From Target to Me to You

Somebody please go buy this dress at Target before they are all sold out.  They are SO cute!  They look like a lot of Lilly Pullitzer dresses I've seen in recent summer seasons.  But guess what!?  Instead of the $200+ that Lilly would charge you, Target will only charge you $24.99!!!

 

They, especially the green, look less "lacy" and more classy in person.

 

What. A. Steal!

 

I absolutely love the blue and green colors.  It also comes in white and black.  I can just picture the belle of the ball/any Southern bridal shower wearing this and fooling people into thinking she all big money.

 

Unfortunately the smaller size was too short and the larger size was too large, so I didn't get one.  Don't you sometimes which there was a size called a Smedium or a Marge?  You can't just put me in a medium sized box Target!

 

Someone I know has to buy this.  I can't find the link online but they are in store now and you will just beat yourself up if you see this on some stylish lil' thang next spring and don't have one of your own! 

Wolf

I saw this gem in the window display of a vintage store in downtown Wilmington last weekend. 

This is good for a lot of reasons but mainly because it is always wise to have a giant wolf painted on your genitals.  And it's a totally non-form fitting sack of fabric to boot!  This can ensure that your Milkshake will NOT bring all the boys to the yard.  Stay fashionable and celibate this season!

Pair with a dangly-fur cape and you are set for the brutal hipster winters of downtown Wilmington.

 Winning Wolfing!

 

Non-Orthopeadic Like Woah

I want to bitch slap this idea.  Front-heeled Shoes

The article says these shoes are "scary beautiful".

 

Source

 

The writer of this here article says these are scary stupid.  The style of these shoes and the angle of the dangle of the person wearing them reminds me so much of livestock I can't even stand it, or explain it.

 

While I'm sure Lady Gaga will be all over these babies, I for one will not be joining the trend.  I will also desperately have to resist the urge to trip any person I might see wearing these insane shoes, because you know shit ain't stable.

 

I implore you to watch the video on the bottom of this article.  Homegirl looks like she has a cattle prod up her ass. 

 

Source

 

No thanks!  I think I'll stick with my flip flops and tennis!

 

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny 3D Printed-Out Bikini

Will wonders never cease?  I just read an "article" about a bathing suit that you can print on your 3D printer.  Because...people were asking for that I guess?

Check out the article here.

Anyway, I just thought I should point out a few of the obvious flaws of this bikini, besides being totally unattractive.

First, you can see right smack dab through the bottoms.  Unless you can also print coupons for free laser hair removal on that 3D printer, you might just want to go to Target and get a non-ridiculous bathing suit for $20.

Second, the length of the straps on the top make the model's boobs like they are about to fall into her belly button.  That's not what any girl wants, so might I suggest switching to Letter size instead of Legal size paper?  Shorter straps could really perk this whole situation up.

The good news is that it's waterproof.  The bad news is...everything else.

I really wish people this creative could learn to use their powers for good, instead of evil.

Oh My Butt Crack

I just came across this monumental new development in the world of fashion, and butt cracks - The total butt-revealing dress. You must check out the pictures.

I am particularly fond of the crushed velvet, purple number. That is just what a curvy lady wants in a dress. Something to accent her saddlebags, her love handles, and her fat ass. Thanks Etsy member Ms. Petrauskiene for making so many girls' dreams come true!

These are clearly just made by a woman, for that same woman, with a major butt-fetish. What Etsy-Shopping, right-minded woman is going to walk around wearing a dress with her entire asscrack exposed?

The answer, surprisingly, isn't no one! According to this article, 11 people have already purchased her dresses. Gag gifts, I'm sure!

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm keeping my derriere under wraps for as long as humanely possible!

In New York

More on my trip to the Big Apple...

Well, as many of you know, I've been searching for the perfect wallet for about 3 months now. Remember this awesome exchange with some unexpected jabrones in Shanghai? After 10+ emails in highly broken English with a woman named Cherish, and the loss of a 5% international transaction fee, I was informed that OutletMichaelKors.com no longer had my order in stock. Splendid.

