Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - It is what it is Bracelet

It Is What It Is Bracelet

Let me start by saying this is one of my all-time most hated expressions. 

It's simple.  It's dumb.  It's too obvious to be a real expression in the first place.  And it makes you sound like an idiot.

But please, Sky Mall Magazine, by all means make this into a piece of jewelry and encourage people to keep saying it!  

Source

NOT.

As I was looking this item up online to get a link to it, can you even imagine my surprise to discover that there are 43 reviews for this product on the Sky Mall website!?  That means that 43 people out of who knows how many actually paid for this item in earnest, gave it careful consideration, and then took the time to write a review about it.  If I had to guess, I'd bet that only about 5% of online buyers actually post reviews.  Even though I'm totally making that number up, if I'm right that means that something like 1,000 people have actually bought this bracelet!!!

What the hell!?

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - Insta Slim Just for Men

Sky Mall strikes again.  This time with "The Original Proven Slimming T-Shirts Just for Men".

Source

I'm pretty sure it's a widely known fact that men should not wear tank tops.  Ever.  So you would think it would go without saying that under no circumstances should they wear what is basically the Spanx version of a tank top.

But apparently not.  According to Sky Mall "Millions Sold Worldwide".

Who wouldn't rather have a man with a little bit of belly fat over a man wearing a spandex tank top serving only the purpose of vanity?  Not me.

I like my men like I like my butter.  Real and full fat.

"Nothing to lose but your lumps, bumps, and bulges."  They forgot to mention all of your dignity and any chance at ever getting laid again once this garment is revealed.

Source

Please note in this picture above that the man is wearing women's underwear.

Here's a revolutionary idea.  Eat less and exercise.  It cost less than buying shape wear from Sky Mall Magazine and you won't have to go about your day knowing that you are no better than any other insecure lady underneath your button up.

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - One of a kind shirts, for one of a kind men

One of a Kind Shirt

 

Too expensive to be a joke, but too stupid to be real.

Source

 

The shirt option pictured above reminds me of Tom Hanks in the movie "Big".  It's like a man, who really isn't an adult, decided this shirt was appropriate just because it had a pocket and buttons.  Never mind the fact that it is made of patterns that include constellations, the pin stripes of a 1920's pimp, a race car driving collar, and neon swatches that look like they belong under the sea.

 

Just because you can exchange US Dollars for something, it doesn't mean it's a real thing.

 

Unless you are a quilt, 10 different fabrics is 8-9 fabrics too many.  I don't care if you are a mash up of pastels, neutrals, or Argentinian clubbing prints.  Less is more.

 

Source

 

Bonus: "Because these shirts are a piece of art, the color and pattern is not revealed until the package is opened."  

 

So that means you don't get to know if you are going to be a Grade A douche bag or just a mid-level one until your shirt arrives.  Oh, what fun!!

 

"A One Of A Kind shirt allows you to show that you're an individual, that you're a little different than everyone else and you want them to take notice of who you are."  Oh, and that you are a gullible idiot who just paid $129.99 for the biggest apparel eye sore since the Wolves Howling at the Moon shirts, which I still don't get.

 

Source

 

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - Nettlestone Library Ensemble

I'm currently in the air most likely reading another riveting copy of Sky Mall magazine.  This find, however, comes from Early Spring 2013 edition that I just unearthed while cleaning my desk.

 

The Nettlestone Library Ensemble

 

 



Source



There are a lot of stupid things in Sky Mall Magazine, but few are stupider than a $1000 table that daylights as a bookshelf. 

 

Why would that be necessary?  Are out-in-the-open tables something to be ashamed of? 

 

Or do some people just prefer the arduous task of assembling their table before each use?  Heaven for bid the table be sitting ready for...well, sitting.

 

 

First of all, books don't look like this.  Closed, open, big, small -- they just don't. 

 

 

 

This is the table in it's table form:

 

Source

Perfect table for a tea party! 

 

It actually has wonderful reviews which made me feel like a cynical bitch.  It also reminded me that for most of my life we had a coffee table that was a set of faux books and I loved it. 

 

Nonetheless, $1000 for fake books you sit on.  No thanks Sky Mall.  You lose again.

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - DMX Gi

This is for the On-the-Go Ninja.

I mean seriously, who makes an impulse purchase of a custom tailored karate suit while they are traveling. Sky Mall magazine, you may specialize in all things random, but know your audience.

