July 30, 2012

Stretch Genius Genie

Have you seen the commercials recently for the Stretch Genie?  Stretch Genie

I keep seeing them while I'm watching awesome shows like "Keeping Up With the Kardashians".  And then I start thinking, if I'm watching the same show as the targeted audience of people who don't know just to buy shoes that fit right in the first place, then I'm probably stupid, or actively becoming stupider.

While it just strikes me as very stupid that someone would need this for their loafers or heels (I mean, seriously, just buy the right size), the glove application of this product downright scares me.

O.J. Simpson ring a bell, anyone?  Sure, "the glove didn't fit".  But did anyone check to see if the Juice was stashing bottles of Stretch Genie in his glove box?!

There are some inventions that are really just un-inventions.  Inventing a product that stretches shoes that are too small is the same as inventing shoes that fit.  But the latter was done centuries ago and the former cost an additional $9.99.

July 25, 2012

U No Want Breakfast?

Do you think this is a religious homage? 
Or an Asian nail technician who also says, "You no want eyebrow wax?" 
Which, by the way, is always offensive.  Even if it is said by the token salon matriarch.

July 24, 2012

Less than Great Clips

I think my hair is made of elastic.

I got yet another accidentally dramatic haircut last night.  I innocently went to Great Clips to get a trim and rid myself of my, again, accidentally dramatic/trashy layers.

We agreed on 2 inches, which mb the measure of a ruler is not so great.  But, apparently by the measure of the haircutter who told me a 10 minute story about her pit bull taking a poo in her car on the way to Montreal, is enough to make me look like a page boy. 

The fact that this happens every. single. time. I get a haircut makes me think that the length of my hair wet is drastically different from the length of my hair dry.  And/or that my hair is made of elastic.

Either way, this little page boy is going back in a ponytail ASAP!

July 23, 2012

Captain Obvious

I have recently come to the conclusion that the word "obvious" (and all derivatives like obviously, etc.) is just a word that assholes invented so they could make people feel stupid without actually have to say, "I think you're stupid."

Unless you say something like, "It suddenly became obvious to me that I was in love with him"...then there are no non-condescending ways to use it.

Take note people who throw around the word "obviously".  The jig is up!

July 19, 2012

Drink More, Care Less

My cousin sent this to me this morning.  And, while I should wait until Friday to post this in honor of the freakin' weekend, I just can't. 

Preach about it sister!

My love for Tina Fey is too great.  And my belief in this message is too strong.

July 18, 2012

Talk About a Nip Slip!

I'm about a year behind on this grotesque find, but I just heard it referenced for the first time on an SNL re-run last weekend and had to share.

Presenting: The first "dress" ever to be made from a combination of 3,000 cow and yak nipples.

Yak nipples gross you out?  That's ok, it's 10% yak nipps.

First of all, that is not a dress.  That is a light smattering of bovine nipples that doesn't even kind of cover her human nipples.

Second of all, ew. 

I may shop at Ann Taylor Loft and the Gap, but if wearing animal nipples is fashionable I don't want to be right.

Furthermore, if this is, as the designer insists in the article, art, not fashion, then I have to say I prefer my most recent post on abstract art much better - coffee mold.  It's strange, it's beautiful, and it never had the option to be milked.

July 17, 2012

Mil and Moldew

Do you like abstract art?

Sure, we all do! 
(Typing that just brought back a huge surge of nostalgia for this infomercial from the 80s - Sally Struthers for ICS.  Remember this??)

This picture above is abstract at it's best.  Pop of color?  Petite lily pads?

Nope, that's the coffee pot at my office.  Apparently coffee can mold.

I'd blame myself since I'm at the bottom of the totem pole/the office bitch, but I have no idea how to make coffee outside of a K-Cup, so it wasn't me that left it!

It just goes to show that you can't leave a man to do a minion's job.  And if you do, it's likely to become a health hazard in some way.

No S'more Meals

I promise I will stop talking about S'mores after this, but remember this post a mere 5 days ago about eating at Crow Hill
Well, in cray cray/scary news, it closed forever 2 days after we ate there.

Thank goodness it closed because of a "poor economy" and not "rat infestation".  That makes me a little less terrified that I ate a restaurant 48 hours before it went out of business.

Restaurants here don't have a very good track record for staying open long.  Future Restaurateurs in Wilmington, NC are a brave bunch, indeed!

July 15, 2012

Ice Cream Sundays - S'mores

This week's flavor is S'mores.

I have been astounded throughout this whole "project" how spot-on Ben and Jerry have been with authenticating the true flavors of the flavor varieties they offer.

Until now.

This flavor tastes absolutely nothing like graham crackers, marshmallows, or Hershey's bars.

HOWEVER, it does taste like rich, gooey, chocolatey fudge, and it is so very delicious.

So while I am discounting the flavor for tasting nothing like it's name, I am saluting it for tasting awesome, under the new name "Awesome Fudge Ice Cream - Let's Just Keep It Real Folks".


