Too Much Potassium

I think I mainly want Jack to start talking so that I can stop eating so many bananas.  

That probably sounds strange but we are at a really awkward stage in which he points at things like a champ, but doesn't actually verbalize most of what he wants.  So whenever he points at a banana and says "nana", I excitedly grab a banana and ask him if he wants me to open it.  He always nods yes.  And clearly I am not going to deny my child a fruit if he's getting excited about it.  But recently once it's open the thrill is gone. 

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Apparently he never wanted to actually eat the banana.  He just wanted to watch me open it.  So I either end up adding it to our massive collection of frozen bananas for smoothies, or eating it myself.  As a person who is in a major weight gain stage of life, I really don't need to be force feeding myself any unnecessary food.  So Jack really needs to start talking so I can stop guilt-eating bananas.

Just one of the many things in life you never thought you'd have to struggle with before having a child, like getting to banks before they are even open and wanting to eat lunch at 9am because your child woke you up at the ass crack of dawn.

   

Rain, Rain I'm a Mom

There are a lot of moments as a mom where you realize that your needs are dead last in line, if they even made the list.  Like when you have to pee so bad that it makes you feel almost physically ill but you are out with your child and can't stop to go to the bathroom without leaving him in a precarious situation.  Like last week at the library when I decided to treat myself to a rare bathroom break and I had to bring Jack in the stall with me.  It was during this time that he learned rather quickly how to crawl under the stall and run away.  It was also during this time that I had to stop mid-wee wee, flush the toilet, and run out of the bathroom with my pants halfway up my butt.

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But it is during this hurricane/rain dump known as Joaquin that I am truly reminded of the SNL Mom Jeans quote, "Because you're not a woman anymore...You're a mom!"  Every time I have to run Jack out to the car he screams with delight at the little raindrops on his face.  Then he positively giggles as he watches me buckle his dry little ass in and set up his Elmo screening room in the car, as I stand just outside the car getting absolutely soaked.  So then everywhere we go from then on I look a drowned rat, who always has to pee.  And he is dry, happy as a clam, as free to pee in his diaper.

Motherhood: No one said it was glamorous.  No one said it was fair.  And no one ever said that you are ever going to look remotely presentable again.

Not Smoothie

This is what happens when your child is basically like the adorable version of Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen with 0% patience when his food is bring prepared:

And honestly I'm only saying Gordon Ramsey because Mussolini seems like too harsh of a comparison for a toddler.  But if you don't get this kid his food in 2 minutes or less after he has walked into the kitchen, you better watch your back.  It makes for some really relaxing 6:15 wake up calls.

You get flustered at his screaming and then you accidentally paint your entire kitchen in colorful and sticky smoothie.

(It turns out even fancy blenders are smart enough to tell you that the lid wasn't on all the way.)

While my kitchen looks like a tub of blueberry curd exploded, at least I thought to look in the mirror and get the excess liquid out of my hair.  Unlike this morning, when I accidentally dropped a plate of eggs, which could not have broken into more pieces.  It wasn't until about 3 hours later that I realized I had a nice cheesy chunk of protein dangling above my ear.

I'm basically nailing motherhood.

Now on a more serious note, this is my AFTER cleaning picture.  Does anyone know how to get blueberry stain off of a ceiling?

Te Amo Sleepy Time

Sometimes I really can't believe how late I used to stay up.  On any random week night I would stay up until 11, sometimes midnight.  And on the weekends I would often stay up until 1:30 or so just because I could.

No more.

These days I go to bed no later than 10pm.  Preferably by 9:30.  Simply put: I gotsta get my Zzzz's.  To get my solid 8 hours, taking into account Jack's 6:30 wake up time, the 3-4 times per night that Rosie wakes me up with her collar bling, and my own bathroom breaks, I need to be in a full REM cycle by no later than 10.

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Obviously that means dinner and general life maintenance have to be done earlier than pre-baby days.  I usually have dinner on the (TV) dinner table by 7 right when Jack goes to sleep.

So you can imagine my horror last weekend when Grant made me wait until 8 o'clock to go out to dinner with his friends.  I seriously felt like I was being abused.  I was only going to be getting my entree by the time I am usually having my pre-bedtime dark chocolate square!

We also had someone over for dinner a few weeks ago and when the conversation was still going after 9pm, Grant and I both got so panicky that we nervously drank an entire bottle of $5 wine that he bought while we were chatting.  We paid for that handsomely the next day.

Sure, maybe I need to loosen up a bit.  But instead, maybe group dinners and TV shows need to start coming on at 5:30 or 6.  Did you ever think about that?!