So I did what any low-brow unknowing southerner would do, I went to Bergdorf Goodman thinking I'd find something sensible there! I should have known after seeing the window displays that this was not the place for me.

Pardon the glare on most of these photos, but allow me to describe these confusing displays of fashion.

Below we have a Walrus dressed in a tuxedo, with his friend the Ram, and Lion, on a glacier. It was already about 30 degrees in NYC that day. I find it unlikely that one would be inclined to buy the haute couture on the one human in this display who is sitting on a glacier with well dressed arctic animals...but that's just me.

Next we have 2 albino birds in sparkly silver dresses. Nothing steps up a ball gown like a nice beak accessory. They should probably consider putting on some earrings though. I mean COME ON!

Behold the 3 teeth baring wolves staring at themselves in the mirror, dressed in blazers and fitted slacks. I simply do not remember the fairy tale from my youth that tells of the 3 vain wolves measuring each other's inseams. I must have been sick that day.


I am pretty sure that neon lighting says "Aggressive Night". I'll say! And it is weird that the strangest thing in this display is not the cardinal head? Look at that jacket! You may leave the runway.

Finally! Something traditional! A charcoal suit with a classic diagonal striped tie...on a lion who is bench-pressing in his Sunday best.



Needless to say Bergdorf's was not the home of my future wallet. I just "wasn't in the mood" for Prada or Chanel that day.

Other finds at other stores...


The toeless leather boat. For those chilly winter days when your body wants to be warm, but your heart wants to be a slut a show some unnecessary skin.

This one is hard to make out, but rest assured, the woman in the background was wearing ALL of her hair on one side of her head. And she had a LOT of hair. (The woman in the forefront is my #1 supporter of all things blog related. And my mom.)

Well gosh. I guess that's all! New York City is wonderful but most def not going to be my "forever home". I cherish things like backyards, glasses of wine under $15, and the ability to call a cab 15 minutes in advance, knowing that a toothless or over talkative country boy will pick you up and be your best friend by the time you reach your destination.

Unsuccessfully trying to hail a cab for 20 minutes, and/or running after a stranger I thought was my sister and getting in the wrong cab is just not good for my confidence.

I heart NC!

Footwear to nowhere

Last week I was watching the Home Shopping Network flipping through channels on TV when I came across an infomercial for these shoes.

Now I want to call these shoes ugly, but I'm afraid that's not a strong enough description.

To me these shoes are not even worthy of the world's most bunion-riddled, corn-having footsies.

I would rather walk barefoot across hot coals then put these fugs on my feet.

"Lace Up Jazz Shoes"? No thanks. They looked bad enough when I was actually doing jazz dancing in the 5th grade.

Check them out online here, because the picture above doesn't do them justice. This picture makes them look freaking awesome compared to how they look in the "Cognac" and "Black" options.

The funniest part about the infomercial, besides Steve Madden himself associating his actual face with these disasters, is that he described them as both "Annie Hall" and "Weekend getaway shoes".

Question Steveo: Where the hell are you "getting away"? Do you summer at the fugly camp for paupers? Because that is what those shoes make me think of. That, and sweeping chimneys.

Around Town

I saw this gal yesterday bee bopping around town.

Although I'm not sure you can call it bee bopping when you're clunking around in loud clogs, smoking a cig at 4:30 in the afternoon.

I'm not one to discount a woman's right to express herself through clothing, but I did not appreciate the ass view that her 80s, acid-washed jorts afforded me.

But kudos on the green hair and pink tummy tee. That is just good fashion sense.

Express Yourself

I’m going to start keeping a list of the things that my husband says I look like when he first sees my outfits in the mornings. Because it’s just that unbelievable. And because I think he thinks they are compliments.

So far we have the following:

1) A Newspaper – Black pants, cream colored sweater with white piping

2) A Spider – Black pants, black sweater with white designs

3) The Blue Bandit – This was yesterday. Nothing starts your morning out right more than hearing “Wooooah, it’s the blue bandit!” when walking down the stairs. I’ma go ahead and donate that shirt to Goodwill…along with my Twilight books that I was just horrified to rediscover that I own.

