Not Smoothie

This is what happens when your child is basically like the adorable version of Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen with 0% patience when his food is bring prepared:

And honestly I'm only saying Gordon Ramsey because Mussolini seems like too harsh of a comparison for a toddler.  But if you don't get this kid his food in 2 minutes or less after he has walked into the kitchen, you better watch your back.  It makes for some really relaxing 6:15 wake up calls.

You get flustered at his screaming and then you accidentally paint your entire kitchen in colorful and sticky smoothie.

(It turns out even fancy blenders are smart enough to tell you that the lid wasn't on all the way.)

While my kitchen looks like a tub of blueberry curd exploded, at least I thought to look in the mirror and get the excess liquid out of my hair.  Unlike this morning, when I accidentally dropped a plate of eggs, which could not have broken into more pieces.  It wasn't until about 3 hours later that I realized I had a nice cheesy chunk of protein dangling above my ear.

I'm basically nailing motherhood.

Now on a more serious note, this is my AFTER cleaning picture.  Does anyone know how to get blueberry stain off of a ceiling?

Jack Gets ALL the Worms

Last week Jack did not sleep the best. I think it was because he is a little sick.

But it made me a lot sad.  I swear waking up in the middle of the night at this stage in the game is even more of a gut punch then it was when he was waking up every hour because I am no longer conditioned for this shit.

Top o' the mornin' to ya, sucka!

And to keep me even more on my toes, he's been waking up around 5:30am for about 3 weeks now.  First of all, that is les miz no matter your circumstances.  Secondly, I simply do not have enough things to do in the day to start at 5;30.  And third, and perhaps most importantly, it makes me hungry for lunch around 9:30am.  This is good for no one.  Especially saddlebag A and B.

I'm going to start making him stay up a little later each night to see if that helps.  If not, when we are in Texas this weekend he will be waking up at 4:30am local time, so that will just be stupendous.

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I hope staying up a little later works.  Or maybe he will just grow out of it.  But I just refuse to accept this as the new norm.  Denial is a beautiful thing.  So is sleeping in pass 6am...from what I remember.

No Mas TP?

I know that I'm not allowed to keep anything nice (or at all) on any surfaces of my furniture anymore.  And I have to keep the trash cans on top of the toilets.  And the dog bowl mostly on the kitchen counter.

But really, where am I supposed to put my toilet paper now?

Makeshift Ball Pit

Sometimes I just plum run out of stuff to do with Jack.  

He's a man on the move and needs to be constantly entertained. He also had a deep passion for throwing balls.

I think he finally met his match:

The Makeshift Pack n Play Ball Pit

It combines his passion for play and balls, and my two favorite things: Entertainment and Containment.

If you try this order a lot more balls ten you think you will need. This pictured above is my order plus a friends whole stash.  And I think I need even more.

Boys and Bathrooms

Yesterday I ate my lunch while sitting on top of a toilet (with the lid closed!) while Jack played in a bathtub (with no water in it).  Score: F for lunchtime setting.  A+ for containment of child while eating.

Like his forefathers before him, Jack is obsessed with being in the bathroom.  Every time I let him lead the way he makes a straight shot for one of our bathrooms.

What is it with guys and bathrooms!?  If he isn't peering into the empty bathtub, he's either trying to sort the trash, eat the toilet seat, or make toilet paper confetti.

Also, should I be alarmed that my child will gladly eat toilet paper and dog food but has no interest in the organic, nutritious, wholesome fruits and veggies that I make him?  

If I could describe Jack in a nutshell it would be:

Lover of life, Rosie, and the pursuit of bathrooms.

Passionate hater of anything involving straps and food.

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

It has come to my attention that there is no person busier in the world than an almost 4 month old eating a bottle.  Not the President.  Not One Direction.  Not even Michael Buble during the Christmas TV special season.

It’s like a perfect combination of this:

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 Hands that move 100% of the time.

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 Michael Flatly, Lord of the Dance.

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 And this, because this is what we call it every time we give him a bottle.

 

It's kind of like wrangling a wild beast.  A wild beast with cute chubby cheeks.

Best Friends for Never

Even though Rosie seems like she might be coming around to Jack, and even though she loves him a lot when he has milk on his face and she temporarily dedicates her life to licking it all off, I still think Rosie is semi-devastated about having a sibling/not being an only child anymore.

