Diva Says What

Happiness on the Web

2012-02-16T10:30:00.002-05:00

I'm obsessed. Click each link below. British accents and pop music at their finest.

It all started with this - Sophia Grace and Rosie sing Super Bass and post to YouTube.

Then Ellen noticed and brought them on her show and this cuteness magic happened -
Sophie Grace and Rosie sing with Nicki Minaj

Then they get to come back and explain their magic fairies to Ellen - Fairy tunnels!!

Then, proving that they are more then just R&B singers - They rap

Then, those lucky sons of guns got to go to the Grammy's - And meet so many celebrities

Basically they are living my dream! But are way cuter doing it.

Also, Sophia Grace's spunk reminds me soo much of my sister. She has no fear of being on stage and I respect the hell out of that! I'm definitely more of the silent "hype girl". I know all the words but I'll be damned if I'm going to sing them in from of people!

Haha Cry Cry

2012-02-15T15:10:00.005-05:00

My workload/life has gotten so out of control recently that I find myself with the constant desire to watch Bridget Jones Diary, while snuggling beneath a quilt, alternating between fits of laughter and uncontrollable crying - preferrably over a bowl of Ben and Jerry's...It is, afterall, my life's work!

That movie is so hilarious it almost makes me forget that Renee Zellwegger has never, ever fully opened her eyes. I want to start watching it everyday.

Valetine's Day Massacre

2012-02-14T14:20:00.005-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day. AKA, the most perpetually dissapointing holiday every year, right behind New Year's Eve.

I'm not celebrating this year because I think it's a stupid holiday designed to sell cards, flowers, and chocolates. And to make single people feel alone and hostile toward their married breathren, when every other day of the year they got nothin' but love.

Also, because last year I went all out, made Indian food from scratch, bought a bottle of bubbly, and made pink waffles from scratch. Only to end up alone, eating 4 servings of Chicken Tikka Masala, drinking most of a bott of champagne, and make pink waffles the next morning with a very terrible headache.

This week I'm treating February 14 as what it really is:

-A Tuesday

-Another day in the way of my weekend

-Another day in which I have to plausible reason to eat a box of chocolates.

Btw, did you know that Valentine's day, and more specifically Saint Valentine, had nothing to do with romance or chocolate fondue? It actually stems from the death of two ancient Romans, both named Valentine, who were executed (one even beheaded!) on February 14th for their attempts to convert Emperor Claudius II to Christianity in 3rd Century A.D.

On that note, happy Valentine's Day lovers!

Hands, Touching Sweaty Hands

2012-02-14T12:25:00.002-05:00

This is my only thought about the Bachelor last night, besides the constant fact that Courtney makes me scared for my life:

I’m already not a fan of holding hands. Ever. If I was vying for a guy’s love and I was faced with the option of holding his hand while ascending the many steep steps an ancient Mayan temple in Belize, or getting voted off, I’d walk myself right over to the getaway boat and say Adios to Benny Boy on the spot.

If you are one of the sickos that likes holding hands, fine. Keep it casual. But hand holding and recreational sports and/or physical activities just do not equal romance.

Low Emissions, High Reactions

2012-02-14T09:33:00.003-05:00

I drive a Hybrid. Did I already tell you that?

It's awesome for 2 reason:

1) Good for the environment (at least allegedly)

2) Awesome for people's reactions when you come to a complete stop and your car shuts off.

If I had a dollar for everything someone freaked out in the passenger side about my car shutting down, I'd have about 15 dollars.

"Ummm, I don't want to alarm you, but your car just died." Haha, no it didn't. I'm just Captain Planet in the flesh.

Last week I went thru the Chik Fil'a drive thru and got one of my best reactions yet. The woman behind the counter started handing me my Lemonade and then realized my car shut off.

*Dramatic Pause*

Her: "Oh shoot girl! Your car just died!"

Me: "Actually it just does that when I stop, it's a hybrid."

Her: "Well I got a car just like that and it don't do that."

Me: "They actually stopped making them a few years ago."

Her: "Yea...Because mine definitely don't do that."

Pure bliss - I get to save the planet and stoopify people everywhere I go. Truly a dream come true...Now, if I could just find that tater-tot I dropped under my seat that very same day.

Crack is, Indeed, Whack

2012-02-13T12:27:00.002-05:00

Can we talk for a minute about Whitney Houston dying?

I know it is sooo sad, and I feel bad for her daughter (for many reasons), but I am just not the least bit shocked.

Remember this, and this, and this? Homegirl had been essentially dying for years.

I think I'm not that sad because the Whitney I knew died years ago when she started free-basing crack in crappy hotel rooms.

I was WAY more devastated when Bernie Mac died. That remains my all-time greatest celebrity mourning of all time. Damn that brother was funny!

This is as alarming to me as it was when Michael Jackson died (i.e., NOT AT ALL). America: When you take drugs for a long time you put yourself at a high risk of dying. This is not new information.

If you are allowed to be surprised that Whitney Houston died, then I get to be surprised that pizza won't make me skinny. Fair enough?

Also, when you marry Bobby Brown, bad things are likely to happen. If you need the answers to anymore highly obvious questions, hit me up. I'll be here all day.

White Noise

2012-02-13T09:35:00.005-05:00

Did you see the Grammy's last night?

WHAT A SNOOZEFEST!

When I wasn't so bored that I couldn't pay attention, I got the gist that the evening went something like this:

1) Sadness about Whitney

2) Adele won an award and was super cute and classy

3) Old people sang stuff together in uninteresting outfits

4) Adele won an award and was super cute and classy

5) Tributes to dead people

6) Adele performed Rolling in the Deep and I was sad because I am painfully sick of that song and because I know she has so many other better songs.

7) Tribute to Whitney, in which people remained inexplicably shocked that prolonged drug abuse killed someone

8) Adele won an award and was super cute and classy

Insert lots of "Marilyn had some snacks and read magazines and surfed the net" in between all of that. There weren't even any outrageous outfits or nip slips! Bo. Ring.

Who know that awards for a bunch of anorexic actors and silent film stars would be more entertaining than a music show!

Give me a movie/TV award show any day of the week. I'm still bored just thinking of last night!

This is Me - In One Line

2012-02-09T13:35:00.000-05:00

Wow. The Real Housewives of Orange County got some "catchy" new one-liners for their introductions this season.

It seems that every one of the girls updated her sassy description of herself. And all were pretty remarkably stupid.

I think my favorite is Gretchen's: "Don't call me a Princess. Call me the boss."

I'm sorry, What now!? WTF does that even mean. And why would you want anyone to call you either name. Princess is for babies and boss is for people who have more than themself as an employee...Unless you like to speak in 3rd person and talk dirty to yourself?

I wonder what my catchphrase would be on a show like this. "Please stop looking at me. No really, you're making me uncomfortable"?

I still think nothing beats NeNe Leake's original line, "I don't keep up with the Jonses. I AM the Jonses."

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Kung Fu Blouse

2012-02-09T10:55:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days in which you think you look ok, wearing a nice blouse and plain black pants? Then you suddenly realize you look like Jackie Chan in Shanghai Noon.

Welcome to my Thursday. Judo Chop!

Who's House?

2012-02-09T09:15:00.004-05:00

Uugh that game last night. It pretty much ended in the worst case scenario. Unless, of course, you are Duke. In which case it was the best and most exciting outcome possible.

I hate that we lost on a 3-point shot. I find Duke's style of playing to be very uninteresting when they just continuously make 3 point shots and never really drive the ball.

To me, Duke is not what college basketball should be. I think a basketball team's racial ratio should be like the gender ratio at UNC (which is about 70:30 female to male I think). There should be way more black dudes on a team than white. Even Duke's black guys are white. (Please see RIVERS, the petite white/black man that ruined my evening with his final shot). So it's basically just a bunch of pasty, white, Yankee, 3-point making one-trick ponies. That I do NOT want to mount.

Ok that's all. If you're a Duke fan, don't respond. I am just venting my frustration at an unbelievable game and heartbreaking loss.

The real story of the night was the experience of watching a basketball game that started at 9pm. It turns out, gone are the days of me pre-gaming it during the game and then going out afterwards with my friends, like in college...which was apparently a long time ago?! I enjoyed watching it with my husband last night over some wine, but the whole time I was terrified at how bad I would feel in the morning from staying up so late. What a thrill!

My price points haven't changed. I just went from drinking $7.00 12-packs of Busch Light to $5 bottles of whatever wine is on sale.

But hot damn my curfew has. After drinking excitedly during the whole game, we panicked when only 5 minutes were left, strategizing how much water we could drink before bed without wetting it and how many ibuprofen we could safely take with overdosing.

If I was waiting for that "Aha!" moment to alert me that I'm not that young anymore, that was probably it.

I have been hungover exactly once at my new job and it was terrible. There is nothing worse than people expecting a lot out of you when your brain is functioning at 20%. Especially when that 20% just wants to never stop eating snacks.

Luckily whatever I did worked! I feel fine this morning but my heart still hearts :( I hate losing to Dookies more than I hate politics.

Busy Bee + Bachelor

2012-02-07T10:51:00.005-05:00

Oh my busy.

Two of my coworkers are gone at the same time and it is wreaking havoc on my ability to blog and stay connected. But at least not on my ability to watch The Bachelor at night!

That girl in the red dress who tried to dry hump Ben at the cocktail party was so painfully awkward. She did something that is hard to achieve = Made me feel so uncomfortable that I was embarrassed to be around people, and I was just by myself. Basically she embarrassed me in front of myself. That's hard to do.

She should have just quit while she was prudish and behind. At least that way she could have kept her dignity instead of ensuring that no guy will ever want to sleep with her again after the episode airs. Much less attempt to "talk dirty". Because if she wasn't already going to get sent home for lack of communication and connection, then it was definitely going to be for attempting the most awkward unwelcome lap dance in Bachelor history.

Semi-related, I have decided that Courtney wouldn't seem like such a sociopath if she didn't keep scrunching up her lips like she was about to turn into the exorcist and attack a bitch.

It's getting down to the nitty gritty. Only 6 more ladies and what will somehow be stretched into 10 more episodes to go!

Ice Cream Sundays - Cookie Dough

2012-02-05T09:55:00.002-05:00

This flavor was really good. Simple and good. I really love Vanilla Ice Cream so this had a base I knew I was going to love. I also love cookie dough chunks so it was just a great match.

The only thing I would change about this flavor would be to make the Cookie Dough balls bigger. I would prefer that I got a few chews per ball then to take the chance of having the ball slip down my gullet before I even get a chance to bite and taste it. When it comes to life, that is just not a risk I am willing to take.

I'd definitely get this again. Like I said, it was simple and good. That's how I like things most of the time!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 16

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavors - Cinnamon Buns & Strawberry Cheesecake (I was recently told by a friend that he was disappointed in Cinnamon Buns and thought it was inferior to Strawberry Cheesecake, so I added SC back to the favorites so that I can't be held personally responsible for one's unsatisfactory ice cream purchase.)

Dry Shampoo 4Eva

2012-02-02T11:47:00.001-05:00

Dry Shampoo Saved My Life.

It's dramatic, but it's true. Have you ever heard of Dry Shampoo before? I'm pretty sure I'm behind the better part of a decade on this one, but I have to throw this out there to those lost, greasy-headed souls who need a solution. I understand you. I was you.

...until last month when I bought dry shampoo at the urging of a hair stylist who gasped in HORROR when I told her at a cocktail party that I've never had a Brazilian Blow Out and that I didn't know what dry shampoo was.

After fruitlessly looking around the hair care aisle of Target for about 30 minutes (what would a dry shampoo look like anyway?! Is it liquid? Is it powder?), I finally found a bottle of it. It turns out it's a spray, by the way. I decided to buck up and buy in the $8 range instead of the $4 range, because I loathe the smell of baby powder and just couldn't take that risk.

I lucked out and ended up with a brand that doesn't smell like baby powder. And after spraying the hellll out of my hair with it, I watched in amazement as my greasy limp noodles were refreshed into a dry, voluminous head of hair.

Now I use it in the evening if I have an event and don't have time to shower. (It should be noted that an "event" in my life is drinking wine on someone's back porch with finger foods...but still, gotta freshen up the mane).

I also have a confession. This morning, after being way too tired and lazy after last night's concert, I didn't shower this morning! I just sprayed more dry shampoo in. This is noteworthy because this is just NOT something I can get away with. My hair is so naturally oily that it starts getting greasy before it even dries after I shampoo it. No joke.

Now, after I work out today, I can shower without feeling over-productive. (I really hate taking 2 showers in one day.)

Is it weird that my hair looks better 2 days old with dry shampoo than it does fresh out the shower? Wait, don't answer that!

Now, if only they made the dry shampoo version of soap, I'd never have to shower again!

Music and Butts

2012-02-02T09:35:00.004-05:00

Last night I went to a Robert Earl Keen concert. It was really fun and I loved the music. But, as happens during most instances in which I exist, something strange happened.