4) Bonus* Cocktail Edition: A flamenco dancer – Black dress with a flowy neckline. From girls I get tons of compliments on it. My husband, however, hates it. Apparently I can’t pass as a sexy Latina woman?

Either I need a stylist or he needs a thesaurus.

Stay tuned for Spring wear! That should open up a whole new category of poetic, well-intended insults.

Pledge This

As much as I hate on paper but secretly love in real life Lilly Pulitzer, I hate-hate this: http://www.lillypulitzer.com/accessories+gifts/new-sorority-prints/icat/sorority/&bklist=icat,4,shop,accessoriesandgift,sorority

People who join sororities and fraternities have enough of a hard time convincing people that they aren't snobby jerks.

Let's not make it any harder on these Greek-holes by tempting them with subliminal messages hidden in their Spring pastels.

Lilly you's a sneak ho!

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Recently I decided to go through my clothes and see if there are some things I don't wear anymore. And boy did I find a lot of it!

And this isn't just due to the "ever-expanding ass causes ever-shrinking wardrobe" syndrome that I've been suffering from for the better part of a decade.

It's because, I dare say, I'm officially becoming an adult. Not just the kind who pays taxes. But the kind who decidedly does NOT wear tummy tees.

I thought it would be hard to get rid of so many clothes, but I flew through that crap with reckless abandon. And it felt goooood.

There's something very liberating about knowing that you will never again have to even pretend to be able to pull off a tube top. Particularly without a protective blazer or cardigan. But cardigans as the main event...now there's something I can get on board with!

The older I get the more I think, "More is more."

Spending All My Brain

I think that one of the hardest things that a modern day woman has to go through is what I like to call the Wallet Change. If you're like me, you keep things until they are so worn out that people give you dirty looks. That means you get pretty used to your stuff!

I finally switched wallets (to this) last week because mine had grown old and weary and I needed a colorful diddy for Spring. Well for the last week I have been, for lack of a better word, trippin. Everytime I take that colorful wallet out to pay I fumble around for cards and cash like I've never used currency before.

Has anyone else out there had adjustment issues with wallets and purses? Keeping up with the seasonal trends isn't just hard on the budget. It's hard on the brain!

Sunny with a chance

Ever notice how any sunglasses you buy for under $100 do NOT come with a proper case?

It's like they want you to sit on your shades and break them so that you will have to buy another pair, and another and another...

Oh wait, that probably is why they do that.

I just got these babies from Anthropologie, but of course instead of charging me $10 more and giving me a legitimate case, I get a petite burlap bag to put them in. Swell.

I wish they would save the money they spend on copious amounts of decorative tissue paper and just give me a damn case.

And in happier news related to the sun, it is supposed to be 75 degrees here today...in the middle of February!

Dearest Juliet

I am wearing this sweater today with black pants.

In my opinion, this outfit is neither here nor there. Just clothes, no statement.

Well mi esposo told me this morning that I looked like, "Something black and white...Oh I know, a newspaper!"

Isn't he a sweetie!? That's exactly the look I was going for!

Then, maybe thinking that it wasn't the nicest thing to say, he changed his mind and said I looked like a skunk.

Some guys just really have a way with words. I've got my very own Shakespeare!

Aren't they a beaut!

I just received an email addressed to my mom and myself. My mom and I are both pretty much known for our fashion risks and styles, so it only seems fitting that my sister would write to us saying that if we ever bought stilettos, she hopes we buy these.

http://www.newhighmart.com/shop/item/938/Grey-Ant-x-Teva-Stiletto/

And why wouldn't we?

They're chunky, they're hideous, they don't look any more comfortable than regular stilettos, and they look great with thick winter socks!

My favorite part about this product however, besides the "in action" adverstisements, is the warning: *Not recommended for actual hiking, gardening, mountain climbing, or Phish concerts.

Oh, and that they cost $330.00.

Mcydees

It's pretty clear from the abovemost picture that I've always been adorable.

