June 28, 2012

Garden Tour

Finally!  After months and months of waiting, we finally have a red tomato.  3 out of 4 of our tomato plants look like they have been destroyed by a flesh eating virus.  This one below though has some promising growth.  Here's hoping they all turn red before they all turn into prey from whatever is eating everything else!

Ever wonder what a squash looks like as it grows??  Here you have it.  A litle finger with a blossom at its root.

I can't wait to eat these!

Fun, related fact: In Indian Princesses (a father-daughter group for young girls) my Indian name was Squash Blossom. I never knew what that name, so beauifully painted on the leather medallion around my 8-year old neck, meant until this very moment!

Meanwhile the cucumbers continue to grow like weeds.  And instead of giving them away as cucumbers or just tossing them, Grant has turned our house into a makeshift pickle factory.  I came home one night from dinner and upon entering the kitchen, my eyes actually watered from the thick layer of apple cider vinegar in the air.  I hope they are good enough to eat.  Because heaven knows we have enough to share!

Oh, also, someone in our house bought Crocs for gardening.  And it wasn't me.

I'm learning so much while continuing to do so little.  It's glorious!

June 27, 2012

And Gosh Darn It, People Like You

I love a deal as much as the next much as the next person.  And probably even way more than that person.  I use coupons whenever I can, buy massages on the regular from LivingSocial.com, and get my hair cut at Great Clips.  But when it comes to my ultimate life dreams and goals, that's not where I want to pinch pennies.  So you can imagine my amazement when I opened today's LivingSocial.com deal for the Wilmington, NC area:  Initial Beliefs and Behavorial Analysis, and Life Coaching Sessions.

How do you even become "certified" in life and success coaching?  What do you think the test is to prove your ability?  Successfully talking a suicial person off of a ledge??  Otherwise I call BS.

Look I'm me, I'm certified too: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Get a job.  Be nice to people.  Don't suck.  And pay attention to the task at hand."  There - Now you have all the keys to success!

I would never pay $75 (discounted from $425!!!  WTF) to have a perfect stranger call me and tell me I'm special.  I have my parents for that. 

June 25, 2012

Yo Soy Bad at Dressing

I just made the mortifying realization that I currently look virtually identical to every member of the Buena Vista Social Club.  It turns out that I'm basically wearing a Guayabera.  Oops.

It truly astounds me that I can be a relatively intelligent person but fail so miserably at dressing myself each and everyday.

I guess bad fashion sense is my hubris.

Now, if I could just get my hands on a mojito and some Cuban music this outfit might be a little less embarrassing to be in...

Monday Go Bye Bye

It's official.  I need to invent something immediately and sail around the world.  Not only do Mondays suck @$$, my body is now physically rejecting the act of sitting in an office chair.

I have sciatica and it hurts.  According to the chiropractor I have been handing out money to, I also have a serious case of scoliosis.  Thanks for the devastating news "Doctor".

This all reminds of one of the most amazing conversations I've ever had the privilege of being part of - When a 60+ year old woman was told by a Pilates instructor that she was left handed, not right handed, as she had been trained to believe for the past 6 decades.

My mind was blown in a series of small explosions as she waxed poetic about how different her life could have been if she'd known that she was left-handed.  Would she have been an artist?  Would she still have met her husband?  Would she have learned to speak French?

I didn't have the heart to tell her that Pilates instructors, much like Chiropractors, are not really in a position to tell you life-changing medical information without at least handing you one tiny grain of salt.

Without scoliosis would I have been a ballerina?  Would I be able to put my legs behind my head?  Would I have invented Spanx first?

Oh wait, who cares.  I want to go back to bed.

June 20, 2012

It happened again.

Well yesterday it took me to the end of the universe.  Otherwise known as a dead end.  Only it didn't think it was a dead end.  It thought it was a highway.

So you can imagine my surprise when, going around 50 mph, I am stopped dead in my tracks by red caution signs and an abrupt lack of pavement.

Maybe I need to start taking up donations or something.  Somehow I just can't convince myself it's worth it to spend almost $200 on a new GPS disk.  But after a close call with an accidental ferry ride and near collision with a very dead end, I'm becoming a little more open-minded. 

If she tries to take me somewhere via air travel anytime soon, her reign as my virtual shepard will be in serious jeopardy.

