NOclace

Sometimes I randomly start watching the Bachelor.  I haven't taken the bait in a few years, but this season, I'm hooked.

Chris Soules is a hotty with a body, I love that he's a farmer, and I can't get enough of his cute little giggle.

He was, seemingly, the perfect man.  I mean...

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That is, until last night's pool party.   Isn't it amazing that someone can seem so normal and natural and then, out of nowhere, they reveal that they are wearing a necklace.

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Man jewelry.  Can't live with it.  End of sentence.

I still love him.  He's a sweetheart and so easy on the eyes.  But if I know one thing to be true, it is that Men + Jewelry does not = Sexy.

Not News, News

Am I crazy for thinking that this is the most non-news news I've ever seen on a magazine cover?

 

 

 

That's just swell that you are going to wait until marriage to have sex, but why does the whole world need to know that?  If anything, you'd think that someone conservative enough to wait until "I Do" to have sex would also be conservative enough to not broadcast that on an internationally circulated magazine cover.  But clearly you would be wrong!

 

And guess what?  A lot of people wait until they are married to have sex.  They are called virgins.  And they don't need everyone to know.  Being a "born again virgin" is 100% not a real thing.  You shouldn't be getting all this credit, Sean, when it's the real virgins who do the hard work.

 

Go back to featuring the real news, People magazine, like how Miley Cyrus might be, but we're all not really sure, but we pretend to care, breaking up with her fiance.  That's hard hitting, at least compared to this.

Elephant Shoe

And so it ends - another season of the Bachelor.  Which means a new love is blossoming and a fresh breakup is just right around the corner.

 

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I laughed, I cried, I drank wine and ate a lot of black beans.  But mostly I just felt really sorry for the elephant that served as the getaway vehichle for Sean and Katherine.  Did you see how far up his butt that rope went?  Poor guy.  Poor guy's butt. 

 

I want to go on record as saying that I do not think elephants were meant to be riden.  Not by humans, not by fitness models, and not by realty show contestants in Thailand.  Some things are sacred ABC.  Including an elephant's ass cheeks.

 

Mazel Tov to the lovebirds!

Did Someone on the Bachelor Just Make Sense?

When I heard the following words uttered from Des's brother's angry, cynical mouth last night I almost fell off the couch:

"I'm thinking, this isn't going to work out, this is like...almost stupid."

That is essentially the Bachelor series in a nutshell.  But someone finally had the nerve to say it on the show itself!

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And boy was he right.  Des got the big ol' boot at the very next rose ceremony.  I'm willing to bet that her relationship with her brother didn't work out so well either after that rose ceremony.  

Bachelor Sean and His Bevy

I think this is the most devoted I've ever been to watching the Bachelor series and I don't even know why, because I'm pretty sure that Sean dyes his eyebrows.  Usually I fast forward through at least the first half of every episode to get to the "most dramatic" rose ceremony ever.

But not this time.  Inexplicably, I'm watching every awkward second this season.

Is it because I can't take my eyes off Ash Lee?  She is beautiful and kind and gentle and her voice gives me a virtual hug.  But then there's the fact that she's 32, never been married, spells her names in the most pointlessly complicated way possible, and is a Personal Organizer.  Clearly she's got a little cray cray that she isn't showing the cameras yet.  A hot piece like that doesn't stay single for 3 decades for no reason.

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Or perhaps it's because I'm disgustingly intrigued my Tiara, arguably the biggest sociopath in Bachelor history?  Last night when she got a rose, the first thing she did was give Jackie the in-your-face look of death.  She clearly does not have good intentions...And I kind of can't wait to see her freeze on tonight's Part 2 episode...

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But maybe, at least in last night's case, it was that the beautiful, uncanny twin of Ashley Greene, Selma, copped Aretha Franklin's hat from the last inauguration and wore it like it ain't no big thang.

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I've said it before and I'll say it again - I could never, ever be on the Bachelor.  Not because I'm married or normal.  It's because of all of the high flying they do!  Helicopters and planes and bungees, Oh My!  That's not for me.  I like to be on the first floor or ground level at all times.

