Hairdid? Or Hairdont?

I am getting my haircut this weekend.  If you want to see some styles I was originally considering, check out my Pinterest "Hairdid" board.  After deciding I can no longer live with a stick straight blunt cut that always ends up in a severe pony bop, I was going to ask for a "long bob".  What do you think, would that suit me?  Can I pull it off?

 

This is what I was going for:

 

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But then I got wind of this amazing creations and decided to just go all bangs, all the way.  CLIP ON BANGS

 

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These babies are severe!  It's like, "Hey.  I'm just walking along the street.  Lah de dah, dah dee dah.   BANGS!  FOREHEAD!  BANGS AND FOREHEAD!"

 

I do think it'd be fun to try fake bangs just to see what they'd look like.  However, I do not believe that anyone would actually think these are real because if it were to be that the angle of the dangle of these bangs were real, then if baby girl ever pulled her hair back she would have the most epically large forehead range this side of incest.  Bangs don't start in the middle of your skull.

 

Trust me, I used to be an expert:

 

 

I was also an expert on exceptionally small hats.

Dry Shampoo 4Eva

Dry Shampoo Saved My Life.

It's dramatic, but it's true. Have you ever heard of Dry Shampoo before? I'm pretty sure I'm behind the better part of a decade on this one, but I have to throw this out there to those lost, greasy-headed souls who need a solution. I understand you. I was you.

...until last month when I bought dry shampoo at the urging of a hair stylist who gasped in HORROR when I told her at a cocktail party that I've never had a Brazilian Blow Out and that I didn't know what dry shampoo was.

After fruitlessly looking around the hair care aisle of Target for about 30 minutes (what would a dry shampoo look like anyway?! Is it liquid? Is it powder?), I finally found a bottle of it. It turns out it's a spray, by the way. I decided to buck up and buy in the $8 range instead of the $4 range, because I loathe the smell of baby powder and just couldn't take that risk.

I lucked out and ended up with a brand that doesn't smell like baby powder. And after spraying the hellll out of my hair with it, I watched in amazement as my greasy limp noodles were refreshed into a dry, voluminous head of hair.

Now I use it in the evening if I have an event and don't have time to shower. (It should be noted that an "event" in my life is drinking wine on someone's back porch with finger foods...but still, gotta freshen up the mane).

I also have a confession. This morning, after being way too tired and lazy after last night's concert, I didn't shower this morning! I just sprayed more dry shampoo in. This is noteworthy because this is just NOT something I can get away with. My hair is so naturally oily that it starts getting greasy before it even dries after I shampoo it. No joke.

Now, after I work out today, I can shower without feeling over-productive. (I really hate taking 2 showers in one day.)

Is it weird that my hair looks better 2 days old with dry shampoo than it does fresh out the shower? Wait, don't answer that!

Now, if only they made the dry shampoo version of soap, I'd never have to shower again!

Smokey Hair Everywhere

Last night my husband and I put on our Sunday best least disgusting jeans and went on over to Great Clips to get tandem hairdids and cash in a coupon...$7.99 just can't be beat.

Luckily the hair cut was unremarkable, unlike the Peter Pan haircut of early 2011, the non-hair cut of the 2010, the bleeding eyebrow incident of this summer, and/or the "Hello, my name is Angel. How may I service you" solicitation of 2006. One thing that was not unremarkable, however, was the pungent smell of cigarette smoke on Ebony's hands.

There is really nothing like getting a haircut from a smoker. Every time that stranger's hand caresses your face, you smell like a cigarette is up your nose. And in this case, that cigarette smell was attached to 2 inch long fake nails. So there was even more capacity for stank storage on each digit.

She was nice though so it wasn't that big of a deal. Just kind of gross. Oh and it cost $8 to get my haircut...so there's that.

Last thought: Does anyone else think the name Ebony is borderline hilarious. It's like if I was named Ivory, just because I'm white. Or me naming my child "Genetically prone to sarcasm." Isn't that a little too obvious?