June 19, 2012

I Gave Myself a Rose

Last night I was alone.  All, all alone.  This is noteworthy because I haven't had a night when I had the house and the DVR to myself, plus no social obligations to attend in more than a year.  It was just me, the couch, and the Bachelorette. 

Hell, last night I was the freaking Bachelorette.  Sure I don't weigh 80 pounds like Emily.  Sure I don't have the best looking veneers that ABC viewers have ever seen.  And sure I don't have an illegitimate child named Ricky.  But I treated myself like a hell of a lady last night, and it was glorious.

After having such a big weekend at my sister's wedding, I was going to go to bed super early, not drink, and eat nothing but a salad.  But instead, after learning that my husband was going to stay elsewhere for the night, I wined, dined, and Channel nined myself (that is the channel that the Bachelorette is on here...not a new sexual thing that you do alone.)  I couldn't resist indulging! 

I love being by myself so much that I think I'd actually like being stranded on an island by myself.  As long as I had endless wine and cable.  I wouldn't even need that much food.  I'm so food/fat creative that I could probably find a way to make a pizza out of sand.  And like it.

If it wasn't humanly impossible to simultaneously survive and be alone, without being a nomad, I'd be happy to give a go.

*Final thought on last night's episode of the Bachelorette:
Who is this guy that is a "Data Destruction Specialist" and how can that be anything other than a professional paper shredder?

June 18, 2012

My Face Hurts

Remember when I told you that my sister was getting married.  Well, she did.  And I said zero of the 100+ words I typed up for my speech, in favor of something short and sweet that I pulled out of my @$$ last minute.  I got a lot of brownie points for brevity though, I think.

The weekend was a smashing success filled with lots of fun.  I know this because I now have a light smattering of adult acne, the inability to keep my tired eyes open, and a full semi-circle cut on my entire upper lip from where a revolving door unexpectedly stopped on a dime, while I was in it, mid-sip of a glass of wine.  In hindsight, it was pretty clear that everyone was drunk at this point, because when I went around asking a few people if my face was bleeding, no one even asked me why or hinted that that might be an unusual question.

It turns out I may be getting old, but my oil glands on my face and my ability to stay up way too late are not.  This is not a good combination.

The highlights of the weekend, besides seeing lots of amazing friends and family and my sister marrying a wonderful man, were these three things:

1. The Dusty 45s at the rehearsal dinner - http://www.dusty45s.com/
These guys were AMAZING!  Apparently they are trying to get more clients on the East Coast, so East Coast, hook it up!  They are so unique, so energetic, and everyone in the whole place was dancing until they could dance no more...because the band had to stop.  One of the guys in the band even told me that they toured with Adele on the West Coast earlier this year!!!

This group is always amazing.  In addition to the dapper gentleman pictured on the website, they also had 3 very sassy ladies with them singing and dancing up a storm!  So fun!

3. I found the best new shade of nail polish, at the best walk-in salon I've ever been to.  Five Nail Salon in Greensboro, NC.  No wait, and they even give you neck/back massages mid-manicure!!!  I thought the color was Strawberry Daiquiri by Essie, but I can only find a Peach Daiquiri online so maybe that was it.  I hope I didn't dream it up!

Now, back to reality, back to salads, and back to bed before the AM hours.
What a great weekend!

June 14, 2012


Hark the Sound for Tar Heel asses, being not as fat!

Gumby's has closed!  Check out an article on the closing here

I seriously wish this had happened when I was in college.  Not because I want anyone to go out of business.  Just because it would probably have saved me about 20 of my freshman 30.  That's pounds, btw.  Not number of times I was asked out.

They don't call that XXL Pokey Sticks a DAMNIT for nothing.

If you're desperate for a replacement <s>in this time of need</s> the next time you are drunk or hungover, try the Cheese Sticks from Papa John's.  They as good as, if not better than Pokey Sticks.  AND they come with a garlic butter sauce.  I love it when things automatically come with fatty sides or sauces.  Then you can be like, "Oh, I didn't even order this!"  But you can still eat it because it's there.

College will never be the same.

June 13, 2012

Sissy Gettin' Married

My sister is getting married this weekend!!

