November 30, 2011

Dash Baby #2

In rip my hair out Kardashian news - Kourtney is pregnant with her second child.

First of all, if I was Bruce Jenner I would kidnap my 2 biological daughters and move to Switzerland to save them from the fate of the Kardashian _____? Empire? I feel like that gives them too much credit...but nonetheless an empire it has become.

How does one keep up with the non-normal news of sooo many children.

Rob on Dancing With the Stars. Khloe pimping her unisex fragrance (really...unisex fragrance...really??) Kim being married for so little time I want to slap her for sullying the good name of marriage. And Kourtney getting oil enemas up her butt and procreating yet again with her gel-haired boyfriend who she seemingly hates??

It makes the small things in my family's "big news" seem like child's play compared to these dark-haired fame whores.

Obviously it's not my business and I shouldn't care because, as I keep needing to remind myself, I don't even know these people. But it makes me angry that Kim would flaunt her million dollar marriage in everyone's face and then call it off 72 days later. Some girls never find that certain special someone to trick into marrying them. And then Kourtney goes on her own show to demonstrate to the world that she loathes her baby daddy, then announces to the press a week later that they are expecting another child. This when some people who actually love their husbands can't get knocked up at all.

My point: If you are going to shamelessly flaunt your successes to the entire world on national TV, at least pretend to be happy about it.

Quit being so hypocritical ya spoiled brats!

Hot to Trot

This is hella random, but I feel like this is something I need to share to the world...and my 60 readers.

Hardee's is amazing.

I went to a Hardee's for the first time this past Sunday. You know, just to give one last kick in the pants to my jeans button after copious Thanksgiving feasting. I left feeling utterly satisfied with service and quality. And just a little bit fatter than before.

First of all, our food took about ten minutes to be delivered to our table. A 10 minute wait might not be what you want when you are choosing fast food, but I personally take great comfort in knowing that my food is being prepared fresh and not just dumped in a fry basket.

Second of all, they had this on the menu:

Oh my stars. This was just what I wanted. Rarely do I find a buffalo chicken sandwich in which I have to make zero alterations. Usually I have to at least sub blue cheese for ranch and add onions.

Not so with this guy. This sandwich automatically came with everything my heart desired. T'was glorious.

I have to admit I've had a few buffalo chicken sandwiches that are better than this, but not many. And I can assure you that says a lot because I rarely see a buffalo chicken sandwich on a menu without ordering it sans hesitation...which could explain a lot about my thighs.

I definitely don't want to make a habit out of this fast food delight, but if you're in a pickle/hungover and you need something covered in buffalo sauce and made with a great attitude, look no further.

Now excuse me while I clean up my drool off of my keyboard and go buy stock in Frank's Red Hot Sauce. I don't know who Frank is personally, but he has made my life infinitely better with his peppery sauce. I <3 you Frank!

November 29, 2011

Merry Merry Very Fat

It's the most wonderful time of the year!! Oooh how I love the holidays!

It's a little strange this year, what with it being 75 degrees yesterday and all. But that didn't stop me from buying my first ever REAL Christmas tree in my first ever home. There she is pictured above. Ain't she a beaut?! Obviously I'm in need of a better tree topper, so if you want to buy me an Angel or a beautiful Star I'm currently accepted such things. Santa's hat kind of looks like a limp bizkit as a tree topper.

How was everyone's Thanksgiving? I ate way too much, as usual, and felt like a fat bag of poo when I got home Sunday. My mother in law is a great cook and she always makes so much food. Think Paula Dean who somehow has the will power to not eat her own creations and never gains weight. Her 4 boys, being the non-food-hysterical women that they are, can overlook the cookies in the jar and the leftover stuffing in the fridge, because they are just used to it. I, on the other hand, spent the 3 days I was at their house sneaking Hamburger Sliders as snacks (!!!!!!) and asked about the leftover mashed potatoes so many times that I had to be asked to stop talking.

It didn't help that, as I alluded to in my last post, I wrongly thought I had lost weight recently. It turned out the my scale wasn't zeroed and I'd actually gained a few pounds. Perhaps my floor is just sinking from the Birthday poo explosion?

