December 29, 2010

Diveats - Popcorn Nachos

This might be the most random thing I've ever assembled, but I present to you: Popcorn nachos - for people who can't be trusted with a full bag of tortilla chips.

This actually was pretty good at first and satisfied my craving, but then it got kind of soggy and hard to pick up.

Final verdict: Not recommended but not altogether frowned upon

December 25, 2010

Danke - Homemade German Gift Basket

This is a gift basket I made for my mother in law for Christmas, as an homage to our trip to Germany earlier in the year.

Ze German items include German...:

Homemade Pretzels
Pretzel Sticks
Potato dumplings

And probably some other stuff but I can't remember because it's already February!

I tied this bad boy off with some German flag-colored ribbon, shrunk up the plastic wrap with a hair-dryer, and VOILA! Gift baskets for all!

December 23, 2010

Would you like a mini-failure-quiche?

My obsession with leaving work immediately and getting the hell home has blocked all diva-esque thoughts for the day.

So I leave you with this super agressive fortune from an old fortune cookie.

"Success won't taste so good, without Failure as appetizers."

Dayum, that's intense.

Remember that while you're feasting this holiday weekend! Make sure to fill up on lots of mediocre crap before going in for the main entree!

December 22, 2010

TV is wonderful

I just love a good surprise blast from the past while watching TV.

I watched Lifetime's "12 Men of Christmas" last night, which incidentally is the only Lifetime movie that didn't make me want to put on a weighted vest and jump in the middle of a lake. The main sidekick in the movie, Jan, looked so familiar but I just couldn't place her.

And then finally like, like a beehive on Macaulay Culkin's face, it hit me! It was Veda from My Girl!! She is so cute now! And still a really good actress I thought. What a joyous discovery!

And as a bonus blast from the past, I saw Jim Walsch, 90210 Original Gangsta dad, on Criminal Minds!!

December 21, 2010

The scoop on the poop

I saw something truly puzzling on my walk home from work last week.

A seeing eye dog. A blind person. And a bag of dog poop. The blind person was holding the poop bag.

I know it's common dog-owning manners to pick up after your dog, but how in the hell can you do that if you can't even see the poop!?

I wonder what the percentage of accuracy is when reaching for said poop.

Either that woman has really great luck in hitting the mark, or she has one hell of a keen sense of smell.

You see something new everyday!

Domestic Diva

As part of one of my gifts (a German gift basket for the girl who has everything!), I had to make homemade German soft pretzels.
Not easy!

Have you ever boiled baking soda and used it to sear pretzel dough (which takes an hour + to even become dough)?!
If the answer is no, then you have not made a German homemade pretzel. Nor should you.

They are delicious, indeed. But I still think it'd be easier to hunt down your local Aunty Annie's pretzel kiosk and buy a bunch there.
Now, where can I find some lederhosen?!

December 19, 2010

Speaking of germs...

I also went with my parents to Southern Season today. It's a wonderful everything-in-the-kitchen-world store that has pots, pans, food, and free samples.

Well divas, sad news. I shall framp no more! Despite my intense passion for free samples, I saw something today that killed framps for me forever.

In all of the framps with crackers, cheese straws, crumblies, etc., there was a pair of tongs to pickup your individual sample with. Unfortunately, random kid A did not get that memo.

I kid you not, kid A picked up (multiple times) the tongs, used them to pick up the sample in question, and then proceeded to put the entire set of tongs into his mouth with the free sample. Omg. I just quiver at the thought of how many times this has unknowingly happened to something that I've framped hours after the dirty kid licked the hypothetical tongs.

Ewwwwww! If indeed I don't get the swine flu from the sweaty lunch beast below, I"m definitely going to get some sort of airborne virus from the chain of unknowing kid-lickage from kid A.

I'm not a germaphobe at all, but I'll definitely think once, twice, three times a lady before I ever take a free sample again!

Germs are in the air, everywhere I look around

Today I went to a wonderful restaurant spot in Chapel Hill. For some reason I wasn't feeling so hot this morning so I knew a good lunch would make me feel better...

