lose 2 kids and get the recycling, your face mask would've over dried, resulting in a dry T-zone.

You want attention. That much is clear. I just wish there was a way you could do it that didn't exist in my universe.

Photo and other pointless information about Octomum courtesy of

Quote of the Day

"Do I need to take the uppers down a notch, or do I actually care about noodles?"

December 16, 2009

Butterfly Masacre

I think Mariah should rename her tour the "Dreamkiller Tour", because that was it is so far.
Seriously, check out the prices for these tickets. Who do you think you are? The Queen of Soul bitch? Because that's Aretha Franklin, and that's a whole nother story.

I would like to formally announce that DSW (that's the very popular abbreviation for will be taking an exciting new direction in the future…AGAINST Mariah Carey.

My sister and I might get back the breaths we lost trying to sing along to Mariah, but we can never get back the dreams that we wasted on loving her, and the $24.99 that nannybfly had to spend to join the Honey B Fly fan club.

R.I.P. Mariah. You are dead to me. You won't be killing my dreams anymore.

P.S. I have been to the place where her DC venue is, and there is no way in the world you could create any sort of precious-metal package to be worth a minimum of $273.50.

98 year old kills 100 year old roommate

I thought old people were supposed to be sweet and suck on hard candies.

Suddenly, now I see why grandparents are so resistent to move to nursing homes.

This is just not right!

Not cool...or warm

I keep seeing a lot of people wearing flip flops around town and campus, even though it is a mere 5 days away from the Winter Solstice.

What gives? Are people trying to prove how tough they are?

There was a guy in my high school who didn't wear shoes at all for about 3 years I think. Presumably for no reason at all.

Unless you also live in a tee pee and make your own fires, you're not nomadic and you're not proving anything. Except for maybe that you like the attention you get when you get a really bad cold, or pneumonia.

Now put some dang shoes on!

Quote of the Day

"Contructive criticism - OK it's in, I'm assessing it, I'm not hearing it, it's gone."

December 15, 2009

Stupid Lyrics

"Let It Go"
(feat. Missy Elliott, Lil Kim)

He asked how I do that dat
Fit my jeans over baby fat

I hate to be the one to tell you Missy, but your man, well, he's really rude.

If someone asked me how I fit my jeans over my "baby fat" I would slap them upside the head soooo hard.
Also, Missy, you're 38 years old. It's not baby fat anymore sweety. That's we grown ups call too-many-french-fries-syndrome. It's real and it's scary.

Quote of the Day

"I'm ashamed of you. And not just because you look like an audience member from The Price Is Right. "

December 14, 2009

Stupid Lyrics to Songs I Like

"I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair. Sew on patches to all you tear"

I get that this is intended to be sweet, but it just ends up being T.M.I.

If you already know that your lover is going to go bald, you might as well start saving up for hair plugs, because I don't even think Rogaine works.

Also, if baldy also has some sort of strange clothes tearing compulsion, you might want to rethink this relationship altogether. Just something to think about!

Photo courtesy of

Quote of the Day

"Insert laugh... here."

Say it ain't so

Like most normal Americans, I am obsessed with Jersey Shore.

So, you can imagine my anticipation about seeing this:

I, like most people, have been waiting for over a week to see this spray-tanned raccoon get horrifyingly hit by a man!

But I have bad news:

This is redic if you ask me. To pull this clip because of the message it conveys is to imply that anyone in their right mind would actually emulate these a$$ clowns. I can only hope that this would never happen.

Photo courtesy of

December 13, 2009

I dreamed a dream

And it freaking came true!!

That's right ladies and gents. Mamacita and Sistercita are going to see the one and only Mariah Carey this January, in concert, in the nation's capitol.

Sure, it will probably cost an arm and a leg.

Sure, my sister had to pay $25 to join the Mariah Carey fan club just to be eligible to buy tickets.

Sure, I may not be able to go on a honeymoon because I spent a mid week vacay in order to see this $hit.

But, surely, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Let's be honest. Homegirl can't sing forever. And she surely can't fit into those lycra/poly blends for more than another year or so.

So it's on like donkey kong divas. This is happening. Stay tuned for more deets. I may actually have to upgrade phones to document this charade, because I'm sure the diva herself doesn't allow flash photography.