It's funny how the way one feels about him/herself is so psychological. I was walking around the last few weeks like I was some hot piece of ass, all confident and slim and whatnot. Then, just by realizing I was a few pounds heavier than I thought, with no other factors changing, I immediately start schlepping around like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, feeling all fat and stumpy.

Oh well, time to start fresh this week! In preparation for a full month of feasting in December. DAMMIT! Oh wait...I love the holidays, I forgot...Such an emotional time for crazy people.

November 27, 2011

Ice Cream Sundays - Cheesecake Brownie

How do they do it?!?!

This luscious, luscious flavor of ice cream tastes JUSt like Cheesecake and Brownie mixed together.

Hats off, Ben and Jerry. You really know how to peg down a flavor. And not only did this taste authentic, it tasted like AMAZING!

I had this plain. It was incredible. I had it with a piece of warm Chocolate Chestnut Pie. It was OUT OF THIS WORLD.

If I still wasn't so madly in love with the Strawberry Cheesecake flavor, this one would be my #1 choice. But Strawberry Cheese gave me that hug, and that's kind of hard to top.

Somehow this flavor was even romantic...if that's possible!?? I don't know. Just try it!


Flavors Tried - 7

Pounds Gained - This is really sad...I thought I had actually lost about 2 lbs over the last months, but then I realized that my scale just wasn't zeroed and I've actually gained 4 lbs. I l'trally almost cried. And then I realized that's so pathetically hilarious that I craughed (simultaneous laughing and crying). Oh well, only 40 more flavors to try then I'll start that diet ;)

Favorite Flavor: Still Strawberry Cheesecake!

November 22, 2011

Run the World (and the afterlife)

I've wondered my whole life why seemingly unusual situations always happen in my presence. At first I thought I was just exaggerating to myself. But, no, weird, amazing things continued to happen to me. My sister has called me a "chosen person", which I kinda loved. But that still just wasn't explanation enough.

After taking my second Zumba class last week, in which the gay attendees were basically just multiplying at the door before the class started, it finally dawned on me. These aren't just weird incidences that happen in my life. I am in my version of heaven!

This is my afterlife...And I must have been super awesome in my past life to deserve this. Because there is just no way my life can be this random.

This notion was proved throughout the next hour when one of the gays Zumba-ed so hard that I felt the ground shake beneath him. And when someone requested "Run the World (Girls)" by Beyonce and I got to do the actual choreography from her music video with the 0% coordination that I was blessed with. If that isn't heaven on Earth I don't know what is.

And just try to dance or sing to that song and not feel like the most powerful woman on Earth. Listen to it here. I dare you.

Next time I end up with a coworker who brags about his Japanese bathtub, a random encounter with a stranger that is just NOT normal, or accidentally wear shoes without knowing that they actually look like jazz boots, I don't have to wonder anymore! Life isn't weird. It's the afterlife that's really crazy!

Crazy awesome.

November 20, 2011

Ice Cream Sundays - Bonnaroo Buzz

This flavor was surprising. Not just because it was so rich. Mainly because I thought it said Bananaroo at first glance and I was expecting a light banana flavor.

Not so. This flavor is rich with the flavors of Coffee and Malt Ice Cream, as well as Whiskey swirls. I am a huge Coffee Ice Cream lover, so to say this was a little strong for me says a lot. I enjoyed it, but wouldn't buy it again.

Next time I want bananas in my bananaroo ice cream! :) Jk, I'm just stupid for thinking that. But it's like packing for the beach and going to the Arctic, it's unexpected and unpleasant.


Flavors Tried - 6

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Strawberry Cheesecake

November 18, 2011

Cleaning wonder

If you ever clean - by choice or by profession...or because you only work 3 days a week and have no excuse not to :( - get this: Electrolux Ergorapido

This little bagless, cordless wonder is like sex on a stick.

It pivots like a dream and makes those "hard to reach" spots a total non-issue.

And the best part?! You just have to make sure it's charged up before you use it and then you have no pesky cords to mess up your vacuuming rhythm. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

If you are a mom or a friend of a new homeowner or renter, this would be a great Christmas present. Just do not, I repeat DO NOT, give this to your wife or girlfriend as a present. As a recent recipient of a baking sheet gift, I know the ill feeling you get when someone gives you a gift that screams, "Merry Christmas...Now cook me something."