It's funny how priorities change.  My post-5pm concerns used to be 1) Do I have enough wine to last me through the night? 2) Do I have at least 4 hours of entertainment on my DVR? 3) Is my luscious fleece blanket out of the dryer?

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Now they are: 1) Is my baby going to stay asleep? 2) Did I lock the doors? 3) Buy bye.

Having a ball

I am so glad I just found my giant medicine ball in the closet. 

 

 

While it never did get me that 6 pack I was dreaming of, it did entertain my child for at least 3 segments of 20 seconds or more. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Got Milk?

The first time I really, truly realized I was a mom, even after a full year of diapers, being tired literally all of the time, and looking like Sir Frumps A Lot, was the first time I bought a gallon of whole milk. 

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I just kept thinking, "I'm the mom.  Of a boy.  This is really real."

And it is amazing.  And so, so messy. 

My Lux Life

You know you lead a glamorous life when all you ask your husband for for your Birthday is to fully detail your kid's highchair.

But it's so hard to keep clean.  And it's alllll that I want.

Makeshift Ball Pit

Sometimes I just plum run out of stuff to do with Jack.  

He's a man on the move and needs to be constantly entertained. He also had a deep passion for throwing balls.

I think he finally met his match:

The Makeshift Pack n Play Ball Pit

It combines his passion for play and balls, and my two favorite things: Entertainment and Containment.

If you try this order a lot more balls ten you think you will need. This pictured above is my order plus a friends whole stash.  And I think I need even more.

Frontal Momhawk

I finally got my badge of honor as a mother.

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No, I'm not talking about your hair falling out, your belly button looking more like an elephant's anus than a navel orange, or jet black circles under your eyes.  Been there, done that.

I'm talking about the petite frontal mohawk that almost every formerly pregnant person I know gets about 9-12 months after having a child.  

I'm just adding this to the list of side effects of having a baby.  Of course, it is all worth it.  But I won't mind when I start feeling less like a page out of a biology book and more like just a regular person.

S.O.S. at 6am

Waking up at 6am every morning is for the birds.   Actually, it's probably before the birds get up.  

What is a person supposed to do at that hour?  

I had made a meatloaf by 8am this morning.  That is not even normal.

Usually by 10:45 am each morning, when I've been awake for 5 hours, I'm already thinking about how nice it will be to get in bed.  But instead I try to think of something to do to entertain Jack for the next 7 hours.

Alright, I've played with all my toys.  What's next, mom?

Do any fellow stay at home moms have any recommendations for activities for babies who are too old to be entertained my shiny objects but too young to do crafts, etc.?  I need something to supplement our toys at home, our beloved box fort, and the pastime of spilling over a dog bowl again and again and again.

Game Changers

This past week has been incredible.  Thanks to a few new things I have discovered that have truly changed my life.

1) This cheese:

It melts like a damn dream and has some spice in it.  It transformed some really good enchiladas into some epic enchiladas Sunday night and I couldn't be more excited for the homemade Mexican future.  I found it next to the normal cheese in the refrigerated section.

2) This:

I don't want to go as far as say I'm an "inventor", but I'm pretty sure I just found a revolutionary new way to eat fries while driving.

Dump the fries into the bag.  Sprinkle with Ketchup.  Then rip the entire top off of the bag.  It's like an in-car tray sent from the McDonalds gods to help ease your drive and fatten your ass on long car rides.

3) This mirror for babies in the car from Baby Einstein.  I've mentioned many times how Jack hates his car seat.  And I don't know if it's a sudden change in personality or a combination of maturing ;) and getting a convertible car seat and this miracle mirror device.  But I do know that I can actually go places now and not feel like a total prisoner in my own home.  Jack hasn't cried in the car in over a week and we go multiple places per day.  I'm a real girl again!

4) Jarred baby food.  I tried making my own for 3 months and Jack would barely eat anything.  Between the inability to go anywhere without Jack screaming and his absolute refusal to eat anything, I was honestly developing a stress induced breathing problem.  No joke.  Now that I gave up and switched to jarred, he is eating 3 solid meals a day plus lots of finger foods (blueberries, black beans, etc.) and I actually look forward to meal time instead of dreading it with all my might like before.

I feel like doing an Irish jig!  Now I can actually envision having another child.  Before these major breakthroughs it was really too daunting to consider.

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But mostly, that cheese.

Neither Here Nor There

Have you ever heard celebrities say they lost all their baby weight by breastfeeding and then "chasing around a toddler"?  And automatically thought they were an asshole?

