I Gave Myself a Rose

Last night I was alone.  All, all alone.  This is noteworthy because I haven't had a night when I had the house and the DVR to myself, plus no social obligations to attend in more than a year.  It was just me, the couch, and the Bachelorette. 

Hell, last night I was the freaking Bachelorette.  Sure I don't weigh 80 pounds like Emily.  Sure I don't have the best looking veneers that ABC viewers have ever seen.  And sure I don't have an illegitimate child named Ricky.  But I treated myself like a hell of a lady last night, and it was glorious.

After having such a big weekend at my sister's wedding, I was going to go to bed super early, not drink, and eat nothing but a salad.  But instead, after learning that my husband was going to stay elsewhere for the night, I wined, dined, and Channel nined myself (that is the channel that the Bachelorette is on here...not a new sexual thing that you do alone.)  I couldn't resist indulging! 

I love being by myself so much that I think I'd actually like being stranded on an island by myself.  As long as I had endless wine and cable.  I wouldn't even need that much food.  I'm so food/fat creative that I could probably find a way to make a pizza out of sand.  And like it.

If it wasn't humanly impossible to simultaneously survive and be alone, without being a nomad, I'd be happy to give a go.

*Final thought on last night's episode of the Bachelorette:

Who is this guy that is a "Data Destruction Specialist" and how can that be anything other than a professional paper shredder?

Sir-iousness

For the past 2 weeks my DVR has tried not to record the Bachelorette, even though I've double-checked that it's setup at least 5 times each Monday.  It's almost like it's trying to tell me that I could be doing better things with my life.  But I don't listen.

I managed to catch the last hour of the show last night, after discovering that Miss DVR was rebelling again.  After a full hour of over-the-top seriousness, hoarse mouse voices, and bunch of gel-heads swearing on their lives that they have Emily's back, I had a revolutionary idea.  Instead of putting a bunch of serious, muscular guys with random jobs like "Mushroom Farmer" in a house to win the love of an almost-widower, why not let a normal girl with a sense of humor go on non-Disney inspired dates with other, regular guys with a sense of humor.  A little laughter never hurt anything, especially TV ratings.

Have you ever heard of the Romantic Comedy?  I hear those do pretty well.  Swap the date where Jef is being instructed on how to drink proper British Tea, and send two people, prone to laughing their asses off, to a bowling alley with pitchers of beer and pizza.  Trust me, that's a real date.  And I can tell you from lots and lots of experience that bowling plus beer = gut busting laughs, even if not an eternal love connection.  Especially if you frequent the ones in Northern Virginia that are inexplicably segregated into blacks and whites.  That's funny stuff people!  ABC take a cue.  Hell, take the idea!  Just don't send a beautiful girl with the personality of a hand towel to Bermuda and tell me it's real love.

Boring Bachelorette Blues

Last night's episode of the Bachelorette was, not surprisingly, about as exciting as watching a guy play video games.

In fact, when making cookies for her daughter's soccer game, it almost seems like Emily is reveling in the level of boredom that she is subjecting her male suitor to.  Oh well, at least she's proud of it.

But I did catch one thing in the previews for the upcoming episodes that made me sooo happy. 

Remember when I mentioned in this post that there was a guy holding a dinosaur egg???

Well, I might have made up the dinosaur part, but it looks like the egg gets some major action in an upcoming episode.

Unless I am seeing things, it looks like Emily loses her shiz and smashes the egg in the near future.  Did anyone else see this?!

I can't wait to see what the gel-haired owner of the egg does to deserve this!!

Maybe there's hope yet that this season will get even remotely interesting.

Bachelorette is Back, And this time she's Unanimously "Stunning"

Who watched the Bachelorette last night??  That show makes me so uncomfortable that sometimes I think my head is going to explode into really, really awkward confetti.

If I were Emily, and I had that many people tell me that I was "beautiful", "stunning", "amazing", and
"breathtaking", I'd be like "You know?  You're right!  Screw it, I'm going to buy a mirror and just marry myself."

The fact that she didn't eliminate the guy carrying around a dinosaur egg and/or the leprechaun in the green shirt who came in doing the Charleston gives me very little faith that she is going to find true love this season.  But then again, they never do!

Beautiful Bachelorette

This makes me very happy: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20562452,00.html

Lesbianest, Emily Maynard is just very pleasant to look at. A Bachelorette I can get on board with!

And it's going to be filmed in Charlotte, NC! Yay for NC.

And even though I think it might be the most redneck name one could possibly choose, I like the way she talks about her daughter Riiicky.

This is a Bachelorette season that I will actually look forward to instead of forcibly make myself watch just for blog purposes! Hip hip hooray!

Bachelor NonLessons

The more I think about the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows, the more I think they have got be the most unrealistic portrayal of real life love that is legally allowed by the FCC.

First of all, I love that at the end of their 3 month courtship, they start waxing nostalgic about when they first met…remembering when their brand new fiancé “first got out of that limo…” That is so not real life or a long time to date.