 

They do have their moments.

 

 

If I could sum up their relationship in terms of shitty jewelry, I would say that Jack has a piece from the Open Heart Collection by Jane Seymour for Kay Jewelers. 

 

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And Rosie has one half of a BFF necklace that she got at a kiosk at the mall, then  promptly put one half around her own neck and threw the other one on top of an Orange Julius in the trash can at the mall food court.  Way harsh.

 

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Basically Rosie isn't really accepting new friends right now.  And Jack is too clueless and naïve to know that he's only being used for his tasty drool.  You could cut the tension with a knife.

My Name is Peaches, and I'm the Best

Whenever Jack breaks out of his swaddle, which is like 99% of the time, it reminds me of King Jaffe Joffer from Coming to America.

 

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See the resemblance?

 

 

 

 

 

I wouldn't go as far as to say that James Earl Jones's baritone and Jack's high pitched squeal are similar, but there is just something about that shoulder situation that reminds me of the other.

 

There's also the good possibility that I'm losing my mind.

 

 

Earning My Stripes

It's official.  I'm totes a real mom now.  Jack peed in my eye last night while I was giving him a bath.  Like, directly in the peepers.

 

We are trying to put him on a "schedule" so it won't take him 2 hours to go to sleep at night.  The bath is part of that ritual.  That desperate, mostly failing, nightly ritual.

 

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Is there anything cuter than a clean baby in a hooded towel?  Especially with a jealous, snuggly little dog next to him?  I think not.

 

 

 

One part of our routine that Jack has nailed down pat is waking up at 7am on  the dot.  You know, waking back up at the crack of dawn every morning isn't exactly the first step in a routine that I was hoping for, but at least he's consistent in something.  And consistently adorable.

 

That part helps a lot.

 

 

 

As an added bonus to getting peed in the eye, Rosie also threw up grassy liquid all over our bedspread last night. 

 

It's funny.  I used to dry heave at baby's dirty diapers.  Now Jack's don't phase me. 

 

I used to hate touching dogs except my family's, now my most favorite time of day is snuggling up next to Rosie at night while she scratches her ass next to my pillow. 

 

Times they are a changin'.  And my standards are a plumenting.

They see me rollin'

Unexpectedly, it only took 5 days as a mom before I got a mini van.

 

How did this come to be, you might be wondering? 

 

Like this:

 

 

 

The first time Jack and I hit the mean streets of Wilmington post being alive/giving labor respectively, someone rear ended us on Market Street.  Bad.

 

If I could sum up the experience in one word it would be - Terrifying.

 

Luckily my mom was with Jack in the back seat and everyone was safe.  Perhaps because I do aggressive things like this - Car Seat Inspection.  But it was truly a nightmare.  Especially as a brand new mom.  On her first car ride since giving  birth.  With a 5 day old baby.  Needless to say we aren't in any hurry to venture out together again anytime soon. 

 

Jack didn't shed a tear.  I cried like a baby.

 

This is my new whip for the next 2 weeks.  She rides like a dream and makes me feel like an over eager mom nerd.  With very impressive trunk space.

 

 

 

Now I just need to get a haircut like this:

 

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And jeans like this:

 

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Because you aren't a woman anymore...you're a mom!

 

http://www.hulu.com/watch/10333

New Theory on Stupidity

I have a new theory: That people who seem really stupid are just regular people who are really, really, REALLY sleep deprived.

 

 

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I used to pride myself on never forgetting anything and always being on top of my game, as it pertains to remembering absolutely everything that needs to be done and always being on time.  And by on time I mean at least 5 minutes early to everything.  Well, my baby is only almost 1 week old and I have officially lost my damned mind.

 

I can't remember what I did 15 minutes ago, much less what day of the week it is.  But it is so worth it to appear like a total dumbass to the rest of the world to wake up to this little face all hours of the night.

 

Welcome to the gun show, ladies

Maybe I'm biased but I think I might have the most adorable baby on the planet?  Poor Rosie doesn't know what to do with herself.  She's equal parts amazing big sister and totally confused and experiencing abandonment issues. 

 

If I had to guess, in this picture Rosie is thinking, "What in the high hell just happened to my perfect life?!"