Valetine's Day Massacre

Happy Valentine's Day. AKA, the most perpetually dissapointing holiday every year, right behind New Year's Eve.

I'm not celebrating this year because I think it's a stupid holiday designed to sell cards, flowers, and chocolates. And to make single people feel alone and hostile toward their married breathren, when every other day of the year they got nothin' but love.

Also, because last year I went all out, made Indian food from scratch, bought a bottle of bubbly, and made pink waffles from scratch. Only to end up alone, eating 4 servings of Chicken Tikka Masala, drinking most of a bott of champagne, and make pink waffles the next morning with a very terrible headache.

This week I'm treating February 14 as what it really is:

-A Tuesday

-Another day in the way of my weekend

-Another day in which I have to plausible reason to eat a box of chocolates.

Btw, did you know that Valentine's day, and more specifically Saint Valentine, had nothing to do with romance or chocolate fondue? It actually stems from the death of two ancient Romans, both named Valentine, who were executed (one even beheaded!) on February 14th for their attempts to convert Emperor Claudius II to Christianity in 3rd Century A.D.

On that note, happy Valentine's Day lovers!

Another Year

Happy New Years to All!

This year I have decided, that in order to assure 100% success in my resolutions, I am just going to resolve to keep on eating and drinking. That way I know I will be successful and achieve my goal to nth degree.

Why set yourself up for failure by saying that you're going to lose 10 pounds or quit drinking soft drinks? Just go buy some Coke and a slammin' sammy and be happy to settle.

One new thing is that I am working full-time now so I guess I can aspire to be a powerful business woman. But I have found in the last 6 years that your rise to the top is directly disproportionate to your proximity to the front desk. This make the odds of my corporate takeover less than promising. Only time will tell.

In semi-related news, I think New Years Eve is the single worst holiday of the year. Next year I'm either going balls to the wall and partying my ass off, or putting on my Christmas pajama pants, renting footloose, and eating Chinese food on my couch. I just can't go half-way. It's not in my genes.

What's new for you in 2012? My sister is getting married this year!! And I might get a dog if I can get over my need to wash my hands everytime I pet a K9. There isn't enough lotion in the world to make that many handwashes ok.

Mo' Money Mo' Fast Food

Oh My Food.

What a gluttonous holiday I have had. Many snacks, many drinks, and many, many calories.

What about you? I know I wasn't the only one. For instance, the person who stole my credit card two days before Christmas also had a lot to eat at Church's Chicken, Burger King, and Wendy's, all in one night! Then he/she chased it down with a $344 package from DirecTV.

While I cringe at the possibility of losing my hard earned money to some jerk who couldn't afford his own Whopper, I take a little comfort knowing that whoever stole from me probably had one serious case of diarehha after eating at 3 gross fast food chains in one night.

'Tis the season, to steal from innocent strangers. Ooooh wait, no. STEALING IS NOT NICE!

I am just happy to have some backup Christmas cash and some fruits and veggies back in my life. Yule Tide makes me chubby.

Merry Merry Very Fat

It's the most wonderful time of the year!! Oooh how I love the holidays!

It's a little strange this year, what with it being 75 degrees yesterday and all. But that didn't stop me from buying my first ever REAL Christmas tree in my first ever home. There she is pictured above. Ain't she a beaut?! Obviously I'm in need of a better tree topper, so if you want to buy me an Angel or a beautiful Star I'm currently accepted such things. Santa's hat kind of looks like a limp bizkit as a tree topper.

How was everyone's Thanksgiving? I ate way too much, as usual, and felt like a fat bag of poo when I got home Sunday. My mother in law is a great cook and she always makes so much food. Think Paula Dean who somehow has the will power to not eat her own creations and never gains weight. Her 4 boys, being the non-food-hysterical women that they are, can overlook the cookies in the jar and the leftover stuffing in the fridge, because they are just used to it. I, on the other hand, spent the 3 days I was at their house sneaking Hamburger Sliders as snacks (!!!!!!) and asked about the leftover mashed potatoes so many times that I had to be asked to stop talking.