My mom gave me this one and I love it. Just a little tip from my dirty floors to yours!

November 17, 2011


I ordered something online yesterday and received the following email last night (I've highlighted the really terrifying parts in red for easy reading):

Michael Kors Outlet
Order Number: 19825
Detailed Invoice:
Date Ordered: Wednesday 16 November, 2011

The comments for your order are

Dear Customer,
Thank you ordering from our store,your order is success,You have consumed
Order details:
Merchant Order No. :111711
Order No. : 19825
Payment Date&Time : 11/17/2011 01:51
Amount : XX.00 USD

We will arrangements for delivery it as soon as possible.
Yours Sincerely


I will continue to be terrified that my identity is stolen until I receive said package in the mail. Oh Cherish...Why you gotta scare the shit out of me like that?

In more awesome news, I finished most of my Christmas shopping last night and I got it all for $40!!!

November 16, 2011

Sweet Treats

Grant signed up for a Bake Sale this week. And some how I ended up thinking of the recipe, buying the ingredients, and making the treats...How did that happen??

But that's ok, because I thought of a cute, easy idea!

All you need is these 4 ingredients.

1. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough (premade)

2. Sugar Cookie Dough (premade)

3. Rainbow Chip Icing

4. Cream Cheese Icing

The rest is pretty self explanatory.

Bake the cookies.

Make the cookies into little sandwiches with icing in between. I put the Rainbow Chip in between the sugar cookies.

And the Cream Cheese Icing between the chocolate chip cookies.

Somehow the cookies really deflated in the cooking process, which made my cookie sandwiches look a little lackluster. But they were still delicious. I would know because I ate one and then subsequently wanted to vom. I do not handle sweets well. Mexican Chicken Casserole on the other hand, I can take down!

I bagged each sandwich individually with Saran Wrap and a little ribbon.

Easy, peasy, cheapy! I hope it makes some good money for that good cause that my husband couldn't remember the name of!

November 15, 2011

Good people claiming bad things

A nun is suing Disney claiming that Sister Act was really her idea. Article here.

You read that right. A nun. Suing Disney. Over the greatest mover ever made. That's basically the same as Jesus suing the North Pole claiming that he invented Santa Claus. Or some such nonsense.

This nun's claim makes me mad because A) This nun is about 19 years too late to make a good point and B) If this movie was never made, we'd never have this moment:

That would have been a travesty. And the world would have been a lesser place.


Smokey Hair Everywhere

Last night my husband and I put on our Sunday best least disgusting jeans and went on over to Great Clips to get tandem hairdids and cash in a coupon...$7.99 just can't be beat.

Luckily the hair cut was unremarkable, unlike the Peter Pan haircut of early 2011, the non-hair cut of the 2010, the bleeding eyebrow incident of this summer, and/or the "Hello, my name is Angel. How may I service you" solicitation of 2006. One thing that was not unremarkable, however, was the pungent smell of cigarette smoke on Ebony's hands.

There is really nothing like getting a haircut from a smoker. Every time that stranger's hand caresses your face, you smell like a cigarette is up your nose. And in this case, that cigarette smell was attached to 2 inch long fake nails. So there was even more capacity for stank storage on each digit.

She was nice though so it wasn't that big of a deal. Just kind of gross. Oh and it cost $8 to get my there's that.

Last thought: Does anyone else think the name Ebony is borderline hilarious. It's like if I was named Ivory, just because I'm white. Or me naming my child "Genetically prone to sarcasm." Isn't that a little too obvious?

November 13, 2011

Ice Cream Sundays - Red Velvet Cake

Red Velvet Cake ice cream tastes, to me, exactly like Red Velvet Fro Yo, which is pretty much just like the cake. And while I give major props to B&J for nailing down the flavor, I just don’t really like Red Velvet Cake. For two reasons. 1) It is just regular chocolate cake with red die, no?? 2) It tastes too sugary/too artificially sugared. I know it’s not, because Ben and Jerry’s uses real sugar, but it is a taste I cannot get down with.

