Well, Ok then

Do you want to know a sure fire way to end a conversation before it ever gets started?

Take a tip from the cleaning lady at my gym:

When someone says, "Hi, How are you?"

Answer like this:

"Blessed and highly favored."

Source

That will end the conversation.  Right then and there.  Because if you are like me, you will have no earthly idea how in the hell to respond to that.

Butterfly Life

I used to go to an all women's gym in Chapel Hill.  I loved it.  Even now, I hate working out in front of guys so much that I take supplemental classes elsewhere just so I don't to bench press in front of a bunch of muscle bound 25 year old dudes.  Shit is embarrassing, yo.

I am woman, hear me roar cower with fear.

 

I loved that place in Chapel Hill.  It was called Ladies Fitness Center and it helped me maintain my freshman 15-20 for 4 whole years of college.  So I can get way down with a girls only gym.

 

Just not when it is named this:

 

 

 

Butterfly Life....

 

Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Now I'm back.

 

I guess this is some sort of metaphor?  Like, once you were a pudgy caterpillar and now, for the competitive rate of $50 per month and a 6 year contract, you are a slightly less pudgy butterfly?

 

This is going to sound mean, but if are the type of person that enrolls in a gym called Butterfly Life in the middle of strip mall, you are also likely to be the type of person that will beeline left or right to go to Five Guys or Harris Teeter, respectively, which neighbor this establishment, instead of actually going to Butterfly Life.

 

I do not see this having a bright future.  I'd rather go to Gold's.

Treadmill Fall Fail

Last week I saw a girl fall off of a treadmill.  HARD. 

Falling off of a machine with a loud, sonic thud, in a row of people behind you, in front of you, and beside you, is pretty much worse case scenario in my book.  You just can’t go back to being anonymous, at least for the rest of the day, and at least at that same gym.

I was craning my neck so hard to see how long she would stay and attempt to run, even after flying off of the treadmill in front of everyone.  

It is really hard to stare at someone who is behind you.  By about the fifth time I turned to check the blood flow from her knee and the brokenness of her spirit, she had vanished.

She lasted a lot longer than I would have.  I would have limped out of there with my tail between my legs faster than you could cry, “MEDIC” to address the blood that was gushing down her leg and surely a health code violation.

It reminded me, painfully, of a time in high school when I was working out at the local gym and my crush walked by.  In addition to just being a standard, semi-awkward high schooler, I also had braces and a lifelong bout with total lack of coordination.  Add that to the fact that the treadmills at this gym were all lined by a mirrored wall.  

Seriously, who’s genius idea was that?  Let’s be real people.  No one wants a reflection of their cellulite ever.  And especially not while it’s jiggling up and down on a treadmill.  Keep the mirrors in the weight room where they belong.

Anyway, my crush started talking to me, I fell off of the treadmill, into the mirror, with my braces…And I just got right back up and kept on running.

Oddly enough he was not impressed with my resilience.  In fact, he seemed more amazed with the fact that I was willing to pretend that I had not taken flight into a mirrored wall a mere moment before. 

Needless to say, our love didn’t last.  Neither did my stint as a jogger.  But now I am really careful at the gym though, so some good came out of it.

Nerd Alert!

Yesterday at the gym, after a hilarious episode of Ellen, Judge Judy came on the TV.

I asked the guy next to me if I could change the station, because who watches Judge Judy?! Well sonofabitch if he didn't say, "No, I'm watching this."

That is not a normal thing for a guy to publicly admit. I made sure he paid attention the whole time so he didn't punish me for no reason.

If you have to watch Judge Judy for some sick reason, do it in the privacy of your own home.

'Puter Dreams

Like most of you, I dream big.

I have always wanted to one day be a “known patron” at a local watering hole or old-school restaurant/pharmacy that serves really great ice.

So far, no luck with that. But I did find recognition in a less likely, more healthy way. At the gym!
I had been going to the gym where I work for about a year and people behind the counter suddenly started calling me by my name! I was shocked. It wasn’t behind the greasy restaurant counter like I’d imagined, but I had finally done something enough times that I could be recognized for it.

T’was a happy day indeed!

No lie, one week later they got an automated computer system negating the need for the gym employees to ever look at your gym cards.

Poof! Known patron status up in smoke. I bet they couldn’t tell you my name now if you put a gun to their heads.

The moral of the story kids? Computers kill dreams.

I am a teenager

Something amazing just happened.

I went to the gym and the young girl at the check-in counter, who was inexplicably excited to see me as we do not know each other, said, "It's so good to see you. I haven't seen you since summer school last year when I used to see you everyday at the gym!"

I'm obviously taking this to mean that she thinks I'm in college! That's what it was, right?

Regardless of whether she thought I was an undergrad student or even a grad student...or Dear God, a teacher!... I was too awkward to tell her I graduated from college 5 years ago and haven't been to summer school since 2003.

But hell, it's nice outside and I feel young so I'm going to go put on a tube top and cowgirl boots and have a beer at Pantana Bob's*

*Things that are not actually going to happen. Ever - But mostly just the tube top.

Gym Germs

I'm starting to get really annoyed with all the germaphobes at the gym.

I see people who wipe down their machines with spray, towel, and wipes before and after they use a weight machine.

I see people bathing themselves in hand sanitizer when entering and leaving the gym.

To these people I have to say, if you are that scared of gym germs, then rent a workout DVD for your home.

There used to be this really hot guy that I stared at while on the elliptical machine across the room. But after a few months, when I saw his incessant wiping, cleaning, and sanitizing of everything he touched, I totally lost (creepy staring) interest. I am not a fan of dainty men.

Be a man! Embrace the germs.

Then me a human, go home, wash your hands, and take a shower. 15 minutes of not being sanitized never killed anyone. (Actually it probably did, but not gym-related I bet).

I think the world has gone nuts with hand sanitizer.

Me? I'm not a fan. I hate the smell and I have yet to see any proof that it's not just a more lubricated way to rub around the same germs over and over again all over your hands.

Obviously I'm not going to go around rubbing my face on the gym mats or putting my fingers in my eyes after using a weight machine, but have mercy. If you're at the gym, you're going to get a little dirty. And if you don't, then you're probably doing something wrong!

I heart germs.