It didn't help that, as I alluded to in my last post, I wrongly thought I had lost weight recently. It turned out the my scale wasn't zeroed and I'd actually gained a few pounds. Perhaps my floor is just sinking from the Birthday poo explosion?

It's funny how the way one feels about him/herself is so psychological. I was walking around the last few weeks like I was some hot piece of ass, all confident and slim and whatnot. Then, just by realizing I was a few pounds heavier than I thought, with no other factors changing, I immediately start schlepping around like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, feeling all fat and stumpy.

Oh well, time to start fresh this week! In preparation for a full month of feasting in December. DAMMIT! Oh wait...I love the holidays, I forgot...Such an emotional time for crazy people.

Boo. Hoo.

Happy Day After Halloween. Did you dress up?

I went as a girl who accidentally got high from chemical fumes while her bathtubs were being reglazed and she was stuck at home all day. Then I changed into a costume of a girl that got mad at the grip of kids that showed up at my door, at 5pm, dressed as NOTHING, and took 99% of all of the candy I bought.

Granted, it was a rookie mistake to let kids grab instead of doing a bag drop (I am new at passing out candy), but still. One kid told me he was a spy kid. We was just wearing a wind breaker. Another told me he was a snake and was wearing no costume whatsoever. Don’t spit in my face and tell me it’s raining. And for damn sure don’t steal all my Reese’s cups.

I know kids just want nice candy, but at least dress up as SOMETHING! Seriously, even bring a pencil and tell me you’re a writer. None of this windbreaker, spy kid crap.

I hate Halloween. But mostly I just hate my inability to not binge on candy.

Devastacion

6 de Mayo is decidedly less fun than 5 de mayo.

Especially when you are hungover and have to be a parking attendant for 9 hours.

Ole!

Happy Cinco de Mayo Todos Las Divas!!

I am going to celebrate tonight with what I like to call a Divarita! (Which is an exact rip off of the Skinny Girl Margarita. Low cal recipe here.)

I totally shouldn't drink tonight, because I just had the realization that I will be in a "drinking situation" every single day from tomorrow until May 22. Ay ya ya :(

But what can I say? I'm a sucker for a good Mexican themed holiday!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Whomp whomp

Wow, we made it through another societal pariah known as Valentine's Day.

I'm convinced this holiday was invented to make single people feel crappy, and to remind married people how absolutely clueless their spouses are.

How was your Vday? Did you do anything special with your loved one? Or did you partake in an all-singles love-hating event?

Love is waaaaay up in the air

This is really a cute Valentine's Day present I think :) And definitely unique.

Living Social: Name a star after the one you love!

If you want to really show that special someone that they send you to the moon, and if you have a small budget to work with, why don't you consider naming a star after him or her?!

Call me a simpleton, but I would seriously be so cuted out if my husband ever thought of something that creative. Instead, I'm 99% sure he will not even remember the holiday. Even though I'm making him red velvet cake brownies. Even though it is the 6 year anniversary of us meeting for the first time!

Last year he gave me a box of chocolates. I was shocked at the gesture because he does not do stuff like that, ever. It was so sweet! He bought them all by himself he said!

Then I found the post-it note stuck on the side of the trash can that said, "G, give this to M on Valentine's Day. Love, Mom!" BUSTED!

I'm def not going to remind him of the holiday and see if he does anything. I'll report back Monday. ;)

Party Hardly

Oh New Years Eve. The time for getting no sleep, waking up feeling sick, and not knowing how this happened...

That all happened to me this NYE, but not because of too much partying.

My husband and I both got a celebratory case of food poisoning. And a subsequent 3 hours of sleep that night. Don't they say food poisoning is supposed to be a 24 hour thing? Because it's been over 48 hours and I'm still too scared to eat anything.