First there was just this in the bathroom:

Luckily it didn't affect me because this was just a standard #1 situation. But my heart went out to those in the past and the future who come rushing into the bathroom with an emergency "situation", only to be greeted by this sign. It's bad enough when something like that happens in public. To further know that you are going to wreak havoc on the internal plumbing of the entire concert community is just heartbreaking.

I'm pretty sure the saying "Ignorance Is Bliss" came from someone who wished they didn't know that they were about to blow up a plumbing system in a public venue.

The next weirdness came at the tail end of the night. I was standing next to my friends and my husband. And a VERY creepy couple who had seemed content to keep to themselves all night while sexually body grooving throughout the whole show...Until the last few songs.

That was when the man of the couple asked me if I would smack his wife in the ass, because "she was really in to that sort of thing." I politely declined, because I am not a sexual/social deviant. And because, EWWW.

Then he asked Grant if he would smack his girlfriend's ass. "Come on. Just do it."

This is when things got a little dicey. The G-Man isn't the best at saying no. And, although Thank heavens he didn't smack the random girl's butt, he did decide that the next best option to appease the swinger/man in question was to hit ME in the butt.

Oohhh HELL NO!

We immediately left after that. Me, with a stinging butt cheek. And Grant with an involuntary lesson on when it is absolutely imperative to learn to say No to strange, swinger men. (Answer: When it involves smacking your wife in the butt.)

I also saw a guy in the front who did not stop doing the "cowabunga" movement with his right hand the entire show. I'd bet my life that that man is currently suffering from the world's most severe hand cramp ever today.

Total Recall - Baby Edition

2012-02-01T11:02:00.003-05:00

I was watching the ~~news~~ Today Show this morning when I saw a brief segment about the Pfizer recall of approximately 1 million birth control packets. Article: here. And by brief I do mean brief, maybe the segment lasted 10 seconds?

That's not a whole lot of time to break it down to a woman that she might be accidentally pregnant. Good morning!

I was actually on the Arc Trainer at the gym when I saw this on TV. It's a good thing I don't take that birth control, because I would have fallen right off of that machine if I'd just heard word, via the 3rd tier morning-news host, that I might be about to have a baby, by accident. And not even my accident! The accident of multi-billion dollar company that's sole purpose is to develop and distribute safe prescription pills.

Not cool, Pfizer. Not cool. I'm pretty sure that's not how family planning is supposed to go. Mazel mazel to the new moms out there!

It's Personal and It's Free

2012-02-01T10:12:00.003-05:00

Guess what?! I got a personal trainer.

And the best part is that it's free!

Ok, that's not entirely true. The free part is. Just not the part about getting a personal trainer.

I did, however, develop a diabolical scheme to get free expert advice from personal trainers without having to pay a penny.

I just started working out in the mornings the last couple of weeks and by doing so, I discovered a goldmine of free fitness advice. It turns out that morning are when most of the group and personal training sessions occur.

Here's how it works: I pound out some cardio for about 30-40 minutes on a machine that has a perfect view of the weight/training area of the gym. I study and memorize all of the moves that the clients do with their trainers, while playing dumb and pretending to watch the Today Show.

I particularly like the exercises that don't involve specialized weights. That way I can do the routines at home and no one will know that I'm stealing classified information.

It may sound like a pretty dishonest plan, and I don't know how much a personal trainer cost, but I know it's more than free, so I'm willing to look past the morality of my new fitness regime.

I had my first "session" last night while watching the Bachelor and doing all sorts of push ups and lunges, and I am sore! This is already proving to be the most efficient fitness regime ever. I get to work out while watching epic shows like the Bachelor and Biggest Loser, and I get to keep all my money!

Free tickets to the gun show!

Driving Miss Crazy

2012-01-31T13:12:00.000-05:00

What do you think the job description is for the person who drives the car away after the rose ceremonies on The Bachelor, with the devastated reject in tow?

- Must have a valid, current Driver's License

- Must not have a criminal record

- Must be able to deal with sobbing, emotional train wreck back-seat passengers

- Must not console them during said sobbing, because it will hurt TV ratings and possibly cause the women to hold on to some semblance of pride once the episode airs

- Must work flexible hours

I can't even imagine driving around these exotic cities they film in with a bawling woman who has so much mascara running down her face that it threatens the upholstery of your car. Particularly if you are not allowed to talk to them and just have to ignore basic human instincts to try to make them feel better.

It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it. These relationships aren't going to artificially create and then naturally destroy themselves!

Love Is In the Air, Way Too Much!

2012-01-31T09:48:00.004-05:00

I could never be on The Bachelor.

Not just because I'm not crazy enough. Or because I don't wear enough eye makeup. Or because I don't look good in a bikini.

It's because of the show's excessive use of aircraft. Whether it's hot air balloons, prop planes, helicopters, or commercial aircraft from one exotic location to the next, I would lose my mind with all of that flying!

I hate flying too much for any semblance of love to be worth all of that time in the air. Especially it was spent with a mop-headed doofus who literally could not have selected a worse haircut.

I guess I'll just have to find love the old-fashioned way. On a ferry!

Public Feasting

2012-01-30T09:44:00.003-05:00

Oh geez. I have a pit in my stomach.

Something so frightening that I never even thought to previously fear just happened to me.

I just heard these words from a coworker: "I saw you at K-38 on Saturday night. But we were tucked in the corner so you couldn't see me."

Gulp. K-38 is my favorite Mexican restaurant in the world. It's also in a conveniently inconvenient location to most people I know in Wilmington, so I never have to hold back on my chip consumption there.

I gruuuuubbed out on Saturday night while sitting at the bar with my husband. We were staying at my parents' house which has no food in it, so I was essentially storing up for ~~winter~~ a whole night without snacks. To think that someone was watching me publicly maul a basket of tortilla chips without restraint is just horrifying.

Especially because it was one of my most vigorous nights o' chips.

Now the mystery of why I am so curvy is debunked for that particular coworker. It's not just genetics. It's tortilla chips :(

Ice Cream Sundays - Peanut Butter Cup

2012-01-29T09:42:00.001-05:00

This flavor is AGGRESSIVELY peanut buttery and chocolatey. In a good way.

But also in a way that made me feel out of control.

Check out this close up below: Those are monster chunks of peanut butter cups. And yes, they taste just like Reese's.

I knew I was going to love this flavor because I absolutely adore all things peanut butter. And when you add it to chocolate, adoration turns into obsession.

This was the richest flavor I've tried so far, by far. And, not surprisingly, the most fattening flavor out of the 15 that I've tasted. Sadly, that's the thing about peanut butter and chocolate :(

If all goes as planned with my life, I will never buy this flavor again. Not because it was bad. It was amazing. Just because it is so delicious that a small bite isn't enough. But it is so fattening that two bites is just going to ruin your caloric intake for the day. #fatpeopleproblems

If you are in the mood for a truly decadent delight, this is your man. But be warned: It comes with a high caloric price!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 15

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Cinnamon Buns

How to Survive a Hand Towel When Your Butt is Bath Towel Size

2012-01-26T13:25:00.004-05:00

I showered at the gym today, in an attempt to complete most of my day-hates. And I took in 2 towels with me. One for my hair, and one for my body. But things didn't go as planned...

I accidentally grabbed two HAND towels instead of two BATH towels. And naturally I did not realize the error of my ways until after I was showered, naked, and surrounded by 3 other showerers in the stalls next to me.

A mad dash to the bath towel section was not an option. And even an attempt, I'm sure, would've ended in an XL White Lightening slipping on the shower floor and ending up in a un-toned ball of nudity on the floor (I would be the White Lightening in this situation).

So I did what any ~~Girl Scout~~ ~~Gym Rat~~ wet, naked fatty would do. I made a mini skirt out of one towel and a tube top out of the other. And I creeped to the dressing room as fast as my ample legs could carry me. Buuuut, before I got to the dressing room, I had an accident. No I did not pee in my handtowel mini-skirt. Instead I accidentally launched my watch INTO SOMEONE'S SHOWER. That they were in. Showering. Also naked.

I obviously had to ask the showering stranger if she could pass me my watch back. She obliges, picks up the watch, and opens the curtain to hand it to me, only to catch a glimpse of me - wearing an outfit made entirely of petite towels. To say she looked impressed would be an understatement, and a total lie. Hello embarrassment, it's been a while but I'm glad to know we can pick up right where we left.

The outcome of this whole incident could really go either way. Either I get really motivated to lose weight and get skinny so that the next time I end up with only hand towels I look good. Or I am just going to live in fear of ever seeing the girl who handed me my watch that I never exercise again. We shall see.

Either way, just to be safe, next time I'm bringing a towel from home!

Fattening DUH

2012-01-25T11:56:00.000-05:00

Who here is upset about Paula Deen having Type II Diabetes and profiting from her announcement/partnership with a Diabetes medicine company?

Not me. Have you seen the woman cook? I was about as shocked to hear that she had Diabetes as I was when Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet (i.e., not at all).

I'm also not mad that she is making money off of her disease. Why would she stop now? She made money getting fat and unhealthy, so what's the difference? If you weren't mad at for adding 4 sticks of butter to everything she's ever made on her cooking show, then you can't be mad that she is getting sponsored to publicize her diabetes. It's the same thing. If you are mad about one and not the other, then you are in a state of denial.

It isn't really Paula Deen's responsibility to inform American viewers on how to not get Diabetes. If you don't already know that eating a burger in between two donuts is going to stop your heart and fatten your ass, then you have so very many serious problems. Child please!

On the flip side, if you model what you eat after a woman who now has a disease that she brought on herself, and is now going around admitting that she will not change the way she cooks or eats (which can make the disease go away, which you'd know if you ever seen the Biggest Loser), then you are just stupid.

Technically, all parties are stupid here. Paula for giving herself diabetes. The American public for blindly emulating her cooking style. And me for giving a shit.

I would never make a Paula Deen recipe. They gross me out, are excessively fattening, and can easily be substituted for recipes that won't make you die on the spot.

America, knowing that is half of the battle. Now step away from the mayonnaise!

*In other bittersweet Paula Deen news, check out this video of her getting hit in the head with a frozen ham. That's just good stuff.

Stop, Hammertime!

2012-01-25T09:39:00.002-05:00

Reason #4,596 why I would never want to be famous/on Television. People can catch you like this:

I wasn't even trying to stop the TV on a funny moment, I just lucked out with this heinousness when I went to get more ice.

Man, I love me some Kim Zolciak!

Girl Gone Missing

2012-01-23T12:47:00.001-05:00

Yesterday morning I woke up to one of the best emails I’ve ever received in my life. It was from my mom and the subject title was “You Go Girl”.

I got so excited to see what I had done to make my mom A) so proud, and B) actually type the words “You Go Girl”.

The body of the email was the following:

"Did either of you happen to pick up the pillow on the upstairs bed ?
Little, white with pink letters
You go girl!
It vanished and Mildred is worried!!!"

Allow me to explain why this is so insanely awesome.

First of all, about 15 years ago someone gave me a pillow that said “You Go Girl!” on it. I tried to get rid of it because, well, it says “You Go Girl!” on it. But my mom was having none of it. She basically rescued it from a life of Goodwill and landfills. Ever since then it has been perched prominently in my parents’ guest room.

That is, until 2012 when it disappeared! Dun, dun, duuuuuun!

Second of all, you have to know Mildred to fully understand the hilarity of this scenario. If you have ever come over to my parents house on one of the last 3,000 Thursdays or Fridays, you should have met Mildred. She has been in the employ of my parents for almost 3 decades as a housekeeper. Just trust me when I say, “That’s a whole lotta Milly!” She has the approximate intelluctual equivalent of a box of rocks, with a heart of gold…And no permanent teeth.

But what she lacks in brains she more than makes up for in drama. When my mom’s mom died last year, Mildred went out of her way to make it as dramatic as possible so that, while showing that she cared, she could also remind my mom as often and as aggressively as possible that her mom had passed away. She also has a 6th sense that allows her to anticipate which room you are about to use, and then immediately start vacuuming there so that you can’t finish your phone call or hear yourself think. Anyway, back to the drama at hand…

Recently, further tragedy struck: The “You Go Girl!” pillow went missing and she freaked, according to my mom.

Yesterday, once I finally stopped laughing, I called my mom and mentioned it might be in the closet or under the bed. And I was soooo relieved to finally receive the following email later in the day:

“Found her in the back of the closet. My bed is complete again…..and Mildred will be so happy!!”

Crisis averted! I’m going to try to get my mom to send me a picture of the pillow. But it’d probably be too awkward for her to get a picture of Mildred. And until then, the epicness of the story might only be fully appreciated by the inner circle. ‘Tis a crying shame.

It's not every day you have a pseudo-family emergency that involves a girl power pillow and the world's dumbest housekeeper.

*Edited to include picture of actual pillow in question. Thanks mom!

So Two-Faced

2012-01-23T10:11:00.005-05:00

I just want to preface this post by saying that I believe, seek out, and am fascinated by medical mysteries. (Remember this post?) I've watched enough Mystery Diagnosis and ABC Medical Mysteries to know that it is not that unusual for someone in a less developed country to have a dead twin living in his or her stomach or for a young girl to have 10 limbs. That's just your run of the mill medical mystery awesomeness.