Photo courtesy of

This is just good times

Photo courtesy of

Clustr This

As you can see by my clustrmap, it looks like America's got a case of divasayswhat leprosy! Look at this dotted freakshow!!

Thanks to all my readers for checking in for an average of 30 seconds and for never, ever leaving comments!

You are truly what keeps me blogging and curious, as I have no idea who actually reads this mess.

Pat yourself on the back, unless you are one single person who has read my blog over 4,000 times. In that case, call me. We should grab a drink and have a little chat.
P.S. Seriously start leaving comments. I need positive reinforcement or I will punish you by not blogging anymore! :-O

Just do it

If I wasn't totally trying to hide my identity, I would share with you the masterpiece that is my new profile pic (think bleach blonde hair, white lips, red lip liner, and neon green eyeshadow).

However, I value my privacy. Aaaand, my nose looks real funky.

All you need to know is that it's awesome. And you need a close up pic of yourself with your hair back.

I repeat, just do it. T'will provide you with endless entertainment.

Shout out to Molls*** for referring the site. As always, all identities are kept secret and sacred.

Chaperone please!

Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely love being told what to do.

That being said, I really wish I had a marriage like the gals on Real Housewives of Orange County. I think every woman should have a husband who doesn't allow her to travel alone.

Seriously, who knows what kind of dangerous things that sort of freedom could lead to. Book reading? Heaven forbid, even a free-wielding exchange of ideas.
Personally, I'm not allowed to watch Man vs Food by myself. But me watching shows about food presents a whole different set of dangers.

Also, I love their version of mother - daughter bonding. Forget the mani/pedi sessions of yester-year. These days, nothing solidifies that maternal bond like a tandem nose job/face/brow lift. Love you mom!

Photo courtesy of

Automotive Jealousy

My sister got her oil changed yesterday at her car dealership. Sure, that doesn't sound like anything special, but WAIT!

They offered FREE MANICURES while you waited!!!

That is just the most awesome thing I've ever heard. I had to share.

If you own a car dealership, you should offer this immediately. Only you can put the fun back in getting your oil changed.
Photo courtesy of

Diva tip line

This just in from one of my informants. It's kind of hard to see but this hot mess is wearing a very tall feather on her pseudo-beret.

Everything is better with a feather. This is such extreme diva-ness I almost don't know what to say.

I would love to have seen her train of thought putting this number together..."Let's see, I got my jacket, my red skirt, my tights and shoes, and obvi my oversized plastic I forgetting anything?...Oh $h*t!!! I almost forgot my feather!!"

Regardless, her swagger + her top hat feather make her the real-life Diva of December. Get it girl!!!

December 10, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Rule #1: Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips"

December 09, 2009

Things that aren't cool

Bottomless bags.

I just got bored for a minute, so naturally I went to get some bulk candy from the local market by my office. (Also the home of the Subway angels that I have frequently referred to).

Apparently I was leaning to the side while filling up on the Delicious Debris, as it is called. Because the second I straightened up, said Debris fell to the ground. There was no bottom to the bag!!

Luckily the cashier didn't charge me for the spillage. It just cost $0.54 for the second round, and all my pride for the first.

I'm already a pretty easily embarassed person, so this was just too much. I can't ever show my face there again. I think now, finally, I have good reason to not eat out of shear boredom. And that's nothing to sneeze at.

Back to the Future

If you're anything like me, then you don't have a Blackberry or iPhone or Droid, etc. And maybe your phone is taped together a little bit with a cracked screen and no back to it.

If so, you're probably feeling a little left out of the world of instant emails and pointless "apps". Boy have I got the solution for you!

It won't provide you with email access, or any information at all, really. And it definitely won't play music. But it will help you look like you fit in a little more on the bus, bathroom line, etc.

I personally play Yahtzee on a daily basis and it is truly fun. Furthermore, it creates a sense of intrigue and jealousy in those around you, wondering about this key to the future that you hold in your hands.

When I was in Argentina one summer, I didn't fit in very well. Part of me thinks this is because I had blond hair and was over 5 feet tall. But the other, more conceited part of me, thinks it was because everyone was intimidated by my handheld Yahtzee. People would look at me on the bus like I was holding the electronic cure to cancer. It really gave me a sense of empowerment, and that I was better than everyone else.