That is, until I saw the woman behind the register where you order your food. Oh my word. Not only had she lost her voice and all of the original white color of her teeth (yellow!), she was also in a full sweat. Like, she was wearing a bandanna on her head that was completely soaked through.
The cartoon above is adorable compared to the actual woman in question. She will seriously continue to haunt my dreams all week.

Needless to say, my nausea intensified immensely, and I will be astonished if I wake up tomorrow and don't have either a fever, or the swine flu.

Managers listen up. When a restaurant employee starts making potential customers lose their appetites, it's time to send them home!

December 18, 2010

Diveats - Homemade Egg Nog!

Homemade egg is better than bottled. It's official.

I made this recipe so I could enjoy a lighter version of this holiday treat and it was DELICIOUS. It tastes even better knowing that you aren't drinking heavy cream and whole milk.

I recommend this fo sho divas!
The whipped egg whites make it taste like a milkshake. Check out the step by step genesis above (in reverse picture order).

It's a must make for the holiday season!
(I also quadrupled the alcohol and used bourbon instead of rum, because I'm crazy like that. 1 and 3/4 cup was the perfect amount of alcohol).

Happy Holidays!

December 17, 2010

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - Wrist Cell Phone Carrier forgetful can a person be?!

If you are an apparent idiot who absolutely cannot keep up with items unless they are attached to your body, listen closely!

Introducing the Wrist Cell Phone Carrier. It looks like a roller-blading arm guard, but it functions in place of a human brain by keeping track of your cell phone, when your simple mind can't.
If you think you might actually need this product, I say save your money and go ahead and cancel your phone service. Because no one is going to be calling you anymore after they see you tooling around town talking on your cell phone whilst it is attached to the world's ugliest wrist accessory.
Thanks for another gem Sky Mall!

3 cheers, 3 feet

Do you ever feel like your life is a video game?

That's how I've always felt in Chapel Hill with all of the students, bikes, homeless people, drunk kids, bike races, crazy weather, etc. Everything always happens so fast and whizzes by, a la Mario Kart.

Well last night I just reached a new level in the game.

For starters, I went to a bar that served $4.25 PITCHERS of Genny Light. Have you ever heard of a better deal!?
Then all of a sudden, Karaoke starts. The first person on the mike, who as far as I can tell came alone, sang a Christian rock song. Whomp whomp.
Then a little old lady walked in rocking a pimp cane, by the side of her man, who looked like a toothless Santa Claus.
This was really strange to begin with because she seriously was about 3 feet tall but pounding a beer, tapping her cane to the beat, and seemingly having a normal/good time.
Until she came up to my friend and started basically speaking in another language! Not like Spanish. More like Klingon? I wish so badly that I knew what she was saying because at one point I think she actually asked to have her picture taken?!
No one could say for sure, but it was unusual!
Anywho divas, I'm off to a staff meeting for the "better" part of the day so have a jolly good weekend if I'm not back before 5!

December 16, 2010

Dearest Juliet

I am wearing this sweater today with black pants.

In my opinion, this outfit is neither here nor there. Just clothes, no statement.
Well mi esposo told me this morning that I looked like, "Something black and white...Oh I know, a newspaper!"

Isn't he a sweetie!? That's exactly the look I was going for!

Then, maybe thinking that it wasn't the nicest thing to say, he changed his mind and said I looked like a skunk.

Some guys just really have a way with words. I've got my very own Shakespeare!

Lego my ghetto Lego

Times really must be tough. Tougher than I thought in fact.

I know teachers aren't getting raises, building construction is being halted, and getting tenure is harder than it used to be, but my God, pony up for some real brick pavers UNC.

I can't say for sure whether this was the genius creation of the University facilities staff or just a craft college kid, but I can say with certainty that these are legos. Le-gos. As in the toy for little boys.

While I love a splash of color as much as the next gal, this is just too absurd. It reminds me of this masterful repair solution.

You know how they say, "If it ain't broke don't fix it?" Well let's also start saying, "If it is broke, don't fill it with legos."

December 15, 2010

Royally confused

As often happens on humpday, I started thinking about the Windsor family. You know, Prince Charles, William, Harry, and the gang?

