June 30, 2010

Time is a tricky thang

Right now during my work hours, I'm sporting a very ridiculous watch.

I always wear a "sports" watch to work so I don't sweat in my nice watch when I work out afterwards. Unfortunately my traditional looking sports watch crapped out on me circa mid May.

$7 Walmart piece o' crap to the rescue! I'm telling you, this thing is so crappy the plastic actually smells cheap. Not to mention it's so big that it sits about 1/2 inch from wrist to watch face.

The funny part is I think my coworkers think that I think that it's actually awesome. You should see some people's faces when they catch a glimpse of it when I'm reaching in the office fridge or washing my hands in the bathroom.

I even got a "compliment" on it the other day. You know the type of compliment people give you when you catch them staring and they feel like they have to say something just because you caught them looking?

In my defense, I actually went to the mall with all intentions of getting one of those Michael Kors gold big beautiful bitches. But it ended up being just too big when I tried it on.

But I decided I shouldn't be punished just because the only part of my body that is remotely thin is my wrists.

With this heinous time telling monstrosity, I can have my ghetto fabulous $7 piece of time and eat it too!

P.S. The calendar you see is the itinerary for my bomb@$$ two week honeymoon. Wooooo hooooo for organization and new cultures!

Literary Diva

Fun fact: In addition to watching copious amounts of television, I can also read!!

Right now I'm reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, and although I'm only 130 pages into the 600+ biggun', I have to say I'M HOOKED!

I would definitely already recommend this to anyone. The style of writing is top notch. And I would know, I'm a "writer"....If diva blogs count.

Pick up a copy today and tell me your fave parts! There's no reason why we can't all be fabulous and well read ;)

You're doing it wrong

Lady Gaga, when you look better as a man than as a woman, you're doing something wrong.

Usually I don't write about Lady Gaga because I don't care about her. At all.

In fact, I have a list of the top 5 people I don't care about. And she's #2 after Dr. Phil.

But this is worth mentioning. I think she looks 99% better dressed like this Jo character than the over the top, wouldn't want to even try to be your friend in real life, persona that she portrays the rest of the time.

Sex changes probably aren't even that expensive these days. Just something to think about Lady G!

I see dead people...and unneccessary bodyguards

I'm usually not one to believe in the over-diagnosed "anxiety", "panic attacks," etc., that everyone on Earth seems to have these days.

However, I am a firm believer that Danielle from the Real Housewives of New Jersey has a classic case of unwarranted paranoia. To the point where the show is getting too hard to watch.

When she walks into Poshe clothing store in the last episode, and the person at the front desk is on the phone, she immediately assumes that someone is trying to sabotage her.

And if you don't watch the show, please know that I'm not exaggerating. That's all that happened, and Danielle declares many varieties of, "She's not going to play me like that." Or, "She will be revealed." Or, "She's going to get hers."
Listen lady, I know you live in Jersey, but you're not part of the mafia. Use real life threats like, "I am so going to unfriend her on facebook."

Also, who brings a bodyguard to 1) a cancer benefit and 2) a fashion show?? People who suffer from extreme paranoia. That's who.

I'm sure I'll be proven wrong next week when, according to the previews, Teresa tries to rip out Danielle's age-inappropriate hair extensions. But until then, I'm sticking with my diagnosis.

Homegirl is cray cray.

Sweat Equity

The only thing that makes walking to work and arriving in a full sweat worth it during the summer, is that I pass the football stadium right as the ripped players have just finished their morning practice and taken their shirts off.

Three cheers for the athletic department!

June 29, 2010

He works medium to hard for the money

Trust me when I say that I know in advance, this is going to sound mean.

But when someone lists their occupation as "Retail Manager" (i.e., Frank, from the Bachelorette), does that make anyone else think that maybe the shift supervisor at the local Verizon store is just giving himself a fancy job title?

I know stranger things have happened.

For instance, my husband was at one point a Cleanliness Maintenance Associate...aka a Janitor. Sadly, he only lasted a day and a half at the job and was forced to pursue other dreams.

Not that there's a damn thing wrong with working at Verizon. I just don't want giggly little Ali (Bachelorette) to marry Frank thinking he's a commercial real estate tycoon, and then end up watching him sling cell phones from 2-9pm Monday-Friday, and every other weekend.