Which is a good thing, because I had one bite one night, went back to get busy on it on a hungover Sunday, and discovered that the cookie mustard (aka Grant) ate the whole thing! )But he also agreed to be the hand model for the above photo shoot for free, so I forgave him.)

I guess I should be happy he saved me from myself. But on the major list of things that you do not want to get between, food and me is in the top 5. Right behind Kim Kardashian and her eyeliner. And Kris Kardashian and her 10% management fee. Oh and my mom and dogs. Ever. She will pour beer on your head.

So basically I thought this was a very well executed ice cream. I just only liked it a little because of personal preferences.


Flavors Tried - 5

Pounds Gained - 0, but really 3 that I eventually returned at the Customer Service desk of WHY DO WOMEN GAIN WAIT SO EASILY? Cute store...check it out.

Favorite Flavor - Still Strawberry Cheesecake

November 10, 2011

Honkeytonk Ridonkadonk

Did you catch the CMA’s last night? If you know anything about me, you know I love a good awards show. And this year’s Country Music Awards didn’t disappoint…but most because it did disappoint and it was so entertainingly awkward that I loved it.

I was Blackberry Messaging my ass off with my sister during the whole things and these are just a few of our observations:

- Brad and Carrie: Overscripted, overacted, but totally expected. And I would kill for her legs.

- Taylor Swift – Thanks for making me feel not so average by wearing a totally unremarkable merino crew neck sweater from J.Crew. Or Gap. Or any store where most girls shop. Maybe you were trying to keep it real, but how am I supposed to know which celebrities to covet if I don’t know that your outfit cost more than my annual salary. Also, that song was terrible. And your set looked identical to my studio apartment in DC. That is not an impressive thing.

- Rascal Flatts and Natasha Beddingfield. I love that song. But I do not love middle aged white men in sparkly graphic t’s. And Natasha, good try on the dramatic performance, but this was the CMAs. Not the mother freakin Tonys bitch. Oh and you’re skirt made you look like Ursula from the Little Mermaid. But instead of Flotsom and Jetsom as your kickass sidekicks, you just had some nasally jabrone with frosted tips singing in an octave that no man should ever attempt.

- Luke Bryan, I have no idea who you are. But it's quite clear that in a production of West Side Story, you would undoubtedly be a Jet.

- Now to the good stuff – Hootie and the Blowfish Lionel Richie. Although Lionel Richie makes about as much sense on the CMAs as Miss Piggy…oh wait, she was there too…his voice is golden and that’s all I care about. And Hootie/Darius Rucker – It’s true what they say. BLACK DON’T CRACK. That cowboy hat-wearin brotha doesn’t look a day older than he did when he first started singing to let dem bitches CRYYYYY, let the tears fall down her face.

- But seriously, was Lionel headlining this thing? He was in way more performances than any of the actual country singers. This is strange, no?

I really liked how they closed the show by putting Carrie Underwood in a hideous green curtain from the 70s, and Reba McIntyre wearing the green felt from the bottom of a Christmas tree.

Way to keep me on the edge of my seat until next year.

I Heart Award Shows!

November 09, 2011

Wake Me Up, Before I Gay Gay

Well if this isn't just the feel-good story of the year I don't know what is!

Rugby player has a stroke then wakes up gay and becomes a hairdresser.

Hahaha! This is even better than the recent OR woman who had dental surgery and woke up with a British accent.

I wonder if these things are premeditated or if people just see a good opportunity for some attention when they come-to. Because surely this can't be real.

Happy Poop Day to You!

Do you know what does not go well after fine dining and German Chocolate Cake for your husband's 29th Birthday celebration?


There had been some grumbling from a toilet/bathtub situation in one room. I had a plumber coming on Friday and thought if we just didn't use that bathroom until then it'd be fine.

I thought wrong. Sooooo painfully, grossly, fecally wrong.

I came home, walked in our bathroom and screamed. It was truly an explosion of epic proportions. And not the good kind like when you win American Idol.

And to be perfectly honest, German Chocolate Cake is almost 99% less appealing when you've just spent the last hour cleaning up OPP (other people's I said, we hadn't been using the bathroom...and this house was built in the that was probably some vintage dookie we were looking at).

