I Hate My Hair

It must have been a painfully slow night for TV this past Saturday:

 

 

I mean, I do too, but no one wants to watch a half hour about that nonsense.  Talk about first world problems!

Showtime is No Time

About 3 years ago I did a trademark, jump-the-gun, over-eager, Marilyn move.  Recap here.

 

Basically, AT&T Uverse dropped Food Network and I dropped AT&T Uverse immediately thereafter.  And then they picked it back up, like 4 hours later.

 

I felt borderline psychotic, but I was already out the installation fee for the new provider (Time Warner Cable), and I had made such a big fuss about it to Grant, defending my craziness and hastiness, that I had to stick to my guns and not look back to AT&T.

 

Flash forward almost 3 years later.  Now Time Warner Cable is giving me the business!  And not good business.

 



Source



 

I came home from a trip to Boston a couple of weeks ago, ready to settle in to my couch with just enough daylight left to not get too scared, and watch my beloved Dexter.

 

Only there was no Dexter recording!  And there was no Dexter on the Guide.  And there was no Showtime on the whole damn TV!

 

Source

 

I called TWC to figure out what the hell was going on.  The automated recording told me and I'm sure millions others that, due to disputes with Showtime, TWC no longer offers Showtime for the time being.

 

De

 

Va

 

Station

 

As it pertains to Dexter, I was sad, disappointed, and inconvenienced. 

 

As it will pertain to Homeland come September, I will be inconsolable. 

 

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Oh no big deal.  It's only my favorite show on television.  It's only the single non-filler show that Grant and I actually love to watch together.  It's only the best drama on TV.  Which is weird because I don't even like things to be dramatic!!!

 

This is the worst thing to happen to TV since 90210 ended.

 

The only thing worse than losing Homeland would be losing Bravo.  Give me the Real Housewives of Everywhere, or give me death.

 

Time Warner Cable - When will you have mercy on our TV-addicted souls!?

The Price is Wrong Bob!

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What a bizarre and positively idiotic way to get busted for fraud:

 

Postal worker claiming disability benefits busted after appearing on The Price is Right - and spinning the wheel twice

Another person shaming the great state of North Carolina was found guilty of fraud after claiming that she could no longer work because of a disability...then appearing on the Price Is Right and getting caught red handed spinning the "big wheel". 

 

Oh, and she was caught zip lining.  That is just blatant disregard for the law.  And for one of summer's greatest pastimes, as long as we are pointing fingers.

 

Bob, what's behind curtain #1 - A DUMBASS!

 

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It doesn't say if she won any prizes on the game show.  But we will see if she wins any time in prison in September when she is sentenced.

 

Kids, don't lie.  Don't cheat.  And don't go on national TV to spin a big wheel if you have already conned the Government to pay for your disability.  You can't have your cake full of lies and win a free car too.

 

Fun fact - My 8th grade History teacher really did win a free car on the Price is Right!

 

 

Hip Hip Hooray!

Tonight marks a great night!  For it will be the first one in over a month that I don't have to worry about watching baseball or a political debate.

 

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Sadly, the Cardinals lost the playoffs last night.  While Grant is semi-devastated because his beloved Cards lost, I am semi-elated that the yearly struggle of tolerating baseball viewing in my house is over!  Those games last FOR.EVER.  And the fact that this fell on the same night that the last political debate occurred is just the big ol' cherry on top. 

 

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Back to the Nightly News and the Real Housewives of Everywhere! 

And back to Grant going to bed 4 hours earlier than me.  Which is just to say that he goes to bed super early and I cannot, ever, make myself go to bed at a reasonable time.  One day I'll learn!

Blue for Jesus

I was in Atlantic Beach last weekend for a beautiful wedding.  Before heading out to the ceremony Saturday morning, I watched a little TV. 

 

WTF

I ran across a station on which a woman, in overalls, with a blue wig on, was translating a message about Jesus's love into sign language.

 

Now I totally get the general premise of this idea - Obviously people who are deaf should be able to watch TV too.  A basic right is a basic right.  I don't care who you are, you gotta watch TV!

