Treadmill Fall Fail

Last week I saw a girl fall off of a treadmill.  HARD. 

Falling off of a machine with a loud, sonic thud, in a row of people behind you, in front of you, and beside you, is pretty much worse case scenario in my book.  You just can’t go back to being anonymous, at least for the rest of the day, and at least at that same gym.

I was craning my neck so hard to see how long she would stay and attempt to run, even after flying off of the treadmill in front of everyone.  

It is really hard to stare at someone who is behind you.  By about the fifth time I turned to check the blood flow from her knee and the brokenness of her spirit, she had vanished.

She lasted a lot longer than I would have.  I would have limped out of there with my tail between my legs faster than you could cry, “MEDIC” to address the blood that was gushing down her leg and surely a health code violation.

It reminded me, painfully, of a time in high school when I was working out at the local gym and my crush walked by.  In addition to just being a standard, semi-awkward high schooler, I also had braces and a lifelong bout with total lack of coordination.  Add that to the fact that the treadmills at this gym were all lined by a mirrored wall.  

Seriously, who’s genius idea was that?  Let’s be real people.  No one wants a reflection of their cellulite ever.  And especially not while it’s jiggling up and down on a treadmill.  Keep the mirrors in the weight room where they belong.

Anyway, my crush started talking to me, I fell off of the treadmill, into the mirror, with my braces…And I just got right back up and kept on running.

Oddly enough he was not impressed with my resilience.  In fact, he seemed more amazed with the fact that I was willing to pretend that I had not taken flight into a mirrored wall a mere moment before. 

Needless to say, our love didn’t last.  Neither did my stint as a jogger.  But now I am really careful at the gym though, so some good came out of it.

'Roid 'Ragin in the USA

Have you ever experienced hunger-related grumpiness?

I didn't know I suffered from this affliction until kind of recently. 
I now know, thanks to some delayed honesty, that every time I would get back from the gym after work, hungry and in need of a snack, I was apparently extremely unpleasant.

Grant, presumably trying not to anger the beast, would just try to bear with me until I had fed myself.  Until he finally broke down and asked me if I was taking steroids when I worked out.  Apparently I was that wretched.

Wow.  When you husband has reason to believe that you might be taking performance enhancing drugs just because you're being such a bitch, it might be time to rethink snack time.

Now I eat my yogurt in the late afternoon and am successfully avoiding all suspicions of 'roid rage.

That's what spouses are for - To support you through good, bad, sickness, and health.  And to tell you when you're so awful that you are scaring people.

Housekeeping Tip

Do you ever do your laundry with liquid detergent, only to wind up with a cruddy, sticky cap cup lined with leftover detergent goo?

I do, and I don't like it!  Recently I dropped my cap cup in my wash.  Instead of taking it out I decided to just leave it in there for the cycle and see what happened. 

What happened was that my clothes were totally unharmed, and my cap was totally clean as a whistle!

Gunk be gone!  Now my clothes can be clean and my detergent cupboard can be too :)

(You could also use the pump variety and avoid this altogether, but sometimes that just isn't the most economical version for sale).

There's a Hole in My Soul and a Gap in My Nail

In case you were fond of the top part of my fingernail, bad news. Its a goner. I slammed my finger in the door last night and got blood everywhere. And totally panicked and cried. And burned my steak.

Ironically, this was the fingernail I almost lost to a wart back in 2006. Hopefully it will come back for a third life. It has proven to be very resilient, and very prone to accidents. Cooking is dangerous...especially when your smoke alarm is over sensitive and you have to open the door to let smoke out. And very especially if instead of opening the door you just put your finger in it and crush your nail in half.

Also, there's this, which was essentially the pain induced genesis of my whole blog. I needed a platform to complain then and I need one now. This finger has seen a lot of heartbreak its oval shaped life.

This pain, coupled with the fact that I spilled my whole cup of cereal in my car this morning, is likely going to make my Case of the Mondays one of epic proportions.

Oh My Butt Crack

I just came across this monumental new development in the world of fashion, and butt cracks - The total butt-revealing dress. You must check out the pictures.

I am particularly fond of the crushed velvet, purple number. That is just what a curvy lady wants in a dress. Something to accent her saddlebags, her love handles, and her fat ass. Thanks Etsy member Ms. Petrauskiene for making so many girls' dreams come true!

These are clearly just made by a woman, for that same woman, with a major butt-fetish. What Etsy-Shopping, right-minded woman is going to walk around wearing a dress with her entire asscrack exposed?

The answer, surprisingly, isn't no one! According to this article, 11 people have already purchased her dresses. Gag gifts, I'm sure!

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm keeping my derriere under wraps for as long as humanely possible!

Future Love

My 2 year anniversary is in less than 2 months and it has made me think a lot about the future. It's really amazing to think that I will probably be married for about 60 years if I live to be 85ish. And I'm only 2 little years into that time frame. Daunting, isn't it!? Two years is nothing!

That is really crazy to think about! We've already had so much adventure and laughter and learning about each other. And it's only been 2 years! I just wonder how many more times we will make each other laugh, cry, and cry from laughing during the next 60 or so years. And maybe rage out a little bit sometimes too when I get mad. Gotta keep it interesting! (Again, assuming I don't get hit by a truck on my way home today.)

I can't wait to see what we're talking about when we are 70 and my boobs are at my waist and he can't hear because of ear hair interference. I bet it will still be about something epic like who gets the remote or what we are going to have for dinner. So far those are our big hot topics.

Mostly I think it will just be a little of this - http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/post/20768720920/when-my-boyfriend-leaves-for-work

And lot of this - http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/post/20818290289/fighting-with-my-boyfriend