February 25, 2016

Baby Daddy Gold

Anyone who has been reading my blog since the beginning might remember a few posts I did about the mind blowingly amazing observations that my husband Grant made about my outfits.
Well, he's back.  And it's still unintentionally hilarious, but this time about babies.  Here is a list of a few gems I've heard in the last 6 weeks of Katie's life:
1) I asked him a few weeks back to do a little tummy time with Katie while I fed Jack dinner at my parents' house.  His response was, "I really don't feel like taking my shirt off right now in front of everyone."
Apparently Grant thinks that tummy time is the same thing as skin to skin contact.  But the fact that he didn't even give it an outright NO at the time is commendable.
2) When Jack was little he slept in a Rock N' Play for one week and then I started putting him in the crib, never really rocking him, he always went straight to sleep, and I never looked back.  I kept telling Grant how nervous I was that Katie doesn't like the crib at all and I can't just throw her in there and make her sleep for a few hours.
To which he told me, "Marilyn, she's not a crock pot!"
I am still trying to make her a crock pot.  But it's not happening.
3) One of my sweet friends who also had a baby recently sent me some delicious lactation cookies which were actually extremely delicious.  Grant, AKA the Cookie Monster, couldn't resist them and started eating a few.  When I told him they were lactation cookies he freaked out, "Am I going to start leaking milk out of my nipples!?"
This reminded me of a friend in college who read on her birth control that "stopping this medicine may cause pregnancy" and thought that meant that she would experience immaculate conception just from not taking the medicine.
4) Someone dropped some bows off at our door from the church a few weeks back.  I showed them to Grant and said they were cute.  He asked me, "What are these?"  He literally didn't know what a bow was.  A true child of 4 boys.  I can't wait until the first time Katie paints his nails over a cup of pretend tea.
I have an amazing picture somewhere of my dad wearing lots of clips in his hair.  Which he agreed too only for a back rub when I was younger.  Although I'm sure he would still go for that deal now.  The man is a sucker for a back rub.
5) That time he told me he was tired.  He started talking and I truly couldn't hear him because of the vent in the bathroom, but I told him straight up, "I feel like you are going to start comparing our levels of tired, and that is just not a safe place to go right now". 
You have to be honest in a relationship, lest you get the urge to cut a bitch in his full nights sleep after you've woken up 5 times already.
Side note: They say the second child gets screwed and just has to do whatever the older child does and adhere to his schedule, but this is a picture of my oldest child playing with a flyswatter on top of a collapsed empty box of diapers while his little sister sleeps.  I'd say the neglect goes both ways.

February 17, 2016

What a Relief

According to my sources, AKA US Weekly, Mariah Carey never has to worry about money again now that she is engaged to a billionaire.
Thank goodness.  I was worried about the poor girl.  According to my research she only has a net worth of $520 million so it is a good thing her Prince Charming came along when he did!
This reminds me a lot of when Ricky Martin came out of the closet, which I never knew he was in.  Not exactly hard hitting news.

February 14, 2016

That was a doozy

Well I basically just got to live out every girl's fantasy: Trying on formal wear 4 weeks post partum.  I have a bad cold and my baby, who I once thought was a miracle baby because she slept for 6 hours straight two times, decided to wake up every 2 hours last night.  So I was in no way physically or emotionally prepared for this shopping experience.
I mean, I knew I wasn't exactly looking slim right now.  But holy hell.  The lighting was not my friend.  I looked like some sort of indistinguishable fat sack in most dresses.  I almost lost all hope when I stumbled upon what can only be described as the QuinceaƱera department of Dillard's.  But thankfully there were some more conservative options in the adjacent old lady section. 
I ended up with two options.  One I'm almost 99% sure I will see a senior citizen also wearing at the event next weekend, probably looking way more fly than me.  The other was more than I've ever spent on a dress ever but I think I could actually wear again.  So it's pretty much a win-win.
I can justify spending more money on the second dress with the rationale of: Oh wait...I don't give a shit how much this cost because you are making me go to a formal event 4 weeks after birthing your baby.  But also it's kind of pretty.
Long story short: thank God for Spanx.

February 10, 2016

Wine > Fear

I really didn't think I'd ever have the courage to take both kids out to a store together for a long, long time...and then I ran out of wine.
So I did it!  I took both kids to the grocery store, got my wine, beer, milk, and Diet Dr. Pepper,and no one had a meltdown.  It was a major victory.  And I didn't even buy a single solid food.
I'm sure someone was judging me somewhere because it was less than 40 degrees, I didn't get a single food item for my kids, and I was wearing a flannel shirt that made me look like a Latina cleaning lady.  But I got my wine damnit, and that has made all the difference.
I'm not going to start shopping on the reg with both kids by any means because it is too nerve wracking and because I think I already need shoulder surgery from carrying both of them at the same time.  But for today, I am basically super woman (with a slight Chardo buzz).

February 07, 2016

Kids Before Bros

I have read blogs and articles in the past from women saying they keep their marriages strong by putting their husbands first above all else, even their children.
If you know any of these women, call Child Services immediately.  They are definitely neglecting their children.  I'm pretty sure I won't have another intelligent conversation with my husband for at least 6 months.
Having 2 kids is no joke. 
We did actually speak in passing today, discussing how the 11th anniversary of our first date is coming up next week.  Then we realized if we had never met one of us might actually get to watch the Super Bowl in its entirety or even go out in public and watch it at an establishment.

I was even going to drink too much during the game and give my baby a bottle at her next feeding, but then she never went to bed in the first place and I ran out of time to drink all my drinks.
I don't know much these days.  Mainly because I'm sleep deprived and living in a bubble with an emotional toddler and a new born.  But I do know the secret to surviving the first few months of parenthood: Having friends nice enough to start a Meal Train (mealtrain.com) for you and a membership to Amazon Prime.  That way you don't have to attempt to cook or leave the house to get essentials.  Especially the unmentionables that a lady sometimes needs after giving birth and doesn't want to ask  visitors to procure for her.
Although the whole not leaving the house or cooking thing can get a little dicey.  Today for lunch I fed my family mozzarella sticks from the freezer and a packet of tuna with crackers for lunch.  Shockingly Grant did not seem too impressed!
Oh, and I miss sleep.  A lot.  But we are all still alive so I consider that a success.