H20 or Death

I am happy to say that I just finished my last water aerobics class with The Drill Sargent. I think her real name is Lisa but that is way too dainty of a name for this woman.

Her claims to fame include being able to wear XL Boys' board shorts and being a former stage manager. I mean, my God, she was a stage manager. She talked about how being a stage manager has affected her personality like a 4-star Military General might talk about why he likes strict order. The only difference is that on the one hand, you're leading our country's bravest and strongest into battle. And on the other, you are a thespian groupie wearing a headset, most likely because you didn't get an actual part in the stage production.

She also talked about her "trainers", both Brazilian and Japanese, as if she was a prize-winning cage fighter...not a water aerobics instructor at a Yacht Club in North Carolina.

Oh and in case you didn't know, the United States is decades behind Europe in the scientific developments of brain surgery water aerobics. Shame on you America. No, literally. She wants you to feel ashamed. That's kind of her thing.

Good News/Bad News

The good news is that I got a job, starting a week from today. I'll be working at a bakery! Which, believe it or not, is what I wanted to do...more on that later.

The bad news is that I will no longer be able to regale you with titillating tales of water aerobics.

I would love to know what the other ladies in the pool think about my prolonged presence in the class. I've seen other young people do it, but that is usually just for about a week when they are in town on vacation. I've been making cameos for a whole month now.

I am sure they are thinking, "Ok kid, quit freeloading on the Yacht Club membership, do something with your life, and quit trespassing on my circle in the pool."

Well ladies, the end is nigh. Thursday will be my grand finale in water aerobics, because my mom is leaving that day and I refuse to go to a 50+ year old class without a blood-related chaperone.

Next week I will be cracking eggs and taking names. And, God willing, purchasing a pair of chef pants.

Ink is 4Eva

Rich older ladies are funny.

I've been hearing about one of the water aerobics teachers for weeks now in classes, "The one with the giant tattoo wrapped around her body." So when I finally got to go to her class this morning I was expecting to see some horribly disfigured Girl With the Dragon Tattoo sort of situation. Alas, it was a tattoo on her stomach that was about 3 inches by 3 inches. Hardly big enough to call her the Water Aerobics Teacher With the Full Body Tattoo.

I guess the amount of money you have is directly disproportionate to the amount you understand that people with tattoos are not the devil.

The real mystery of the class for me ended up being trying to find out what the hell the tattoo was of. At first I thought it was a bag of movie popcorn, then a grocery bag full of kale. But she finally singled me out as the only person young enough to ever consider getting a tattoo, explaining that it was a huge mistake...Oh, and that it was a wizard.

Worst wizard ever.

H20 4EVA

I promise that DivaSaysWhat is not going to be a blog exclusively about water aerobics, but I just found out something awesome that deserves a water aerobics related post.

According to many articles I found online after a friend tipped me off, Mariah Carey credits her svelte figure (these articles are from 2008) almost exclusively to water aerobics!! Well, water aerobics and a "bleak diet" consisting of fish cooked "blandly" and soups.

Ick to the diet but yay for the water aerobics! That means that if I build my own indoor pool and have a personal chef keep hanging out with 60 year old woman from 8:30-10am every morning, I too can be a voluptuous diva like Mariah one day!!