Is the Doctor in?

Recently I had the distinct pleasure forced experience of watching the Dr. Oz show at the gym.  I always wonder who sets those TVs to these ridiculous shows.  Anyway...

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The episode that aired that day was nothing short of horrifying.  The title of the episode was "Dr. Oz Answers Your Most Awkward Questions of All Time!" and the awkward questions involved the following topics:

1)  Butt acne
2) Jog-gasms
3) Excessive sweating
4) Being asked when you are due when you are not even pregnant

People, Google exists for a reason.  You can figure out everything you need to know about why you have zits on your butt and why light cardio makes you randy.  You do not need to go on national television to announce this to Dr. Oz and shame your family name forever.

Any what to do about that last issue seems pretty simple.  Eat less cheeseburgers.

What all the awkwardness here: Dr. Oz Answers Your Most Awkward Questions of All Time!

Footlong

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I love how Subway is touting their February Footlong special as "The Biggest Footlong Event of the Year".

First of all, don't feel too special.  I'm pretty that's also the only Footlong Event of the Year.

Second of all, it's only February.  The year just started.

I hope I never win that contest.  I need a lifetime of endless footlong sandwiches like I need a whole in my Spanx.

Tap Taparoo

Last night's Oscars were just swell.  The highlight for me was definitely the musical montage featuring Chicago, Dreamgirls, and Les Miserables.

The low light was when this random lady gave the most pitiful little clap of all time following Jennifer Hudson's super fierce performance:

She just kept two-finger-tapping the clasp on her clutch.  That clearly is making no noise.  Show a little respect you anonymous lady.  That is not only one of the best power ballads in the history of cinema.  It's also the #1 song my sister and I like to belt out after a few cocktails and pretend we can sing...like, until our faces hurt and we are seriously winded.  Which will hopefully be happening this weekend when we reunite.

Watch the faux clap here:

Head Cold to the Max

Yesterday I went through a whole box of tissues and most of the skin on my nose.  Now all I want to do is this, to myself:

It was only a matter of time before I became infected after writing this.  Ow.

Grocery Store Adventures

You know what really rubs my rump (I may be taking some artistic liberties with that expression)?  When you go to the grocery store with reusable bags and good intentions...and then you get 2 forty pound bags overflowing with groceries...and 2 limp, empty bags with nothing in them.

Why, oh why, would any bagger think that is kosher?  Just because I care about the environment doesn't mean I don't care about having to schlep 2 grocery boulders to my car with my extra lifeless bags blowing in the wind.



Use all 4 bags.  Make the weights equal.  Make sense.

Why does this make me laugh so hard every time?

It's like one word: "I may be smalloooowooo!"

It makes me giggle.