The only thing real about this reality show is that crazy bitches also exist in real life.  The reason why this never works is because they force these dainty little 90 pounds girls to do things they clearly hate (i.e. rock climbing, canoeing, and drinking goat's milk), and pretend they like it for Sean whilst keeping their lipstick flawless and their hair perfectly coiffed.  Real talk - they ain't gonna do that shit in real life and be so agreeable.

I would like to close this rambling with one thought: Chris Harrison is the Best. Wingman. Ever.  He's always there to occupy the ladies when Sean wants to make out.  He's always shouting his praises and good intentions.  He always plies them with alcohol to make them slightly more interesting.  If only every single guy was so lucky to have a pal like him.  You're a swell guy Chris!

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Best Bachelor Ever?

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I am loving this season of the Bachelor so far.  But I'm also really sleepy after a big lunch, so please read this amazing recap of last night's episode that I am too tired to attempt myself:

 

The Bachelor Recap: Season 1, Episode 3

 

My favorite observations in this hilarious recap are all about Kacie, who I loved in Ben's season but inexplicably find sad and unfortunate this time around:

 

 

"Biggest Rookie Mistake: As Bachelor contestants and toddlers are wont to do, Desiree and Amanda are bickering. Kacie B., who has been a contestant before, decides to report the behavior to Sean. “Why are you saying something to me? They both seem fine,” he responds. When she complains that the drama is making her uncomfortable, he adds, “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person I see.” Lindsay, the substitute teacher who told Sean that he’s everything she wants in a husband during their five minutes together, gets the rose and Kacie tries not to ugly cry on camera."
"The Rose Ceremony: Sean saunters into the room where all the women stand on risers waiting for their fate. He announces that he is confident that he will find the woman he wants to marry in that room, but before he hands out any roses, he needs to talk to Kacie, who appears to be wearing a scuba diving dress."

"Kindest Let Down: Sean pulls Kacie outside and tells her that he has “too much respect” for her to make her “stand through another rose ceremony.” So he sends her home in a mini-van. Guess Sarah’s dog got the last limo."

Read more: http://entertainment.time.com/2013/01/22/bachelor-sean-lowe/#ixzz2IjU2ESjM

Hands, Touching Sweaty Hands

This is my only thought about the Bachelor last night, besides the constant fact that Courtney makes me scared for my life:

I’m already not a fan of holding hands. Ever. If I was vying for a guy’s love and I was faced with the option of holding his hand while ascending the many steep steps an ancient Mayan temple in Belize, or getting voted off, I’d walk myself right over to the getaway boat and say Adios to Benny Boy on the spot.

If you are one of the sickos that likes holding hands, fine. Keep it casual. But hand holding and recreational sports and/or physical activities just do not equal romance.

Busy Bee + Bachelor

Oh my busy.

Two of my coworkers are gone at the same time and it is wreaking havoc on my ability to blog and stay connected. But at least not on my ability to watch The Bachelor at night!

That girl in the red dress who tried to dry hump Ben at the cocktail party was so painfully awkward. She did something that is hard to achieve = Made me feel so uncomfortable that I was embarrassed to be around people, and I was just by myself. Basically she embarrassed me in front of myself. That's hard to do.

She should have just quit while she was prudish and behind. At least that way she could have kept her dignity instead of ensuring that no guy will ever want to sleep with her again after the episode airs. Much less attempt to "talk dirty". Because if she wasn't already going to get sent home for lack of communication and connection, then it was definitely going to be for attempting the most awkward unwelcome lap dance in Bachelor history.

Semi-related, I have decided that Courtney wouldn't seem like such a sociopath if she didn't keep scrunching up her lips like she was about to turn into the exorcist and attack a bitch.

It's getting down to the nitty gritty. Only 6 more ladies and what will somehow be stretched into 10 more episodes to go!

Driving Miss Crazy

What do you think the job description is for the person who drives the car away after the rose ceremonies on The Bachelor, with the devastated reject in tow?

- Must have a valid, current Driver's License

- Must not have a criminal record

- Must be able to deal with sobbing, emotional train wreck back-seat passengers

- Must not console them during said sobbing, because it will hurt TV ratings and possibly cause the women to hold on to some semblance of pride once the episode airs

- Must work flexible hours

I can't even imagine driving around these exotic cities they film in with a bawling woman who has so much mascara running down her face that it threatens the upholstery of your car. Particularly if you are not allowed to talk to them and just have to ignore basic human instincts to try to make them feel better.

