May 21, 2014

Go the F*ck to Sleep

Pretty much all my life it has taken me a minimum of one hour to fall asleep (sometimes 4), I could never take naps, and never, ever sleep on planes. 
Meanwhile my sister, while never officially diagnosed with narcolepsy, can fall asleep while watching a thriller, nap at the drop of a hat, and might never have actually seen a plane takeoff.
I was hoping my son's sleeping habits would take after his Dear Aunt Nancy.
No such luck. 
Not only has it taken him up to 3 hours to fall asleep on some occasions, he will actually sit there and stare into the monitor at you while you're hoping for him to slumber, like,
"I see you.  I know you're watching.  But sorry, this little guy is still wide awake!"
Have you heard of the miracle blanket?  It looks like a human torture device but the first time I used it he slept 6 hours straight...and then, no more miracles ensued.  He was sleeping 3 hours at a time until a couple of nights ago when he decided to go back to 2.5 increments, just to keep me on my toes and my under eyes black as night.
It looks like it's physically impossible to break out of this thing.  And I truly thought it was.  Until last night, when I woke up to feed him and he was basically wearing a miracle blanket fanny pack, arms free, legs  a' moving, blue cloth just dangling at his waist.  He is like the incredible hulk.  Or the Great Houdini.  But what he is definitely not is a sleeper like his Aunt Nancy.
I also tried a "dream feed" a couple of times and went to bed naively thinking that I wasn't going to hear from the little guy until 5am in the morning.  WRONG!
He chugged the bottle as if it was nothing and then woke up 2-3 hours later for more milk.  He's a hungry little fella!
The only good news about this sleep stubbornness and his fondness for spitting his pacifier out 16,000 times per night while drifting off is that, since I don't have the time or help to exercise for the foreseeable future, at least I get exercise in the form of short sprints every time I race to his room to put the pacifier back in before he loses it.
This will serve me well if I decide to join or flag football team.  Or get chased by an assailant who hates going in straight lines.


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