In New York

More on my trip to the Big Apple...

Well, as many of you know, I've been searching for the perfect wallet for about 3 months now. Remember this awesome exchange with some unexpected jabrones in Shanghai? After 10+ emails in highly broken English with a woman named Cherish, and the loss of a 5% international transaction fee, I was informed that OutletMichaelKors.com no longer had my order in stock. Splendid.

So I did what any low-brow unknowing southerner would do, I went to Bergdorf Goodman thinking I'd find something sensible there! I should have known after seeing the window displays that this was not the place for me.

Pardon the glare on most of these photos, but allow me to describe these confusing displays of fashion.

Below we have a Walrus dressed in a tuxedo, with his friend the Ram, and Lion, on a glacier. It was already about 30 degrees in NYC that day. I find it unlikely that one would be inclined to buy the haute couture on the one human in this display who is sitting on a glacier with well dressed arctic animals...but that's just me.

Next we have 2 albino birds in sparkly silver dresses. Nothing steps up a ball gown like a nice beak accessory. They should probably consider putting on some earrings though. I mean COME ON!

Behold the 3 teeth baring wolves staring at themselves in the mirror, dressed in blazers and fitted slacks. I simply do not remember the fairy tale from my youth that tells of the 3 vain wolves measuring each other's inseams. I must have been sick that day.


I am pretty sure that neon lighting says "Aggressive Night". I'll say! And it is weird that the strangest thing in this display is not the cardinal head? Look at that jacket! You may leave the runway.

Finally! Something traditional! A charcoal suit with a classic diagonal striped tie...on a lion who is bench-pressing in his Sunday best.



Needless to say Bergdorf's was not the home of my future wallet. I just "wasn't in the mood" for Prada or Chanel that day.

Other finds at other stores...


The toeless leather boat. For those chilly winter days when your body wants to be warm, but your heart wants to be a slut a show some unnecessary skin.

This one is hard to make out, but rest assured, the woman in the background was wearing ALL of her hair on one side of her head. And she had a LOT of hair. (The woman in the forefront is my #1 supporter of all things blog related. And my mom.)

Well gosh. I guess that's all! New York City is wonderful but most def not going to be my "forever home". I cherish things like backyards, glasses of wine under $15, and the ability to call a cab 15 minutes in advance, knowing that a toothless or over talkative country boy will pick you up and be your best friend by the time you reach your destination.

Unsuccessfully trying to hail a cab for 20 minutes, and/or running after a stranger I thought was my sister and getting in the wrong cab is just not good for my confidence.

I heart NC!

Spirit in the sky

AKA, Airborne Ghetto.

If you want to experience a nerve-wracking, unsanitary travel situation, I have a recommendation for you.

Fly Spirit Airlines. But not just out of anywhere. Fly it out of Myrtle Beach, SC.

I flew to NYC this past weekend and it was gross.

My flight was full of nothing but Street Rats and Sort-of-thugs. I knew for sure that if Natural Selection applied to the open skies, that plane was surely going to blow up. And if not that, I thought for sure there would be a riot before takeoff. People were already not happy about something. It was an all around uneasy feeling.

Grant, who usually doesn't mind flying (much unlike me), even commented when we got on the plane, "Oooh great. Someone defacated on the seat next to me." The seats, which were covered in gunk and dirt, were also so small that I thought the large lady next to me might actually be stuck for good.

There were more weaves on that flight than in Wendy William's personal collection. And also there was this:

Do you see those nails?!?! This woman not only had skunk streaks in the front of her hair, and a set of headphones that suggested she thought she was in a Call Center, she also had 4 inch nails. I should have known when I saw her in the waiting area that she would be sitting right across from me.

It was equal parts disgusting and bizarre. The underside of those nails looked like crusty charcoal and will haunt me for ages. So really it was 90% disgusting and 10% bizarre.

Extreme Closeup!

She started off by pounding a Double-Vodka Cranberry on our return flight at 11:30am on a Sunday. Then she ate a Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croissant from Dunkin Donuts. To which she added 7 packs of salt. (Not exaggerating).

Then when she got snackish a little later, she ate what appeared to be a cheese flatbread. To which she added 2 packs of mayonnaise. And then, (commence dry heaving), when a little mayo squeezed out the sides because there was soooo much mayo, she would use her gross long nails as a shovel to scrape up the excess mayo and place it on another spot, lest she waste a mere ounce of lard. VOM!