Hair Do me wrong

Did I ever tell you about the time I got the best/worst haircut of my life?

It actually wasn’t best or worst because of the cut of the hair. It was because of the cutter of the hair.

I have had your obligatory heinous haircuts throughout the years – accidental undercuts, redneck layers, pseudo-mom do’s, etc.

But this one was just your average trim…mixed in with a few extra fabulous pieces.

I went with my mom to get her haircut from the same man she has been going to for decades. His name is Steve, he wears Wranglers, and has a mustache and a wife, but I don’t know if I can ever believe that a man who cuts women’s hair is not gay.

Especially when I met the guy who cut my hair. He was borderline fabulous, with a pitchy voice and a gay lisp. But he also has a wife…so who knows about that.

All I know is that 2 minutes into my shampoo, he became completely obsessed with reshaping my eyebrows. He asked once. I said no. He asked again. I said maybe next time. Then he all but refused to cut my hair unless I let him shape my eyebrows.

That’s when I relinquished and went back to the beauty corner. 5 minutes later, after just one “Oops… there’s a little blood here,” I had reshaped eyebrows.

Then, after cutting my hair while making many, many puns about my last name (“I hope you aren’t in a RUSH!!”), he asked me if he could braid my hair since I was going to the gym.

I said yes because the only thing I love more in life than Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, is people playing with my hair. We had the best conversation, I was pumped about my new brows, and I even bought a product when checking out because I liked the guy so much. (I NEVER buy product.)

That’s when I saw the total, $89.00. I have paid more than $20 for a haircut approximately 2 other times in my life, but I felt good about this one because I liked the stylist so much.

Sure, I walked out of there wearing French-braid pigtails and bloody eyebrows, but it was worth it for the company of the flaming non-gay man (FNGM).

Cut to an hour later. My mom informing me that her haircut only cost $40 and my dad alerting that I am a sucker with "flat" eyebrows. That FNGM had charged me for the whole kit and caboodle, including the forced eyebrow reshaping and the voluntary braided pigtails!!!

I would have started crying if I didn’t feel so dead inside. I was jipped by one of the most sacred relationships a woman can have – with her hairdresser.

I am never venturing outside of Great Clips for as long as my limp locks can handle it. It may be completely devoid of any scalp massaging or even shampoo, but I know that Great Clips will never promise me more than a few sprays from a spray bottle and cut from a kind lady whose baby is not related to her husband.

Hair Drama

Anyone who knows me knows that I like to redo my fabulously fancy and flattering average blah ponytail at least 15 times before settling on a 'do.

Today my hairday was so finicky that I had to blow through 4 used rubberbands and finally go to a new-old pack to find the perfect elasticity. That's when I made the overdue discovery that Scuni has been taking itself way too seriously ever since I bought this pack of rubberbands back in 2000. And for you layman/bald people, that is pronounced Scrunchi. I think it's a German thing.

Dream. Imagine. Create.

Really Scuni? You're a rubberband. As far as I can tell you are just a circle that makes my greasy hair look less greasy for a little bit longer.

Here's a new slogan idea: Scuni: An elastic circle for yout hair.

Less is more when you are a circle...unless you are the sun?

Dream Weaver

Last night I had the distinct pleasure and surprise of looking at my mom's calendar and seeing that she was due for her hair weave on August 16 at 11:30am.

You can imagine my surprise to learn that my white mother's short hair is actually a faux head of hair typically intended for black girls.

But then she explained to be that they are going to "weave" the color into her hair, hence the name "hair weave" in her schedule.

I then had the pleasure of explaining to her what a true weave was - you know, fake hair made of plastic. I guess both the hair color process and the fake strands can be considered a weave, but I told that her that in case she died an untimely death and someone got a hold of her calendar, it'd be better to be remembered for having a fake hair color than having plastic hair. She promptly changed her schedule to say Hair Color.

You learn something new everyday!