I'm so excited and I can't wait to start off the weekend with some sisterly mani/pedis tomorrow! 
Nothing says marital bliss quite like a perfect stranger from Asia massaging your calves and making your nails shiny.

Since I can't afford to do anything drastic like hair extensions or colonics, and since it's not even my wedding, I have been sticking to a strict regimen of free samples from Kiehl's...for approximately 3 days.

I'm sure I'll be positively glowing by the time of the actualy "I Do's".

I also wrote a toast, dismissed it.  Wrote another toast, liked it.  And now, as I progressively get more and more nervous about giving it, I'm sporadically crossing off parts of it to make it shorter, so I don't drown in a pool of my own nervous sweat.

At this rate, by the time I give it it's going to be something like this:

"Hi, I'm the sister of the bride.  Love...Cheers!"
That way I can keep things short, awkward, and all about me.

So excited for dancing, laughing, and fun!!!

Rogue Vintage - Giveaway Day!

Happy Humpday Everyone!  How would you like to celebrate this joyous day with a giveaway!

My fabulous friend is hosting an uber stylish giveaway sponsored by her company Rogue Vintage.

Check out the link to the giveaway on her blog:

And while you're perusing the World Wide Web, check out her clothing website here: http://www.roguevintage.com/

Rogue Vintage Mad Men Giveaway
Image from RogueVintageblog.blogspot.com

The giveaway is inspired by Mad Men and there is some great stuff to be won! 
Who doesn't love Mad Men?!  And who doesn't like winning fabulous stuff?!

There are 4 ways to enter.  Check them out here
There's only one day left to enter so hurry!!

Secret Garden Cup

You know how some people have a "secret garden"?  Or at least some girl did in a book a when I was little...
Well I have this secret cup.

It has been sitting on top of the mailbox behind my office for almost a month.  Since I am the only one with security clearance to check the mail (read: bottom of the totem pole), I am the only one who sees this cup.

We have had rain and wind out the wazoo and it's still just perched there like a marble statue.  I'm mystified and even more frightened by how mystified I am.  I guess when you're the person responsible for dropping off and retrieving people's mail, both professional and personal, you have to believe in magic sometimes so that you don't have to face the fact that you're amounting to nothing professionally.  It's the little things.

You know how at baby showers people guess the exact date when the baby will be born?  Well how about we play a game and see who can guess when this cup will finally disappear.

Whoever gets closest or right on the money gets a $25 gift certificate to Olive Garden.  No, really.  I have one that I am dying to give away.

As far as I know it's not filled with cement so it's fair game!

Leave your guesses in the comments :)

June 12, 2012

Dead Decals & Dexter

I don't get it. 

Either this person is rebelling against the institution of family decals (in which case I salute you), or said person is starving his family to death.

Either way, these things cost money.  In which case it's an automatic lose-lose for the owner of the vehicle.

On a semi-related note (dead bodies), Dexter Season 7 comes back on in September and I'm straight freakin' because I don't have Showtime and can't convince my husband that I NEED it for at least 3 months starting in September. 

Does anyone in Wilmington have Showtime and want a friend to watch Dexter with on Sunday nights?!?!  I'll bring popcorn!
Don't worry, you have 3.5 months to decide!


For the past 2 weeks my DVR has tried not to record the Bachelorette, even though I've double-checked that it's setup at least 5 times each Monday.  It's almost like it's trying to tell me that I could be doing better things with my life.  But I don't listen.

I managed to catch the last hour of the show last night, after discovering that Miss DVR was rebelling again.  After a full hour of over-the-top seriousness, hoarse mouse voices, and bunch of gel-heads swearing on their lives that they have Emily's back, I had a revolutionary idea.  Instead of putting a bunch of serious, muscular guys with random jobs like "Mushroom Farmer" in a house to win the love of an almost-widower, why not let a normal girl with a sense of humor go on non-Disney inspired dates with other, regular guys with a sense of humor.  A little laughter never hurt anything, especially TV ratings.

Have you ever heard of the Romantic Comedy?  I hear those do pretty well.  Swap the date where Jef is being instructed on how to drink proper British Tea, and send two people, prone to laughing their asses off, to a bowling alley with pitchers of beer and pizza.  Trust me, that's a real date.  And I can tell you from lots and lots of experience that bowling plus beer = gut busting laughs, even if not an eternal love connection.  Especially if you frequent the ones in Northern Virginia that are inexplicably segregated into blacks and whites.  That's funny stuff people!  ABC take a cue.  Hell, take the idea!  Just don't send a beautiful girl with the personality of a hand towel to Bermuda and tell me it's real love.