When was the last time you sat next to a black belt on a flight to the Big Apple? That’s right. Never.

Also, the description “Its design and style move with you like water around a boulder,” neither excites nor tempts me to purchase. In fact, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t even make sense.

Oh well, at least they offer it in pink…for the diva ninja or intensely gay mix martial artist.

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - Releaf Neck Rest

Another set of flights, another set of craptastic finds from Sky Mall Magazine.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102686054&c=10980

Today's gem is the Releaf Neck Rest. "Great for many everyday situations...sleeping upright, watching TV."

Who sleeps upright besides horses? And who can't hold their own head up to watch TV past the age of 3 months old?

You know why you rest so well?

Because there is no blood flowing to your brain! You have just successfully suffocated yourself to sleep on the plane.

Thanks Sky Mall for solving another one of those major life problems that doesn't even exist!

Fluff TV

Whoever invented this has got to be a former member of the brain trust known as Sky Mall Magazine.

The Pillow Remote.

I saw a commercial for this pillow last night in which it was being touted as the next big, chic thing. And then they added, "Just don't sit on it."

So you know that thing has a lifespan of about one week, before your drunk friends swan dives on the couch and banishes you to the same channel for life.

Sometimes it's ok to not "reinvent" a product. A remote control might be one of them.

And please, look how ridiculous the guy above looks. Can you imagine his buddies' reaction when they come over for a Superbowl party and Pillow Pauly up there daintly grabs his pillow to turn up the volume? "Sorry boys, be careful with the pillow!!! (with lisp)" I don't see this going mainstream.

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - The Simple Lasagna Pan

Finally, someone has invented the lasagna…matrix?!

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203469304&c=

You know who is going to be excited about this? The zero people who have ever said that getting lasagna out of an ordinary pan was hard.

Sucks for the person that gets served that little section between each branch of the maze with no noodle!

And $50 for this piece of stupid?! Talk about putting a $100 saddle on a $10 horse! Lasagna is not an expensive dish!

I think I'll save my $50 for the ingredients it would take to make 40 batches of lasagna in a regular pan that I already have.

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - Wrist Cell Phone Carrier

Ummm...how forgetful can a person be?!

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203191905&pnr=M53&cm_mmc=Shopping-_-Google-_-M53-_-203191905

If you are an apparent idiot who absolutely cannot keep up with items unless they are attached to your body, listen closely!

Introducing the Wrist Cell Phone Carrier. It looks like a roller-blading arm guard, but it functions in place of a human brain by keeping track of your cell phone, when your simple mind can't.

If you think you might actually need this product, I say save your money and go ahead and cancel your phone service. Because no one is going to be calling you anymore after they see you tooling around town talking on your cell phone whilst it is attached to the world's ugliest wrist accessory.

Thanks for another gem Sky Mall!

Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine - Sky Rest

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=96981577&c=&v=&ddi=/products/d2/c7/05/96981577x.jpg


First of all, worst shirt ever.



Second of all, I believe that it folds down, but that doesn't make it not look like you're holding a blue diaper when it's deflated.

I do have to say however, that if you're too good for the half asleep head bob dance that inevitably happens on all flights, then this does look kind of comfy.

The real question is are you willing to sacrifice looking at all normal for a little in-flight shut eye?

Also, I just have to hope that when the person in front of you slams their seat into the reclining position that that Sky Rest doesn't A) deflate or B) puncture your lungs.

Sleep tight you sleepy mustached man!

Shut up Sky Mall Magazine - Litter Kwitter

As usual, the Sky Mall magazine did not dissapoint during my latest travels.

In fact, I've decided to introduce a new little segment I like to call Shut Up Sky Mall Magazine.

An ode to the absolutely ridiculous crap they are trying to sell.

Today's featured product is the Litter Kwitter, which is allegedly an "award winning cat toilet training system."

I couldn't make this $h*t up if I tried.

To see the absurdity in action, click here http://www.litterkwitter.com/en/index.php. I can't even imagine how dirty your cat's tail would get from this action.

I can assure you that if I walked into a friend's house, went to the bathroom, and saw a cat peeing on the toilet, I would end that friendship immediately.

Strike one is obviously that you have the cat in the first place.

But strike 2 is that you bought a cat potty training system. And strike 3 is that you paid $59.99 for it.

Guess what?! You're out!