I have.

But I think I might have been wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not losing any weight at all.  But I do now spent 12 straight hours a day chasing around Jack while he crawls everywhere in our house.  Whether he is trying to eat my shoes, snack on dog food, bath in Rosie's water bowl, or stand up with his hands gripping the toilet seat (new trick), I basically never sit down.

Ready, Set, PLAY

These days it takes me about 6 hours to watch one episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, 2-5 hours to finish unloading the dishwasher, and clearly like a week to write a blog post.  

I guess I can't blame the little guy for wanting to explore everything.  I mean, why would he ever want to play with plastic donuts and teddy bears when he could get his little paws on cords, dust bunnies, and toilets?  

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He's a busy man.

I on the other hand am in some sort of weird mom limbo in which my child is young enough that he still has to base his life around naps, but too young to be able to do any actual activities.  So until that changes we will be spending A LOT of time together, inside, trying to avoid life threatening objects.

Thoughts on Motherhood - 7 Months

Isn't it ironic that the greatest gift you and your spouse can give one another is the gift of a child?  Yet the meanest thing you can do to one another is leave them alone with that child for the entire weekend?

 

I was alone with Jack all weekend.  Which wasn't in a big deal because it was the just the same as every other day of my life, but it still would have been nice to have been alone for 5 or 10 minutes.  I know, I'm high maintenance!

 

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I started wondering how I could possibly still be excited about the weekend even though it wasn't really a day off for me.  (I'm sure it wasn't mostly due to the pizza and friends I was having over that night.  Pizza + friends makes everything better).  I realized this either means that every day of my life is kind of like a weekend....or that in reality I'll never have an actual relaxing weekend again for at least another 18 years.

 

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I think my main beef with the whole situation was that I had to wake up at 6 on both Saturday and Sunday.  That ain't even right.  Hats off to single parents out there.  I don't know how they do it.

Early Bird Gets the Worm, and All the Coffee

Sometimes I can't believe I live in a world in which I wake up in the 6 o'clock hour everyday. 

 

 

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If you had told my college/post college self that, she would have laughed in your face.  But it would have been sometime after 10 or 11am when she was just getting up, excited that she could skip breakfast altogether and go straight for lunch.  See, she loves sandwiches.

 

Now if I get to sleep into until 7am, I am positively thrilled. 

 

That's why it was no big deal to wake up at 5:00am to go see the Today show in New York City last weekend.  I found the perfect spot to stand with my mom in which we were situated perfectly behind a set of large lights.  That way we could see everything perfectly and no one would ever put us on TV because of the giant equipment in front of us.  Pretty much our dream situation in all of life.

 

It wasn't until we left the main set and leisurely walked over to the cranberry bog that we accidentally ended up front and center on TV.

 

A friend sent me this screen shot of us:

 

 

That's officially as famous as I ever want to get.

Thoughts on Motherhood - 6.5 Months

1. The first thing I say every time I hear Jack wake up on the monitor is "What time is it!?"  I basically don't even care if I got good sleep or not.  I just need to know if Jack has slept through the night.  It's like the mom version of being superficial.  But instead of caring about clothes, appearance, etc., I care more about hours of sleep slept versus actually being well rested. 

 

I don't actually care what time it is.  Why would I?  I live in the most adorable version of groundhog day and have nothing to do.  I just need to know that my baby will one day sleep from 7-7.

 

Admitting you have a problem is the first step...

 

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2. Alarms no longer exist.  If there are things to be done that involve waking up before a baby wakes you up, I do not want to do them.  Unless it involves being in a Caribbean time zone.  And me being on vacation.  And the baby being in a different time zone.

 

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I basically haven't woken up naturally in over 6 months.

 

3. I have started following so many mommy blogs on Facebook that, since I read almost every post in detail, I am almost always either laughing my ass off or quietly weeping on my phone. 

 

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The humor about shared experiences and sadness about parental loss is real and deep and constant on social media.  Tissues not included.

 

4. I think I finally got my shit together.  6 months later.  And I'm not talking about baby weight.  In fact, let's never speak of baby weight again, mmkay?

 

I'm talking about prioritizing the shit out of my time.  When Jack was first born, I used all of his sleepy time to catch up on TV shows.  Now that he only takes 2-3 naps a day I try to be like a naptime ninja so I feel more accomplished.  Today in his afternoon nap I painted an entire dresser AND bathed myself.  Miracles do happen.