I do not, however, believe that this is true: http://www.omg-facts.com/view/Facts/44498

I don't disbelieve this because it seems medically impossibly to have a second face on the back of your head who is apparently an emotional rollercoaster. I disbelieve this because of the picture on the article.

If the chances of a person have a second face on the back of his or her head is 1 in a billion, then what are the chances of an American looking man growing the face of a grumpy, old Chinese face on the back of his head? A grumpy, old Chinese man with BANGS no less.

Too slim for me to believe! And I am still actively looking for the Loch Ness monster, so, there's that...

Ice Cream Sundays - Imagine Whirled Peace

2012-01-22T13:35:00.003-05:00

Would you believe me if I told you this flavor is how this whole experiment got started? Well, that, a hankering for ice cream, and a mom with a brilliant, albeit fattening, idea.

This was one of the first flavors of Ben and Jerry's I ever tried when I lived in DC. I told my parents about it, because it was AMAZING, and they loved it so much they started serving it as dessert after dinner parties....Until Cinnamon Buns came along. They have switched over the streusel side.

This flavor is so wonderful it's hard to put in to words. The Sweet Cream factor of the ice cream is so pleasant and flavorful. The Toffee Cookie Pieces hit you like a mac-truck. If that mac-truck didn't hurt you physically at all and was filled with money that started raining down and you got to have it all. That kind of strictly positive, but totally epic impact.

My one complaint about Imagine Whirled Peace is the presence of Fudge Peace Signs. In a world of sweetness, softness, and chewiness, I just don't want hardness. And that is what the Fudge Peace Signs are to me. It's like if that money-raining, mac-truck had a few loose pieces of change in it. That just wouldn't feel good flying in your face.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 14

Pounds Gained - 0, we're back!

Favorite Flavor - Today it's Cinnamon Buns, Strawberry Cheesecake is being a distant memory

To be young

2012-01-20T13:26:00.003-05:00

This makes me giggle for some reason. It really shows my personality, even today.

To clarify, when asked "If you could change any one thing about the way you look, what would it be? Why?"

My answer: "I wouldn't change anything because I like the way I am. I don't think I'm pretty or anything. I think that is sort of a bad question to ask."

First of all, if asked the same question today, I would probably have the same answer. I have always been confident in my person with no concrete confidence in my looks and a feminist with no feminist convictions.

I basically just said, I like myself but I'm not great. That's a bad question for no reason. Now leave me alone.

Essentially, I've always been neither here nor there. I'm not conceited, but I don't want to change. I'm offended by superficial questions like that, but I will do nothing to change the way society forces women to over-analyze their looks. Basically just a lazy, plain Jane who likes being plain.

Second of all, judging by this handwriting, I was at least passed 3rd grade (when I learned cursive) and before 9th grade (when I totally gave up on cursive). Who asks this kind of thing to middle schoolers? I still think this is a TERRIBLE question to ask a young person.

Teachers should be asking, "What do you love about your personality and intelligence and how can you use it to better the world?" Not, "What do you hate about your looks you not-yet-developed pre-teen?"

But, much like in the 90's when I wrote this, I not going to do a thing about it!

"One Day", One very, very sad day

2012-01-20T11:22:00.000-05:00

Wow. This is a sad movie. Like, freakishly, aggressively, phenomenally sad.

I decided to watch this movie last night when I got home from work, thinking it would be a romantic comedy about two attractive lovers who keep missing each other but eventually live happily ever after.

Wrong. It's about two best friends who know each other for 20 years but are too stupid to have a real relationship and never even have on-camera sex. Don't you just hate that?

But I digress. I actually thought it was a great movie. I was really in to it the whole time. I just was NOT expecting the sadness that ensued.

I was crying so hard and so ugly that my husband came in at least every ten minutes to laugh at me. What is wrong with boys?!

I was sobbing so intensely that I couldn't even cook dinner. Grant ended up cooking it. (Pause for reaction). It was homemade burrito bowls.

Then I was so stuffed up from crying so hard that I couldn't even breath enough through my nose to eat dinner. It was highly attractive.

Grant declared that from now on Thursday nights are "British romantic tragedy" / "ethnic food" night in our household.

Hey, whatever it takes to get a guy to cook!

I really recommend this movie if you are not afraid to cry uncontrollably. However, do not!, I repeat, do not! see this on a date night or at the early stages of a relationship. This will ruin the perception that your manfriend has of you and will reveal your "cry face" way too early to recover.

Politics for People Who Can't Put on Pants

2012-01-19T15:15:00.000-05:00

Triumph or Tragedy? http://gawker.com/5877254/is-this-proposed-ban-on-pajamas-in-public-a-triumph-or-a-travesty

Who cares!? This is just awesome news and a good use of taxpayers dollars.

While one Louisiana Commissioner is pushing for a ban on wearing pajama pants in public, one Mamacita already brought this to light years ago. Check it out here: http://www.divasayswhat.com/2009/10/i-got-beef.html

In a world of nasty political campaigns, $4 million boats capsizing, and Burger King suddenly offering delivery (to make it even more convenient to be lazy and unhealthy), can't we just let the people wear want they want.

And, even better, can't we compromise?: http://www.divasayswhat.com/2010/02/because-putting-on-pajamas-is-hard.html

To Be Young

2012-01-19T13:14:00.003-05:00

This is the second-to-last thing I have marked to share with you from my baby box. I might have to scrounge up some more memories if you guys have enjoyed this segment.

This memory is actually from a church newsletter. It shows how I rose to fame in the Advent Workshop of 1991...wearing high-waisted jeans and a homemade shirt with painted leafs pressed on it.

Now, why someone would put this in a newsletter is beyond me. Besides the obvious fashion mistakes, my eyes are 100% closed and I'm not even smiling.

My facial expression and hand placement make it look like I am cringing, whilst placing my right hand into a box of mud and worms.

Surely there was another youngster at the workshop that made for a cuter photo subject? Or perhaps it was just a slow year for the paper wreath corner of that particular early-nineties Advent Workshop. Truly one of history's great mysteries.

Oh to be young...and superficial

2012-01-18T16:53:00.002-05:00

This is one of the more unusual things I found in the baby box that my mom gave me recently. A letter to my parents from camp:

I know that was the summer that I had a broken wrist, so I can understand updating them on the health of my arm. But look closely. I actually mention that I broke a nail, but it is ok because it was only one and it "wasn't important".

Oh my stars. I actually wrote home from camp to tell me parents that I broke a nail.

You know, this whole Diva thing has always been a joke because I am not a diva at all. In fact I can be quite manish at times.

But apparently there was more truth to it in my younger years. Lil' Marilyn did NOT like to mess up her nails apparently!

Wow I bet my mom was so relieved to get that information.

Kids say the ~~most superficial~~ darndest things!

Beautiful Bachelorette

2012-01-18T15:24:00.003-05:00

This makes me very happy: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20562452,00.html

Lesbianest, Emily Maynard is just very pleasant to look at. A Bachelorette I can get on board with!

And it's going to be filmed in Charlotte, NC! Yay for NC.

And even though I think it might be the most redneck name one could possibly choose, I like the way she talks about her daughter Riiicky.

This is a Bachelorette season that I will actually look forward to instead of forcibly make myself watch just for blog purposes! Hip hip hooray!

Before and After - Guest Room

2012-01-18T12:08:00.001-05:00

This is the before of one guest room. We didn't really have to do anything to this room except assemble everything. That was nice.

We assembled it as such.

Having twin beds makes me feel old for some reason.

Fun fact while we are in this room: I am not a huge animal lover. I don't dislike them, but I just don't like to touch them.

What I lack in love for living animals, however, I more than make up for with love for the stuffed variety. This room is where I keep my stuffed animals since they got banned from my room after I got married.

Just kidding!

But seriously...I love them.

Here's hoping I don't lose any friends over this post!

BeYESce

2012-01-18T09:31:00.003-05:00

Recently I was asked why I never commented on the name that Beyonce and Jay-Z chose for their baby - Blue Ivy.

Yes, I think that is a stupid name. Who wants to be named after a color, one that is only three letters short of the word Blubber? And Ivy? That just reminds me of the time my neighbor got his fingers and eyes each webbed together by a poisonous three leaf growth in the woods.

But this is Beyonce we are talking about people. I don't know if you've ever heard the way Jimmy Kimmel talks about Oprah, but that is how I feel about Beyonce. (Watch this video if you know what's good for you! It even features Boyz II Men)

No one messes with the queen of pop, bitch! Beyonce could name her baby Butt Rash for all I care. Homegirl and her mini-me are still going to be fierce and flawless.

When it comes to Beyonce, don't ask question. Just nod your head and tap your feet...and bring the beat in...Ok now you have to watch this video. It's my second favorite song of the moment.

Thorny

2012-01-17T09:51:00.003-05:00

Uuugh. The Bachelor is so bad this year.

I simply could not believe my ears when I heard the conversation between Ben and Emily about match.com.

In an odd turn of events, Emily signed up for match.com and was subsequently matched up with her BROTHER, who was also on match.com. I die.

If that happened to me, and I was romantically linked to my blood-related sibling, my next move wouldn’t be to go on a dating show on national TV. It would be to join a convent.

It is also very enlightening when Lindzi C. goes on her one-on-one date with Ben and then, because it’s too awkward to bear anymore awkward silences, they kiss. She then tells the camera that she “usually doesn’t kiss guys on a first date.” Well, duh Lindzi. Most girls don’t. This is not a normal scenario and it is also not normal for your date to be sucking face with dozens of other women when he’s not with you. Normal went out the window when you accepted a thorny flower in exchange for one more week in a group house of desperates.

Speaking of things that aren't normal, have you notice that Ben always goes for the open-mouth kiss, and the girls almost never do? That’s awkward. And probably really slobbery.

It made me feel really dirty when Ben tells the reddish-haired girl (Jennifer, I think) that she is “definitely the best kisser in the house.” Ummm, that is definitely NOT a compliment. That’s like saying, “Out of all of the crazy sluts that are here for fame and a four month relationship, you put out the most and the best.”

And of course there's Shawntel. Who shows up for no reason other than the fact that she is a glutton for public humiliation?

Oh, and Courtney’s sociopathic personality continues to haunt my dreams.

Diveats - Potato Skins

2012-01-16T21:39:00.000-05:00

Tonight my husband went to a man party. I thought it would be fun to send him with some potato skins. I've always secretly wanted to make them but not-so-secretly not wanted to be stuck in a house or at a party with them.

I lack a little thing called self-control. BREAKING NEWS!

I used this recipe.

I baked these bitches up for an hour at 350.

Scooped the crap out of the middle. That wasn't very fun, but I managed.

The recipe calls for a mixture of the following ingredients that you then brush on the skins on the inside and outside.

Pretty maids all in a row. Basted and beautiful.

Closeup: Are you drooling? I was at this point. But not into the potato skin. Don't worry.

Bake them on each side for 7-8 minutes. Then add cheese and bacon and bake for 2 more minutes to melt cheese.

Awesome toppings. Terrible cheese mess.

Final product:

Droooooooool. I hope the guys like them!

Diveats - Homemade Baked "Fries"

2012-01-16T18:26:00.001-05:00

I wonder why more people don't bake their "fries". Sure, it takes a little bit longer. Sure, they aren't really "fries" if you don't fry them. But they are awesome, healthy, and you can dip them in stuff. That is a trifecta of YUM in my book!

One of the best things about this method is that you can practice portion control. Not that anyone would ever want less fries. But we all know it's better for us. So you can use half of a potato instead of a whole one.

Did you know that a medium plain, cooked potato only has about 160 calories in it? That's a lot of fries/potato sticks you can have for not many calories.

The amount pictured below is just 1/4 of a very small potato. Next time I'm going much bigger!

Just cut up a potato into the desired size, place on a baking sheet lined with tinfoil and sprayed with cooking spray so the potatoes don't stick, season with your favorite spice or salt, and bake at 400 degrees for about 10-15 minutes or until they reach desired crunchiness.

Soon they will start to look like this with hints of crispiness nad a few slightly burnt edges. Yum!

Serve with your favorite dipping sauce - Mine is Light Ranch. Because I'm an American. And because I pretend to think it makes it healthy because it's light.

Then eat them all. And repeat. There's plenty more potato to chop up!

When it comes to at-home dining, there's just no excuse to fry when you can bake!

The Juice is Loose-ing his house

2012-01-16T14:10:00.005-05:00

OJ Simpson. You are so dumb.

It looks like The Juice is losing his house to foreclosure. Article here.

That's what you get for not paying your bills OJ! Silly ~~murderer~~ goose!

You know, it is really, really hard to feel sorry for a formerly rich and famous person who loses their home because they lost their money because they have been in jail because of multiple felony charges, including criminal conspiracy, kidnapping, assault, robbery, and using a deadly weapon.

And it is even more difficult to feel sorry for that person when they did all of that after getting off for the obvious murder of his ex-wife and her boyfriend. OJ Simpson literally got a get-out-of-jail-free card. And he literally pooped on it and got sent to jail for 33 years for an altogether unrelated incident.