Home is where the elusive magical apartment is

In Bachelorette news, I want nothing more than to see Ali Fedotowsky’s apartment.

For as many times as she’s complained about her sacrifices, specifically, “I gave up my job, my apartment! to be on this show…”, that apt better be lined in gold and infused with a metabolic increasing atmospheric pressure.

I’ve lived in an apartment before ladies and gents. I’ve even been in other people’s apartments before!

I think I can safely say that “giving up my apartment” is officially NOT that big of a sacrifice.

Giving up your children? Yes, that is a big deal. Giving up your rights to the cure for cancer? Yes, also a big deal.

Apartments? Not so much

June 28, 2010

Stupid Stuff for Women

Please check out the so called Stupidest Women's Products Ever Invented.

These are ingenious. Now I'm just wondering how we can come up with Breast Enlarging Twinkies, but can't plug a lil' oil spill!

I once was lost

Going to a grocery store you've never been to before is like being lost in the jungle.

Yesterday, after the world's most epic homemade "lazy river" debacle, I stopped at the nearest Harris Teeter.

It literally took me 20 minutes to find an onion. Not ideal.

On the plus side, however, they had 4 different free sample dips to try at the bread counter! I'd be lost anyday for a spread like that!

June 24, 2010

I am weak, hear me complain

Last night I took a workout class in which the instructor kept calling us all "athletes". Yes, ATHLETES.

Sha-no-no, lezbotron.

Let's get one thing straight.

I wasn't an athlete in high school because I sucked at every sport under the sun.

I'm not an athlete now because I'm 26 and chose not to pay $25 for a season of intramural kickball.

Let's not pretend we're something we're not.

I am not an athlete. I am a mere mortal who is weak and should be instructed as such, with TLC and many water breaks.

June 22, 2010

Budget Diva

If you are a resourceful genius, like me, do NOT waste your free cokerewards.com points on a subscription to Vogue, Traveler, or Vanity Fair magazines.

Reason: If you are a poor genius like me, you cannot afford to buy anything or go anywhere in those magazines.

My advice: Save up for Omaha Steak certificates and get your grill on for $Cheap.99 :)

Dancing with myself

In news that is only news because it happened a mere 2 months after everyone expected, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi have split up.

Maybe the relationship lost its luster because Vienna couldn't bare the sight of Jake in the jazz shoes and mock neck body shirts he wore constantly on Dancing With the "Stars".

Or maybe Jake stopped appreciating the fact that Vienna always, always looks like she just got hit by a tranquilizer dart.

Who's to say!?

All I know is that if two crazy kids (who are about 10 years apart) can't make love last after meeting on a cheesy dating show, in which one was hated by every single person and the other cried like a woman, then we're all screwed.

Rated R, for Really bad facial hair

I can't wait to see the Bachelorette next week to see who the person with a girlfriend is!!

My money is on Justin. If life has taught me nothing else, it's to never trust a man with a soul patch.

Any other guesses out there?

I hope no one tries to hurt Ali now that Kasey isn't there to guard and protect her heart, since she kindly declined his offer to "jump in, stay a while" in his heart!!

Everybody dance now! No...just me?


This weekend I achieved a simultaneous high/low point.

High point: I went to a bar and saw a lot of the super tall, super exciting UNC men's basketball players!

Low point: I asked one of them to be the other end of my invisible double-dutch rope on the dance floor...he declined.

Moral: Being the only white person on a dance floor, holding the only functioning end of an invisible jump rope is not a pretty sight.

Perhaps segregation had a another level to it that no one talks about. Perhaps it was also intended to save white people from making asses in front of themselves on the dance floor in front of way better dancers!?

June 21, 2010

Hot outside, cold inside, warm and fuzzy allover

Draping your cardigan over your shoulders, but without tying it at the neck can make you feel both regal and sophisticated. And like a little old lady.

My office usually feels like it's about 20 degrees, so I have lots of sweater placement experiments under my belt.

Try it sometime!

Tomorrow I think I'm going to see the reaction I get from tucking in an entire snap front sweater into my pants.

Quote of the Day

"In native american mythology the refridgerator is the portal to fat dead people."

June 17, 2010

Web MD

Instead of "seasonal depression", I get "post-lunchtime depression."

