June 19, 2014

Foot in Mouth Disease

I'm lucky in that I don't suffer from post-partum depression, even though Tom Cruise says it isn't real.  But instead I seem to have contracted a severe case of post-partum Foot in Mouth Disease.
Recently I said the following absolutely stupid and awkward things:
1) Someone told me she wanted to come see me but was "looking a sight".  She still wanted to come say hey and give me a hug though.  I said, "That makes two of us!" 
I meant that I was also "looking a sight" because, well, I am a frumpy mess 100% of the time.  But it came out sounding like I had also been waiting to give her a hug.  This is only made exponentially more awkward by the fact that I barely know this person.  Her subsequent silence spoke volumes.
2) Rosie had some major stomach problems recently so I took her to the vet.  I was telling the Vet's assistant that I noticed that she had bloody diarehea this morning.  She may have had it all night but Grant took her out each time and didn't bother to observe if her poop was bloody so I didn't know exactly when it started.
She said, "Oh I have one of those too!"  I got all excited and said, "Bloody diarreah?!"  She paused uncomfortably and said, "Um, no.  A husband who isn't observant..."
Um, duh Marilyn.  In what world would a grown woman being telling you about her poop?  Why would I not automatically assume that she was talking about the oblivious husband?  Because that is actually funny and not completely disgusting and awkward.  Fail.
3) Same vet's appointment.  I was talking to the vet about his 3rd child that he is expecting.  He said when his other babies were infants he "co slept".  For a split second I was thinking that he meant that he slept half of the time while his wife fed the baby in his or her nursery and then she slept the other half of the time while he fed the baby.  Not that they slept together in the bed with their baby, which is obviously what co sleeping is.  So I enthusiastically said, "LUCKY!"
So now he thinks I'm bitterly jealous of his newborn bed buddy situation and that my husband actively denied me co-sleeping rights.
He also threw out the term EBF (which stands for exclusively breastfeeding), so to be clear I am neither jealous of his co-sleeping or the fact that he is a straight man who knows what that means and thinks it's ok to use the acronym so cavalierly.
The diagnosis is in and I got it bad.  Food in mouth disease and general stupidity and awkwardness.  I hope it's not contagious.

No comments:

Post a Comment