I think you have the wrong person

Current status: On the verge of a casual breakdown/in need of hibernation. 

Reasons:

Husbands. Can't live with them...end of sentence.

If I got paid a dollar for every time I found this scene in the shower when I got in for one of my world famous luxurious 45 second showers before the kids start really crying in their beds in the morning, I would have enough money to pay for the golf lesson that my husband took during his lunch break this week while I was sitting at home wrangling 2 little kids like a damn chump thinking he was hard at work.

Does anyone else's husband make a secondary pile of laundry on the floor next to the actual laundry basket? What godforsaken event could have occurred with these clothes to make them unworthy of sitting in the same basket as the regular dirty clothes?

On second thought, forget I asked.

I have decided I want to be more like a two year old and just do the most random shit ever. I already dress like one. I might as well act like one too. If they don't make any sense, why should I?! These are my people, after all.

This is a picture of Jack today while Katie was taking her morning nap.  He decided a ninja turtle helmet was absolutely necessary for consuming a quarter of a box of uncooked ninja turtle macaroni noodles. I know I could have stepped in to stop him or cook them, but there is a 100% guarantee that if I put time and effort into his food, he won't eat it. So I let him crunch away. 

I'ma be real with you. 

Somehow I thought that by the time I was in my 30's I would be rich, thin, and seemingly ageless. Something went terribly wrong.  I am currently 400 pounds over my "ideal" weight. I have no spare change. I am literally always tired. And I have stitches in my face because I wanted to get facelift at the plastic surgeon but all I could afford was to get two moles removed.

Later that day I went to the store to get something even though Grant offered to go. I was thinking that I should probably care a lot more about running into people with blood coming out of my face band aids. But my choices were that, or staying at home with the kids for the 2,000th hour of the day while Grant went. Naturally I chose to go scare the general public with my Frankenstein face.

The other day I bought a light bulb that was shockingly expensive.  I said to the sales woman, "Well, at least it lasts for 20 years." To which she responded, "Yes, you will never need another lightbulb again."  So, basically, I look like I'm 70?  Next time I will spring for the facelift.

Life is great and I am so lucky to have two adorable, funny, sweet kids and a hard working, involved husband. Trust me, I know that.  But damn life is intense right now. Half the time I am looking at my kids wondering how I got so lucky to have such good little angels. And the other half of the time I am getting yelled out because I couldn't fit all the play doh in Mr. Potato Head's butt,while counting down the seconds until either my husband comes home or until it is socially acceptable to start drinking. Unfortunately the latter always comes first. 

Maybe my 40's are when the smooth part of life begins. Until then, play doh and wine on repeat. 

I saw this picture in a magazine today.  They are selling David Yurman jewelry and absolute bull shit.

Oh My Adulthood

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Wow.  Life.  It's gotten a little intense.

It has me asking all these questions like:

Am I a bad mom because I am only truly content when my kids are sleeping?

How can I lose 15 pounds while also drinking all the wine and eating only carbs?

When will I ever actually have a good nights sleep again?

How the FUCK do people have more than 2 kids?

You know, sweet stuff like that.

Adulthood is a tricky little bitch.  Adulthood is a series of lame victories like saving $400 on car insurance, only to then receive a $500 bill for medical expenses from your husbands vasectomy the very same day.  Adulthood is being totally ok with that damn unexpected bill because $500 is way less scary than having a 3rd child.  Plus I would spend way more than that on the wine I would have to drink to survive having another child.

And if adulthood is a tricky bitch, than parenthood is it's slutty little mistress.  So fun, so exciting, so new, but sooooo much baggage.

And by baggage I meant literal bags of human excrement.  All day every day.  The day I get to toss one of my diaper pails is going to be a good day.  It means I will be hauling 50% less human feces to the garbage every week!  Yay!  But I am far from that day.  The only progress I have had potty training Jack so far is when he wanted to go potty AFTER pooping in his diaper (unbeknownst to me) twice.  Which was messy.  And then saying, "I need treat" 4,fucking,000,000 times after that.

Parenthood also means thinking you are going to save money to buy a bigger house soon because your kids' shit is absoutely exploding from everywhere and your in laws have to sleep on the couch when they visit, but then realizing that spending your money on entertaining your kids and unloading them at preschool three days a week is WAY more life changing than more square footage, or even groceries for that matter.

The crazy thing about having two kids is that there is no such thing as down time anymore.  You can't pawn the one kid off on your spouse to be free because now there is always, always this OTHER kid that needs things.  And she can't walk or talk or eat sandwiches, despite how much she wants to, so you always have to hold her or make sure she doesn't swallow more than the safe amount of Play Doh and it's just absolutely exhausting.