When that last bite of food leaves my tupperware container, it truly is the saddest part of my day, every day.

Then it's just me and my empty plastic spoon :(

Guess what?! I got a fever, and the only RX is more food!

June 16, 2010

Insane in the Membrane

If you’re like me, then you’ve been falling all 23 versions of the Real Housewives on Bravo since day one.

Thanks to DVR, I was able to watch Part 2 of the RHW of New York City reunion and then a regular episode of the RHW of New Jersey immediately following. It was very intense!

It got me to thinking, what would happen if Kelly “Batshit Crazy” Bensimmon (NYC Series)* and Danielle “I have bodyguards even though no one wants to hurt me” Staub (NJ Series) ended up in the same room together.

I literally think the world would turn to insane dust. Or, who knows, maybe just parts of the Earth would implode, causing a sink hole in the Gulf of Mexico that would spontaneously solve the oil spill debacle.

It hurts my head to even think of the two of them together, but I know I don’t want to be in that room when that meeting of the (lost) minds happens.

Why do I watch and love this garbage?! And why do people not talk more about the fact that Danielle's real name is Beverly Merrill!?

*While I think Danielle is simply the most delusional, dramatic person on Television, I really do think that Kelly is certifiably insane. It’s kind of sad :(

June 15, 2010

In case you didn't get this from last night's Bachelorette...


Kasey wants to "guard and protect" Ali's heart.
Oh, and he's insane.

Bad to the bone

Yesterday I got 3 collect calls from an inmate at a county prison. I didn't catch the name of the county, but I didn't think I knew any inmates, so I am very curious who this persistant law breaker is!

Inmate, if you're out there and you read divasayswhat.com, please note that I prefer email over collect calls!

Oh to be young!

Freshman orientation is currently going on at the University where I work (and went), and I swear these kids look like they could be wearing diapers.

Not because they look young, but because they have huge asses.

No, just kidding, it is because they are young.

It made me realize that I was that age 8 years ago! Wow that's a long time.

But at least I have done a lot of really awesome things in those 8 years.

I mean, I have successfully started a diva blog AND changed my part from the left side to the right side of my hair*!...Oh, wait...

*Changing your part is actually very hard!

It's getting hot in here!

There is officially no reason for me to wear makeup to work anymore. Walking to work in NC in the summer is a sweaty business.
I sooo want to say F you to Mama Nature.

I'd drive a Hummer to work if it had Air Conditioning, and if I had a parking space that wasn't farther away from work than my house is.

But it doesn't, and I don't.

So I will continue reporting for duty each morning lookin' a hot mess.

And I can't believe it's only June! I seriously might have to take a sabbatical in July and August, until things cool off.

June 14, 2010

The Death of the Minivan

After spending about 5 unnecessary hours in the car yesterday, I realized that I had missed something. The death of the minivan.

Not only did I see nary a minivan on the road, I also realized that I don't know a single person why owns one, nor do I know the name of the minivan for any major car companies.

It kind of made me sad knowing that this disappearance happened without so much as a funeral or even an announcement that owning a minivan was no longer socially acceptable.

So minivan, I salute you and will pour out some Hennessey tonight for you and your dead homies.

The highway and carpool lanes around the country will never be the same.

June 11, 2010

Work Mystery

With all of it's fun, awkward get-togethers, and forced shared enjoyment of life milestones, the one thing that really perplexes me about the workplace is people who forget about their food in the fridge for weeks on end.

I just do not understand the concept of forgetting about your food. 'Cause honey, if I got food to eat, you best believe I'm gone eat it.

Sure, I've seen people leave run of the mill stuff like leftover spaghetti. But sometimes people even forget about their dank leftovers from restaurants!!

That truly blows my mind. The longest I've ever gone without thinking about my food is like 10 minutes, and that's only if I'm on the phone or doing something where a snack is involved.

I wish there was a social rule that said it was ok to ask people for their food if they haven't eaten it within 2 days of bringing it to work. Maybe I'll start a petition...

June 10, 2010


If you don't already watch Jimmy Kimmel Live, you should.

It comes on late, but at least record it.

I swear it's the funniest hour of free ab exerices I've ever had, every night.

His cast of characters is second to none and his jokes are literally the bomb.com.

Do yourself a favor and tune in every night.

