A-Choo Ew

I just want to give a Friday shout out to the after-cereal sneeze.

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Not since Hiroshima has an explosion caused more collateral damage.  It's nasty.

Honorable mention to the toddler, after-Goldfish sneeze while you're carrying him.  Orange splattered shoulders are so hot right now.

Sour Sweet Tooth

What in the world is wrong with people?

 

Mom Bakes Vagina Cookies For 2nd Graders

 

Here is the original story on Reddit.

 

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*I didn't have the courage to post a picture of vagina cookies so this is in lieu of that horrifying image.

 

 

I have so many questions about this entire situation and the radical feminist mother who brought in said Vagina Cookies. 

 

First, why is this even on Pinterest? 

 

Who is pinning this? 

 

What occasion calls for vagina cupcakes?

 

A lesbian party?  No, wait, that can't be.  I'm straight and I've never thrown a penis party.

 

Announcing that you are having a baby girl?  That can't be it either because that's ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

 

Second of all, I don't want to say this is a double standard, because hopefully this isn't a standard AT ALL.  But can you even imagine the uproar if a dad brought in penis pound cakes and told a teacher that he should be "proud of his penis"?  That dad would be carted off to pervert jail or put on a watch list faster than a second grader can learn Phonics. 

 

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Thirdly, can someone please give the poor kid whose mom brought in vagina cookies a big hug.  And maybe a courtesy call to Child Protective Services?

 

Ethnic Foods

I like how instead of saying that I only like foods that involve lots of cheese, chips, carbs, specialty breads, or tomato sauce, I can just say, "I am really into ethnic foods."

 

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Thanks ethnic foods!

Send Help

Do you want to know how you know you might be suffering from sleep deprivation?

 

When you suddenly can't get this still inexplicably awesome show out of your head two decades later.

 

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Whaaa?

What's slower than a tortoise? A dead tortoise.

My mailman either has a crush on me or hates my guts.  I base this theory on the fact that he rings the doorbell 80% of the time he brings the mail (crush).  But knows that I have an infant that might be napping and a bark that definitely goes ape shit every time the doorbell rings (hates guts).

 

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Usually it's to give me a parcel that is slightly bigger than the mailbox but could easily be left on the front stoop (crush).  But yesterday it was to give me some disturbing news.

 

"Hey, I don't want to gross you out, but there is a dead turtle in your yard and buzzards are starting to swarm.  That thing is going to smell pretty terrible in a few days." 

 

 

I told him I wondered what happened to it because I could see the shell in tact clear as day in my front yard, leading to believe a car was not the culprit.

 

"I'm not sure but his head is pretty much ripped off."

 

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I was going to take a picture of the turtle for the blog, but no...It's not really the platform for dead turtle pics.

 

I had the pleasure of telling Grant when he got home that the recycling, trash, and dead turtle needed to be taken to the street for pick up. 

 

The only person who might have been more shocked upon seeing a casually dead turtle in our front yard was the trash collector who caught a quick glimpse or a turtle cadaver dropping from the large green can. 

 

Mail time is nearing for today's drop off.  Let's see if he decides to ring the door bell and start a new chain of chaos in the household!  My girl Rosie can baaaaaaark.

Stuck in the 80s

Yesterday must have been a really, really slow news day in Wilmington, NC.  Because this was a feature story:

 

Toe Cleavage Bra? Apparently this is real life

I was hoping this was an April Fool's joke.  But, alas, it is April 8 now and the website remains alive.

 

Introducing Brasieks:

 

"Turn heads in Brasieks, the first ever foot bra for enhanced toe cleavage. Made from the finest Uzbek silk, Brasieks incorporate a discreet, no-show design that provides natural-looking toe cleavage. The lace trim creates a classic, yet sexy look, while the adjustable heel clasp and elasticized edge ensure a perfect fit. Three levels of support let you pick the look that’s right for you -- try Demure for a subtle lift or Vixen for maximum toe-stopping cleavage and fullness. Perfect for showing off your favorite toe ring."

 

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There is just so much wrong with this description. 

 

First of all, who wants more toe cleavage.  I already don't like shoes that show tons of toe cleavage by accident.  Much less, on purpose and enhanced from the finest Uzbek silk.  WTF.

 

And as far as the lace trim creating a "class, yet sexy look", toes are toes and the cleavage between could just as easily be called toe pits.  Let's not get it twisted.

 

"Perfect for showing off your favorite toe ring".  Stop with the toe ring.  Just stop. 

 

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Foot sluts, save your astounding $65 on this foot bra and show your tits if you have to show extra skin at all.  Toe cleavage is simply not becoming a "thing".  I didn't have to watch Fashion Police to know that either.  I just surmised it by not having a creepy food fetish and not being a total weirdo.

 

 

No Tingles Allowed

Obviously I'm too late for Valentine's Day, but if you remain lonely and in need of companionship on this mid-March almost eve of Spring, check this out.

 

 

 

My favorite part of the clip is when Mo asks the girls if the tandem bike actually involves a bike.  One girl's response, "No, that'd be really awkward!"   Because...paying a woman to snuggle with you for an hour isn't awkward on it's own?  No?  OK, then it's just me.

 

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At least I can add another possibility to the list of things I can do to make money now that my 9-5 is over!

"Is It Sunday Yet?" Please say no.

This is an inexplicably terrible product for lots of reasons.  But allow me to name a few.