Flavors Tried - 25

Favorite Flavor - Mint Chocolate Cookie

July 13, 2012

S'More Please!

Last night I went to a lovely dinner at Crow Hill in Wilmington, NC.

I don't usually order dessert - I'm a savory bitch all the way - but when someone suggested ordering the S'Mores desserts for the table, I didn't put up too much of a fight.

Cutest Presentation Ever
It came presented like a real campfire S'more setup.  That little blue light you see above the Hershey's Chocolate is an actual flame.  I don't know what was making it stay a'flame for so long (couldn't have been natural), but we actually got to roast our own marshmallows for the S'more sandwich.  T'was very cool.

I just hope that if they ever have super drunk dinner patrons they lie and say that they are all out of the S'mores, because that flame was for real.  It was still burning by the time we left. 

Great idea for a restaurant dessert presentation.  And a fitting homage to this Sunday's Ice Cream flavor!  Stay tuned...

July 11, 2012

Downton Abbey Internship

I just finished watching Downton Abbey, Seasons 1 and 2.  While I can't say I understand the point in the whole story, I do think it's very interesting, highly entertaining, and extremely well acted.  And, most importantly, it is fundamentally a love story, which is really all I want in any visual media.

Ultimately, however, what I really took away from this historic drama is that I really, really, want a servant that will play with my hair at night.  And in the morning.  And whenever I want.  But I only saw hair-playing being officially sanctioned in the morning dressing and evening undressing on Downton Abbey.  I'd be willing to get on board with that too.

Since I'm not currently in the financial position to hire a servant exclusively for hair-playing, I'm officially opening up the position of Intern for whoever is interested.  You won't learn about business or how to succeed, but you will definitely learn that thin hair gets greasy real fast.

All interested parties apply here!

July 10, 2012


I was beginning to worry that my passion for celebrities was going away recently.  Robert Downey Jr.'s trailer was basically parked 2 inches from my backyard yesterday, and I just didn't care.  They are filming Iron Man 3 in Wilmington.  Woop-tidoo...

Sure I'd done some light beach stalking where Julia Roberts was allegedly staying on the beach last week, but I made to real effort to see Gwenyth Paltrow or RDJ where they are staying at the same nearby beach.  I feared the worst.  My celeb-obsessed days were over.

Then my friend emailed me from Mexico to tell me that the "short and stocky" member of Boys II Men was beside her on the beach- get this- getting a facial!!  First of all, his name is Wanya.  Second of all, kudos Wayna for using your sleeper status as  the most successful R&B group of all time (real fact) to get mid-day beach side facials.  And lastly, the excitement I felt upon reading this information renewed my faith in celebrities and my ability to care about them for no logical reason.

It turns out I just don't care about Superheroes!  All hope is not lost.

In unrelated news, the word "Fortnight" is so hot right now!

July 03, 2012

Old School Fool

I just got some phone books delivered to my office.  And my house.

Who uses phonebooks anymore?  In the world of iPads, Smartphones, and the Internet, this is just a straight up waste of paper.

I challenge you to tell me when the last time you saw someone use a phone book was?

For me it was probably in the early 2000's.  Back when I slept with my hair in braids and thought it looked wavy.  Guess what?  It didn't.  It just look like someone attacked me with a hate-perm.

Mother Nature is pisssssed.

Too Hot

Last weekend I saw something that was simply stupid.

You can only see the top of the tent in this picture, but that is a person selling a)HOT TUBS, b) on a day when the heat index here was 115 degrees, and c) in a black asphalt parking lot at a strip mall.

So, it's basically the sales version of hell.

Whose genius idea was it to try to sell a product that will make you even hotter on a day when people aren't even leaving their houses because of the extreme heat?!

Also, when it's 100+ degrees outside, I'm going to guess that even a regular swimming pool is hot enough. 
No need to spend money on something that could actually put your life at risk!

Know your audience.  Know your almanac.

July 01, 2012

Ice Cream Sundays - Phish Food

It's back!  After a much needed-hiatus from eating 23 pints of ice cream, I have tried another flavor.  And it was magnificent.

The pint says it has gooey marshmallow swirls, caramel swirls, and fudge fish in a chocolate ice cream.  All I could taste was yum after yum after yum.

I'm thinking that these flavors blend so well together that instead of tasting each distinct element, you just taste one flow of sweet dairy heaven.

It's doesn't have the unique "wow" factor of flavors like Mint Chocolate Cookie, but it's soo delicious and uncomplicated that it is definitely now in my top 3.  This is more of an "everyday" ice cream...if you're a total lard ass and you believe in things like "everyday" ice cream.  And if you do believe that than in this case Mint Chocolate Cookie would be the "black tie" of ice creams.

I know, it's all very complicated.  And fat.


Flavors Tried: 24

Favorite Flavor: Mint Chocolate Cookie