Es muy bueno. And even though Jimmy might not be the sexiest beast in the world, if I had to play that game "who would you date if you could date someone other than your husband", which may or may not be a real game, mine would be Jimmy Kimmel with Guillermo as a chaperone.

If you watch, you'll get it. I wouldn't lie to you people!

The world is flat...and stupid

I was just filling out a packing form at the post office, minding my own bee's wax, and I heard this from the cashier's mouth to his fellow employee:

"You know what is really missing from our culture...Flat bread!"

Really USPS Employee?! Flat Bread?!

Not an end to morbid obesity?

Not higher paid teachers?

Not an answer to our healthcare crisis?

Sometimes I think I was just sent to this Earth to hear the stupid things people say. And that's a job I do NOT take lightly.

P.S. I'm pretty sure you can buy flat bread at your local Quiznos.

Here comes the...Graduate!

You know your wedding was casual when you get a report within a week of your nuptials that the your same white wedding dress was seen on a student at her high school graduation.

Quote of the Day

"By your inflection I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but... No."

June 09, 2010

Free Idea

Someone needs to invent a special type of packaging where you just undo a string or rip off one piece of tape, and Voila! the gift is revealed.

I am very lucky to have received some absolutely lovely wedding gifts from my friends and family.
Unfortunately, though, I have not received industrial strength gloves to assist me in opening the packaging they come in.

I literally spent an hour last night trying to open 3 presents.

The whole thing is like a box within a box within a box, wrapped in bubble wrap, within another box, wrapped in wrapping paper, in another box.

And wouldn't you know, our recycling people only pick up the boxes if you break them all down into flat cardboard.
I'm not "complaining" because I love the gifts, but I doubt I'll be able to use any of them for serving until all of the cardboard and paper cuts on my hands heal.

Someone please invent this! I can't ruin another manicure!

June 08, 2010

Old News


Well this is interesting!!
The picture's not so good, but it's really mindboggling. Check it out here.
Surely if the actors wear different outfits every episode, all of these shows could afford at least a current edition of the paper!

I am woman hear me roar

Feminists might be on to something when keeping their own last name.

I'm only in phase one of changing my last name (importing my gchat contacts to me new address) and this is sooo time consuming.

I can only imagine the future hours I will spend watching bureaucracy fail at the DMV and talking to credit card representatives in other countries.

Some people say "What's in a name?" Those people have obviously not become adequately attached to their facebook and gmail identities over the past 6+ years.

Chris Harrison is the new Bernie Mac

This day just keeps getting better.

Just when I thought I couldn't love Chris Harrison anymore, he gives me this gem - a virtual Real World of former Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects who, presumably, have found nothing better to do with their lives since their first stints on the most unorganic show ever.

Something tells me this show is going to be more "getting drunk, hooking up, and sending people to the hospital" than "being fake interesting, going on ridiculously over the top dates, and exchanging thorny flowers."

That's my kind of show!
Thanks Chris Harrison, you're the best!

Sympathy for the devil

Oooh the Bachelorette.

Thank you gifting us faithful viewers with this year's best tandem low point.

Barenaked Ladies - low point for filling their "comeback" music video with a bunch of jobless, hair-gelled misfits who can't get dates in the real world and a giggly, dancing blond running down the highway.

Everyone on the Bachelorette - low point for being in your late 20's and thinking that it's even remotely cool to be in a video for the Barenaked Ladies, who debuted and, arguably, peaked 22 years ago

I know singlehood can be a lonely, cruel mistress...but you did this to yourself Bachelorette contestants. No sympathy for you!

I'm baaaaack!

Since my last blog, a few things have happened.

In this order, I did the following:

1) Got iced 5 times in one night
2) Got a wicked farmers' tan
3) Got married
4) Got to go on a 2 day "honeymoon"
5) Got 4 inches of my hair cut off
6) Got to christen my panini maker!!! Finally!

T'was a big week for Mamacita, but I'm back in action now and I am so ready to stop talking about myself, and resume talking more about the likes of Mariah Carey and the Bachelorette.

June 02, 2010

June 01, 2010


burning people's fingers and ruining people's work days since 1887.

Thanks Thomas Edison.

How about inventing a copy machine that is incapable of getting paper stuck?!?!?! Waaaah!