November 02, 2015

Alcohol 3.0

I have decided that in direct parallel to the 3 traditional trimesters of pregnancy, there are 3 phases of mentality towards drinking.

In the first stage/trimester, you are so excited that you're pregnant and so intent on keeping it a secret that you make it your personal mission to look nonchalant while drinking an O'Douls from a frosted glass or pretending to drink a glass of wine at a wedding while your husband actually drinks it and begins his own personal pregnancy journey of drinking for 2.
Sure, it's a little hard to go cold turkey but you have much bigger things to think about so it's not that big of a deal.

In the second phase of not drinking/2nd trimester, you are starting to show, still feeling pretty ill and tired, and have developed some sort of bodily 6th sense that tells you to hate the smell and taste of alcohol.  You actually start thinking about giving up alcohol altogether because watching people get drunk is pretty unattractive and you love waking up feeling refreshed and clear headed.  This is known as the easy, holier than thou phase.
Then comes the 3rd phase/trimester.  You can no longer remember a social function in which you were actually drinking.  Your body's ability to ward off all desires of alcohol has vanished along with your waste line.  You hate all drunk and think they all have serious drinking problems.  And you want go into hibernation until a time in which you can come out and pop some mother f*cking bottles. Not a sip.  Not some bullshit 3 ounce pour that the Today show swears is good for your heart.  You want bottles and bottles of alcohol.  Actually, you want one of those cascading champagne fountains that you see at parties in Vegas on Keeping Up With the Kardashians.  But you want it only for you.  Sorry Scott Disick.  Get your own damn bottle service.  Mama needs her bubbles!
I am currently in the trenches of Phase 3 and it is getting rough.  However, I am beyond excited to only have 2 months left and to be able bid adieu to all my restrictions soon.  But the next few holiday months will likely involve a lot of alcohol spectator sports for me and I'm not sure I'm emotionally prepared to handle it.

It's funny because last time I was pregnant I was the last of all my friends to get pregnant and deliver.  This time I'm the leader of the pack and some of my friends aren't even  pregnant with their second yet.  So after all this time I've been watching everyone drink their luscious glasses of red wine this Fall while I lurk around looking like this:
Just wait for summer ladies.  This is going to be me while everyone else is still just hiding their little Zygote secret:
But really I will have a 2 year old and an infant so I'll probably look just like I have the last 2 summers:

Either way you best believe there will be a drank in my hand on the beach!