It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it. These relationships aren't going to artificially create and then naturally destroy themselves!

Love Is In the Air, Way Too Much!

I could never be on The Bachelor.

Not just because I'm not crazy enough. Or because I don't wear enough eye makeup. Or because I don't look good in a bikini.

It's because of the show's excessive use of aircraft. Whether it's hot air balloons, prop planes, helicopters, or commercial aircraft from one exotic location to the next, I would lose my mind with all of that flying!

I hate flying too much for any semblance of love to be worth all of that time in the air. Especially it was spent with a mop-headed doofus who literally could not have selected a worse haircut.

I guess I'll just have to find love the old-fashioned way. On a ferry!

Thorny

Uuugh. The Bachelor is so bad this year.

I simply could not believe my ears when I heard the conversation between Ben and Emily about match.com.

In an odd turn of events, Emily signed up for match.com and was subsequently matched up with her BROTHER, who was also on match.com. I die.

If that happened to me, and I was romantically linked to my blood-related sibling, my next move wouldn’t be to go on a dating show on national TV. It would be to join a convent.

It is also very enlightening when Lindzi C. goes on her one-on-one date with Ben and then, because it’s too awkward to bear anymore awkward silences, they kiss. She then tells the camera that she “usually doesn’t kiss guys on a first date.” Well, duh Lindzi. Most girls don’t. This is not a normal scenario and it is also not normal for your date to be sucking face with dozens of other women when he’s not with you. Normal went out the window when you accepted a thorny flower in exchange for one more week in a group house of desperates.

Speaking of things that aren't normal, have you notice that Ben always goes for the open-mouth kiss, and the girls almost never do? That’s awkward. And probably really slobbery.

It made me feel really dirty when Ben tells the reddish-haired girl (Jennifer, I think) that she is “definitely the best kisser in the house.” Ummm, that is definitely NOT a compliment. That’s like saying, “Out of all of the crazy sluts that are here for fame and a four month relationship, you put out the most and the best.”

And of course there's Shawntel. Who shows up for no reason other than the fact that she is a glutton for public humiliation?

Oh, and Courtney’s sociopathic personality continues to haunt my dreams.

Another Monday, Another Bachelor Episode

Who's watching "The Bachelor" this season?

So far it's been shaping up to be pretty terrible, but I've already invested 4 hours/2 episodes of my life so I might as well stick to it? The last two Mondays my husband has gotten dibs on the TV with DVR for bowl games, etc., so I've been confined to our bedroom with non-fast-forwardable shows and countless Monistat 7 commercials while watching Ben and his bevy of bat shit crazy girls vie for his love...for 2-3 months.

As usual, there is an alpha-crazy on this season. Blakeley is this season's one-to-hate. And, it shames me to say, she is from North Carolina. And it should shame her to say that she is a "VIP Cocktail Waitress". First of all, what is that if not a paid escort? Second of all, she is from Rutherfordton, NC. What the hell is VIP about that place? Any city with that many syllables that isn't the capitol of a state is undoubtedly just one redneck short of a hick convention.

Regarding Ben, and in spite of his heinous long butt cut and affinity for vests, I think he's a nice enough guy. He seems genuine, has a decent bod, and has a cool job, so that's good. But I cheated and looked up Reality Steve and who the "winner" is. And I can say, without giving away the ending, that despite how genuine and sincere Ben seems, he ends up thinking with his penis. Instead of the part of his brain that steers clear of girls who clearly aren't attracted to him and imminent doom.

Final thought: I am very glad that Jenna got the boot last night. Her makeup was runny, her job is simply listed as "Blogger" (that's borderline shady vague), and she flat out told Ben that she was "Like, not a girl," before running off sobbing under the covers. You definitely dodged a bullet there Benny!

Bachelor NonLessons

The more I think about the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows, the more I think they have got be the most unrealistic portrayal of real life love that is legally allowed by the FCC.

First of all, I love that at the end of their 3 month courtship, they start waxing nostalgic about when they first met…remembering when their brand new fiancé “first got out of that limo…” That is so not real life or a long time to date.