That is, without question, the dumbest damn thing I've ever heard of any public figure doing. This makes Lindsey Lohan look like a criminal mastermind. And at least she has the benefit of being all high and such during her crimes and getting to wear a free necklace for a little bit. OJ just failed at a pointless crime in a seedy hotel. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I don't want to say that anyone's misfortune makes me happy, but at least justice is finally being served in the form of jailtime and repercussions. Serves him right to be homeless. He's up for parole in 2017. If he gets it I can't wait to see what other heinous crime he commits while trolling the streets looking for shelter. What a doo doo head.

Golden Globe Awards 2012

2012-01-16T09:56:00.004-05:00

Who saw the Golden Globe Awards last night? It was quite a classy affair. Which I can appreciate, because I’m so fancy.

I don’t know if I had a stand out favorite for “best dressed” but I did love Laura Dern’s green number. I also had some beef with a few actors’ choices.

For starters, I thought Sarah Michelle Gellar looked like about 10 blue ink pens exploded on her otherwise nice white dress. But at least she didn’t go the route of Piper Parebo, who she presented with. Piper intentionally made her boobs look nonexistent by choosing a dress with a mesh metal V down the front that gave the allusion of 2 boobs that kept growing farther and farther apart until they both just fell off of her body entirely.

My worst dressed for the evening was definitely Angelina Jolie. I HATE the combination of colors that she wore. Bright red and institutional white. It reminds of a mail-order Russian bride who shaves off her eyebrows only so that she can color them back in with a very thin, dark pencil. Like her facial expression and personality, this ensemble was simply too severe.

On to the awards…I hate that I don’t care about silent films, but I don’t. I can’t imagine anything more boring. The only thing that could have gotten me excited about The Artist winning the award for best something (I can’t even remember), is if the person accepting the speech went up to the podium and just said absolutely nothing.

Also, I was sad that Julianna Marguiles didn’t win. Not just because I love The Good Wife, but mostly because when she does win she invariably makes some hella cute speech about her husband that makes me cry tears of joy.

Speaking of tears of joy, I cried a little when Octavia Spencer won her award. She is so cute and funny. I saw her on Jimmy Kimmel Live and she was hilarious. You have to love a fellow self-deprecating broad. That’s just good stuff.

Did anyone stay up for the awkwardness that was Sydney Portier? He sounded like Spock from Star Trek and/or a Robot when he was presenting Morgan Freeman with…nothing. For real, he did not give him an award. It reminded me of that time at the MTV Awards when Britney Spears presented Michael Jackson with a Birthday cake, which he somehow accepted as a Lifetime Achievement award. AWKWARD.

Call me crazy, but does the fact that Bradley Cooper doesn’t drink not make him exponentially less attractive to anyone else? I just can’t get on board with that. I can, however, get on board with Brad Pitt announcing the best movie nomination for Ides of March starring George Clooney and Ryan Gossling. That’s a whole lotta hot in one sentence. SCHWING!

I definitely think the most charming actors won. I am, in a word, obsessed with Meryl Streep. My bucket list consists of one thing: Have a glass of wine with Meryl Streep. If that turns into a bottle or two, so be it, but one glass is my goal. She is equal parts charming, talented, hilarious, and beautifully average. Love. Her.

And it just doesn’t get any cuter than George Clooney. It just doesn’t.

Final note: Madonna’s arms look like hairless cankles. They are much too large and rectangular to be compared to regular arms. And I find her so unlikeable for some reason. Anyone else?

*I think there should be national holidays for the Mondays after award shows. Obviously I'm not going to stay up until 11:30 watching much more beautiful people win awards and NOT drink wine. And yes, I know it's MLK day, but I don't even get that off. Living below the Mason-Dixon line is not condusive to racially based holidays off.

Diveats - Eggplant Gratin (In Mini Dishes!!)

2012-01-15T23:07:00.000-05:00

I feel like I haven't cooked anything epic recently. Which is unfortunate and annoying, because I have made some attempts recently. One of which was a recipe for short ribs that I spent 3 days making, took 40+ pictures, and burnt the hell out of my hand for, and they were, in a word, terrible. Terrible as in, inedible. Not just not up to great standards.

This recipe was much better. Although I still want to make them again with my own adaptations to make them even better. I made this recipe for Eggplant Gratin by Barefoot Contessa in some very petite and inexpensive Le Creuset dishes I found on sale at Williams Sonoma.

Start with an eggplant. I don't know how much it weighs when sliced, I just went with one. Beautiful, no?

Then make this incredible sauce.
As usual with with Ina's recipes I nix the fatty fatty ingredients and just use what I have and what doesn't make me feel like I am going to die on the spot from heart failure. That meant in this recipe that I nixed the half and half for skim milk and omitted the full-fat Ricotta for goat cheese, because I had it and because I like it much better.

(Enter a complex story about my former obsession with manicotti at Elizabeth's Pizza in Greensboro, NC and my affection for track suits as a pre-teen. Long story short, I ordered my usual manicotti, it came piping hot, and somehow got spilled down the sleeve of my track suit, trapping itself in my sleeves and forever ruining my taste for ricotta stuffed shells.

The recipe and the episode of Barefoot Contessa says to fry the eggplant slices like this...

Until they look like this:

I found that to be too greasy and would probably even steam them next time before adding them to the dishes. Then the fun starts.

Layer with eggplant, marinara, more eggplant and Parmesan cheese, and then the sauce.

And then more cheese. Don't forget, this is an Ina recipe after all!

I put mine in a baking dish because I just knew that cheese mixture was going to explode over in some fashion. Indeed it did.

And then I baked it until it became golden and crispy and luscious like this:

Once again, at a different angle:

T'was glorious. But also was too greasy. Like I said, next time I'm going to steam them for a less greasy outcome.

I mean, I have to make this again. I bought the dishes on sale, but it was $6.99 a pop. I have to make at least $13.98 worth of deliciousness to make myself feel OK about buying the mini dishes.

It's a tough job, but some whitey's gotta do it!

Ice Cream Sundays - Cherry Garcia

2012-01-15T09:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to lie to you gang. I was not looking forward to trying this flavor. Actually, I kind of was, because I thought I was going to hate it and because it comes in a small size, both attributes that I definitely needed in my life.

But surprisingly, it wasn't bad at all. It definitely wasn't my favorite, and I didn't care for the cherry chunks. And I only had a few bites. But that was mostly for self-preserveration purposes, not because of sucky ice cream. The best part was really the amount and richness of the dark chocolate chunks in the cool, creamy ice cream.

The ice cream was cherry flavored which I wouldn't think would be good. But, as it turns out, you can add cream and sugar and milk to any flavor and it as long as it's fattening, it's great!

I won't buy this again, but if you like cherry flavored things, you will love this!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 13

Pounds Gained - 1-ish. grrrr

Favorite Flavor - Cinnamon Buns and Strawberry Cheesecake (I want to say just Cinnamon Buns because it's so fresh on my mind, but I can't forget how special Strawberry Cheesecake made me feel that warm summer day when I had a raging headache.)

Master Closet - Before and After

2012-01-14T09:54:00.001-05:00

Because no one lived in our house for a year or so while the seller was redoing parts of it, there were no fixtures or shelves in our entire house. Zero.

This was the master closet when we moved in. Bare walls.

Hardly a place for a lady to hang her things!

Now it looks like this:

After getting a very expensive quote from a closet designer, we went right on over to Lowe's and got a closet-in-a-box for about 15% of what it would have cost to use a professional.

I'm not showing this to show off my clothes because, let's be honest, a style icon I am not. I am, however, showing this to show my husband's crazy skills with a screwdriver and a pair of directions. And what he calls my "dream closet".

*Since building this closet for me he has since become bitterly jealous and made several failed attempts at turning random closets in our home to his own dream closet.

2012-01-14T09:52:00.001-05:00

People have been asking for pictures of my new house ever since we bought it. I FINALLY have some before and afters to show. We shall start with a very uninteresting before and after of the laundry ~~room~~ closet.

Before, there was nothing;

Now, there is both a washer and a dryer AND shelves. My wonderful in-laws gave us the appliances as a housewarming gift, then my father-in-law was kiNd and talented enough to come install the shelf for us. I am a lucky girl. Not only did I get a gifted washer and dryer, I also think I am the only recently married person I know to love literally everything about their in-laws. Instead of awkwardness, it's like having second parents. Que magnifique!
Fear not, the next before and afters will be more creative. At least accodring to me. And I'm not creative at all. So, get your grain of salt...and stay tuned.

Pumpkin Squares of Goodness

2012-01-12T15:28:00.002-05:00

If you find one of these anytime soon next to a cash register in the impulse-buy bin on the counter, buy one. Heck, buy a dozen. I'm assuming these are seasonal and once you taste one, you are definitely going to want more before they go off the shelves/.40 cent chocolate bins.

Grant brought me home one of these from the hospital last week and we ooohed and aaahed over this little square, savoring each cenimeter of gooey perfectly pumpkin spiced filling.

It is basically like winter/fall encapsulated. I tasked him to buy the rest at the hospital, but they were already out! I guess I'll have to wait until next winter to start my stockpile.

Moral of the story: If you see it, buy it!

To Be Young

2012-01-12T10:47:00.007-05:00

More stuff from the box! This was a little farewell sheet I made in 5th grade, in which it becomes pretty clear that 5th grade was not my finest year. In addition to being sent to the Principal's office that year...

I became very fond of pizza and R&B.

Also, my favorite subjects were Art and P.E. (Physical Education). It wasn't until years later that I would see the irony in this, as I went on to fail at every sport I ever tried and only created "art" like the multi-colored clay nightmare pictured below.

And also, my favorite day of the week was Friday. It still is! And my favorite season was summer. (Not so much anymore. Once my 5th grade metabolism went out the window, so did my affection for the bikini-wearing season).

~~Crap~~Abstract Art. Seriously, this is borderline "special needs" art.

So to recap, in 5th grade, I was a pizza-loving wigger who only liked classes in which I didn't have to exercise my brain, whilst living for the freakin' weekend and summer break.

Some things never change. And although my love for TLC has waned over the last 2 decades, my love for Boyz II Men hasn't wavered a day in my life.

Just Sayin'...

2012-01-11T15:39:00.003-05:00

Taylor Armstrong might as well not have top teeth. Her upper lip is soo big and fake that you cannot see her top teeth about 99% of the time.

Which is a shame, because when you actually can see them you can tell they are very straight! What a waste of perfectly good orthodontics. I vote that she take that lip implant out! Let's start a petition. Who's with me!?

Oh To Be Young

2012-01-11T13:41:00.000-05:00

Today's lesson from the babybox...

I achieved absolutely nothing in Girl Scouts except eating an exorbitant amount of Nutty Buddy bars. And apparently learning how to say please. I didn't even make it past the "Daisy" stage of Girl Scouts.

Now this one is just amazing. I actually lettered in two sports that I never even played in high school. How is that for getting around my total lack of athletic ability?

I managed the Varsity Boys Basketball and Lacrosse teams. Apparently that's all it takes to get a letter at a small private school!

Who needs trophies when you have other concrete evidence that you half-assed it in sports in high school and even elementary school?!

Oh To Be Young

2012-01-10T16:35:00.000-05:00

Like, OOOOhmygosh! Embarrassment alert!

This happened at the local church one day.

Olan Mills meets the severe-hair-part/no-eye-pupils sisters.

My love for that jumper knew no bounds. I think I even slept in it when I first bought it.
Ooh Limited Too, you make a pre-teen girl feel so special. I still think it's kind of cute...in a rednecky way.

Decal Families

2012-01-10T13:23:00.000-05:00

OMG.

Stop procreating.

That's 21 grandkids I count. Plus one Labradoodle. And maybe a turtle?

Mathmetically, that comes down to 4 kids who each had 5.5 kids! Or 5 kids who each had 4 kids. Or 21 kids who each had one kid! Either way, that's a lot of lovin' that grandma and grandpa have to give out...and had to have given to each other.

Not to mention the fact that even if gramps and grams only spent $20 per present for each grandkid's Christmas present, that would still be $420 every year during the holidays. And that's for one, cheap present.

21 Grandkids: Bad for one's budget. Bad for one's stomach muscles.

Another Monday, Another Bachelor Episode

2012-01-10T09:38:00.004-05:00

Who's watching "The Bachelor" this season?

So far it's been shaping up to be pretty terrible, but I've already invested 4 hours/2 episodes of my life so I might as well stick to it? The last two Mondays my husband has gotten dibs on the TV with DVR for bowl games, etc., so I've been confined to our bedroom with non-fast-forwardable shows and countless Monistat 7 commercials while watching Ben and his bevy of bat shit crazy girls vie for his love...for 2-3 months.

As usual, there is an alpha-crazy on this season. Blakeley is this season's one-to-hate. And, it shames me to say, she is from North Carolina. And it should shame her to say that she is a "VIP Cocktail Waitress". First of all, what is that if not a paid escort? Second of all, she is from Rutherfordton, NC. What the hell is VIP about that place? Any city with that many syllables that isn't the capitol of a state is undoubtedly just one redneck short of a hick convention.