I realized that I don't have a clue what their actual last names are!

My research produced even more puzzling results. Check it out below.

It looks like Prince Charles's full name is Charles Philip Arthur George, and Prince William's full name is William Arthur Philip Louis.

And, Prince Harry's full name is Henry Charles Albert David.

Why on Earth don't they have the same last name?

Did I miss out on that lessen in English that taught us that, like Hispanics, children take their mothers' last names?

Nope, that can't be it either because the late Princess Diana's last name was Spencer.

What the royal hell?!

Does anyone know the answer to this mystery?!

Update: Apparently all of these men share the last name Mountbatten-Windsor, which means that they all have quadruple names + hyphenated last names. That reminds of some people I've met in backcountry NC...who have really feminist moms.

December 14, 2010

Ho Ho Ho-bag

I really want to be able to participate in my office's "tacky Christmas sweater" party this Friday, but all of that clothing is so expensive.

I went seeking heinousness yesterday and all of the good sweaters and shirts were upwards of $35.00. Nevermind the ones that incorporated various animal prints. Those were around $50!!! That is just too much to pay for a one-time-wear in my poor person opinion.

However, as I was browsing I also found this sexy little number above.

Can you even imagine how that would go over at a workplace function?

I say forget being the sexy nurse, the slutty cop, and the whorey kangaroo for Halloween. The new "it" thing for dressing up should be to play the role of the holiday office ho-bag.

You may lose all respect, and most likely your job, but damnit if people won't remember you for years to come! That's more than a lot of people can say for their workplace.

I suggest even wearing it with regular work slacks, so people will think you actually might be serious.
Life is just so much more entertaining with a giant pink elephant in the room!


Have you ever "removed" a mass amount of people on facebook?

I recently removed about 300 "friends" in honor of National Unfriend Day.

Everything was all fine and dandy until about a week ago...when they all started adding me back!

The first person to ask me to be his friend again was a guy I hadn't talked to since high school...almost nine years ago!

And the most recent re-request??!! The RA of my freshman dormroom eight years ago! Wtf?! Surely these people don't really care what's going on in my life!

This is going to get so awkward if more and more people start to discover my unfriendship. Oh well, 'tis the season to be brutally honest!

Where do I live

Yesterday on my walk home from work it was so cold and windy that I didn't know if my eyes were watering, or if I was sobbing.

This cold is too much!

Divas need sunlight to survive and to wear cuter outfits!

Come on mother nature. Throw us a freaking bone here!

December 10, 2010

Quote of the Day

"I've been on dasher, on dancer, on prancer, on vixen, on comet, on cupid, on donner, ... but not on blitzen, he likes to watch ok."

December 09, 2010

Santa Baby?

Apparently Mariah Carey's husband Nick Cannon is already telling his unborn child that there is no Santa Claus!

Not only is that extremely premature in my opinion, it's also totally surprising!

With those two I would have thought for sure that they would have actually hired a Santa Claus to arrive in a sleigh and go down the chimney. Because they are that excessive.

I guess (pre)parenthood really does change people!

I hope this doesn't mean that my dreams of the most ridiculously diva and spoiled offspring ever are going to be destroyed.

Baby, It's sooo freaking cold outside!

This container of generic brand Toasted O's doesn't represent the recession and the circles don't represent the circle of life.

It represents the hole in my plastic bag ripping on the way to work. It also represents my cute little milk container that came crashing to the ground, spilling all over the place, and breaking into milky chunks of glass.

I couldn't find a trash can for about a 1/4 of a mile and it was so cold outside that by the time I found a container, the milky glass shards were frozen to my cold bare hands!

Winter is hard enough to bare already. Stuff like this shouldn't be allowed to happen when it's below 40 degrees.

I'm going to try to find a way for humans to hibernate in the winter. And until then, I'm going to try to find enough moisture in my mouth to eat these dry generic cereal circles.

December 08, 2010

Once upon a midnight dormroom

When I was a freshman in college, my bff from high school came to visit with one of her new friends from her college.

I was pretty sure I didn't like her friend immediately, and then she went in to my shared bathroom, weighed herself, and screamed, "Oh my God!!! I way more than 100 pounds!!"