My first meeting with my now-husband is more like, “I remember when we both got drunk at a Fraternity cocktail which we were set up on, I played the tambourine with the all-black band, and we both bonded about being closeted drunk-smokers when we ran into each other (whilst hiding from each other) smoking a cig.” That romantic story has nothing to do with limos, that’s for sure.

Also, the bachelor/bachelorettes only date for 3 months before getting engaged. That is just stupid. I dated my husband for 5 years, have been married for 1 year and some change, and I’m still trying to make sure I like him.

Bachelor series, you are giving today’s impressionable youth and emotional young woman a very skewed version of what love is like in real life. It doesn’t involve limousines, the guy that agree to date you don’t really have 6 packs or agree to drink champagne with you, and, worst of all, Chris Harrison almost never shows up.

Love takes time fools. And real people are usually fatter than people on TV.

He works medium to hard for the money

Trust me when I say that I know in advance, this is going to sound mean.

But when someone lists their occupation as "Retail Manager" (i.e., Frank, from the Bachelorette), does that make anyone else think that maybe the shift supervisor at the local Verizon store is just giving himself a fancy job title?

I know stranger things have happened.

For instance, my husband was at one point a Cleanliness Maintenance Associate...aka a Janitor. Sadly, he only lasted a day and a half at the job and was forced to pursue other dreams.

Not that there's a damn thing wrong with working at Verizon. I just don't want giggly little Ali (Bachelorette) to marry Frank thinking he's a commercial real estate tycoon, and then end up watching him sling cell phones from 2-9pm Monday-Friday, and every other weekend.

Home is where the elusive magical apartment is

In Bachelorette news, I want nothing more than to see Ali Fedotowsky’s apartment.

For as many times as she’s complained about her sacrifices, specifically, “I gave up my job, my apartment! to be on this show…”, that apt better be lined in gold and infused with a metabolic increasing atmospheric pressure.

I’ve lived in an apartment before ladies and gents. I’ve even been in other people’s apartments before!

I think I can safely say that “giving up my apartment” is officially NOT that big of a sacrifice.

Giving up your children? Yes, that is a big deal. Giving up your rights to the cure for cancer? Yes, also a big deal.

Apartments? Not so much

Rated R, for Really bad facial hair

I can't wait to see the Bachelorette next week to see who the person with a girlfriend is!!

My money is on Justin. If life has taught me nothing else, it's to never trust a man with a soul patch.


Any other guesses out there?


I hope no one tries to hurt Ali now that Kasey isn't there to guard and protect her heart, since she kindly declined his offer to "jump in, stay a while" in his heart!!

In case you didn't get this from last night's Bachelorette...

Source

Kasey wants to "guard and protect" Ali's heart.

Oh, and he's insane.

Chris Harrison is the new Bernie Mac

http://tvwatch.people.com/2010/06/08/bachelor-pad-melissa-rycroft-chris-harrison/

This day just keeps getting better.

Just when I thought I couldn't love Chris Harrison anymore, he gives me this gem - a virtual Real World of former Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects who, presumably, have found nothing better to do with their lives since their first stints on the most unorganic show ever.

Something tells me this show is going to be more "getting drunk, hooking up, and sending people to the hospital" than "being fake interesting, going on ridiculously over the top dates, and exchanging thorny flowers."

That's my kind of show!

Thanks Chris Harrison, you're the best!

Sympathy for the devil

Oooh the Bachelorette.

Thank you gifting us faithful viewers with this year's best tandem low point.

Barenaked Ladies - low point for filling their "comeback" music video with a bunch of jobless, hair-gelled misfits who can't get dates in the real world and a giggly, dancing blond running down the highway.

Everyone on the Bachelorette - low point for being in your late 20's and thinking that it's even remotely cool to be in a video for the Barenaked Ladies, who debuted and, arguably, peaked 22 years ago

I know singlehood can be a lonely, cruel mistress...but you did this to yourself Bachelorette contestants. No sympathy for you!

Single and ready to mingle

My favorite part of The Bachelorette is the creative ways that all of the guys get around admitting that they don't have real jobs.

"You know, I was a consultant in Mergers and Acquisitions, but that wasn't fulfilling so I became an aspiring Screenwriter." - UNEMPLOYED


"I was a teacher but I spent the last 2 years taking care of my mother and had to quit my job." - UNEMPLOYED


"I'm an outdoorsman, through and through." - UNEMPLOYED (and not very good at making up excuses apparently)


There were some moments in last night's season premiere that were so awkward and uncomfortable I seriously had trouble falling asleep.


In other news, if Aly's career as a chronic reality TV contestant doesn't pan out, she should definitely pursue a job in politics, because I have never seen someone so good at responding to awkward, scary strangers.


Editor's note: I am pretty sure those are denim Chuck Taylor's pictured above. Uh oh.