Regarding Ben, and in spite of his heinous long butt cut and affinity for vests, I think he's a nice enough guy. He seems genuine, has a decent bod, and has a cool job, so that's good. But I cheated and looked up Reality Steve and who the "winner" is. And I can say, without giving away the ending, that despite how genuine and sincere Ben seems, he ends up thinking with his penis. Instead of the part of his brain that steers clear of girls who clearly aren't attracted to him and imminent doom.

Final thought: I am very glad that Jenna got the boot last night. Her makeup was runny, her job is simply listed as "Blogger" (that's borderline shady vague), and she flat out told Ben that she was "Like, not a girl," before running off sobbing under the covers. You definitely dodged a bullet there Benny!

Ice Cream Sundays - Late Night Snack

2012-01-08T09:58:00.002-05:00

Yum!

This is quite an unusual flavor. It actually has fudge-covered potato chips! How strangely beautiful, right?

I was expecting chunks of Original Lays all greasy and big, but I was wrong. The chips are basically little salty balls of savory/sweet delight.

Also the ice cream in here is wonderful. I don't think you can go wrong with original vanilla. It was the first and has been here the longest for a reason. IT'S AWESOME!

I tried to enjoy this bite by bite after meals. Me thinks that, taken literally as a Late Night Snack, one's buttocks would grow quite large in one's sleep.

This is definitely worth a try. It probably won't end up being your everyday go-to ice cream, because there is a lot going on, but it is a fun flavor to bring in the mix to change things up every now and then. Thanks Ben, Jerry, and Jimmy for the frozen treat!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 12

Pounds Gained - Maybe 1? I had to buy a new scale because mine was all kinds of messed up so I'm kind of starting from scratch here.

Favorite Flavor - Still a tie between Strawberry Cheesecake and Cinnamon Buns

Abstract Art

2012-01-06T09:43:00.003-05:00

It has recently come to my attention that I might be color-blind.

This is a wall in my house that I started picking out colors for 2 months ago. I have since tried not one, not two, but seven different paint samples to try on the wall.

All I ever wanted was a light gray color. And what I have unknowingly picked out instead has been a purple, a pink, a white, several shades of tan, and a gray that ended up being way too dark.

I. Suck. At. This.

Does anyone out there have a light gray they can recommend? The guys at Lowe's can mix paint with a smile on their face, but they are worthless when it comes to suggesting a color.

Yesterday I went to get 4 more samples, one of which was called Dove's Cry. I kid you not, the second the associate started mixing the paint, "When Doves Cry", by Prince came on the radio. I just knew it was destiny and that was going to be the perfect color for my den...

But it turned out to be just another blah shade of tan. Again. Womp womp.

HELP! I need to quit the abstract art in my den and get this bitch painted!

Teen Mom 2 x 2

2012-01-05T15:55:00.000-05:00

Stop it. Just stop it.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2082437/Teen-Mom-star-Leah-Messler-pregnant-engaged-again.html

The buzz on the Teen Mom 2 front today is that Leah Messler is both pregnant and engaged, both for the second time.

The only thing you really want in "two's" when you're 19 should be college acceptance letters or invitations to prom. Not marriages and illegitimate pregnancies.

If you don't know who Leah Messler is, you are likely both smarter and more sophisticated than me. If you don't know what the show Teen Mom is, then you are very, very lucky, and possibly without a television set.

It's an inexplicably addicting show about girls who have unprotected sex, get pregnant by their uneducated and/or emotionally abusive baby daddies, then proceed to be continually shocked as their lives fall apart and they drop out of school.

So it's just sooo heart warming that Miss Leah decided to do it for the second time, at the ripe young age of 19. Hell of an example, girlfriend!

Girl, ya crazy. Whatever happened to just flirting on the phone and staying home at that age? Pop some popcorn, rent a RomCom, and for the love of God, if you must leave your house, buy some damn condoms!

To Be Young

2012-01-05T12:28:00.000-05:00

Another thing I learned from the box...

I was very creatively critical when I was younger. This is an actual chart I made at Camp Seafarer rating all of the girls in my cabin in the following categories:

1) Weirdness

2) Snobiness

3) Bossiness

4) Awesomeness

While Piper and Hannah scored off the charts in awesomeness, Beth scored a 0-10 in meanness, with a notion that "it depends". With a range that wide I can only hope that she hasn't since developed multiple personalities.

I actually sent this to my parents while I was at camp, just to reassure them that I hadn't become too normal while away.

To Be Young

2012-01-05T09:24:00.004-05:00

...Another thing I learned from my "baby box" that my mom gave me...

One: That while I've apparently always had a double chin...

... I once weighed only 46 lbs! Score for my less than 4 four self!!

January Joiners

2012-01-04T09:24:00.003-05:00

Have you ever heard of the term January Joiners? The definition is here, but it is basically a person that makes a new year's resolution to suddenly hit the gym in January.

I've never really seen it in full force until yesterday. I went to the gym after work, expecting there to be the usual 5-10 cars in the parking lot.

Instead there was what appeared to be a convention nearby, so the lot was almost totally full. I was wondering what the convention was for but didn't stop to look, just went in to the gym.

Oh my cardio. There was nary a machine left to use. January Joiners had taken the place over!

Now I don't want to be the type of person that wishes people to fail, but I sure do hope the gym population goes back down to a maximum of 10. That was my favorite part of this particular gym!

They should do like I did and just not make any resolutions! I am already succeeding with flying colors!

Oooh To Be Young

2012-01-03T12:02:00.009-05:00

Yesterday my mom gave me a box of stuff from way back in the day. Letters from camp, report cards, miscellaneous pictures, etc.

I learned a lot about myself my sifting through them so I thought I'd share in a series of posts called "To Be Young".

The first thing that was really obvious was that I've always had a real knack for accessories.

For instance, behold the following looks:

No outfit is better suited for playing in the mulch than a sparkly, body-consuming leotard and a tiara. My sister in the back thought that tutus looked better around her ankles, but I always knew better. It has to be around your waist to ensure that your arms are always in perfect first position.

That is a miniature hat clip. It looks a lot like a hat that a senior citizen living at retirement community somewhere in Florida might where on his head, only shrunk down to clip size for unknowing little girls.

Hats off to that look!

This was during my Elton John phase in the mid 1980's. It's true what they say, all you need for a good moped ride is a pair of oversized shades, a pearl necklace, and a diaper.

This is what I like to call my "grumpy spunky" look. Yes my hair may indicate that I am going to an epic dance party later, but check out the facial expression. I'ma cut you, bitch.

And this is from when I used to be a valet at a restaurant.

Plaid Vest - CHECK

White Turtleneck - CHECK

Shit-eating Grin - CHECK

Stay tuned for more awesome looks and letters from the 80's and beyond.

Hot Damn!

2012-01-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?!

That's two magnum bottles of Frank's RedHot sauce. Thank you Costco for making a little girl's dream come true.

I'm putting the over/under on my entire consumption of these two bottles by about March.

Another Year

2012-01-02T11:04:00.004-05:00

Happy New Years to All!

This year I have decided, that in order to assure 100% success in my resolutions, I am just going to resolve to keep on eating and drinking. That way I know I will be successful and achieve my goal to nth degree.

Why set yourself up for failure by saying that you're going to lose 10 pounds or quit drinking soft drinks? Just go buy some Coke and a slammin' sammy and be happy to settle.

One new thing is that I am working full-time now so I guess I can aspire to be a powerful business woman. But I have found in the last 6 years that your rise to the top is directly disproportionate to your proximity to the front desk. This make the odds of my corporate takeover less than promising. Only time will tell.

In semi-related news, I think New Years Eve is the single worst holiday of the year. Next year I'm either going balls to the wall and partying my ass off, or putting on my Christmas pajama pants, renting footloose, and eating Chinese food on my couch. I just can't go half-way. It's not in my genes.

What's new for you in 2012? My sister is getting married this year!! And I might get a dog if I can get over my need to wash my hands everytime I pet a K9. There isn't enough lotion in the world to make that many handwashes ok.

Denim Shards

2011-12-28T09:22:00.003-05:00

"Finally! Pajama Jeans for Men!" (Click here)

Finally, indeed! I have been getting so sick of men wearing traditional, adorable, cotton pajama pants around the house or to bed. It's time to liven things up with a splash of acid-washed denim!

Ladies, am I right?!?!

These Pajama Jeans remind me of the good old days, back when I was a preteen shopping at Abercrombie. Remember the torn and shredded jeans that cost twice as much as their in-tact counterparts? What mom doesn't love taking their daughter shopping for ill-kempt pants that totally unnecessarily show the knee thru a webbed shard of denim? Bonus: Abercrombie plays the most migraine-inducing music in all the malls in all the land. Win, Win for a doting mom!

My favorite style of the pajama jeans is obviously the "Knit Jeans Lounge Pants", due to the fact that the "Dark Wash has realistic designs of patches, rips and what looks like your favorite pair of boxers peeking out the top." No, those are not real boxers. And also because "Jeans features designs of rips, tears and a button fly." Yes, yes, and yes! Who doesn't want pre-crappy pants?

The good news is that lounging around the house just got a whole lot trashier. The bad news is that every single style of these denim impostors is Sold Out. For just $12.95 per handsome pair, how am I not surprised?

Mo' Money Mo' Fast Food

2011-12-27T09:43:00.003-05:00

Oh My Food.

What a gluttonous holiday I have had. Many snacks, many drinks, and many, many calories.

What about you? I know I wasn't the only one. For instance, the person who stole my credit card two days before Christmas also had a lot to eat at Church's Chicken, Burger King, and Wendy's, all in one night! Then he/she chased it down with a $344 package from DirecTV.

While I cringe at the possibility of losing my hard earned money to some jerk who couldn't afford his own Whopper, I take a little comfort knowing that whoever stole from me probably had one serious case of diarehha after eating at 3 gross fast food chains in one night.

'Tis the season, to steal from innocent strangers. Ooooh wait, no. STEALING IS NOT NICE!

I am just happy to have some backup Christmas cash and some fruits and veggies back in my life. Yule Tide makes me chubby.

Ice Cream Sundays - Cinnamon Buns

2011-12-25T09:38:00.002-05:00

Color me Weak in the Kneees.

This flavor is amazing! It's like the Strawberry Cheesecake of Winter. Soothing to the soul and pleasing to the pallet. It seriously warmed my heart.

Some would even call it God's gift to lactose. No, just me?

If you like melt in your mouth pieces of cinnamon bun dough (aaah!) and divine chewy bites of cinnamon streusel (yaaay!) than you will love this as much as me. If you don't, then you're probably certifiably insane.

Buy this. It is like the puffy vest of winter - It feels good inside and outside and never makes you feel suffocated or in excess.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 11

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavors - It's a tie! Strawberry Cheesecake and Cinnamon Buns

'Tis the Season to be Crazy

2011-12-22T12:27:00.003-05:00

Oh Mimi you so crazy. Check out this article about how Mariah starts planning her Christmas in June. And people say I plan too far ahead of time!

You really have to respect this woman's passion for Christmas and all things over-the-top. My favorite part of the article is when she is quoted as saying, "I love cooking and I'm a smash-hit wonder in the kitchen."

That is just not something normal people say about themselves. Which is why I 100% believe that Mariah Carey said it.

Finally, can I get a "WHAT WHAT" for that picture above. Mariah Carey, circa the mid-90's, with a reindeer. That is pretty much a trifecta of awesome right there.

Merry Almost Christmas everyone!!

Diveats - Quinoa-Stuffed Peppers with Basil Sauce

2011-12-22T09:25:00.008-05:00

Behold. The stuffed pepper revisited.

This ain't your average Tex-Mex stuffed pepper. This here is fancy, yall!

Quinoa-Stuffed Peppers with Basil Sauce, adapted from this recipe by Giada De Laurentiis.

(By adapted I mean the exact same except that I used Quinoa instead of Couscous and Sundried Tomatoes instead of Currants. Seriously, what is a currant?)

Mix up all the ingredients in a big bowl and stuff the peppers. The ingredients of this recipe were truly meant to be together. They marry perfectly in these peppers.

Blend the sauce. It's so easy and quick. Don't you just love the zing of lemon juice. So refreshing!

Blend the sauce until creamy and delicious! It really is an elegant sauce. I would know. I'm extremely elegant.

This is a pepper after baking at 375 degrees for about an hour. It's a little burnt/crispy on the top but that's OK. Crispy is a good thing! And it will get pretty during the next step.

I cut them in half for ease of serving and eating. And to expose those beautiful colors. Look, it's Christmas on a plate!

And if I'm being honest, it just allows for more surface area for the sauce :)

Spoon some of the creamy sauce on top and you have got yourself one colorful, delicious pepper for dinner!

It's the cure for the common dinner!

I also heart USA...

2011-12-21T09:32:00.000-05:00

But maybe not as much as this guy!

In New York

2011-12-20T11:20:00.009-05:00

More on my trip to the Big Apple...

Well, as many of you know, I've been searching for the perfect wallet for about 3 months now. Remember this awesome exchange with some unexpected jabrones in Shanghai? After 10+ emails in highly broken English with a woman named Cherish, and the loss of a 5% international transaction fee, I was informed that OutletMichaelKors.com no longer had my order in stock. Splendid.