The funniest part of the night, besides Grant telling me that he wants me to clean up a pile of shit for his Birthday present, was the fact that we got to sleep on the Plaza because of it's non-proximity to the explosion.

The Plaza is only the world's most famous mattress. After sleeping on an air mattress for 3 years in DC, Grant finally decided to buy a mattress. But not just any mattress. He got the heaviest mattress known to man. It took 4 of us carry out of the store. And 4 to get in our house.

It also has a huge crevasse in the middle that I fell in many, many times last night.

This morning he said, "I love the Plaza. But it's definitely not as fun to sleep in if you're not wasted after a night out partying on 18th Street in Adam's Morgan." Very specific. And very true. But at least it wasn't near the poo!

Family Decals - Stop Doing Things

This family is not just too big. They are waaaay too damn active.

I think I see an ATV, a surf board, a guitar, and chain saw?? I can't make them all out but that's got to be one expensive set of tykes!

I'm going to let my kids make their own fun out of twigs and leaves and a strict $5/month allowance.

November 08, 2011

Como Es Posible?


Happy Sad

Yesterday, after a month of commuting for clean clothes, I finally got a Washer and Dryer!!!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Then the delivery guy told me that I needed hoses, clamps, and plugs to make it operational, which I did not know I needed. And I did not have.

This is pretty much how everything has gone with owning a home so far. I get excited about the possibility of improving something, then realize I have no idea how to do it. Fun times.

Like painting. I thought that would be easy and fun. 5 days later, on my hands and knees picking paint chips off the floor, I decided that whoever said painting is fun is a big lying d-bag.

And in other adult related news, I sent in my first mortgage payment today. Only 359 more and the house is mine!!

Fried Chicken Pieces

Have you seen the recent KFC ads making fun of McDonald's for their Chicken McNuggets? They say something like, "What part of a chicken does a nugget come from?!?"

Ok you have a valid point there. But when you follow that up by touting your new Popcorn Chicken, you lose me. What part of a chicken has popcorn in it?

If you're going to go with a negative ad campaign, at least remember not to throw yourself under the bus in it.

Either way I'd rather have a bucket!

November 06, 2011

Ice Cream Sundays - Karamel Sutra

I finally found one I didn't really love. KARAMEL SUTRA.

My husband bought this one thinking that the chocolate and vanilla were going to be swirled together, with bonus swirls of Karamel in the mix. That is kind of what the name implies, because who would assume they have to manually mix your own ice cream unless you get the Neapolitan flavor, which is just ghetto compared to today's ice cream flavors. But damn I ate that trifecta up in high school.

Anyway, back to the task at hand. Karamel Sutra. It was just too much work. My opinion of this flavor may be skewed because my husband ate most of it and I got one measly little bit of the actual Karamel at the bottom. But even if there was more "core" of caramel before I got to it, the fact of the matter is that the ratio of "topping" (caramel) to ice cream is less than 1/3. And that is frankly just not enough for my fat ass.

But I get it, it's sexual. The chocolate and vanilla are humping the caramel in the middle??

Long story short, don't charge me $5 a pint and give me chocolate and vanilla. No sirs, Ben and Jerry. That pint best be exploding with caramel for that price. I will not be buying this flavor again post-icecream-eating-expirement.


Flavors Tried - 4

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Still Strawberry Cheesecake

November 03, 2011


I need to be on an episode of MTV's True Life called "True Life: I Don't Know What Day It is."

I be stressin!!! Do you ever feel like there just aren't enough hours in the day? That there isn't enough money in your bank account? And that the human population in general is pretty stupid?

All that has pretty much been the theme of my week. We are having our super, duper old bathtubs reglazed and it is proving to be a pain in my ass!

What was supposed to be a 2 day process has now turned into 5 days (and counting...). Because one of the technicians was allegedly "coming down with something" and messed up the job. What could that possibly be that would make you mess up a tub. A flesh eating virus? A generative brain disease? Surely not the common cold that he said he had.

