Thoughts on Motherhood - 6.5 Months

1. The first thing I say every time I hear Jack wake up on the monitor is "What time is it!?"  I basically don't even care if I got good sleep or not.  I just need to know if Jack has slept through the night.  It's like the mom version of being superficial.  But instead of caring about clothes, appearance, etc., I care more about hours of sleep slept versus actually being well rested. 

 

I don't actually care what time it is.  Why would I?  I live in the most adorable version of groundhog day and have nothing to do.  I just need to know that my baby will one day sleep from 7-7.

 

Admitting you have a problem is the first step...

 

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2. Alarms no longer exist.  If there are things to be done that involve waking up before a baby wakes you up, I do not want to do them.  Unless it involves being in a Caribbean time zone.  And me being on vacation.  And the baby being in a different time zone.

 

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I basically haven't woken up naturally in over 6 months.

 

3. I have started following so many mommy blogs on Facebook that, since I read almost every post in detail, I am almost always either laughing my ass off or quietly weeping on my phone. 

 

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The humor about shared experiences and sadness about parental loss is real and deep and constant on social media.  Tissues not included.

 

4. I think I finally got my shit together.  6 months later.  And I'm not talking about baby weight.  In fact, let's never speak of baby weight again, mmkay?

 

I'm talking about prioritizing the shit out of my time.  When Jack was first born, I used all of his sleepy time to catch up on TV shows.  Now that he only takes 2-3 naps a day I try to be like a naptime ninja so I feel more accomplished.  Today in his afternoon nap I painted an entire dresser AND bathed myself.  Miracles do happen.

 

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5. The whole "not having a job" thing has finally caught up with me in terms of my fun money cash flow.  AKA, fun money is a thing of my Jackless past.  That being said, I will also paint your dresser.  For $100.  But I'll need at least a week to do it.  And for you to take care of my child during the painting of each coat.  Don't everybody call at once.

 

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6. I love Fall!  I can finally pile on the layers I love so much and stop worrying about my alabaster baby getting a heat rash every time we step outside.  Life is good!

 

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Co Crib Sleeping/WTF?

In the last 6 months I've come across numerous chat boards, blog posts, Facebook groups, etc. with people saying that when their child becomes truly inconsolable and refuses to sleep, they either rock them to sleep, put the child in their bed, or get in the crib with the child.

 

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Now I'm not here to take aim at this attachment style of parenting.  I sure don't do it.  Hell, I cannot imagine a worse sleep than having a baby in my bed.  I lasted 3 weeks sleeping in the nursery with my child before I decided mama needed her overhead fan and way more space than a twin bed could offer.

 

My real issue here is with the people who can fit in the crib with their babies.  Who are these people?  How do they fit in a crib in the first place?  Much less with a sad baby.

 

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I bet it's the type of tiny little bitches who shop in the petite section and lose all their baby weight in two weeks. 

 

If I tried to get in the crib with Jack, first I'd probably just fail in initial execution and fall over the railing before I even made it in.  Then, if I made it in, I would likely suffocate the poor child with my sheer mass.  I do no understand this method of soothing. 

 

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding it?  Regardless, I will not be attempting it.  I don't have the money to buy a new crib which would surely buckle underneath my weight.  Nor the effort to stay awake long enough to make sure I didn't smother my child.

 

Are lots of you moms out there doing this? 

So I married a white man

Does anyone else feel like they are constantly telling there husband to "Quit leaving your trident around the house!"

 

Note to self, clean the crap out of back door this weekend.

 

Or is it just me?

 

It's awkward when you have to explain it to him too.  You know, that's it's a "stab hazard".  The picture above was taken a week after I found it laying horizontal on a table in the garage.  Just waiting for some innocent person's stomach or baby's head to walk into it.

This Just In...You're Fat

One of my greatest fears in life is being the bottom half of the person in TV segments about obesity and growing waist sizes. 

 

You know the ones I'm talking about.  When they start telling you about the correlation between expanding 2 waist sizes every 10 years and increased risk of getting cancer.  Or about sugar in drinks and snacks.  Then they show a myriad of fat headless bodies walking around various parts of the country.

 

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I'm sure they don't tell these people that they are going to be the visual representation in a news segment on the metabolic demise of our country.  They probably don't have to since they never show faces.  So can you even imagine the horror you would feel if you were just sitting back, eating your Doritos, watching the evening news and all of a sudden you see YOUR body jiggling around a generic looking park scene warning the nation about the perils of being so fat that your stomach covers your no-no place?

 

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I'd like to thing I'm at least 100 pounds away from being the poster child for fat induced cancer, but it is things like these that keep me going back to the gym.  Oh, and the complimentary child care.

Chicken Enchilada Stuffed Spaghetti Squash

I made this recipe last week with my friend during my same sex week at the beach and I highly recommend it!

 

Chicken Enchilada Stuffed Spaghetti Squash

 

 

 

It was delicious and beautiful and actually quite easy to put together with the help of an already cooked rotisserie chicken.

 

We each got a half of the spaghetti squash.  We laughed at first because we accidentally got the largest spaghetti squash possible and it looked like a feast.  But due to the light nature of the spaghetti squash itself, the fact that she is pregnant, and the fact that I am a professional eater, we managed to eat almost the entire half each.

 

You can also stuff this with lasagna ingredients and anything else you can assemble and stuff.  It wasn't just delicious.  It was a show stopper!

Sour Sweet Tooth

What in the world is wrong with people?

 

Mom Bakes Vagina Cookies For 2nd Graders

 

Here is the original story on Reddit.

 

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*I didn't have the courage to post a picture of vagina cookies so this is in lieu of that horrifying image.

 

 

I have so many questions about this entire situation and the radical feminist mother who brought in said Vagina Cookies. 

 

First, why is this even on Pinterest? 

 

Who is pinning this? 

 

What occasion calls for vagina cupcakes?

 

A lesbian party?  No, wait, that can't be.  I'm straight and I've never thrown a penis party.

 

Announcing that you are having a baby girl?  That can't be it either because that's ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

 

Second of all, I don't want to say this is a double standard, because hopefully this isn't a standard AT ALL.  But can you even imagine the uproar if a dad brought in penis pound cakes and told a teacher that he should be "proud of his penis"?  That dad would be carted off to pervert jail or put on a watch list faster than a second grader can learn Phonics. 

 

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Thirdly, can someone please give the poor kid whose mom brought in vagina cookies a big hug.  And maybe a courtesy call to Child Protective Services?