So I did what any low-brow unknowing southerner would do, I went to Bergdorf Goodman thinking I'd find something sensible there! I should have known after seeing the window displays that this was not the place for me.

Pardon the glare on most of these photos, but allow me to describe these confusing displays of fashion.

Below we have a Walrus dressed in a tuxedo, with his friend the Ram, and Lion, on a glacier. It was already about 30 degrees in NYC that day. I find it unlikely that one would be inclined to buy the haute couture on the one human in this display who is sitting on a glacier with well dressed arctic animals...but that's just me.

Next we have 2 albino birds in sparkly silver dresses. Nothing steps up a ball gown like a nice beak accessory. They should probably consider putting on some earrings though. I mean COME ON!

Behold the 3 teeth baring wolves staring at themselves in the mirror, dressed in blazers and fitted slacks. I simply do not remember the fairy tale from my youth that tells of the 3 vain wolves measuring each other's inseams. I must have been sick that day.

I am pretty sure that neon lighting says "Aggressive Night". I'll say! And it is weird that the strangest thing in this display is not the cardinal head? Look at that jacket! You may leave the runway.

Finally! Something traditional! A charcoal suit with a classic diagonal striped tie...on a lion who is bench-pressing in his Sunday best.

Needless to say Bergdorf's was not the home of my future wallet. I just "wasn't in the mood" for Prada or Chanel that day.

Other finds at other stores...

The toeless leather boat. For those chilly winter days when your body wants to be warm, but your heart wants to be a slut a show some unnecessary skin.

This one is hard to make out, but rest assured, the woman in the background was wearing ALL of her hair on one side of her head. And she had a LOT of hair. (The woman in the forefront is my #1 supporter of all things blog related. And my mom.)

Well gosh. I guess that's all! New York City is wonderful but most def not going to be my "forever home". I cherish things like backyards, glasses of wine under $15, and the ability to call a cab 15 minutes in advance, knowing that a toothless or over talkative country boy will pick you up and be your best friend by the time you reach your destination.

Unsuccessfully trying to hail a cab for 20 minutes, and/or running after a stranger I thought was my sister and getting in the wrong cab is just not good for my confidence.

I heart NC!

Spirit in the sky

2011-12-20T10:30:00.004-05:00

AKA, Airborne Ghetto.

If you want to experience a nerve-wracking, unsanitary travel situation, I have a recommendation for you.

Fly Spirit Airlines. But not just out of anywhere. Fly it out of Myrtle Beach, SC.

I flew to NYC this past weekend and it was gross.

My flight was full of nothing but Street Rats and Sort-of-thugs. I knew for sure that if Natural Selection applied to the open skies, that plane was surely going to blow up. And if not that, I thought for sure there would be a riot before takeoff. People were already not happy about something. It was an all around uneasy feeling.

Grant, who usually doesn't mind flying (much unlike me), even commented when we got on the plane, "Oooh great. Someone defacated on the seat next to me." The seats, which were covered in gunk and dirt, were also so small that I thought the large lady next to me might actually be stuck for good.

There were more weaves on that flight than in Wendy William's personal collection. And also there was this:

Do you see those nails?!?! This woman not only had skunk streaks in the front of her hair, and a set of headphones that suggested she thought she was in a Call Center, she also had 4 inch nails. I should have known when I saw her in the waiting area that she would be sitting right across from me.

It was equal parts disgusting and bizarre. The underside of those nails looked like crusty charcoal and will haunt me for ages. So really it was 90% disgusting and 10% bizarre.

Extreme Closeup!

She started off by pounding a Double-Vodka Cranberry on our return flight at 11:30am on a Sunday. Then she ate a Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croissant from Dunkin Donuts. To which she added 7 packs of salt. (Not exaggerating).

Then when she got snackish a little later, she ate what appeared to be a cheese flatbread. To which she added 2 packs of mayonnaise. And then, (commence dry heaving), when a little mayo squeezed out the sides because there was soooo much mayo, she would use her gross long nails as a shovel to scrape up the excess mayo and place it on another spot, lest she waste a mere ounce of lard. VOM!

I do, however, feel like I should commend her on the dexterity of her knuckles. But that's about all she could use.

Next time I'm going to pony up the extra hundy and fly a non-budget airline out of a non-trashy city. Flying is already a nightmare. I don't see the point in adding insult to injury.

Sleepy Wine

2011-12-19T12:34:00.004-05:00

I have a theory that I am currently pursuing. It is this: "Red wine makes my husband snore".

Among his many, many amazing qualities, he was blessed with the gift of not snoring. This is ideal for me because I cannot even sleep with the sound of my own thoughts running through my head. Let alone the nasal congestion of another lying next to me.

Come to think of it, I don't even know if I originally cared about his personality. Once I realized he didn't snore I knew he had to be mine. That' always been a top priority for my Mr. Right...I kid.

Now there's a new dynamic to this dream quality. Apparently the kryptonite of not snoring is red wine. One glass is all it takes to make my silent life partner a veritable back-of-throat machine gun. Luckily this doesn't happen often, because he probably drinks about one week night a month (oh the horror!), but when it does happen it highly amuses me...and then makes me one cranky beotch from lack of sleep.

As long as he keeps to a bi-monthly maximum it will make me curiously giggle. And it means more wine for me!

Ice Cream Sundays - Pistachio Pistachio

2011-12-18T10:12:00.001-05:00

This flavor is extremely interesting! The main reason being that it is not even that sweet. Who would have thought that quality could exist in an ice cream?!

It's not very sweet, but it is very good. I might even use this as a pallet cleanser sometime...if I ever had a party fancy enough for such a thing. Which I never will.

But it's good just as a cool refreshing, semi-savory treat bite. It has delicious pieces of roasted pistachios mixed throughout and the ice cream itself is just tasty and simple. I recommend it to try at least. It might not be your favorite, but it will be the most perplexing ice cream you've tried this year!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 10

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Can you guess?? Still Strawberry Cheesecake!

Parme$an

2011-12-16T09:15:00.001-05:00

Hold the phone.

Is anyone else out there aware of the Parmesan cheese racket going on in grocery stores these days?

Last night I decided to top some asparagus with a little freshly grated Parmesan and some lemon juice. Sounds simple, right?

Well I'll be damned if I didn't go into the Harris Teeter, scour the randomly placed fancy cheese cart, and find only 2 brand options of Parmesan Reggiano, the cheapest and smallest of which was $9.45.

Umm, what? Have I never used Parmesan Reggiano before? How did I not know how unbelievably expensive this shit is?

Now I'm in a really though situation. After watching hundreds of episodes of Giada At Home, I am now convinced I need to put freshly grated Parmesan Reggiano on everything. And after seeing how much it cost, I am now convinced I can't afford to put it on anything.

I ended up getting the Harris Teeter "Fancy Shredded Parmesan Cheese", which isn't fancy at all. It kinda doesn't even look like cheese. Nonetheless, it still tasted great when roasted over asparagus.

And, the best part, you don't even have to pronounce it like a fake Italian. Score one for the po' folk.

Give me awkward

2011-12-15T11:29:00.003-05:00

I'm still refraining from any work related post at this time to be a good girl.

But I have one story I have to tell. And it's only vaguely related to work so what the hay.

Words I never thought I'd say: I just got my head shots taken.

It was in a warehouse building with one lone man with a mustache. Not only did he equate Photoshopping my pictures to slipping me a Roofie (not what you want to hear when you are alone with a strange man in a random building), he also made me watch him while he photoshopped my picture. I can't think of a more uncomfortable situation for a person who already hates having her picture taken. This just in, apparently my lips are crooked and I have broad shoulders.

Oh and Carole King just came out with a new Christmas album. He made me listen to it with him while he virtually removed my zits and whitened my teeth. Boy do I feel beautiful!

And now, naturally, I'm perspiring and shaking off lots of lingering awkwardness.

In other semi-work related news, tonight is our Christmas party. This is my favorite time of year no matter where I work because I love the first foray into the personal lives of the people you spend every working day with. You get to see if they drink, how much, what their spouses look like, and, my personal favorite, what kind of jeans they wear!

All of my current coworkers are actually really attractive and normal so I'm not expecting any unexpected mom jeans or drastic mismatches in terms of couples. But who's to say about the drinking aspect!? There could be a token drunken slut episode!! Fingers crossed!

Amazingly Stupid Lyrics to Songs I love

2011-12-14T10:04:00.005-05:00

This song, which is surprisingly played an awful lot on XM radio considering that it came out in 2001, never ceases to amaze me.

Just for little lyrics like these, found here:

- Baby I would climb the Andes solely
To count the freckles on your body

Thoughts - That doesn't even rhyme. And what the hell kind of freckled beast are you dating that you could still see their freckles from atop a mountain chain?? MISMATCH!

- Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse them with mountains

Thoughts - Oh, honey, no. Since we are still on the mountain theme, you are clearly still referring to that freckly ginger from earlier. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but in addition to being at a high risk for skin cancer, he's clearly also a virgin. Breasts, no matter the size, are not typically mistaken for mountains.

Clearly English is your third language. After Spanish and shaking the ever-loving shit out of your hips.

Great tune though!

Indian Feast Made Fast and Easy...and Cheap!!

2011-12-13T14:19:00.005-05:00

Do you ever crave an Indian feast but not want to spend restaurant spices to get your fill?? Well I have got just the thing for you. Simmer Sauces! I am sure there are several out there, but these are the two brands I've tried from the International Aisle at Harris Teeter. They are near the Soy Sauce.

It is SOO easy to make a luscious Indian meal. Just grab these few ingredients below:

1) Simmer Sauce

2) Jasmine Rice (how is this rice so good??)

3) Your meat of choice! I went crazy last night and did a combo of chicken and shrimp.

Saute meat, add simmer sauce, and simmer until meat is done and rice is cooked! It's so easy and the finished product is a warm bowl of Indian delight.

Of course the above picture looks more like dog food than an Indian feast, but that's just because I'm too lazy to use my real camera and instead continue to take sub par quality pictures with my phone. That's why this sauce is so good for a lazy girl like me!

Make this tonight! You can make the whole jar, meat, and rice for about $10 and that makes 3 servings. Booya!

Holiday Mixing

2011-12-13T10:59:00.004-05:00

Last weekend I did something I've been waiting over a year to do. I christened my Kitchen Aid Mixer that I got as a wedding gift.

...Queue the sound of Angels rejoicing!!!

In case you don't know, or are a straight man, Kitchen Aid Mixers are pretty much a must-have in any fabulous kitchen. It is a right of passage for snobby non-professional chefs like myself.

I used it to make this:

That's made from scratch egg nog and it is delicious! I used this recipe from last year and it was even better than I remembered. I'm sure that had a lot to do with my new fabulous mixer :)

Go drink some egg nog if you haven't already this holiday season. It warms the heart and the esophagus and brings a smile to one's belly.

Ice Cream Sundays - Boston Cream Pie

2011-12-11T09:39:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately, this flavor looks and sounds a lot better than it tastes. It wasn't bad, per say. But look at that pint container! I was expecting creamy chocolaty softness. Instead it was just kind of a blah nondescript ice cream with a few goodies here and there.

I will say, however, that one of those goodies rocked my socks off. It has actual pieces of cake in it! If only everything in the world had actual pieces of cake in it. The world would be a much happier place!

This flavor had a quality reminiscent of the Red Velvet Cake Flavor, which if you recall from this post, I found to have a bit of an artificial sugar flavoring. And again, I don't know how that's possible since it is made with real sugar, but it wasn't my jam.

Overall, this flavor was pretty forgettable to me.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 9

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Strawberry Cheesecake

Service with a bitter smile

2011-12-09T10:36:00.001-05:00

Do you know what is not awesome?

Customer Service phone operators who give you the runaround. As in, "Let me talk to you for 20 minutes, listen to your problem that you've already told 5 other buffoons, act like I can help, and then ultimately tell you that the solution to your problem isn't in my department."

I recently synced my iPad to my computer for the first time in a while. It asked me if I wanted to join the Cloud. Naturally I said yes, because who doesn't want to live on a cloud?

Big mistake. That simple click of YES immediately deleted my Apple ID and all ability to work with the 300+ songs I've purchased from iTunes.

Commence Freak Out.

After calling LITERALLY 5 people, who told me that they "Have limited capabilities over the phone" (why the HELL is their a phone line for this sort of thing in the first place then???) I finally got word that my ID had spontaneously been changed to my email address.

Whatever. Problem solved.

The point is that it is damn hard to stay nice when you feel lost in a sea of telephone operators. I am a pretty nice person. And I was very nice to the first 2 people I talked to. But after explaining my issue for the umpteenth time to Customer Service Representatives 3-6, my voice got hoarse and my personality got a little "ragey".

If I am a paying customer who did nothing but get duped because I signed up for something that YOU offered me, don't screw with me. And DON'T mess with my musical collection of Mariah Carey and what is essentially "Now That's What I Call Music" volumes 1-37.