My first meeting with my now-husband is more like, “I remember when we both got drunk at a Fraternity cocktail which we were set up on, I played the tambourine with the all-black band, and we both bonded about being closeted drunk-smokers when we ran into each other (whilst hiding from each other) smoking a cig.” That romantic story has nothing to do with limos, that’s for sure.

Also, the bachelor/bachelorettes only date for 3 months before getting engaged. That is just stupid. I dated my husband for 5 years, have been married for 1 year and some change, and I’m still trying to make sure I like him.

Bachelor series, you are giving today’s impressionable youth and emotional young woman a very skewed version of what love is like in real life. It doesn’t involve limousines, the guy that agree to date you don’t really have 6 packs or agree to drink champagne with you, and, worst of all, Chris Harrison almost never shows up.

Love takes time fools. And real people are usually fatter than people on TV.

What's Love Got to Do With it?

Tune in to the Bachelor last night?

Another doomed Bachelor relationships for the books it looks like. Despite a fairytale proposal in which Brad appears to be reading cue cards and Emily seems to need a reboot to her robotic system, I have my doubts about these two.

I've seen people in couples annoy each other from time to time, but I've never seen 2 people downright hate each other as much as Emily and Brad did last night on the After the Final Rose show.

And after only 3 months of dating they have already broken up and gotten back together!?! I don't know about you out there, but I have never seen a real-life relationship involving periodic breakups that ever ends in happily ever after.

I hope this young woman and pushing-40-year-old-man these two crazy kids can make it. But so far it seems like they are staying together just because they are both too stubborn to be the one to say, "Uncle" first.

This is truly the stuff of great romances. ;)

Awkward...Party of 3

There needs to be a warning before each episode of the Bachelor. Not about the gratuitous makeout sessions. But about the highly inappropriate level of awkwardness. This show is not appropriate for children.

I couldn’t watch this show with someone else even if I had friends here to watch it with. It’s that uncomfortable. Every time I watch it I find myself looking around me making sure no one else is there.

I feel like I’m watching a nude scene with my grandparents, but my grandparents aren’t here. That’s how uncomfortable it is.

This is an actual quote from last night’s episode, said after a very awkward silence: “What do you think about mosquito nets?” That’s hot stuff people. Romance at its finest.

Who does everyone think he's going to pick!? I know it's not going to be mosquito net girl!

Age is but a secret number

Why did they stop showing the ages of the girls on the Bachelor?!

How are we supposed to be cynical about the likelihood of relationships lasting if we can't tell who the 23 year olds are?!

Also, did anyone watch last night? There is no safe way that all of that carnival equipment could be hooked up to one power source. You can't fool me ABC!

Will you accept this emotional baggage?

Hello basketcase!

Did anyone else tune into the Bachelor season premiere last night?

I didn't watch the first season with Brad Womack but I hope to the god of roses that he was more manly the first season.

This guy is truly a devastated emotional wreck!

Usually they say bitches be crazy. Well it looks like we could be in for a double whammy this season!

I can't wait to see how the newest "most dramatic season of the Bachelor ever" (which they all are allegedly) pans out!

The good news: Nothing could be worse than the nightmare that was Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi. Those two should be put to sleep.

Dancing with myself

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In news that is only news because it happened a mere 2 months after everyone expected, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi have split up.

Maybe the relationship lost its luster because Vienna couldn't bare the sight of Jake in the jazz shoes and mock neck body shirts he wore constantly on Dancing With the "Stars".

Or maybe Jake stopped appreciating the fact that Vienna always, always looks like she just got hit by a tranquilizer dart.

Who's to say!?

All I know is that if two crazy kids (who are about 10 years apart) can't make love last after meeting on a cheesy dating show, in which one was hated by every single person and the other cried like a woman, then we're all screwed.

Chris Harrison is the new Bernie Mac

http://tvwatch.people.com/2010/06/08/bachelor-pad-melissa-rycroft-chris-harrison/

This day just keeps getting better.

Just when I thought I couldn't love Chris Harrison anymore, he gives me this gem - a virtual Real World of former Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects who, presumably, have found nothing better to do with their lives since their first stints on the most unorganic show ever.

Something tells me this show is going to be more "getting drunk, hooking up, and sending people to the hospital" than "being fake interesting, going on ridiculously over the top dates, and exchanging thorny flowers."

That's my kind of show!

Thanks Chris Harrison, you're the best!