 

But here's what I can't wrap my mind around.  Why must one wear a colored wig to translate?  Why would one ever wear denim overalls on Television?

 

And most puzzling, why is Jesus being portrayed as an Indian surfer who just happens to be wearing a burlap vest?

 

So many questions, so little sense.  And so much more of the color blue than is necessary.

Don't Be Tardy

Yesterday I got on the couch to watch the first episode of Kim Zolciak's "Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding".  Brilliant, by the way.

Grant kept giving me the dirtiest look like I was CRAZY for getting excited for this.  Which I probably am, but that is an entirely different story. 

I finally asked him why he was being so strict because he watches shows about people voluntarily getting stuck in the woods for a month.  This was just standard trash for me.

As it turns out, he misread the abbreviated title on the DVR as "Don't Be a Tard" and assumed I was just a really bad person.

Sure, considering content maybe the titles could be interchangeable.  But give a girl some credit.  I would never, ever watch a show called "Don't Be a Tard".  Unless of course Kim Zolciak was in it!!  Then it'd record it every week. :)

By the by, how is that woman pregnant again already!?  She is one fertile myrtle!

Ba-Na-Nas

Last night I watched my first full episode of The Rachel Zoe Project. And, like her, I LITERALLY DIE.

She and her husband and her entourage are the post ridiculously over the top, dramatic, divas I’ve ever seen on television. So over the top, in fact, that I actually respect it.

I love that A) She is so skinny that she “keeps forgetting I’m pregnant” and B) Her husband is not afraid to tell her that if her new clothing line fails she’s just going to be “in her 50s with a bunch of kids”. This is kind because she’s not even 40, and supportive because they are his kids too.

Everything she says is “Bananas”, “My life”, or “Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God.” I wish I could get away with being that dramatic on an everyday basis. But then again I don’t know anything about fashion, my husband doesn’t flat-iron his hair, and I probably eat Rachel’s body weight on any given day.

Yay!

I love a good TV show!

Last night I watched 2 new shows that were hilarious and sentimental. That is pretty much all I want in life.

First up during the 10pm spot was "Up All Night" with Christina Applegate and Will Arnett. It is a hilarious comedy about new parents trying to keep it real despite the fact that they have a baby.

Favorite character: Maya Rudolph as Ava, the ridic Oprah-esque talk show host.

Favorite quote: "I'm sooo hungover." "Well, you know who's not!? THAT BABY!"

Second, at 10:30pm, was "Free Agents". While Frank Azria has always had a soft spot in my heart, this only made me love him more. So far it's like a hilarious romantic story. Yes please!

I thought these were both uniquely engaging shows for a sitcom. They made me laugh, and even made me tear up a little. I did not want them to end! And now I'm tired as hell but that's the price I pay for being a dedicated TV-addict. It was worth it for these great finds.

I am already excited for next Wednesday...and subsequently dreading Thursday morning!

SMG

Anyone see the previews for The Ringer on the CW? Well it premieres tonight at 9pm, and it features a main character named Siobhan. Yes, that’s really how it’s spelled.

The only thing that would make me happier than Sarah Michelle Gellar making her TV comeback as a character named Siobhan (pronounced, Shivon), would be if Whitney Houston made her music comeback by singing the theme song to the show – “My Name is Not Siobhan”…It’s funny because the show is about a case of mistaken identity (her "name is not" Siobhan)…And because it’s a terrible name.

I know I’ll be tuning in!

Bachelor NonLessons

The more I think about the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows, the more I think they have got be the most unrealistic portrayal of real life love that is legally allowed by the FCC.

First of all, I love that at the end of their 3 month courtship, they start waxing nostalgic about when they first met…remembering when their brand new fiancé “first got out of that limo…” That is so not real life or a long time to date.

My first meeting with my now-husband is more like, “I remember when we both got drunk at a Fraternity cocktail which we were set up on, I played the tambourine with the all-black band, and we both bonded about being closeted drunk-smokers when we ran into each other (whilst hiding from each other) smoking a cig.” That romantic story has nothing to do with limos, that’s for sure.

Also, the bachelor/bachelorettes only date for 3 months before getting engaged. That is just stupid. I dated my husband for 5 years, have been married for 1 year and some change, and I’m still trying to make sure I like him.