There are some things I can live without. But an mp3 of "Everybody Dance Now" by CC Music Factory is not one of them.

Au Natural

2011-12-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

I have really big feet. A size 9.5-10 to be exact.

I was recently shoe shopping with my mother-in-law and we got to talking about my big ol' ski feet. (It's not as bad as it sounds). Then we started talking about how kids these days are just overall bigger in size, stature, feet, etc.

Personally I think it's because our food has lots of hormones in it. Mind you, I write this as I am eating canned tuna for lunch. I don't do anything to counter it, it just scares the shit out of me.

I seriously think in 1-3 generations our children will be borderline wildebeests. I for one am a very big person. I have the aforementioned gigantic feet, a big head, big bones, and calves that are scientifically proven to be larger than the thighs of my best friend. Talk about a confidence booster!

I like to blame this on the fact that my mom fed me Bologna sandwiches for lunch when I wasn't easting personal gallons of Coffee Ice Cream, but I also know that said best friend lived on a steady diet of turkey dogs and fat free cheese quesadillas when we were in high school. Hardly proof that fake foods make you fat (she's way little).

Nonetheless, I'm convinced that our food is filled with garbage that will eventually ruin us all. I want so badly to be able to afford to eat strictly organically, but I just can't! It is too damn expensive! Seriously, organic chicken is literally 3x the price of non-organic chicken. And by non-organic I'm sure that means filled with hormones and fed with poop.

If I ever get pregnant, however, I am going to eat only organically. I'd like my baby to have control over his or her own destiny. If he or she wants to eat Doritos until fingers turn orange and chow down on hormone-treated meat until he or she might as well be taking HGH, then so be it. But I will not be the one to give my child body issues or artificial fat cells.

Sure, with my genes they are already screwed. But at least I will give them the best organic tofurkey and baby Cornish game hens until they can afford to buy their own damn food. The future is a scary place when the entire human race is collectively killing themselves with cheeseburgers. I'ma try to fight that one offspring at a time.

P.S. There is a Whole Foods going up in Wilmington that I pass every day on the way to work, so that is why I suddenly have an opinion and passion about this organic foods and my gigantic feet.

Will Dance for Tacos

2011-12-07T09:12:00.003-05:00

Well that was quick. I think my Zumba career is over after just 4 classes.

I decided this in last night's class when not even the most enthusiastic of fellow dancers was making me giggle and I couldn't get one mother freaking dance move right.

It comes down to the simple fact that sucking this bad at something is just not good for my self confidence.

Oh, and the fact that all of the Latin music they play just makes me want tacos soooo bad everytime I take a class. Last night I had to mentally manipulate myself into not hightailing it to the nearest Mexican restaurant after class.

Exercise + Tacos = Contradiction much?

The vicious cycle of food and exercise continues to confound and enrage me. I just need to move to one of those villages in Africa where they praise large women and even have fattening huts to keep them large and in charge.

Stop Drinking

2011-12-06T11:23:00.002-05:00

Every now and then I am driving in my car and I hear a song so God awful that it makes me want to run into a telephone pole.

This week it was "Hangover" by Taio Cruz.

For realz, check out these lyrics: http://monsterlyrics.blogspot.com/2011/07/taio-cruz-ft-flo-rida-hangover-lyrics.html

To know that this song, which I heard on XM Top 20, is what today's youth will be bopping their heads to, makes me sad to the core.

Mostly because of lyrics like this:

- so i can go until i blow up, eh
and i can drink until i throw up, eh
and i don’t ever ever want to grow up

Excellent...Binge drinking until you're sick and never becoming responsible. Great goals. I bet you used your dad's credit card for those drinks.

- drink up! cause a body in a body ….
end up on the floor, …. you clueless
…. what the hell you’re doing
…. you know what? come again
give me henny, give me …, give me liquor, give me champagne

Now this doesn't even make sense, but it sure does remind me of something that happened at my own wedding. One guy got so drunk that took off all of his clothes, went up to the bar, and ordered a cup of "drunk".

Thanks for the inspiration Taio. Here's hoping Santa brings you a bottle of Excedrin and a gift card good for one trip to Rehab.

Ice Cream Sundays - Americone

2011-12-04T10:36:00.001-05:00

Who doesn't love Stephen Colbert? And, more importantly, who doesn't love Fudge Covered Waffle Cone Pieces.

Wait, don't answer that. The answer is No One!

This ice cream is simple perfection. I loved the mellow flavors of the vanilla ice cream, the decadent hints of caramel swirls, and the triumphant pieces of fudge covered waffle cones found throughout. It all just goes together. It's like white wine and ice. Or politics and boredom. It just makes sense together!

I was also very grateful to find this flavor in a small serving, because let's be honest - An ice cream experiment during the holidays is just damn dangerous to one's ass.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 8

Pounds Gained - Shut up it's the holidays

Favorite Flavor So far - Strawberry Cheesecake

Gimme Gimme

2011-12-02T10:24:00.003-05:00

Something bad is happening.

Ever since I bought a house, I feel the need to keep with the Jonses. And by the Jonses I mean my insane spiralling selfish wants!

I have this sudden urgent need to make everything in my life more luscious so that it all fits together and unless I win the lottery I need to CTFO (Chill the F Out).

By everything I don't just mean my house. Yes I want to recover my Barbie pink couches and have bedspreads that fit the beds, but who doesn't?

What I'm talking about is residual lusciousness needs. Now I'm suddenly feeling like I need to smell better, so I need new perfume! I want to celebrate Christmas right, so I need a pretty wreath! I want to not have a $15 pink plastic summer wallet from Target anymore, so I need a new wallet!

What is happening to me?? Last year at this time I was using a hand-me-down fake Christmas tree, regifting the shiz out of old presents, and making "holiday" rice and beans for dinners just to stretch a dollar. I am historically not a big spender. I guess I have caught a case of ~~Bieber Fever~~ Greedy Brat Syndrome.

Does anyone out there have any cure? Or any money they want to give me to get all this crap I ~~need~~ want?? I haven't actually bought any of this stuff yet, and I probably won't because I ain't got the funds, but I want to make the feeling go away cuz I feel like a crazy, selfish beotch and I miss my prudent rational self.

I guess it's true what they say, "Money is all that matters". Can't you just feel that holiday spirit of giving!?

Schweaty Pits

2011-12-01T11:27:00.003-05:00

source

This is just good stuff: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2068497/Tom-Cruise-looks-little-unsure-reveals-wet-look-Mission-Impossible-Ghost-Protocol-fan-screening.html

Oh Tommy C. This is what you get for dressing like Dexter on a kill mission, during a press conference for your movie.

I can surely sympathize with an excessive sweater, but know how to dress to hide your flaws.

Surely with all of that Mission Impossible money you could afford some more breathable shirts?

Meow

2011-12-01T10:17:00.004-05:00

This was sent to me by a friend yesterday who accurately said, "There's a lot going on here." (And who you can kind of make out taking the picture!)

Broadcasting that you are both a Yankee and a football fan is like having a "26.2" and a "13.1" sticker on the back of your car. I can tell immediately that I do not want to be your friend.

Oh you run half and full marathons? Well I'm driving to Chik Fil-A just to get lemonade, but they don't make a sticker for that. Too bad you will have to go this whole leg of Market Street behind me without knowing more about my personal life.

Oh, and the 4 cats? Why would anyone flash this around on their car? Don't they know that it is not socially acceptable to be a "cat person"? I would rather have a sticker on the back of my car that says "I'm a functioning alcoholic" or "I just don't have that many friends". I would be more comfortable with people knowing that.

Keep it in your pants Giants fan. No one needs to know about your kitties!

Dash Baby #2

2011-11-30T12:24:00.000-05:00

In ~~rip my hair out~~ Kardashian news - Kourtney is pregnant with her second child.

First of all, if I was Bruce Jenner I would kidnap my 2 biological daughters and move to Switzerland to save them from the fate of the Kardashian _____? Empire? I feel like that gives them too much credit...but nonetheless an empire it has become.

How does one keep up with the non-normal news of sooo many children.

Rob on Dancing With the Stars. Khloe pimping her unisex fragrance (really...unisex fragrance...really??) Kim being married for so little time I want to slap her for sullying the good name of marriage. And Kourtney getting oil enemas up her butt and procreating yet again with her gel-haired boyfriend who she seemingly hates??

It makes the small things in my family's "big news" seem like child's play compared to these dark-haired fame whores.

Obviously it's not my business and I shouldn't care because, as I keep needing to remind myself, I don't even know these people. But it makes me angry that Kim would flaunt her million dollar marriage in everyone's face and then call it off 72 days later. Some girls never find that certain special someone to trick into marrying them. And then Kourtney goes on her own show to demonstrate to the world that she loathes her baby daddy, then announces to the press a week later that they are expecting another child. This when some people who actually love their husbands can't get knocked up at all.

My point: If you are going to shamelessly flaunt your successes to the entire world on national TV, at least pretend to be happy about it.

Quit being so hypocritical ya spoiled brats!

Hot to Trot

2011-11-30T09:09:00.004-05:00

This is hella random, but I feel like this is something I need to share to the world...and my 60 readers.

Hardee's is amazing.

I went to a Hardee's for the first time this past Sunday. You know, just to give one last kick in the pants to my jeans button after copious Thanksgiving feasting. I left feeling utterly satisfied with service and quality. And just a little bit fatter than before.

First of all, our food took about ten minutes to be delivered to our table. A 10 minute wait might not be what you want when you are choosing fast food, but I personally take great comfort in knowing that my food is being prepared fresh and not just dumped in a fry basket.

Second of all, they had this on the menu: http://www.hardees.com/menu/chicken-other/hand-breaded-buffalo-chicken-sandwich

Oh my stars. This was just what I wanted. Rarely do I find a buffalo chicken sandwich in which I have to make zero alterations. Usually I have to at least sub blue cheese for ranch and add onions.

Not so with this guy. This sandwich automatically came with everything my heart desired. T'was glorious.

I have to admit I've had a few buffalo chicken sandwiches that are better than this, but not many. And I can assure you that says a lot because I rarely see a buffalo chicken sandwich on a menu without ordering it sans hesitation...which could explain a lot about my thighs.

I definitely don't want to make a habit out of this fast food delight, but if you're in a pickle/hungover and you need something covered in buffalo sauce and made with a great attitude, look no further.

Now excuse me while I clean up my drool off of my keyboard and go buy stock in Frank's Red Hot Sauce. I don't know who Frank is personally, but he has made my life infinitely better with his peppery sauce. I <3 you Frank!

Merry Merry Very Fat

2011-11-29T09:11:00.005-05:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year!! Oooh how I love the holidays!

It's a little strange this year, what with it being 75 degrees yesterday and all. But that didn't stop me from buying my first ever REAL Christmas tree in my first ever home. There she is pictured above. Ain't she a beaut?! Obviously I'm in need of a better tree topper, so if you want to buy me an Angel or a beautiful Star I'm currently accepted such things. Santa's hat kind of looks like a limp bizkit as a tree topper.

How was everyone's Thanksgiving? I ate way too much, as usual, and felt like a fat bag of poo when I got home Sunday. My mother in law is a great cook and she always makes so much food. Think Paula Dean who somehow has the will power to not eat her own creations and never gains weight. Her 4 boys, being the non-food-hysterical women that they are, can overlook the cookies in the jar and the leftover stuffing in the fridge, because they are just used to it. I, on the other hand, spent the 3 days I was at their house sneaking Hamburger Sliders as snacks (!!!!!!) and asked about the leftover mashed potatoes so many times that I had to be asked to stop talking.

It didn't help that, as I alluded to in my last post, I wrongly thought I had lost weight recently. It turned out the my scale wasn't zeroed and I'd actually gained a few pounds. Perhaps my floor is just sinking from the Birthday poo explosion?

It's funny how the way one feels about him/herself is so psychological. I was walking around the last few weeks like I was some hot piece of ass, all confident and slim and whatnot. Then, just by realizing I was a few pounds heavier than I thought, with no other factors changing, I immediately start schlepping around like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, feeling all fat and stumpy.

Oh well, time to start fresh this week! In preparation for a full month of feasting in December. DAMMIT! Oh wait...I love the holidays, I forgot...Such an emotional time for crazy people.

Ice Cream Sundays - Cheesecake Brownie

2011-11-27T17:01:00.002-05:00

How do they do it?!?!

This luscious, luscious flavor of ice cream tastes JUSt like Cheesecake and Brownie mixed together.

Hats off, Ben and Jerry. You really know how to peg down a flavor. And not only did this taste authentic, it tasted like AMAZING!

I had this plain. It was incredible. I had it with a piece of warm Chocolate Chestnut Pie. It was OUT OF THIS WORLD.

If I still wasn't so madly in love with the Strawberry Cheesecake flavor, this one would be my #1 choice. But Strawberry Cheese gave me that hug, and that's kind of hard to top.

Somehow this flavor was even romantic...if that's possible!?? I don't know. Just try it!