June 07, 2012


I'm in the midst of a pretty epic treatment involving multiple-sessions of chiropractic care per week and a $25 copay each time.  I am 100% certain those copays are adding up, 50% certain it is helping, 50% certain it is a crock of shit, and 1,000,000% sure that there is a class in Chiropractor school that teaches just metaphors about backs.

A few of my favorites are, "You know, you back is like..."

- A squeaky gate that you have to oil up over time to make it open properly.
- The Tin Man.  You have to gradually oil up all of your parts before you loosen up.
- A hair part.   You have to train it over time to change sides.

All metaphors attempting to justify why it is necessary for me to come ALL the damn time to the chiropractor to help straighten out my back and lessen my sciatic nerve <s>pain</s> hell.  I'm not necessarily buying it, but I am very necessarily desperate so I'll give it a little more time.

By the way, when I interrupted the Dr. (???) to tell him that I had, in fact, successfully changed my part to the opposite side, he was astounded and very impressed.  I hope he is not as shocked at his own success.

Question of the Day: Have you ever been to a Chiropractor?  Do you believe that they work??  Do you think I'm crazy for trying it?  I'm still totally undecided.

*Clearly that is not me pictured above.  I never dress down to just my belted slacks.  In life or at the Chiropractor.

June 06, 2012

Driving Miss Ferry Confused

Yesterday I had to drive to Southport for work.  I've never been by car, and my GPS is 7 years old, so I went by Mapquest directions on the way there. 

On the way back, I decided to just go with my GPS since I wasn't in a hurry.  I went about 5 miles in the other direction before happening upon Fort Fisher Blvd, which you can only take by ferry.

Come on GPS!!  I know GPS years are like dog years and that you are very, very outdated, but throw me a bone here.  If I am about to have to drive my vehicle on to a boat for an hour+/-, I'm going to need to know that so I can load up on snacks.  I'm ok with you not knowing about the most recent traffic circle, but taking me by sea - not OK.

Needless to say I did an immediate U-turn, coming back the way I came (+ an additional 10 miles from the almost-ferry-confusion).

In other sneaky news, I just saw a car get pulled over by a light green Chevy Traverse.  That's fighting dirty, cops!  You must at least reveal yourself!

June 05, 2012

Snack Attack!

I just found a new snack.  And it is delicious!

It's extremely low in calories for the ample serving size, it comes with a full bag (Baked Lays, I'm talking to you!), and it puts Pirate's Booty to shame - in that it actually tastes like something and doesn't leave little corn nodules in your teeth.

The best part about it is that it's resealable.  It's like a chastity belt for over-eaters.  If I seal it, doesn't that mean I won't go back for seconds??  At least it's a good idea in theory.

I believe I found this in my cracker aisle, not the chip aisle, but I can't be sure.  It's in one of the two aisles and it is a must try!

June 01, 2012

Mother nature would object

Sometimes I think I only want to have boys because I already have two great names picked out, my genes and my jeans are better suited for a manly physique, and because my husband might freak out if he has to one day play Barbies and sip air-tea.

And then other times I think I only want to have boys because of things like this:

This brings a lot of terrible things to mind, like WTF is wrong with these people!? 

But mostly I wonder who the first person to instigate this fad was and how that came to happen.  To me it's like the discovering the first pineapple.  Who would ever look at it and think, "Oh yes, that spiky, prickly bulbous is going to taste like God's gift to the tropics!"

And who would ever think, "Hey, you know what would be a more streamlined way to turn into a babbling drunk mess!?  Let's soak some tampons in Vodka then put them in our vajayays!"

I guess sometimes being "creative" is actually a character flaw.  Don't try to be the Steve Jobs of getting drunk quickly.  It will not make you a millionaire.

Also, I feel bad for the person who unknowingly drinks the remnants of the tampon soaked Vodka.  I'll readily admit that I stole liquor from my parents when I was in high school, but at least I had the decency to refill the bottles with water, not feminine products.

Bitches be crazy.