#1 Fan Baby Doll

First of all, grown women who like baby dolls enough to still buy them don't care about football...or have friends. 

And men who care about football enough to buy accessories pertaining to it don't want baby dolls.  At least not openly.  At least unless they are registered sex offenders.

Where would you even put this?  Next to the beer and brats?  At least for me, that might be the one way to get me to not gorge on finger foods...by placing them next to the world's creepiest, latex sports curmudgeon.  Not worth the buffalo wing to have to get near that little monster!

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In what world is team spirit best expressed by a sad doll crouched over like a young Quasimodo wearing a banana hammock made of gauze?

This just all around needs to not exist.  Particularly for $39.98.

Quote It

I'm just going to go on record as saying that keeping your heart rate elevated is not really worth how dumb you look jogging in place at stop lights.

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I do not like

I do not like when people say, "That'd be just my luck..." and then follow it up with something bad that may happen.

Luck is not a real thing, people.  You'd be better off being honest with yourself and those around and say, "Woah is me!"  Or, "I'm going to preface this sentence by feeling sorry for myself..."

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But luck isn't real.  It's just another way of saying you think you are more extraordinary than everyone else. 

For example, "It'd be just my luck that it rains all day tomorrow."

Fact: If it rains on you, it rains on everyone (i.e., not your luck) (i.e., the result of atmospheric pressure) (i.e., get over yourself).

Spare Change is More than Just a Homeless Man Roaming Franklin Street

I've probably written about this before, but it continues to confound me so I must go on.

 

What is up with vendors/retailers assuming they can keep your small change!?  This happens to me all the time.  The total for a gas station drink is like $1.99.  I give the guy $2.  They say, "Have a nice day."

 

I walk to my car then say, "WTF, where is my penny bitch?"

 

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But the other day this happened to me with a 2 cent situation at Dunkin Donuts and that was just too much.  How can someone just assume I don't want my 2 cents?!

 

If this happens to me 10 times a year, which I think is a fair estimate, that's a possible $0.10-0.20 hard earned cents that I'm simply not being offered back.  I could buy a mini York Peppermint Patty from the impulse jar with that kind of money!

 

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I know this isn't big money, but the value of being offered back my own money is priceless.  Less is more, only when it doesn't apply to my change.  In which case I want that money back mother f*ckers!

And you think you and your husband go through ups and downs...

Linda Ducharme Gets Married To Ferris Wheel Named 'Bruce'

 

Linda sure knows how to pick 'em.  Bruce seems like good people.  Strong name, strong foundation (God willing).

 

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Love is blind, I suppose.  Which could explain her previous relationships with an airplane and a train.  No, really...I hope she's blind.  Otherwise bitch is freaking crazy.

Nice Hood Ornament

Can you tell what it is?

 

That's an onion folks.  An onion on a windshield.

 

 

When Life Hands You Lemons

 

Make lemonade.  And do the worm.

Mario Kart

Last night I was watching the NBC Nightly News.  They were talking about police frisking and racial profiling and all that jazz. 

 

When a little friend from my childhood appeared.  With no explanation.  Or notice.  Or pomp and circumstance.

 

 

 

It's'A ME, MAAAARIO!  Backpack and all.

 

I Heart strange things.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Rethink this

I saw this on the way down Market Street yesterday.

 

 

 

 

A for effort.  C+ for execution.  F- for safety.

 

I don't know if he was dropping off his recycling, or picking up someone else's to maybe sell.  Regardless, I bet in this case Mother Nature would be like, "Nah, it's ok.  Just throw this batch in the trash."

Makes No Sense

Does this perturb anyone as much as it does me?

 

 

Sure, tonight could be your night.  And today could be your day.  But tonight could certainly not be your day...Because it's a night.  Don't get it twisted.

Snack Attack

Not much is happening in my neck of the woods this beautiful Friday, except a major nose barnacle forming from a whirlwind head cold and subsequent blowing of my nose.  16,000 times. 

 

However, I do have some great little food items to recommend to you to pick up for the weekend activities, guests, or general snackage:

 

This cereal is Gluten Free, low in sugar, and absolutely delicious!  The best part is that they taste like Cap'n Crunch and/or Cookie Crisp.  I couldn't quite put my finger on which one it was reminiscent of, but it's definitely one of those...I think.  It must be all the vanilla.  A breakfast or dessert delight, to be sure!
 



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Cascade Sparkling Coconut Water - This stuff tastes like a sparkling Pina Colada.  I was afraid it was going to taste like murky butt, like most other coconut waters I've tasted, but instead it was like a calorie free tropical delight.  I could drink 10 of these a day.  (*They are awesome amazing with vodka, but in keeping with the generally healthy theme of these snacks, let's pretend you didn't hear it from me.  Wink Wink.)

 



 

This World Market wonder tasted just like Bugles!  Another awesome healthy snack fake out.  The only downside is that you can't place them over each of your fingers tips and pretend you are a witch.  I hate that :(
 

 



These crackers aren't a healthy snack fake out like the other treats.  They don't have to be.  They don't taste like Doritos or anything.  They just taste awesome.  The mélange (yes, I went there) of flavors in these bite size crackers is so various and crunchy that you don't even know which seed will pop in your mouth next.  Now obviously that's not an attribute you want in all facets of life ;) but for a crunchy cracker?  Hell yes.



I hope that you try at least one of these awesome, wholesome snacks this weekend.  Let me know what you think!

 

TGIF Motha Effers!