But here's what you didn't know.

I haven't always been a diva.

Take a closer look at the second picture.

That's right, those shorts are from the MCDONALD'S line.

Yep that's right, apparently that was a real thing back in the day. And apparently my mom gave them to me whilst I was receiving a haircut with a bowl over my eyes.

Otherwise I'm sure I would've insisted for a more proper brand name...but not really because I still only pretty much wear Gap and Target. But you get it.

Once a diva...once a McDonald's wearing white trash.

How far we've come??? Not that far....

Who wears (the same) short shorts?!

How is it this hot when it's almost November?

According to my internal thermometer, and weather.com, it's a balmy 73 degrees right.

And you know what that means? All the college girls are back in their shorts.

But not just any shorts...These shorts (above)

I would say that at least 1.8 out of every 2 girls on campus has these shorts in some color. I'm not saying they aren't great, because I have never tried them on. But they certainly aren't doing much to dismiss the stereotype that the UNC campus is too homogenous.

Take a tip from the pros ladies. Get a real job, gain a few lbs, and get self conscious. That way you won't want to wear shorts anymore and you will be forced to be unique!

Heil brandnames!

You know the expression, "That's just something ugly people say"?

Well, this might just be something poor people say, but I do NOT like name brand logos on anything.

The above pictures are some examples of what I'm talking about. Sunglasses are explained later.

To me these logos are just expensive ways of letting everyone else know that you are able to spend lots of money on shoes, etc. while they are not.

And don't even get me started on fakes. Buying a fake Rolex, Gucci purse, or Coach wallet is like saying, "I don't make enough to spend a ridiculous amount on accessories, but I want people to think I do so they will feel inferior, even though we are in the same socioeconomic status." It's basically like wanting to be pretentious, instead of just being pretentious. Which me thinks is a major offense.

Anywho, back to Earth...my mom told me a story yesterday that just filled my heart with delight.

She said one of the ladies in her bridge group told a story of her young grandson who was just learning symbols in school.

He asked her, "Gigi, why do you have a swastika on your shoes?"

Pause for guttural laughter and to let you guess what the brand name the shoes were?

If you guessed Tory Birch you're right! And probably a brand whore yourself...J/K

How funny is it that someone would spend $195 on shoes only to be mistaken for a Nazi?

Don't get me wrong. People can wear whatever the hell they want. But until I can come out with my own DSW brand of super sexy, slimming, elastic banded, stain resistant clothing, all for under $10, the only brand name I'll be wearing is the Bud Light I accidentally spilled on my jeans...which, by the way, only cost $25 ;)

P.S. One time I went to NYC with some gals and their moms when I was about 12. Every other girl my age bought fake Oakleys. I, and the 6 year old little sister of my friend, bought glasses that looked like the Statue of Liberty with spikes, stripes, and stars (pictured above). Apparently I've always been this obnoxious.

I refuse

Was anyone else aware of this ridiculousness?

Yesterday while cruising the beer section at Harris Teeter for far too long, I came across not one, but two varieties of Ed Hardy beer. I almost fell backwards right into the North Carolina red wine section.


I can only imagine the distinct flavor of the hops, barley, and hair gel this is brewed with.


The most offensive part? Besides the vicious lion and one-eyed skull on the packaging? They costs $9.99 per 6-pack.


The slogan on their website says "It's not just a brand. It's a lifestyle."


I'll say! No truer words have ever been spoken.

All my stylish ladies

Hey you!

Have you ever heard of Boden USA?

http://www.bodenusa.com/

Check out the website or, better yet, getchu a catalog.

Something about these clothes makes me feel like I have to have them or I'll die.

Oh wait, does that make me sound materialistic? Oh well...

If you order anything before October 22 you get 10% off and free shipping and returns.

Even though I'm trying desperately to save money, I literally had to order 2 dresses and a shirt last night.

Maybe it's because the company is based out of England, but I seriously feel in my heart that if I don't own these clothes immediately I am going to miss out on a huge international opportunity.

As I always say: SHOP ON DIVAS, SHOP ON!