Bachelor series, you are giving today’s impressionable youth and emotional young woman a very skewed version of what love is like in real life. It doesn’t involve limousines, the guy that agree to date you don’t really have 6 packs or agree to drink champagne with you, and, worst of all, Chris Harrison almost never shows up.

Love takes time fools. And real people are usually fatter than people on TV.

Oh the irony

According to this article, Chris Hansen has been caught by a hidden camera sting cheating on his wife with a 30 year TV reporter from Florida.

That's the same Chris Hansen that catches old pervs tricking little girls on the Internet into meeting them for sexual encounters on the disgustingly addicting show "To Catch a Predator".

This is ironic, not because it's the same as bringing condoms and a 6-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade to an innocent little girl, but because it's another clueless man getting caught being a douche on a hidden camera.

"Do You Know Who I am?" Yes, you're Chris Hansen and you just got beat at your own game, dumbass.

I see London, I see Wimbledon...

I've been watching some of the Wimbledon Tournament today, in between unpacking and figuring out my new life.

I have noticed a major problem in the tennis community. I know these players, women in particular, have coaches, trainers, agents, and sponsors...So where is the member of that entourage that lets them know that millions and millions of viewers across the world can see their nipples?

I watched a 2 hour match between two women, whose names I cannot pronounce or remember, and for the entire time I can see the exact outline of both of their nipples. That's 2 hours, 4 nipples, and infinite confusion.

Maybe part of figuring out my new life will involve inventing some sort of sports bra that doesn't expose players' boobs to the entire Universe. Applications for partners currently being excepted. Experience a plus.

Nerd Alert!

Yesterday at the gym, after a hilarious episode of Ellen, Judge Judy came on the TV.

I asked the guy next to me if I could change the station, because who watches Judge Judy?! Well sonofabitch if he didn't say, "No, I'm watching this."

That is not a normal thing for a guy to publicly admit. I made sure he paid attention the whole time so he didn't punish me for no reason.

If you have to watch Judge Judy for some sick reason, do it in the privacy of your own home.

Ice Loves Coco

There is just pretty much nothing about this article that isn't awesome. See the article here.

My favorite line is, "Coco wears full make-up and acrylic heels as she lifts weights in her private gym." And why the hell not, I say!

Don't tell anyone, but I watched the show last night. It was mildly entertaining. But what struck me the most was that Coco really is a down-to-earth, traditional wife. They seem really in love and devoted to each other.

So if Coco wants to have the world's biggest ass and dress like a stripper, more power to her! As long as she is loved and respected by her man, she should go on with her bad self.

Seriously though, look at the article. If nothing else, at least see the pictures. Homegirl is Curvaceous with a capital C!

Extreme Makeover: Skin Removal Edition

Has anyone else been watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition??

I hate to admit that I am, but summer TV is the worst. I'm desperate.

Both episodes I've seen have started out inspiring and then ended in a shocking way...Skin Removal Surgery.

That just kind of seems not in keeping with the shows alleged mission of "Incredible Transformations" through diet and exercise. From what I gather at this point, the contestants have to lose enough weight to be eligible for the skin removal surgery.

That just seems like kind of a wierd reality show prize?! Anyone else tuning in? I kind of like it, but I don't see this show getting renewed. The trainer isn't really mean or emotional enough to be that entertaining.

Heeeeey Dude!

The other day I saw a dead ringer for Kelly Brown, aka Brad from Nickelodeon's first original live action television series "Hey Dude".

I immediately started wondering what ol' Brad had been up to since her days as the foxy horse trainer from 1989-1991.

Because, as you know, most people who have hit shows in their teens or twenties like that go on to have a hilarious string of failed movies and cancelled sitcom Pilots. And usually some sort of drug problem. Thank goodness Zack Morris is the exception.

Not Kelly Brown! Homegirl starred in 61 episodes of "Hey Dude" and never acted again.

She must have really not liked that Mr. Ernst! Either that or she got irreversible chaffing from her chaps and was shunned from Hollywood.