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 7

Pounds Gained - This is really sad...I thought I had actually lost about 2 lbs over the last months, but then I realized that my scale just wasn't zeroed and I've actually gained 4 lbs. I l'trally almost cried. And then I realized that's so pathetically hilarious that I craughed (simultaneous laughing and crying). Oh well, only 40 more flavors to try then I'll start that diet ;)

Favorite Flavor: Still Strawberry Cheesecake!

Run the World (and the afterlife)

2011-11-22T16:25:00.005-05:00

I've wondered my whole life why seemingly unusual situations always happen in my presence. At first I thought I was just exaggerating to myself. But, no, weird, amazing things continued to happen to me. My sister has called me a "chosen person", which I kinda loved. But that still just wasn't explanation enough.

After taking my second Zumba class last week, in which the gay attendees were basically just multiplying at the door before the class started, it finally dawned on me. These aren't just weird incidences that happen in my life. I am in my version of heaven!

This is my afterlife...And I must have been super awesome in my past life to deserve this. Because there is just no way my life can be this random.

This notion was proved throughout the next hour when one of the gays Zumba-ed so hard that I felt the ground shake beneath him. And when someone requested "Run the World (Girls)" by Beyonce and I got to do the actual choreography from her music video with the 0% coordination that I was blessed with. If that isn't heaven on Earth I don't know what is.

And just try to dance or sing to that song and not feel like the most powerful woman on Earth. Listen to it here. I dare you.

Next time I end up with a coworker who brags about his Japanese bathtub, a random encounter with a stranger that is just NOT normal, or accidentally wear shoes without knowing that they actually look like jazz boots, I don't have to wonder anymore! Life isn't weird. It's the afterlife that's really crazy!

Crazy awesome.

Ice Cream Sundays - Bonnaroo Buzz

2011-11-20T10:01:00.001-05:00

This flavor was surprising. Not just because it was so rich. Mainly because I thought it said Bananaroo at first glance and I was expecting a light banana flavor.

Not so. This flavor is rich with the flavors of Coffee and Malt Ice Cream, as well as Whiskey swirls. I am a huge Coffee Ice Cream lover, so to say this was a little strong for me says a lot. I enjoyed it, but wouldn't buy it again.

Next time I want bananas in my bananaroo ice cream! :) Jk, I'm just stupid for thinking that. But it's like packing for the beach and going to the Arctic, it's unexpected and unpleasant.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 6

Pounds Gained - 0

Favorite Flavor - Strawberry Cheesecake

Cleaning wonder

2011-11-18T09:52:00.004-05:00

If you ever clean - by choice or by profession...or because you only work 3 days a week and have no excuse not to :( - get this: Electrolux Ergorapido

This little bagless, cordless wonder is like sex on a stick.

It pivots like a dream and makes those "hard to reach" spots a total non-issue.

And the best part?! You just have to make sure it's charged up before you use it and then you have no pesky cords to mess up your vacuuming rhythm. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

If you are a mom or a friend of a new homeowner or renter, this would be a great Christmas present. Just do not, I repeat DO NOT, give this to your wife or girlfriend as a present. As a recent recipient of a baking sheet gift, I know the ill feeling you get when someone gives you a gift that screams, "Merry Christmas...Now cook me something."

My mom gave me this one and I love it. Just a little tip from my dirty floors to yours!

Cherish

2011-11-17T09:21:00.003-05:00

I ordered something online yesterday and received the following email last night (I've highlighted the really terrifying parts in red for easy reading):

Michael Kors Outlet
------------------------------------------------------
Order Number: 19825
Detailed Invoice:
http://www.outletmichaelkors.com/index.php?main_page=account_history_info&order_id=19825
Date Ordered: Wednesday 16 November, 2011

The comments for your order are

Dear Customer,
Thank you ordering from our store,your order is success,You have consumed
XX.00 USD on http://www.outletmichaelkors.com/.
Order details:
Merchant Order No. :111711
Order No. : 19825
Payment Date&Time : 11/17/2011 01:51
Amount : XX.00 USD

We will arrangements for delivery it as soon as possible.
Yours Sincerely
cherish

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will continue to be terrified that my identity is stolen until I receive said package in the mail. Oh Cherish...Why you gotta scare the shit out of me like that?

In more awesome news, I finished most of my Christmas shopping last night and I got it all for $40!!!

Sweet Treats

2011-11-16T09:23:00.005-05:00

Grant signed up for a Bake Sale this week. And some how I ended up thinking of the recipe, buying the ingredients, and making the treats...How did that happen??

But that's ok, because I thought of a cute, easy idea!

All you need is these 4 ingredients.

1. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough (premade)

2. Sugar Cookie Dough (premade)

3. Rainbow Chip Icing

4. Cream Cheese Icing

The rest is pretty self explanatory.

Bake the cookies.

Make the cookies into little sandwiches with icing in between. I put the Rainbow Chip in between the sugar cookies.

And the Cream Cheese Icing between the chocolate chip cookies.

Somehow the cookies really deflated in the cooking process, which made my cookie sandwiches look a little lackluster. But they were still delicious. I would know because I ate one and then subsequently wanted to vom. I do not handle sweets well. Mexican Chicken Casserole on the other hand, I can take down!

I bagged each sandwich individually with Saran Wrap and a little ribbon.

Easy, peasy, cheapy! I hope it makes some good money for that good cause that my husband couldn't remember the name of!

Good people claiming bad things

2011-11-15T12:50:00.004-05:00

A nun is suing Disney claiming that Sister Act was really her idea. Article here.

You read that right. A nun. Suing Disney. Over the greatest mover ever made. That's basically the same as Jesus suing the North Pole claiming that he invented Santa Claus. Or some such nonsense.

This nun's claim makes me mad because A) This nun is about 19 years too late to make a good point and B) If this movie was never made, we'd never have this moment: http://www.divasayswhat.com/2009/11/favorite-movie-moment.html

That would have been a travesty. And the world would have been a lesser place.

ALMA....CHECK YA BATTERY!

Smokey Hair Everywhere

2011-11-15T09:48:00.005-05:00

Last night my husband and I put on our ~~Sunday best~~ least disgusting jeans and went on over to Great Clips to get tandem hairdids and cash in a coupon...$7.99 just can't be beat.

Luckily the hair cut was unremarkable, unlike the Peter Pan haircut of early 2011, the non-hair cut of the 2010, the bleeding eyebrow incident of this summer, and/or the "Hello, my name is Angel. How may I service you" solicitation of 2006. One thing that was not unremarkable, however, was the pungent smell of cigarette smoke on Ebony's hands.

There is really nothing like getting a haircut from a smoker. Every time that stranger's hand caresses your face, you smell like a cigarette is up your nose. And in this case, that cigarette smell was attached to 2 inch long fake nails. So there was even more capacity for stank storage on each digit.

She was nice though so it wasn't that big of a deal. Just kind of gross. Oh and it cost $8 to get my haircut...so there's that.

Last thought: Does anyone else think the name Ebony is borderline hilarious. It's like if I was named Ivory, just because I'm white. Or me naming my child "Genetically prone to sarcasm." Isn't that a little too obvious?

Ice Cream Sundays - Red Velvet Cake

2011-11-13T13:47:00.000-05:00

Red Velvet Cake ice cream tastes, to me, exactly like Red Velvet Fro Yo, which is pretty much just like the cake. And while I give major props to B&J for nailing down the flavor, I just don’t really like Red Velvet Cake. For two reasons. 1) It is just regular chocolate cake with red die, no?? 2) It tastes too sugary/too artificially sugared. I know it’s not, because Ben and Jerry’s uses real sugar, but it is a taste I cannot get down with.

Which is a good thing, because I had one bite one night, went back to get busy on it on a hungover Sunday, and discovered that the cookie mustard (aka Grant) ate the whole thing! )But he also agreed to be the hand model for the above photo shoot for free, so I forgave him.)

I guess I should be happy he saved me from myself. But on the major list of things that you do not want to get between, food and me is in the top 5. Right behind Kim Kardashian and her eyeliner. And Kris Kardashian and her 10% management fee. Oh and my mom and dogs. Ever. She will pour beer on your head.

So basically I thought this was a very well executed ice cream. I just only liked it a little because of personal preferences.

Summary:

Flavors Tried - 5

Pounds Gained - 0, but really 3 that I eventually returned at the Customer Service desk of WHY DO WOMEN GAIN WAIT SO EASILY? Cute store...check it out.

Favorite Flavor - Still Strawberry Cheesecake

Honkeytonk Ridonkadonk

2011-11-10T09:41:00.004-05:00

Did you catch the CMA’s last night? If you know anything about me, you know I love a good awards show. And this year’s Country Music Awards didn’t disappoint…but most because it did disappoint and it was so entertainingly awkward that I loved it.

I was Blackberry Messaging my ass off with my sister during the whole things and these are just a few of our observations:

- Brad and Carrie: Overscripted, overacted, but totally expected. And I would kill for her legs.

- Taylor Swift – Thanks for making me feel not so average by wearing a totally unremarkable merino crew neck sweater from J.Crew. Or Gap. Or any store where most girls shop. Maybe you were trying to keep it real, but how am I supposed to know which celebrities to covet if I don’t know that your outfit cost more than my annual salary. Also, that song was terrible. And your set looked identical to my studio apartment in DC. That is not an impressive thing.

- Rascal Flatts and Natasha Beddingfield. I love that song. But I do not love middle aged white men in sparkly graphic t’s. And Natasha, good try on the dramatic performance, but this was the CMAs. Not the mother freakin Tonys bitch. Oh and you’re skirt made you look like Ursula from the Little Mermaid. But instead of Flotsom and Jetsom as your kickass sidekicks, you just had some nasally jabrone with frosted tips singing in an octave that no man should ever attempt.

- Luke Bryan, I have no idea who you are. But it's quite clear that in a production of West Side Story, you would undoubtedly be a Jet.

- Now to the good stuff – Hootie and ~~the Blowfish~~ Lionel Richie. Although Lionel Richie makes about as much sense on the CMAs as Miss Piggy…oh wait, she was there too…his voice is golden and that’s all I care about. And Hootie/Darius Rucker – It’s true what they say. BLACK DON’T CRACK. That cowboy hat-wearin brotha doesn’t look a day older than he did when he first started singing to let dem bitches CRYYYYY, let the tears fall down her face.

- But seriously, was Lionel headlining this thing? He was in way more performances than any of the actual country singers. This is strange, no?

I really liked how they closed the show by putting Carrie Underwood in a hideous green curtain from the 70s, and Reba McIntyre wearing the green felt from the bottom of a Christmas tree.

Way to keep me on the edge of my seat until next year.

I Heart Award Shows!

Wake Me Up, Before I Gay Gay

2011-11-09T14:52:00.000-05:00

Well if this isn't just the feel-good story of the year I don't know what is!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2058921/Chris-Birch-stroke-Rugby-player-wakes-gay-freak-gym-accident.html

Rugby player has a stroke then wakes up gay and becomes a hairdresser.

Hahaha! This is even better than the recent OR woman who had dental surgery and woke up with a British accent.

I wonder if these things are premeditated or if people just see a good opportunity for some attention when they come-to. Because surely this can't be real.

Happy Poop Day to You!

2011-11-09T11:19:00.002-05:00

Do you know what does not go well after fine dining and German Chocolate Cake for your husband's 29th Birthday celebration?

The answer is - A GIANT POOP/TOILET EXPLOSION!

There had been some grumbling from a toilet/bathtub situation in one room. I had a plumber coming on Friday and thought if we just didn't use that bathroom until then it'd be fine.

I thought wrong. Sooooo painfully, grossly, fecally wrong.

I came home, walked in our bathroom and screamed. It was truly an explosion of epic proportions. And not the good kind like when you win American Idol.

And to be perfectly honest, German Chocolate Cake is almost 99% less appealing when you've just spent the last hour cleaning up OPP (other people's poop...like I said, we hadn't been using the bathroom...and this house was built in the 40s...so that was probably some vintage dookie we were looking at).

The funniest part of the night, besides Grant telling me that he wants me to clean up a pile of shit for his Birthday present, was the fact that we got to sleep on the Plaza because of it's non-proximity to the explosion.

The Plaza is only the world's most famous mattress. After sleeping on an air mattress for 3 years in DC, Grant finally decided to buy a mattress. But not just any mattress. He got the heaviest mattress known to man. It took 4 of us carry out of the store. And 4 to get in our house.

It also has a huge crevasse in the middle that I fell in many, many times last night.

This morning he said, "I love the Plaza. But it's definitely not as fun to sleep in if you're not wasted after a night out partying on 18th Street in Adam's Morgan." Very specific. And very true. But at least it wasn't near the poo!

Family Decals - Stop Doing Things

2011-11-09T09:17:00.003-05:00

This family is not just too big. They are waaaay too damn active.

I think I see an ATV, a surf board, a guitar, and chain saw?? I can't make them all out but that's got to be one expensive set of tykes!

I'm going to let my kids make their own fun out of twigs and leaves and a strict $5/month allowance.

Como Es Posible?

2011-11-08T13:26:00.002-05:00

How did this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWaWKQqoyu4

Become this: http://fitperez.com/2011-11-08-jonathan-lipnicki-shows-off-his-new-body/?from=PH

????