The good news is I've got quite the jumpstart for my weight loss goal! And, as usually happens with food poisoning, I also have a new list of foods I won't be eating for at least 6 months, which should help me lose the rest of the weight.

Said foods include, but are not limited to, ground beef, steak, blue cheese (especially blue cheese), gravy, and most definitely NOT crabcakes. It really does pain me to even type those words.

And just to make the situation even more ideal, we had to drive 5.5 hours the next day to get home. That was a really fun carride.

Cheers to my first NYE being married, and my first tandem food poisoning with my mate. May there be zero more times of that in the future!

Editor's note: This post is not sponsored by Charmin, but they can thank my household for the successful Q1 this year

Diveats - Homemade Egg Nog!

Homemade egg is better than bottled. It's official.

I made this recipe so I could enjoy a lighter version of this holiday treat and it was DELICIOUS. It tastes even better knowing that you aren't drinking heavy cream and whole milk.

I recommend this fo sho divas!

The whipped egg whites make it taste like a milkshake. Check out the step by step genesis above (in reverse picture order).

It's a must make for the holiday season!

(I also quadrupled the alcohol and used bourbon instead of rum, because I'm crazy like that. 1 and 3/4 cup was the perfect amount of alcohol).

Happy Holidays!

Ho Ho Ho-bag

I really want to be able to participate in my office's "tacky Christmas sweater" party this Friday, but all of that clothing is so expensive.

I went seeking heinousness yesterday and all of the good sweaters and shirts were upwards of $35.00. Nevermind the ones that incorporated various animal prints. Those were around $50!!! That is just too much to pay for a one-time-wear in my poor person opinion.

However, as I was browsing I also found this sexy little number above.

Can you even imagine how that would go over at a workplace function?

I say forget being the sexy nurse, the slutty cop, and the whorey kangaroo for Halloween. The new "it" thing for dressing up should be to play the role of the holiday office ho-bag.

You may lose all respect, and most likely your job, but damnit if people won't remember you for years to come! That's more than a lot of people can say for their workplace.

I suggest even wearing it with regular work slacks, so people will think you actually might be serious.

Life is just so much more entertaining with a giant pink elephant in the room!

Don't Cry for Me Green Giant

Something hysterical happened at Target yesterday. And I don't mean hysterically funny.


After waiting in line (for a long time) behind a nice, smiley woman wearing all denim, she started putting her items on the counter. Water, TP, standard Target purchases, and then...like a knife through my heart...a Just for One Green Giant Broccoli and Cheddar.


I noticed immediately after that that she was not wearing a wedding ring, and she was about 50 years old.


Why, Oh Why, do they have to call it Just for One!?


Maybe because it's the holidays or maybe because I'm crazy, but the second I got in my car I burst into tears thinking about that lady.


Thinking about that denim loving lady eating a Just for One all by herself over the holidays was just too much to handle.


My husband tried to make me feel better by telling me she was probably either a career-minded woman who didn't want a husband, or a lesbian on a diet. I chose to believe him, but it hasn't been my experience in the past that woman who love their careers more than men also love wearing Canadian tuxedos.


Either way, I'm going to be kind to everyone this holiday season because you never know who could need a pick-me-up!

Looooong Week

What is it about long weekends that makes the following short weeks such an emotional rollercoaster?!

Tuesday evening, when I realized I only had 3 more days of work left, I'm going to be honest, I felt downright smug about it, like I was the queen of the world.

Now, an eternity later, it's still only Thursday!! Friday 5pm get here now!

It's all just too much for the everyday diva. I'm convinced 3 day work weeks are the only solution.

God Bless America!

Happy 4th of July everyone! I hope you all have a fun long weekend of eating burgers, drinking cold beers, and magically not gaining any weight.

I'ma be at the beach doing nothing that involves data entry or sitting in an office chair.

P.S. Doesn't this scary looking bald eagle look like the patriotic, avian version of Mike Tyson?

USA!!!!!