Add to that one highly over-talkative company owner and a senior technician whose breath smelled like the byproduct of some serious internal rot. And you've got yourself a major headache (literally, the fumes made me think I might not wake up from my sleep).

It's hard to keep your cool when you spend every lunch break and your entire Monday, plus a lot of money on something, and it doesn't come out perfect. I do not like to feel taken advantage of. Grrr.

Making matters worse, I only work Tuesday-Thursday. Which, yes, is a dream schedule, but also makes it incredibly difficult to keep up with deadlines and remember which feckin day it is.

I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off. And in case you're not convinced, when I first typed this out I wrote "a monkey with its head cut off."

Thank heavens my BFF is coming in town to help me paint and drink wine tonight. It won't help with the brain cells I've already lost from all of the chemicals in our house this week, but it sure will help me chill the eff out!

November 02, 2011


See, I always had Kim Kardashian's back.

Check this out that I wrote in May:

Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh the irony! I was so naive then!

I thought her 5 month engagement was fast! That seems like an eternity compared to a 72-day marriage.

Womp womp womp. I'll never believe in love again.

November 01, 2011


As I think about it more, I'm mad at Kim Kardashian. I think 99% of people think she's absurd. But I've always had her back! I actually respect the fact that she made millions out of doing nothing (aside from the whole sex tape thing). We may all scoff at it but what girl in the world wouldn't gladly be known for doing nothing if you had a multi-million dollar net worth, all the clothes man could make, and a manicure and pedicure every single week?...

I know, probably lots. But for the sake of my argument let's pretend...

That being said, Kim, I stood up for you when people called you worthless/pointless/talentless/etc.

And I actually believed in your sham of a union because I wanted to see you happy. You have disappointed me young lady.

But my real thoughts here go out to Vera Wang. That skinny little genius made Kim not 1, not 2, but 3 wedding dresses for her "big night". And I think they were all free to Kim. If I were Vera I would be soooo PISSED!

You're burnin' bridges Kimmy. First with Vera, then with me. One of those might actually hurt your reputation if you're not careful!! (Hint: It's not the loser with the Diva blog.)

Till the Next Season Do Us Part

E’rbody’s talkin about it. Kim K and her doofus husband are getting divorced after just 72 days. Shame. Shame. Shame.

The only thing more embarrassing about this situation, other than having a totally over the top, SECOND wedding and shoving it in the faces of all of American Television only to have it fall apart before the E! Fairytale Wedding special even stops being rerun, is the fact that even Courtney Stoddard and Doug Hutchison have lasted longer in holy matrimony. That’s right, a 16 year old and a 51 year old have enough devotion or oblivion to be married for at least 6 months. But not Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. Not so much.

To meet, date, get engaged, get married, and get divorced in less than one year is one thing and one thing only - STUPID. First of all, there’s no way you can know enough about each other to commit for ever after. Second of all, have you seen their shows?? There’s not even one redeeming quality of that man. I don’t need to get to know him to find out what I don’t like…I am still trying to find something I do like! Kim K may me essentially talentless, but at least she’s gorgeous with a big ass. Kris Humphries be dumb.

I give it 2 months before she’s on to the next professional athlete. Most guys might be intimidated by the average girl after having an insane wedding like that. But, like I mentioned, most girls don’t have that ass. I think homegirl’s going to be ok!

Boo. Hoo.

Happy Day After Halloween. Did you dress up?

I went as a girl who accidentally got high from chemical fumes while her bathtubs were being reglazed and she was stuck at home all day. Then I changed into a costume of a girl that got mad at the grip of kids that showed up at my door, at 5pm, dressed as NOTHING, and took 99% of all of the candy I bought.

Granted, it was a rookie mistake to let kids grab instead of doing a bag drop (I am new at passing out candy), but still. One kid told me he was a spy kid. We was just wearing a wind breaker. Another told me he was a snake and was wearing no costume whatsoever. Don’t spit in my face and tell me it’s raining. And for damn sure don’t steal all my Reese’s cups.

I know kids just want nice candy, but at least dress up as SOMETHING! Seriously, even bring a pencil and tell me you’re a writer. None of this windbreaker, spy kid crap.

I hate Halloween. But mostly I just hate my inability to not binge on candy.