 

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5. The whole "not having a job" thing has finally caught up with me in terms of my fun money cash flow.  AKA, fun money is a thing of my Jackless past.  That being said, I will also paint your dresser.  For $100.  But I'll need at least a week to do it.  And for you to take care of my child during the painting of each coat.  Don't everybody call at once.

 

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6. I love Fall!  I can finally pile on the layers I love so much and stop worrying about my alabaster baby getting a heat rash every time we step outside.  Life is good!

 

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Co Crib Sleeping/WTF?

In the last 6 months I've come across numerous chat boards, blog posts, Facebook groups, etc. with people saying that when their child becomes truly inconsolable and refuses to sleep, they either rock them to sleep, put the child in their bed, or get in the crib with the child.

 

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Now I'm not here to take aim at this attachment style of parenting.  I sure don't do it.  Hell, I cannot imagine a worse sleep than having a baby in my bed.  I lasted 3 weeks sleeping in the nursery with my child before I decided mama needed her overhead fan and way more space than a twin bed could offer.

 

My real issue here is with the people who can fit in the crib with their babies.  Who are these people?  How do they fit in a crib in the first place?  Much less with a sad baby.

 

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I bet it's the type of tiny little bitches who shop in the petite section and lose all their baby weight in two weeks. 

 

If I tried to get in the crib with Jack, first I'd probably just fail in initial execution and fall over the railing before I even made it in.  Then, if I made it in, I would likely suffocate the poor child with my sheer mass.  I do no understand this method of soothing. 

 

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding it?  Regardless, I will not be attempting it.  I don't have the money to buy a new crib which would surely buckle underneath my weight.  Nor the effort to stay awake long enough to make sure I didn't smother my child.

 

Are lots of you moms out there doing this? 

6th Sense: Baby Monitor

I now how have a 6th sense and it is called MONITOR.

 

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 I love how the picture above makes the lights look like a rainbow, when in reality the 6 level alarm looks like the hand held version of parent terror.

 

I have that thing next to my bed every night and I swear I can hear when Jack so much as takes a deep exhale. 

 

It's a blessing and a curse.  I can always check on my boy.  But I also can't even begin to sleep unless he is 100% asleep, quiet, and still.  Which even when he is asleep isn't always the case!  He loves to shake that little hit back and forth and audibly suck his fingers while snoozing.

 

I bet the parents of yester year who used open phone lines to keep tabs on their kids while going to their neighbors house and who got to just lay their children in the back seat had a lot less stress when it came to being away from their children.

 

The only time I've truly slept through the night since Jack was born was the weekend that my in laws took his monitor AND his Pack N Play in their room.  It was truly magical.

 

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This is kind of on par with the phantom screams I hear when I'm in the shower these days.  Even if Jack is fast sleep, when I get in the shower I can swear I hear him screaming.  Then I rush through my 2 minute shower, run dripping out to check the monitor, and he is still just asleep in the same position.

 

 

Mom problems.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

Hit and Run and Cry

I've always heard of kids who hated their car seats and wondered if my child would be like that.  I mean, I wouldn't blame him.  They are basically strapped down in a hot box looking at what is essentially a blank canvas.

 

As luck would have it, Jack doesn't mind the car seat or stroller at all...until he does.  Then all hell breaks loose, we have a code red melt down, and I either have to carry him home in one arm pushing the stroller with the other, or I try to rationalize with a 5 month old from the driver's seat and assure him we are almost home and there is no need to cry.

 

Neither of those situations is working out very well for me.

 

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So I have to learn to majorly prioritize my time with Jack in the car.  He has a threshold of about one errand per session in the car seat. 

 

 

 

Yesterday I made the mistake of going to Goodwill GCF to donate some clothes before going to the grocery store.

 

The second we made the drop he started screaming.  So now the poor people of Wilmington can get a great deal on the unused lingerie from my bachelorette party that I just found in my attic, but I can't have my daily dark chocolate square.  Oh the horror!

 

Yesterday I also tried in vain to take Jack on a power walk.  Usually he waits until I reach the farthest point of my walk to totally lose it, so that I have to haul ass back to my house looking like a negligent mother with a screaming baby roaming the streets.  Yesterday I tried a new tactic of weaving in and out of the 3 closest streets.  Sure I would look like a lost idiot, but at least I wouldn't end up miles away with the unhappiest baby of summer.

 

I may look laid back, but just wait for it...

 

I only made it about 10 minutes before I had to carry him home, but the real insult of my walk came from a gypsy looking stranger on a bike (with no helmet!) while Jack was still in the stroller crying.  She waited until she was like 30 yards away from me and then said, "Cover his face up!" and made a little motion to cover his face.

