September 21, 2011

Hair Do me wrong

Did I ever tell you about the time I got the best/worst haircut of my life?

It actually wasn’t best or worst because of the cut of the hair. It was because of the cutter of the hair.

I have had your obligatory heinous haircuts throughout the years – accidental undercuts, redneck layers, pseudo-mom do’s, etc.

But this one was just your average trim…mixed in with a few extra fabulous pieces.

I went with my mom to get her haircut from the same man she has been going to for decades. His name is Steve, he wears Wranglers, and has a mustache and a wife, but I don’t know if I can ever believe that a man who cuts women’s hair is not gay.

Especially when I met the guy who cut my hair. He was borderline fabulous, with a pitchy voice and a gay lisp. But he also has a wife…so who knows about that.

All I know is that 2 minutes into my shampoo, he became completely obsessed with reshaping my eyebrows. He asked once. I said no. He asked again. I said maybe next time. Then he all but refused to cut my hair unless I let him shape my eyebrows.

That’s when I relinquished and went back to the beauty corner. 5 minutes later, after just one “Oops… there’s a little blood here,” I had reshaped eyebrows.

Then, after cutting my hair while making many, many puns about my last name (“I hope you aren’t in a RUSH!!”), he asked me if he could braid my hair since I was going to the gym.

I said yes because the only thing I love more in life than Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, is people playing with my hair. We had the best conversation, I was pumped about my new brows, and I even bought a product when checking out because I liked the guy so much. (I NEVER buy product.)

That’s when I saw the total, $89.00. I have paid more than $20 for a haircut approximately 2 other times in my life, but I felt good about this one because I liked the stylist so much.

Sure, I walked out of there wearing French-braid pigtails and bloody eyebrows, but it was worth it for the company of the flaming non-gay man (FNGM).

Cut to an hour later. My mom informing me that her haircut only cost $40 and my dad alerting that I am a sucker with "flat" eyebrows. That FNGM had charged me for the whole kit and caboodle, including the forced eyebrow reshaping and the voluntary braided pigtails!!!

I would have started crying if I didn’t feel so dead inside. I was jipped by one of the most sacred relationships a woman can have – with her hairdresser.

I am never venturing outside of Great Clips for as long as my limp locks can handle it. It may be completely devoid of any scalp massaging or even shampoo, but I know that Great Clips will never promise me more than a few sprays from a spray bottle and cut from a kind lady whose baby is not related to her husband.

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