November 05, 2018

Daylight Savings/Need Saving

Source

I'll be the first to say it out loud - It's hard to like your kids this time of year. What with the time change, early morning wake ups, lack of sunlight after 5pm, and continuing whining about wanting to eat Halloween candy.  I said it on Facebook a few years ago, but it bares repeating: Daylight Savings is when you gain an hour but lose the will to live.

I can't believe it's going to be 80 degrees tomorrow.  I love Fall and was SO excited about packing my spider veins away for the winter.  Now I have figure out how to dress again for the rest of the week.  I struggle with clothes for warm weather.

Speaking of clothes, everyone really seemed to like my jazz boot story in my last post.  It was not an isolated event.  I remember another time at my last job when I thought I looked smart in my navy trousers and white short sleeved button up.  It was around lunchtime when I caught a glance in then bathroom mirror and realized I looked like a Cuban senior citizen wearing an authentic guayabera.

Also, I had at least a 4 year period of my 20’s in which I unknowingly dressed as a man.  I had a collection of thick J Crew chinos in every color, especially dark khaki, and I paired them with men’s polo shirts.  In a size men’s small, of course, because I have always been petite.  I wish I had a picture to share but it was just before the dawn of digital photos.  Maybe that was for the best.


I have a very specific memory of wearing my chinos in Chicago one summer.  Did you know the Windy City isn't always windy?  I literally did not.  I went in the height of summer, armed with my bevy of chinos and polos.  I thought it was always cold there.  Until I sweated through my pants at Wrigley Field and got such a bad sunburn on my forearms that I had to cover them with brochures on a boat tour the next day.  I went to Walgreens after the boat tour and tried to buy sunscreen SPF 90.  A sympathetic black lady at the counter said, "You know they make that in 100."  Naturally I went back to the sunscreen aisle to get the max protection for my alabaster skin.

Why can’t there just be 5 pairs of shoes for sale that all look good?  Every time I am determined to upgrade my 5 pair collection of sexually ambiguous loafers, I get overwhelmed by the 470,000 shoe options on the Zappos or Nordstrom website, and I end up just quitting and taking a nap.  I did go out on a limb earlier this summer and get some fashionable wedges with a high heel and super chic fabric and color.  And then I realized if I walk more than 0.5 mph in them, I will instantly collapse.

Most of the time my house is so messy it looks like I’m in the middle of a move.  How do kids do it?  I know it's considered ideal to have a house where you can see the floor, but it's so hard not to give up sometimes.  The only time my house is truly clean is for about a half hour when the housekeepers come every other week.  Then the kids show up and it's back to Sanford and Son status.

Remember when they used to not let you bring cuticle clippers on planes after 9/11?  That was a tough time.  I’ve always been a nervous flyer but during that period my fear of crashing was equally matched by my fear of getting a hang skin and not being able to nip it with a clean cut.  Thank goodness now they just don’t let you bring water in from the outside.  I would much rather be dehydrated than have unruly cuticles.

That's my thought dump of the month.  If anyone has any ground breaking indoor activities for these long dark afternoons, holler at your girl.  Or just come over and have some wine with me and make our kids entertain each other.

October 02, 2018

Proof of Life

Since I am taking a medical/hurricane leave of absence from my illegal catering company, I decided I need to force myself back on to society and give the old blog some love.


What in the fresh hell is the deal with face tattoos these days? All the kids are listening to this guy, Post Malone.  Scary, isn’t it!  I actually looked up all his google images to see the progression of his face art and my heart broke for his mother each time a new tattoo appeared. Can you even imagine?!  Nothing would bring me greater sadness than my son walking through the door with the words “Always Sleepy” permanently inked below his eyes. I mean, I get it.  I literally am always tired. But I can just tell you that straight up verbally with no tattoo needed.  One time my sister died her hair purple with Kool-Aid and you would have thought she had sold her body for drugs my mom was so crushed.  Poor Mrs. Malone.

If you’re like me, you probably have no idea who Post Malone is.  I don’t even know how I know who he is.  Grant was recently so disappointed in me because I didn’t know who anyone was who was performing at Coachella this year.  I used to be pretty up to speed on the hot current artists and go to lots of concerts.  Now I only listen to Fifth Harmony on Pandora when I exercise and Barney on road trips.  I am about as basic as they come these days.
Image result for cyclebar



I was on a bachelorette party in Nashville last month and we signed up for a spin class.  I was a little hungover but ready to sweat out my headache.  Then they turned all the damn lights off and started bumping A$AP Rocky and other such rap artists I have never heard of.  Even though I felt like I was going to have a panic attack because I was locked into my pedals and spinning in complete darkness, it made me giggle to envision the 46 all white women bachelorette attendees (different parties) getting their exercise to the soothing sounds of really hardcore racial rap music that we have no business trying to sing along to. 

I have a tip for you.  If you ever want to feel like a total asshole, get a facial after a natural disaster.  I went to see my regular person last week and you can only imagine what a jerk I felt like while she told me about her brother’s house that was completely underwater, as she jade rolled my adult acne.

I wonder if I don’t blog anymore because I might be running out of things to complain about?!  My kids sleep through the night, I am done with cribs and morning naps, and Katie only has accidents 3 times a day and always on upholstery.  It’s funny that my kids like to dress up in my clothes.  I guess because I am old and have the wonderful responsibility of holding keys and driving and all that luscious stuff I used to covet as a kid, that they think I’m cool.  Little do they know I am the world’s worst dresser.  


Did I ever tell you about the time that I unknowingly wore jazz shoes to the first day of my first ever real job?  I also paired them with tapered, pin striped pants and I really think I thought I looked chic and professional.  I am not exaggerating when I saw that my sister’s jaw literally dropped when she saw me after work that day.  It was a visual crime against humanity.  I need a stylist. Did I also ever tell you that my first real job was at the DC headquarters of 1-800-PackRat...and that I answered the phone 100 times a day saying, "1-800-PackRat, this is Marilyn.  How can I help you?"  My parents were so proud.

So…that’s what’s new with me these days.  Power has been restored.  Internet works about an hour every day.  Sanity and emotional stability are still in question but everyone is powering through and trying to help those affected by the hurricane.  We are definitely lucky compared to many in surrounding areas.  I hope everyone is well!

Until next time…