 

Thanks, but no thanks, you imperfect stranger.  His face was covered up!  He was crying because he's a baby!  It was my first Insult and Bike Away situation as a mother.  And hopefully the last?

 

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I can't wait to see that unsafe helmetless gypsy again.  If she tries to give more unsolicited, incorrect parenting advice, she is going to have a mad, winded, mother running after her.  I have a strict rule about not engaging with crazy people, but this is just too inappropriate to let slide.

 

It's ok to stop a mom you don't know and tell her her baby is adorable.  But it's just not OK to drive another 30 seconds away and then insult her parenting skills. 

 

Thoughts on Motherhood - 20 Weeks

1. Ever since becoming a parent I  cry every.single.night during the news.  What is the deal with that?

 

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2. As a result of being pregnant and now spending a lot of time on the floor playing with Jack, I now have a real, bonafide hunchback.  Every time I try to strengthen my core by doing a sit-up so that I am not bent over, Rosie thinks I am playing a game and starts licking me.  So, I'm like a 30-something Quasimoto who is constantly covered in fuzz from the rug, dog hair from Rosie, and shame from my horrid new posture.

 

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3. In related news, I'm conducting a one woman experiment to see how long it takes for a flabby stomach to go away without putting forth any real effort whatsoever...unless 5 sit-ups a week counts.  Which I'm quite sure it doesn't.

 

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4. All of this time that I have been worried about how to get Jack to stop using a pacifier when he is older, I never realized that the day he stopped taking a pacifier would be one of the scariest days of my life.

 

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5. When we started feeding Jack formula at night, he immediately started sleeping better.  A few days later when Jack wouldn't go to sleep for a nap, Grant said, "Maybe we should give him some formula."  I had to explain to him that it doesn't put him to sleep, it just helps him sleep at night because he isn't as hungry...But it's good to know that if we ever have to decide whether or not to sedate our baby, Grant is on board with no hesitation.

 

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6. I have decided that as a new mom, until further notice, I reserve the right to drink a beer after 5:00 any day of the week, even if it's a random Tuesday.  Even if I'm by myself.  I survived another day with a 4 month old.  Therefore I deserve to drink.  Until my kid goes to college.  Simply put, it is very necessary.

 

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Thoughts on Motherhood - Week 18

1. I really have no idea how many weeks old my child is anymore, until I write these posts.  I have officially reentered the real world of months.  Hallelujah.  Don't you just hate parents who measure things in weeks when you don't have children and still use real things like months and years?  I did.

 

2. At the rate I'm losing hair I'm going to be bald by my October trip to NYC, thus dashing my dreams of getting an Ambush Makeover by Kathie Lee and Hoda on the 3rd hour of the today show.

 

Extreme sad face.

 

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3. Recently my morning breath ricocheted off of my cup when I was drinking some water in the middle of the night.  As my eyes began to water from the lovely scent, I started to feel bad about all the middle of the night feedings Jack had in which he was subjected to this foul odor.  Then I started thinking about the days of getting no more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time and realized that life is pretty good right now. 

 

How is that for a convoluted way to be optimistic about something?

 

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4.  I am an idiot.  One Sunday I wanted to sleep in so badly that I made a big sassy fuss about how I wake up all hours of the night during the weekdays, so the weekends were Grant's time to wake up early and often.  I was like the Joan of Arc of the weeks so by God I was going to sleep until 9am on Sunday!

 

 

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Then when Monday rolled around I realized that I had no leg to stand on asking for help.  Ever.  No sleep on a Sunday is ever worth it during the week at 3am when you want to ask your husband to check on the baby but can't because you are a stubborn asshole.  I now know that.

 

* I have no idea what Joan of Arc actually did but I know she was brave!...and that she died.  So basically we are living parallel lives.

 

5.  Rolling over is the least rewarding trick ever.  It reminds me of the bowl my mom has for used K Cups next to her coffee maker.  The trash can is only 4 feet away.  Rolling over is the pointless K Cup bowl on the way to crawling.  Just get to the real thing.  It's no fun to have manually turn over a baby again and again who is now neither happy being beached on his stomach or being return to his starting position on his back.

 

6.  A baby's happiness in the morning upon seeing your face, each and every day, is both the cheapest thing to get and the most valuable thing to have.  It actually makes me excited about the mornings too!  Words that my pre-baby self never would have uttered unless there was a nice breakfast spread involved.

 

Not how he really sleeps, obvi