December 20, 2011

Spirit in the sky

AKA, Airborne Ghetto.

If you want to experience a nerve-wracking, unsanitary travel situation, I have a recommendation for you.

Fly Spirit Airlines. But not just out of anywhere. Fly it out of Myrtle Beach, SC.

I flew to NYC this past weekend and it was gross.

My flight was full of nothing but Street Rats and Sort-of-thugs. I knew for sure that if Natural Selection applied to the open skies, that plane was surely going to blow up. And if not that, I thought for sure there would be a riot before takeoff. People were already not happy about something. It was an all around uneasy feeling.

Grant, who usually doesn't mind flying (much unlike me), even commented when we got on the plane, "Oooh great. Someone defacated on the seat next to me." The seats, which were covered in gunk and dirt, were also so small that I thought the large lady next to me might actually be stuck for good.

There were more weaves on that flight than in Wendy William's personal collection. And also there was this:

Do you see those nails?!?! This woman not only had skunk streaks in the front of her hair, and a set of headphones that suggested she thought she was in a Call Center, she also had 4 inch nails. I should have known when I saw her in the waiting area that she would be sitting right across from me.

It was equal parts disgusting and bizarre. The underside of those nails looked like crusty charcoal and will haunt me for ages. So really it was 90% disgusting and 10% bizarre.

Extreme Closeup!

She started off by pounding a Double-Vodka Cranberry on our return flight at 11:30am on a Sunday. Then she ate a Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croissant from Dunkin Donuts. To which she added 7 packs of salt. (Not exaggerating).

Then when she got snackish a little later, she ate what appeared to be a cheese flatbread. To which she added 2 packs of mayonnaise. And then, (commence dry heaving), when a little mayo squeezed out the sides because there was soooo much mayo, she would use her gross long nails as a shovel to scrape up the excess mayo and place it on another spot, lest she waste a mere ounce of lard. VOM!

I do, however, feel like I should commend her on the dexterity of her knuckles. But that's about all she could use.

Next time I'm going to pony up the extra hundy and fly a non-budget airline out of a non-trashy city. Flying is already a nightmare. I don't see the point in adding insult to injury.

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