No. She. Didn't.

Now remember, this was freshman year. I had gained a solid 30 pounds and was actually actively avoiding petite people.

Not to mention that I probably hadn't weighed less than 100 pounds since 5th grade. Clearly this bitch was not to be trusted.
And my instincts turned out to be right! About 10 years later she would go on to really screw over my high school bff.

It just goes to show, trust your instincts and never let really skinny people into your freshman dorm room!

Diveats - Guess!

Who can guess this classic snack!? Despite it's jacked up appearance, it's delicious and nutritious.
Hint: It's not just for Kindergartners anymore!

December 06, 2010

Don't Cry for Me Green Giant

Something hysterical happened at Target yesterday. And I don't mean hysterically funny.

After waiting in line (for a long time) behind a nice, smiley woman wearing all denim, she started putting her items on the counter. Water, TP, standard Target purchases, and a knife through my heart...a Just for One Green Giant Broccoli and Cheddar.

I noticed immediately after that that she was not wearing a wedding ring, and she was about 50 years old.

Why, Oh Why, do they have to call it Just for One!?

Maybe because it's the holidays or maybe because I'm crazy, but the second I got in my car I burst into tears thinking about that lady.

Thinking about that denim loving lady eating a Just for One all by herself over the holidays was just too much to handle.

My husband tried to make me feel better by telling me she was probably either a career-minded woman who didn't want a husband, or a lesbian on a diet. I chose to believe him, but it hasn't been my experience in the past that woman who love their careers more than men also love wearing Canadian tuxedos.

Either way, I'm going to be kind to everyone this holiday season because you never know who could need a pick-me-up!

Happy Holichristkwanzhaunakah!

Happy Holidays from the Mamacita household!

December 03, 2010

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - Sky Rest

First of all, worst shirt ever.

Second of all, I believe that it folds down, but that doesn't make it not look like you're holding a blue diaper when it's deflated.

I do have to say however, that if you're too good for the half asleep head bob dance that inevitably happens on all flights, then this does look kind of comfy.

The real question is are you willing to sacrifice looking at all normal for a little in-flight shut eye?

Also, I just have to hope that when the person in front of you slams their seat into the reclining position that that Sky Rest doesn't A) deflate or B) puncture your lungs.

Sleep tight you sleepy mustached man!

December 02, 2010

Beer for Horses, Coke for my co-eds

Because I work at a University, and have to work on the weekends every now and then, I have a lot of opportunities to observe various tailgating styles.

And there is one that has me absolutely perplexed: THE SOBER TAILGATE.
From what I've gathered in my observations, it merely consists of a group of young co-eds eating Doritos, drinking sodas, and NOT imbibing any alcohol.

I just don't see what the point of this is!? Why bother getting together and sitting outside when you could do all that from the privacy of your own couch?

Honestly, it just makes me sad. I sit there watching them knowing that what I see is the most interesting their day is ever going to get.

I like knowing when I am with a group of people drinking and watching football that Silent Samuel is going to real chatty in a few beers. Or that Unsuspecting Ursula is about to say some really appropriate things. And after one more round of beer pong you just know that Tame Tammy is about to take her top off.

That's just good, old fashioned American fun!

Don't get me wrong, I love Doritos and chatting with friends, but I like it much better when I know that there is at least a strong possibility of bar fights, over-honest conversations, and bad decisions later in the night.

December 01, 2010

Fanciest Loser

I wonder how stupid Alison Sweeney feels every week hosting Biggest Loser weigh-ins.

Every week while all of the contestants are wearing sleeveless t-shirts, spandex shorts, and big ol' sports bras, Alison brings the heat in some sort of cocktail dress.

Even the trainers wear jeans or sweats.

Ali-cat, why you gotta get so dressed up?! :?

Tuesday finally became interesting

Last night I sat 10 feet away from a former President, called the cops, and ran away from a scary raccoon. None of these things were related.

First I saw President Clinton at the Greensboro Collesium. 6th row baby! He didn't talk about politics really, so I won't either. I will say that he seems to be somewhat of a genius who is obsessed with statistics, and with hearing himself speak. I was impressed with all that he was doing to be "communitarian" (as he called it), and so was he. Slick Willy is NOT lacking in self confidence. All in all, a great privilege to be that close to anyone who was a US President.