I do, however, feel like I should commend her on the dexterity of her knuckles. But that's about all she could use.

Next time I'm going to pony up the extra hundy and fly a non-budget airline out of a non-trashy city. Flying is already a nightmare. I don't see the point in adding insult to injury.

Sleepy Wine

I have a theory that I am currently pursuing. It is this: "Red wine makes my husband snore".

Among his many, many amazing qualities, he was blessed with the gift of not snoring. This is ideal for me because I cannot even sleep with the sound of my own thoughts running through my head. Let alone the nasal congestion of another lying next to me.

Come to think of it, I don't even know if I originally cared about his personality. Once I realized he didn't snore I knew he had to be mine. That' always been a top priority for my Mr. Right...I kid.

Now there's a new dynamic to this dream quality. Apparently the kryptonite of not snoring is red wine. One glass is all it takes to make my silent life partner a veritable back-of-throat machine gun. Luckily this doesn't happen often, because he probably drinks about one week night a month (oh the horror!), but when it does happen it highly amuses me...and then makes me one cranky beotch from lack of sleep.

As long as he keeps to a bi-monthly maximum it will make me curiously giggle. And it means more wine for me!

Ice Cream Sundays - Pistachio Pistachio

This flavor is extremely interesting! The main reason being that it is not even that sweet. Who would have thought that quality could exist in an ice cream?!

It's not very sweet, but it is very good. I might even use this as a pallet cleanser sometime...if I ever had a party fancy enough for such a thing. Which I never will.

But it's good just as a cool refreshing, semi-savory treat bite. It has delicious pieces of roasted pistachios mixed throughout and the ice cream itself is just tasty and simple. I recommend it to try at least. It might not be your favorite, but it will be the most perplexing ice cream you've tried this year!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 10

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Can you guess?? Still Strawberry Cheesecake!

Parme$an

Hold the phone.

Is anyone else out there aware of the Parmesan cheese racket going on in grocery stores these days?

Last night I decided to top some asparagus with a little freshly grated Parmesan and some lemon juice. Sounds simple, right?

Well I'll be damned if I didn't go into the Harris Teeter, scour the randomly placed fancy cheese cart, and find only 2 brand options of Parmesan Reggiano, the cheapest and smallest of which was $9.45.

Umm, what? Have I never used Parmesan Reggiano before? How did I not know how unbelievably expensive this shit is?

Now I'm in a really though situation. After watching hundreds of episodes of Giada At Home, I am now convinced I need to put freshly grated Parmesan Reggiano on everything. And after seeing how much it cost, I am now convinced I can't afford to put it on anything.

I ended up getting the Harris Teeter "Fancy Shredded Parmesan Cheese", which isn't fancy at all. It kinda doesn't even look like cheese. Nonetheless, it still tasted great when roasted over asparagus.

And, the best part, you don't even have to pronounce it like a fake Italian. Score one for the po' folk.

Give me awkward

I'm still refraining from any work related post at this time to be a good girl.

But I have one story I have to tell. And it's only vaguely related to work so what the hay.

Words I never thought I'd say: I just got my head shots taken.

It was in a warehouse building with one lone man with a mustache. Not only did he equate Photoshopping my pictures to slipping me a Roofie (not what you want to hear when you are alone with a strange man in a random building), he also made me watch him while he photoshopped my picture. I can't think of a more uncomfortable situation for a person who already hates having her picture taken. This just in, apparently my lips are crooked and I have broad shoulders.

Oh and Carole King just came out with a new Christmas album. He made me listen to it with him while he virtually removed my zits and whitened my teeth. Boy do I feel beautiful!

And now, naturally, I'm perspiring and shaking off lots of lingering awkwardness.

In other semi-work related news, tonight is our Christmas party. This is my favorite time of year no matter where I work because I love the first foray into the personal lives of the people you spend every working day with. You get to see if they drink, how much, what their spouses look like, and, my personal favorite, what kind of jeans they wear!

All of my current coworkers are actually really attractive and normal so I'm not expecting any unexpected mom jeans or drastic mismatches in terms of couples. But who's to say about the drinking aspect!? There could be a token drunken slut episode!! Fingers crossed!