Also MIA since "Hey Dude": Buddy Ernst, aka Josh Tygiel.

Footwear to nowhere

Last week I was watching the Home Shopping Network flipping through channels on TV when I came across an infomercial for these shoes.

Now I want to call these shoes ugly, but I'm afraid that's not a strong enough description.

To me these shoes are not even worthy of the world's most bunion-riddled, corn-having footsies.

I would rather walk barefoot across hot coals then put these fugs on my feet.

"Lace Up Jazz Shoes"? No thanks. They looked bad enough when I was actually doing jazz dancing in the 5th grade.

Check them out online here, because the picture above doesn't do them justice. This picture makes them look freaking awesome compared to how they look in the "Cognac" and "Black" options.

The funniest part about the infomercial, besides Steve Madden himself associating his actual face with these disasters, is that he described them as both "Annie Hall" and "Weekend getaway shoes".

Question Steveo: Where the hell are you "getting away"? Do you summer at the fugly camp for paupers? Because that is what those shoes make me think of. That, and sweeping chimneys.

Best In Smoke, No Dogs Allowed

As you know, I am obsessed with the Food Network. My husband hates it mostly, but if there’s a good show about meat or grilling, he will humor me and tune in.

So I was very excited to see a preview for a new grilling show that I hoped we could both watch. He told me to record it and so I did. I couldn’t remember the exact name of it but knew it was something about “Pit Master” or “Smokeshow” or something like that.

When I found “Pit Boss” on the list, I thought “BINGO!” Finally something we can watch together.

Saturday morning finally came. After stalking the allusive Season 3 second disc of “Dexter” that refuses to come in on Netflix and is being held hostage at the local Blockbuster, we were so happy to have Pit Boss to watch. We have absolute nothing in common when it comes to Television preferences.

He only likes baseball. I like anything except for baseball.

Well you can imagine my delight when I play the first episode and realize that it is this show.

A show about a midget who tames and rescues Pit Bulls. First of all, womp womp. Second of all, how the hell is this even a show!? I don’t want to see a show about midgets or pit bulls. And I definitely don’t want to see them together.

Seriosuly, what are chances?! I laughed so hard I cried. And then I got really bored because I didn't have anything to watch.

It turns out the show is really called “Best in Smoke” and it premiers this Sunday. Let’s try this again!

Lost, Never to be found again

My husband and I just finished a 2 month long journey in what can only be described as a Lost binge.

We watched the whole series from start to finish in a little less than 2 months.

Just to put that into perspective, there are 160 episodes, each lasting 43 minutes.

That's 6880 minutes. AKA, almost 115 hours, or 5 whole days, of my life that was spent watching fake people on a fake island that makes no sense whatsoever.

And I loved every minute of it.

Watching something for that long, in addition to being totally ridiculous, can also really mess with your mind! I had so many Lost dreams that I started to confuse reality. And yesterday I heard a phantom theme song while I was showering.

So it's probably best that it ended, but now I know how Jimmy Kimmel felt when it was over for him. It's really devastated.

Nonetheless I totally recommend it!! Netflix rules and Lost is 4eva!

My Strange Addiction - Am I getting punked?

I am pretty sure I'm getting Punked, because there is no way these "strange addictions" are real.

Last night I watched an episode in which one woman is addicted to eating toilet paper and doesn't think there is anything wrong with it (!), and another is addicted to sleeping with her hair dryer.

I semi-believe the toilet paper thing, just because I saw the woman eat a lot of it, but that hair dryer thing is too hard to believe. Just turn it off!

When my husband realized what I was watching, the disappointment in his eyes was almost heartbreaking.

I don't think I'll tune into My Strange Addiction again because I don't really understand the addictions and they really gross me out.

And because other notable addicitons in other episodes include:

- Eating household cleaner

- Eating detergent and soap

- Hair pulling and eating the follicles...yeeeeeeckkk!

- Wearing a fur suit

- Eating couch cushions (Adele has eaten over 3 couches in her life...what?! how?! why?! no!)

- Silicon wife

- Scab picking (I'm almost crying while typing this)

- Rocks (not that dramatic, but I just couldn't end this post on scab picking)