Next up on deck is the police call. Like a full-fledged, come to the scene police call! Driving back home to Chapel Hill on Interstate 40, a mere moment before we drove by, an SUV flipped over on the third lane right in the middle of the highway!

I called 911 right away and told them of the happenings. And not to brag, but I think I was the first one who called. Because as I was talking to the dispatcher, she said other people had started to call. Herego, I was the first one. Herego, I might have saved a life. But enough about me. I just hope that driver is ok!

And to keep the heart rate pumping when I got home, hello Mr. Scary Raccoon 2 feet from my car door. Please don't give me rabies!

Tuesdays are so the new Mondays!

November 30, 2010

Aren't they a beaut!

I just received an email addressed to my mom and myself. My mom and I are both pretty much known for our fashion risks and styles, so it only seems fitting that my sister would write to us saying that if we ever bought stilettos, she hopes we buy these.

And why wouldn't we?

They're chunky, they're hideous, they don't look any more comfortable than regular stilettos, and they look great with thick winter socks!

My favorite part about this product however, besides the "in action" adverstisements, is the warning: *Not recommended for actual hiking, gardening, mountain climbing, or Phish concerts.

Oh, and that they cost $330.00.

Shut up Sky Mall Magazine - Litter Kwitter

As usual, the Sky Mall magazine did not dissapoint during my latest travels.

In fact, I've decided to introduce a new little segment I like to call Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine.

An ode to the absolutely ridiculous crap they are trying to sell.

Today's featured product is the Litter Kwitter, which is allegedly an "award winning cat toilet training system."
I couldn't make this $h*t up if I tried.

To see the absurdity in action, click here I can't even imagine how dirty your cat's tail would get from this action.

I can assure you that if I walked into a friend's house, went to the bathroom, and saw a cat peeing on the toilet, I would end that friendship immediately.

Strike one is obviously that you have the cat in the first place.

But strike 2 is that you bought a cat potty training system. And strike 3 is that you paid $59.99 for it.

Guess what?! You're out!

November 29, 2010

Caress me down

I flew to Nashville this weekend for a friend's wedding and was all prepared to get felt up by the TSA on both the outbound and inbound trips.

Nope. I also wore my best undergarments for that violating body scanning machine and didn't even get a lick of action from it or the TSA officials.

I guess all the hype doesn't apply to us po' folk who don't live in big cities.

In fact, much to my surprise on this holiday weekend, security was as lax as ever and my flights weren't even full.

It's true what they say. Don't believe everything you see on TV!

Mondays - The tiger den version

This was my fortune last night after a delicious Kung Pao Chinese feast.

Apparently my future involves catching baby tigers...Oh Mondays...You really are too much.

November 24, 2010

Diveats - Pecan Squares

Todays Diveats is brought to you by this recipe from Barefoot Contessa.

I know it looks like minced meat in the photo, but those are actually very rich Pecan Bars.

This is, to date, the most extreme, decadant dessert I've ever made.

It calls for not one, not two, not five, not eight, but NINE sticks of butter.

I made this with a colleague as a Thank You treat for some people in my office and we were both in shock as we saw what the Doctor (Ina) ordered for the recipe.

I made sure to eat just the top of one. It's hard to binge on your creation when you know that each bar literally has almost half a stick of butter in it.

T'was good, and fun to bake. But never again shall I make these. I feel like there are a lot of other desserts that taste as good without the absurd amount of fat.

I'm Thankful for You

This Thanksgiving I'm thankful for a lots of things.
I'm thankful for my family, my husband, my real friends, my health, my happiness, etc.

But mostly I'm thankful that Snookie didn't leave the Jersey Shore house during the beginning of the first season after getting wasted in the hot tub and actin a fool.

Can you imagine how different our lives would be if Snookie hadn't stayed in the house, become famous, and entertained us endlessly in the subsequent seasons?
I cringe at the thought of it.

Thank you Snookie for rerouting the course of history in the right direction!