Geomtric Pedi, By Non-Request

Do you notice anything odd about this photo?

 

 

 

Normally I would never put a picture of my toes on the Internet, especially with some fresh fire ant bites, but these toenails look way too much like the Boyz II Men diagonal afros* of yesteryear to not share.

 

Source

 

I think my pedicurist must have been on a hill, or one of her pedicure chair wheels is broken.  For all the toenails on my left foot are completely diagonal.  Maybe it's a new trend!?

 

*I am actually an expert on BIIM afros because my friend and I had a Boyz II Men party in middle school and we put an entire border around our party cake of alternating diagonal and traditional 'fros.  We were not your average white girls.

Quarter Life Pedicure

In honor of being a half-assed diva and my upcoming Birthday, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure during my lunch break.

I went in to my usual place, saw there was no line at all (!), and saddled up at the nearest pedicure chair. It was Birthday destiny.

Usually I'm very content to not talk to anyone during my pedicure, especially during the calf and foot massage portion. If you have ever been with me while getting a pedicure, you would know that this is the time I like to close my eyes and roll my head in fits of ecstacy, as a Vietnamese man makes my foot pain go bye bye.

But today my dude was one hell of a chatty Cathy!

We (he) talked about so many fascinating things. Like how he eats so fast he can't enjoy his food and he has developed a sort of stomach condition. Like how he once broke his hand after losing a battle with a front door because "women are crazy". And how he is saving up for a trip to Tokyo - not because he is Japanese, but because he loves sushi. And because his friend went and spent $40,000 in one month to impress the ladies, so he had to also. (I didn't have the heart to tell him there is a sushi restaurant down the street).

Then, because I was out of polite head nods, I told him that tomorrow was my Birthday. And, apparently, he did not know until that exact moment that he was turning 30 this year and that he extremely devastated about it.

For real, as he got progressively more upset about it during the 30 minute treatment, he said things like, "Oh my gosh! The big 3-0! I never thought this would happen to me. I am going to have to take 2 days off of work because I am going to drink myself crazy and because I'm too old to only have one-day hangovers!" Oh and, "I'm so fat now that I'm turning 30! If I eat one bite I gain a pound. Now I'm scared to eat! If I had to eat fattening air I'd just stop breathing." (That last one totally lost me too).

So much for my relaxing pedicure. I ended up spending my salon sesh talking this soon-to-be-3o-year old off a ledge.

Tomorrow I'll just cash in my free Birthday sub at Jersey Mike's at keep to myself.

Don't Slap It

I got a pedicure last week and noticed the oddest setting on the chair massage remote. FLAP. And also, FLAP & KNEAD.

Now I’m familiar with the traditional Asian-end-of-massage-fist bump- on the back, but I do not think I ever need to be FLAPPED. The sign on the remote is just of a hand. So it’s basically like a bitchslap for the back.

And I did end up trying it. All it does is make you involuntarily shimmy in your chair. Which, if you’re chesty, is not a good thing in front of a crowded salon. I prefer a traditional ­­­­­Rolling button setting. It might make my back/chest rise and fall a foot at a time, but at least it does it slowly so I don't look like a whore jiggling my boobs (ahem, Flap setting).

Don't slap me. And don't flap me.

BTW - Sorry for the poor picture quality, but I assure you that the grainy texture of the picture was worth it to see the mute girl doing my pedicure look at me like I was the craziest person in the world when I tried taking like 15 times.

She works hard for the bunion bunny

Today I got a pedicure with my mom at a lovely American-owned shop named Nail City.

The picture above was the scene we walked in to. It was pretty clear as she bounced between one old lady's manicure and one young lady's pedicure...underneath the table...that this was going to be a rushed situation.

Luckily the token-male Vietnamese nail tech showed up from lunch just in time to allow us all our own technician, however. So all lusciousness was not lost.

During the pedicures I also got to thinking how awesome it is that at every one of those walk-in nail salons there is always a matriarch. Which is usually a sassy Vietnamese lady who bosses everyone else around in what sounds like only consonants, while tossing on and off her denim wedges sandals and answering the phone.

The lady pictured above, under the table, was said matriarch. And, as expected, she kicked those wedged heels right off!

I also love how they suddenly ask you if you "no want eyebrow wax?" and "no want paraffin treatment on nails?", like it is going to suddenly dawn on you that your brows are bushy and that you are a hideous beast. That's not just bad sales, that's damn insulting.

Not so man-icure

While stuck in travel purgatory this entire day (my flight isn't until 3:50pm :( ), I decided to fill some of my 7 + hours of time to kill with a pedicure!

Not only was there one older man there getting a manicure, there was another younger man getting a pedicure.

And when I say pedicure I don't mean the kinda common man-icure of just cutting cuticles and filing nails.

This guy got a FULL ON pedicure, with bright red nail polish. Something I have never seen in all my years of Vietnamese salons.

I guess a diva is a diva is a diva (and is probably not into girls)!

Lonely teardrops

Getting hurt when you're alone is an interesting phenomenon.

The pain is still there. But since there is noone around to give you smpathy or attention, there is absolutely no reason to make a big deal out of it.

The best you could hope for is a dramatic renactment when your roommate returns, but that's not nearly as satisfying as someone being there in the flesh to backup your re-telling of the story.

Luckily, I have a guest coming in town tomorrow so I can complain to her ;)

And on the bright side, an incident like this totally justifies a self-pitying pedicure after work!!

When life hands you lemons, you should trade them for cucumber slices for your eyes and treat yourself to a spa day!