So when your husband comes home, has a beer, then says he has a dry throat, then has a glass of wine, then says he needs to go to bed at 7pm without helping put the kids to bed, it isn't the best.  But then when he reappears when the kids go to bed to say that he thinks he has enough energy to eat half of a brownie, it's kind of the worst.  But it also means that you get the rest of the bottle of wine and to be alone for the rest of the night.  Which, if you are anything like me, is the closest you will get to paradise for the next decade.  So you sit back, drink that damn wine, watch that beautiful TV, and never forget that there is a half of a brownie somewhere in the kitchen.

And for today, that's enough.

 

Surprise! You're a parent

Parenthood is full of surprises.  And I'm not just talking about the surprise of how much you will love your child.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I saw that coming.  I'm talking about the other "surprises" that affect your general being in ways you never could have expected.

Some of things that have taken me by surprise since becoming a parent are the following:

- The line at Chik Fila is never, ever, ever not long.  Even at 3pm when you think you will beat the crowd.  Even at 10:20 before they even start serving lunch.  But especially at 11:30 when you have a hangry toddler in the back seat crying for his "milky".  And of course at 5:30 when you want to get your kid and babysitter dinner and you show back up to your house after the babysitter gets there and just before you've eaten all your kids' fries.

- How long you can hold your bladder without peeing in your pants.  When you are out on the town with a toddler who has learned how to crawl under the bathroom stalls and away from you, you have a 30 second window to use the bathroom before they stop thinking toilet paper rolls are fun and flee the scene.  When you have a baby and a toddler, you are just totally screwed and might have to hold it until you become nauseous.

- You really need only 3 hours of good sleep to survive life.  And if you get 5+ you are Sleeping Beauty.

- Kids really do say the darnedest things.  Just this week I had Jack point out every single one of my spider veins on my legs and say, "Oh no, boo boo!"  And then a separate young child asked my if I was having a baby because my "tummy was so big".  I shutter at the thought of a full vocabulary from two children and the sweet things they might say to me then. 

- Toddlers are selfish monsters.  What's theirs is theirs and what's yours is definitely also theirs.  I could spend all afternoon making Jack a kid friendly meal for dinner that he usually loves.  But he will feed it to the dog in a heartbeat if it means he can steal my lettuce.

- As much as you can enjoy your children, when they are both asleep at the same time, there is no greater feeling of accomplishment in life.  And then the exact moment you sit down, one wakes up.

And finally,

- There simply isn't enough wine in the world. 

The surprises keep coming!!

Wine > Fear

I really didn't think I'd ever have the courage to take both kids out to a store together for a long, long time...and then I ran out of wine.

 

So I did it!  I took both kids to the grocery store, got my wine, beer, milk, and Diet Dr. Pepper,and no one had a meltdown.  It was a major victory.  And I didn't even buy a single solid food.

 

I'm sure someone was judging me somewhere because it was less than 40 degrees, I didn't get a single food item for my kids, and I was wearing a flannel shirt that made me look like a Latina cleaning lady.  But I got my wine damnit, and that has made all the difference.

 

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I'm not going to start shopping on the reg with both kids by any means because it is too nerve wracking and because I think I already need shoulder surgery from carrying both of them at the same time.  But for today, I am basically super woman (with a slight Chardo buzz).

Which Wich and Where?

The other day I had to take a continuing education class for my real estate license.  Which meant I had to pay a babysitter to be able to pay to be able to sit in a classroom for 5 hours.  It was so many different kicks in the pants at once.

But the point of the story is, as usual, a sandwich.

After the class was over I went across the street to one of my favorite sandwich spots in town, Which Wich.

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As I was driving home I thought about eating in the car because I was so hungry.  Then I decided I wanted to savor it at home while relaxing and watching Barefoot Contessa.

Then, suddenly, I remembered that I had a 1 year old and a very needy dog.  There would be no relaxing with my sandwich ever.  That's when I decided the more luxurious option was definitely to eat the sandwich at various stoplights on my drive home.

It's funny because as you grow up, you know being a parent will be challenging, you know you will have very little free time, you know you might be sleepy for the rest of your life.  But you never think about small details like the fact that the most carefree lunch you have outside of the house all year might be by yourself in your car while honey mustard drips on your lap.

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That is also the day that I realized people eating food in their cars aren't fatties who can't wait to eat.  They are just parents who want to nosh on a sandwich in private every once in a while.

The sandwich was delicious by the way.