Bonus feature** The battery lasts forever. I haven't had to replace mine since that fateful summer in Argentina, and that was in 2004!! Que interesante, no!?!

Quote of the Day

"I like Filipinos; they're Asian, but not cocky about it."

December 08, 2009

Beautiful Devastation

Truth: The Biggest Loser will make you cry every, single, solitary episode.

Surprise awesome: Antoine, who is a UNC alumnus to boot, got jacked, AND proposed to his fellow contest/girlfriend on the live finale!!! I did NOT see that coming. Tears!!

Guess: Danny, who has lost 239 pounds, probably lost his most important pound by shaving his soul patch. Btw, he is the cutest contestant ever and I am so happy for him!!!!

Beautiful devastation: I needed 4 boxes of tissues for this finale. 1 of which was for sad tears. 3 of which were for happy tears. This is a beautifully devastating ratio.

Go danny, go danny go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photo courtesy of

Wow, this just keeps getting better

Dramz! I wonder which of his fair maidens is being carted off on the stretcher.

Tiger woods is a first class idiot.
First, let's consider the caliber of the girls he cheated with. Yes, some of them may make sense for obvious reasons (brains, duh!), but check out homegirl at the top right corner on the photo spread above.
Not cool bro.

Guys who wear man tanks shouldn't throw stones, and they definitely shouldn't cheat on their hot super model Swedish wives.

Quote of the Day

"Yeah, well now my drink is talking! It's saying, 'Drink me! I make life more fun'"

December 07, 2009

Surprise unhappy

...when your conservative sweater somehow creeps up to tummy tee status, revealing your less than 6-pack abs at work...and you're not the first person to notice...

Surprise happies

...when your hair looks decent even though you put no effort into your looks whatsoever today...

Hard Work Does Pay Off

I've literally been looking for this video for over 2 years, since I originally saw it, watched it 50 times, and lost it on youtube.

I finally found it today by googling "Celine Dion who let Celine out". You'll see why when you watch the (best) video (ever).

Please excuse the bad word at the very beginning of the video. Everything that follows is pure G-rated bliss. And it's all based on scientific fact.

I will never, ever lose this video again. And, seriously, who did let Celine out??!!

Quote of the Day

"You know what else is incredibly sad? Poor people with big dreams. Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny!"

December 04, 2009

I'm not going to ruin this picture with words

I don't have a brain anymore...

Because it blew up last night when I was watching Jersey Shore on MTV.

This surprise two-part premiere surpassed even my wildest dreams, with the 45-year-old "situation" getting a hand-hold on the very first night. Steamy!!!

I'm not even going to attempt to comment furthur on what I believe to be the most important show to air in the new millenium. You truly have to see this yourself to believe it.

Lucky for you, MTV has a rerun fetish so you should be able to tune in every other hour any day of the week.

Consider this your homework assignment. There will be an (STD) test at the end of the week.

Quote of the Day

"Fact: D-Day stands for Dance Day!"

December 03, 2009

Sungha Jung is not my lover

Image courtesy of

Watch him slay a plethora of classics on all of these youtube videos.

The best part are the expressive emotions that his face conveys. My man is deep!

This is a head scratcher

Photo courtesy of

This invention seems to imply to me that actually drinking vodka is hard. Which it's not.

Furthermore, in what world would you need vodka so badly that, unable to actually drink it, you have to consume it by any means necessary, (i.e., taking a vodka pill).

Is there an illness that is cured by vodka consumption that I am unaware of? If so, I nominate that illness to be named Luckybastard Syndrome.

Tyra Banks is the Devil

Picture courtesy of

Only Tyra could make the gang from Sesame Street seem un-American.

In this picture, Elmo is supposed to be checking Tyra's head for weave tracks. Read that again. Elmo. Checking for weave tracks.

Some things are sacred Tyra. Respect the Street.

Quote of the Day

"Oh Look! Better People!"

December 02, 2009

Mmmm, tastes like failure

I was just jonzing for some clear Pepsi and thought I'd remind yall of this blast from the past.

It really makes you wonder though...did they take someone natural out to make it clear? Or do they put something unnatural in to make it brown!?!?

Either way, me thinks it's probably bad for you.